Trying to figure out how she sees me.


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LKJ is offline LKJ Post #1  October 10,2009, 10:11pm
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There's a girl I've been into since I met her about a month and a half ago. We see each other frequently, as we go to grad school together.

I feel like I've made it really obvious that I'm interested, although I haven't told her yet. I've still been feeling her out for signals; basically, her behavior portrays interest but her body language doesn't, it feels like there's zero invitation to make a move. We've been hanging out more and more, have shifted from just seeing each other at group functions to seeing each other one-on-one, but I'm in an utter state of confusion to how she sees me. She's an insanely hard worker and hardly gets her nose out of the books it seems, and when she does it seems like she spends as much or more time with me than she does with anyone.

Two basic questions...
1. If a girl realizes you're interested in being more than friends, and she doesn't return that interest, will she usually distance herself a bit? Or do most girls who care about the guy as a friend not really care to distance themselves regardless of what they think the guy is after?

2. My go-to female friend informs me that she has found it creepy when guys she views as friends have told her that they see her as more (she was referring to her single days, she's married now). As such, she has cautioned me against just coming out and telling this girl what I think of her. Is this a majority opinion among girls? "Creepy" sure seems like a harsh way to describe a guy being straightforward and honest; I understand that it could be creepy for a guy they see as a friend to make a move physically, but just saying what they feel? I'd be interested in more opinions on this.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  October 11,2009, 10:57am

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That's really unimportant, It's how you see yourself that's important!
A positive self image shines through as does an insecure or negative image.

Harvey7.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  October 11,2009, 11:45am
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Could you say more about how you've made it obvious you're interested in her? Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. What do you mean by you've been seeing her one-on-one? Do you mean hanging out at lunch together or did you ask her out on a date? I just wonder whether you really have made yourself clear to her?

As for your question: Just saying what you feel is not creepy.
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #4  October 11,2009, 12:57pm
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Well if she is a very confident person then a direct approach would be good...in a nonchalant way you can bring up the subject and if she doesn't feel the same you both can just continue with your friendship.

However if she is putting her nose to the books to cover up social awkwardness a more indirect approach would be best...as she would be the type to be totally creeped out and avoid you like the plague. You might put out questions that are feelers...like..Hey I notice you are really focused on your studies, we've been hanging for a while and you never mentioned a boyfriend etc..Depending what she answers will determine your follow up to that. Perhaps follow up with..so if the right guy came along would you be open to....and what about a guy with my qualities?yadda, yadda, yadda

The more time you get to know a person and in different social situations helps with body language reading. Asking the right questions will suit you better as many people send out mixed signals anyway and certain behaviors may mean different things depending on their cultural background or personal quirks. This means distancing can be taken many ways....just be sensible and keep your physical boundaries at a comfortable level for both of you.
 
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LKJ is offline LKJ Post #5  October 11,2009, 2:33pm
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Thanks for the input so far.

How I've made myself appear interested? I've flirted constantly. I think I've put forth a pretty clear vibe that way. Bought her a drink at the bar and chatted her up for most of the night. I started away-from-school stuff by inviting her over for group movie nights and stuff. Recently it's become one-on-one hangout time...she's trying to catch up on The Office, so we've been watching the past season together at my place. Thing is, we spend more time sitting and chatting than we do actually watching the show (this past Wednesday, we chatted for an hour or so, finally started the show, watched a couple of episodes, she said she'd better go, then stuck around and talked for another hour).

She's kind of traditional, kind of quiet, but I have a really easy time talking to her, especially when we're one-on-one. She lent me a couple of movies, romance movies, I watched them and told her what I thought (really liked one, the other was just okay)...when I told her how much I liked the first one, she was like, "Really?? You're not just saying that because I love it so much?" Does a girl even wonder that if she doesn't detect an interested guy?

A couple of weeks ago, I saw her at a tailgate party before a football game. I came up to her along with a friend of mine who is married (she's friends with him and his wife). She asked us if we were going to the game. The other friend and his wife said they were going, I said I wasn't sure and thought I shouldn't lose so much study time, she said "Oh come on, please go with me. I really want to go to this and I'm still on the fence." Naturally I wasn't turning down that invite. The girls in the school had a girls night function...one of my platonic friends said some nice things about me, this girl interjected and said, "She's right, he's so nice, and he's absolutely hilarious."

There's no doubt in the world that she has a positive opinion of me. It's just a lot less sure what kind of an opinion it is. She doesn't always bother responding to sporadic texts. When I showed up at a party she was at on Friday, she gravitated toward me and talked to me for basically the whole time until the party broke, but then turned down my offer to walk her home. Interested girls don't really do that, do they?

Maybe that gives a better idea for the situation.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  October 11,2009, 2:54pm
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A woman might offer a different opinion, but I'm of the opinion you've been "friend-zoned". I say that, entirely based on your description of events that she'll do things with you that "friends" do, but won't accept your invitation to do things that "dates" do (walk her home).

She is probably very well aware that you are interested in her ...and she's playing it for all the attention it's worth, but I'm thinking that if you stepped up to the plate for an at-bat, she'll strike you out.
 
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mT_TechGrl is offline mT_TechGrl Post #7  October 11,2009, 3:05pm
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Very interesting thread!

LKJ - Pretty much you have to decide whether or not she is worth pursuing or just a friend. You have to just talk to her just as you have talked about any other topics. She seems to be a receptive and accepting person so you shouldn't feel apprehensive about discussing any other possibilities. It is about the people involved and how the handle it. Would it be terrible if she wasn't interested and decide to be pals instead? follow your instincts and be brave - at least you will know for sure.

Good luck!

PS - Never thought it was creepy for a guy to let me know his feelings or intentions and I am an old fashioned girl.
 
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LKJ is offline LKJ Post #8  October 11,2009, 3:12pm
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Maybe so, BB. Obviously that's what I'm afraid of. I did fail to mention that after I watched one of the movies (Paris je t'aime), she e-mailed me and said, "I just had a brainstorm! Now I have someone who will go with me to see 'New York, I Love You'...sometime in October...be ready!" That movie is the follow-up to the Paris version. Obviously this is a date-type movie. Don't know if this changes the landscape at all.

I told her I'd be up for that, though now I'm discovering that this flick will only get limited release and won't probably come anywhere near our area, so I won't be able to specifically take advantage of that particular offer (I don't think that she's yet aware that it won't probably come around here). It's supposed to come out next week, while we've both gone our separate ways for a week for fall break; was figuring on maybe trying to use it as an excuse to ask her out to another movie instead anyway.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #9  October 11,2009, 3:24pm

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Well we know that she holds you with a good deal of esteem and also affectionately. What I don't understand is why you treat her as an inanimate object? Do you ever reach out and hold her hand or brush up against her? Did you ever think about inviting her for some one on one activity, a movie, a play, a dance, sporting activity, brunch or dinner and maybe ask her if she would like to do The Sunday Times Cross Word Puzzle with you? This would be raising the level of the relationship.

If you meet her brunch on a weekend, it might be nice if you told her how much of a the high regard that you hold for her as a friend and you also have very warm feelings for her as well, but you did not want to lose the friendship and then, ask her if it's mutual? If it's yes, then you have a girl friend and if it's a no, you still have her as a friend and it keeps you from wasting a year with wishful thinking. Take my word for it it's a win-win situation.

Harvey7..
 
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LKJ is offline LKJ Post #10  October 11,2009, 3:30pm
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mT_TechGrl wrote :
Very interesting thread!

LKJ - Pretty much you have to decide whether or not she is worth pursuing or just a friend. You have to just talk to her just as you have talked about any other topics. She seems to be a receptive and accepting person so you shouldn't feel apprehensive about discussing any other possibilities. It is about the people involved and how the handle it. Would it be terrible if she wasn't interested and decide to be pals instead? follow your instincts and be brave - at least you will know for sure.

Good luck!

PS - Never thought it was creepy for a guy to let me know his feelings or intentions and I am an old fashioned girl.
I think she's worth the risk, I think it's a good match. Lots of chemistry, lots of common interests, a lot of the same beliefs, etc.

The friend I referenced in the original post thought I was SO in a couple of weeks ago after she was me chatting this girl up at the bar. I mean, that went really well too, when another guy from school came up and was blatantly flirting with her, I wasn't really in the conversation but was just in earshot when the guy asked who she hung out with...I was the person she named as someone she had been spending a lot of time with lately, and then just generally said "and, I don't know, some of the girls." Now the friend who thought I was in isn't so sure and doesn't want to see me move in for the kill and get unduly embarrassed, wants me to wait it out and look for more signals. I'm always afraid of waiting too long, windows close and such.

It does worry me a bit more to put myself out there with this one because it's a small school and I can't just avoid her if it gets really awkward. It makes it riskier than other situations where you can try to maintain a friendship after the fact, and if it doesn't work you can just go your separate ways. I still don't want to wuss out on this though.

As mentioned in my last post, I'll probably try to get a movie date out of her after we get back from break (we're off in less than a week), and we'll see how that goes.
 
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