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LKJ LKJ is offline
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Harvey7 wrote :
Well we know that she holds you with a good deal of esteem and also affectionately. What I don't understand is why you treat her as an inanimate object? Do you ever reach out and hold her hand or brush up against her?.
I wouldn't say I exactly treat her as an inanimate object; I touch her on the shoulder and back when I flirt with her while we're close at social functions or whatever, her reaction is neither one to pull away at all or to really invite anything further. The fact is that this touching, while innocent in nature, is mostly one-sided and she doesn't initiate much of it herself. As a gentleman, I don't want to risk making her feel uncomfortable.

I certainly appreciate your other advice on how to broach the subject of being into her. Thank you.
- October 11th, 2009, 05:36 pm
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Lakeview Lakeview is offline
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My thought about this....she may not feel the same about you. You want to be more than just friends with this girl, she probably likes you as a friend..but when a girl starts to distance herself from you...sounds like she doesnt want an intimate relationship with you.

Could be she has interests elsewhere. If the interest is not returned toward you...I would move on.
- October 11th, 2009, 06:35 pm
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LKJ LKJ is offline
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Lakeview wrote :
My thought about this....she may not feel the same about you. You want to be more than just friends with this girl, she probably likes you as a friend..but when a girl starts to distance herself from you...sounds like she doesnt want an intimate relationship with you.

Could be she has interests elsewhere. If the interest is not returned toward you...I would move on.
There's very much a chance you're right. I'm not sure what I've said that makes you say she's started to distance herself though. If anything, slowly enough, she's drawn a little bit closer; she's comfortable coming over and hanging out one-on-one, she's brought up going to that movie together once it comes out, it doesn't seem like she's actually creating distance.

Her failure to initiate much is a discouraging sign that I may be out of luck here, but I wouldn't say she's done anything to distance herself. I'm a natural pessimist too, so I'm inclined to look for negative signs and a reason to bail; it's been a flaw of mine in the past that I get out at the sign of first resistance, and I'm trying not to do that anymore.

But, if I'm just being delusional and seeing a chance when it isn't there, I will get out. She asked me to go to that movie, it likely won't be available, if I ask her if she wants to go to another movie with me on a Friday or Saturday night instead and she declines outright, I'll know that's a pretty solid sign that I'm in friend zone and I'll accept it. I don't see any reason why I wouldn't at least attempt that though, since she's left me that as a really obvious opening and I won't even really lose any face for attempting it even if she turns it down; after all, she brought that up of her own volition anyway.

I really appreciate people taking the time to advise me on this, regardless of whether you've brought an optimistic or pessimistic voice.
- October 11th, 2009, 07:50 pm
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PR_Princess PR_Princess is offline
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LKJ wrote :
A couple of weeks ago, I saw her at a tailgate party before a football game. I came up to her along with a friend of mine who is married (she's friends with him and his wife). She asked us if we were going to the game.
There's an opportunity waving you in your face. Hope you don't miss it as you may get some more insight into this girl and her thoughts of you. Also I don't see any distancing in any of your posts and only you being drawn closer into her circle of trust. What is your religious backgrounds/beliefs? This maybe a reason she is not initiating touch or maybe she has learned a little initiation can cause a whole landslide of it? Otherwise I am with the others...this is a risk worth taking. There is a lot of positive energy between you two and you'll feel real foolish if someone else gets the girl, not because he is a better match, but because he showed initiative.
- October 11th, 2009, 08:27 pm
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nightling nightling is offline
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LKJ wrote :
I think she's worth the risk, I think it's a good match. Lots of chemistry, lots of common interests, a lot of the same beliefs, etc.

The friend I referenced in the original post thought I was SO in a couple of weeks ago after she was me chatting this girl up at the bar. I mean, that went really well too, when another guy from school came up and was blatantly flirting with her, I wasn't really in the conversation but was just in earshot when the guy asked who she hung out with...I was the person she named as someone she had been spending a lot of time with lately, and then just generally said "and, I don't know, some of the girls." Now the friend who thought I was in isn't so sure and doesn't want to see me move in for the kill and get unduly embarrassed, wants me to wait it out and look for more signals. I'm always afraid of waiting too long, windows close and such.

It does worry me a bit more to put myself out there with this one because it's a small school and I can't just avoid her if it gets really awkward. It makes it riskier than other situations where you can try to maintain a friendship after the fact, and if it doesn't work you can just go your separate ways. I still don't want to wuss out on this though.

As mentioned in my last post, I'll probably try to get a movie date out of her after we get back from break (we're off in less than a week), and we'll see how that goes.
Just because you state an interest doesn't mean the friendship has to end. Harvey gave you good advice on that I think.
- October 11th, 2009, 08:46 pm
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PR_Princess wrote :
There's an opportunity waving you in your face. Hope you don't miss it as you may get some more insight into this girl and her thoughts of you. Also I don't see any distancing in any of your posts and only you being drawn closer into her circle of trust. What is your religious backgrounds/beliefs? This maybe a reason she is not initiating touch or maybe she has learned a little initiation can cause a whole landslide of it? Otherwise I am with the others...this is a risk worth taking. There is a lot of positive energy between you two and you'll feel real foolish if someone else gets the girl, not because he is a better match, but because he showed initiative.
We're both Lutheran. I joked to her right after I first met her that I felt like I had won some kind of rare prize in a Facebook friend list scavenger hunt by finding someone who actually put "Lutheran" as their religious belief.

She seems old-fashioned for sure (as am I for the most part). Well, except that she listens to Kanye West, that doesn't fit at all.

In any case, she's traditional and shy and I have to imagine that she expects the guy to do the majority of the chasing, which I have no problem with. It does leave me with a lot less to go on though.

I mean, I've tried to keep an assertive but playful approach...as I was trying to establish our TV viewings as a regular thing (we had just done it for the first time the week before), I sat next to her during a break period at school and had the following exchange:

Me: Doing anything fun this week?
Her: Not really...mostly a lot of homework to get done.
Me: How about another Office viewing in the next few days?
Her: Maybe. There's really a lot that I have to get done.
Me: I bet you could find a couple of hours.
Her: Hmmm...I don't know, I'm pretty busy. (she then pulled out her planner, which was chalk-full of stuff)
Me: See? Nothing but blank pages.
Her: (laughing) What?? There are NO blank pages in here.
Me: Okay okay, I hear you. I've got a busy week too, I even have to go to a stupid makeup class Wednesday night at 6:30.
Her: Oh yeah, you were telling me about that. That's rough.
Me: Yeah, it sort of is, but I think I'll be okay...it just runs until 7:30, and then you're coming over after that to watch The Office, so I think it'll still be a fun evening.
Her: (laughing) Wednesday, huh? Hmm...that might work.

I left it alone, decided I'd just see what happens on Wednesday without saying another thing about it. Sure enough, she stopped me in the hall on Wednesday and said, "Hey, isn't tonight the night you're having that makeup class?" I said yeah, she said, "Okay, I was thinking maybe I'd just study in the library tonight then...maybe once you get out, you could text me and I could come on over?"

Granted, I had to work her a bit with the conversation earlier in the week, because it's really hard to get this girl's nose out of the books, but obviously my attempt wasn't really unwelcome and I didn't take it too far or anything. I don't know, things like this don't exactly tell me that she's distancing herself from me at all.
- October 11th, 2009, 09:38 pm
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LKJ wrote :
We're both Lutheran. I joked to her right after I first met her that I felt like I had won some kind of rare prize in a Facebook friend list scavenger hunt by finding someone who actually put "Lutheran" as their religious belief.

She seems old-fashioned for sure (as am I for the most part). Well, except that she listens to Kanye West, that doesn't fit at all.

In any case, she's traditional and shy and I have to imagine that she expects the guy to do the majority of the chasing, which I have no problem with. It does leave me with a lot less to go on though.

I mean, I've tried to keep an assertive but playful approach...as I was trying to establish our TV viewings as a regular thing (we had just done it for the first time the week before), I sat next to her during a break period at school and had the following exchange:

Me: Doing anything fun this week?
Her: Not really...mostly a lot of homework to get done.
Me: How about another Office viewing in the next few days?
Her: Maybe. There's really a lot that I have to get done.
Me: I bet you could find a couple of hours.
Her: Hmmm...I don't know, I'm pretty busy. (she then pulled out her planner, which was chalk-full of stuff)
Me: See? Nothing but blank pages.
Her: (laughing) What?? There are NO blank pages in here.
Me: Okay okay, I hear you. I've got a busy week too, I even have to go to a stupid makeup class Wednesday night at 6:30.
Her: Oh yeah, you were telling me about that. That's rough.
Me: Yeah, it sort of is, but I think I'll be okay...it just runs until 7:30, and then you're coming over after that to watch The Office, so I think it'll still be a fun evening.
Her: (laughing) Wednesday, huh? Hmm...that might work.

I left it alone, decided I'd just see what happens on Wednesday without saying another thing about it. Sure enough, she stopped me in the hall on Wednesday and said, "Hey, isn't tonight the night you're having that makeup class?" I said yeah, she said, "Okay, I was thinking maybe I'd just study in the library tonight then...maybe once you get out, you could text me and I could come on over?"

Granted, I had to work her a bit with the conversation earlier in the week, because it's really hard to get this girl's nose out of the books, but obviously my attempt wasn't really unwelcome and I didn't take it too far or anything. I don't know, things like this don't exactly tell me that she's distancing herself from me at all.
God bless your dear Lutheran heart. I'm very proud that you respect this girl's need to study but at the same time persist in getting some downtime with her. I think I would have been a total social chaos if it wasn't for some really good friends who wrestled me from the library every so often. Kanye West means she is well balanced mentally You can't be "good" all the time and I would be suspicious of a person that listen's to Disney tunes on her I-pod all the time. T.V. is okay but you don't want to be relegated to the "friend zone" so you might want to playfully check out that calender of hers and find an outdoor activity. If funds are difficult for you....I remember the University always having activities going on like...Acapella night, Friday night movie in the lecture hall, Spring fling etc..for a nominal fee.

Just a warning....if she feels she has to compete with you and the studies...the studies will win or if you win her grades will plummet. Either way...not a good scenario. She's not responsible for anything she may say or do right before and during mid-terms and finals week. Don't forget those small nice gestures like encouraging her to take a breaks for coffee etc...and if she is on a study streak....bring break time to her. Now you got me missing that hot chocolate they used to make on campus that was thicker than Mississippi mud
- October 12th, 2009, 09:09 am
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Sassafras54 Sassafras54 is offline
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OK, I'm betting she likes you, and not just as a friend. Unless she's from Mars she knows you're attracted to her. She is taking things slowly. Could be wrong but that's how it sounds.

You clearly like each other and have a lot in common. Why not tell her how you feel and ask her where she is with this? The downside: you might get disappointed, hurt, feel awkward, maybe lose a friendship. You'd get over that. The upside: you might get into a great relationship, perhaps the love of your life. The potential loss seems so small compared to the potential gain. Yes?
- October 12th, 2009, 09:28 am
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PR_Princess wrote :
God bless your dear Lutheran heart. I'm very proud that you respect this girl's need to study but at the same time persist in getting some downtime with her. I think I would have been a total social chaos if it wasn't for some really good friends who wrestled me from the library every so often. Kanye West means she is well balanced mentally You can't be "good" all the time and I would be suspicious of a person that listen's to Disney tunes on her I-pod all the time. T.V. is okay but you don't want to be relegated to the "friend zone" so you might want to playfully check out that calender of hers and find an outdoor activity. If funds are difficult for you....I remember the University always having activities going on like...Acapella night, Friday night movie in the lecture hall, Spring fling etc..for a nominal fee.

Just a warning....if she feels she has to compete with you and the studies...the studies will win or if you win her grades will plummet. Either way...not a good scenario. She's not responsible for anything she may say or do right before and during mid-terms and finals week. Don't forget those small nice gestures like encouraging her to take a breaks for coffee etc...and if she is on a study streak....bring break time to her. Now you got me missing that hot chocolate they used to make on campus that was thicker than Mississippi mud
Ha, I agree on the Kanye West thing. I'm all about finding a girl who's both traditional and not a prude. Doesn't mean I want to find myself having to listen to Kanye West on any regular basis, but...

I have tried other things (though I'd tend to defend the TV thing because like I said, we spend the majority of the time not watching TV but just sitting and talking and getting to know each other). A few weeks back I was trying to get her to go play racquetball with me. She said she wanted to, but kept hiding behind the books. I was getting discouraged by things like this, because I thought that while being busy was an entirely legit excuse, an interested girl would counter-offer with a time she was available or a way to hang out. The lack of counter-offer seemed a bad sign to me. With that said, in the last couple of weeks it seems like that has turned around too. Last Sunday, I was having some friends over for a function and invited her along. She said she really couldn't pull away from the library, but asked me to come join her later after my current plans ended.

And like I said, I'm going to try to get her to actually go out with me to a movie or something after the impending break. I figured that at this point I should be okay with following a natural progression of just getting her to hang out one-on-one at all (which has now happened a couple of times), then getting her to actually go out would be next.

In the meantime, I'll at least see her for lunch on Thursday, a foursome of us went out last Thursday and she said she hoped it would become a weekly thing (it's me, her, and two married people, guy and gal, not married to each other so it isn't another couple). When I saw her the other night, she insisted that I try Indian food for the first time this Thursday. I told her I would; she said, "Okay, because someone told me you weren't very adventurous..." I said, "Oh, that's so not true, I'll try anything once." She said, "Okay, okay. I had an ex-boyfriend who would never try anything new and was totally set in his ways, and it was so frustrating." I just smiled and said "Okay, well forget anything you've heard, that absolutely isn't me."

We'll see how it all goes. I'll keep the thread updated with anything major that happens.
- October 12th, 2009, 10:32 am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
OK, I'm betting she likes you, and not just as a friend. Unless she's from Mars she knows you're attracted to her. She is taking things slowly. Could be wrong but that's how it sounds.

You clearly like each other and have a lot in common. Why not tell her how you feel and ask her where she is with this? The downside: you might get disappointed, hurt, feel awkward, maybe lose a friendship. You'd get over that. The upside: you might get into a great relationship, perhaps the love of your life. The potential loss seems so small compared to the potential gain. Yes?
Thanks for the encouragement. I agree that it's worth the risk...I just didn't want to be blindly marching into certain defeat here. If things like her passing on my offer to walk her home aren't sure signs that I'm out of luck, then I'm willing to take my chances...it's not like I haven't been shot down before.
- October 12th, 2009, 10:44 am
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