My boyfriend..My daughter..My confusion?!


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california87 is offline california87 Post #1  October 10,2009, 10:42am
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So my boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years now. Our chemistry is great, he's nearly perfect in my book and we're very much in love..I also have a 7 year old daughter, which is not his..I would think by now that he would grow to except her and that it's just not me, it's "us", meaning me and my daughter. But for some reason he still wants only me to himself. He tells me that she annoys him and he mostly never wants to go places together with her because she doesn't "listen" and it embarrasses him. He also gets upset when i don't properly (what he thinks is proper) punish her for things she's done wrong. He tells me it's for the future of our relationship, for her to learn, listen, yadda yadda. But then sometimes he tells me he's not ready to be a father. I'm not saying he doesn't have a say in things, it's just it seems as though it's "his" way or no way. I've tried talking to him about how i feel about something or how i think it should be done and that we should compromise but he seems to just get mad. He's from Poland and he always says how they do this in Poland or that in Poland. Alot of his values and beliefs are different than mine. And it's like when i voice my opinion, it's "wrong" because that's not how he was taught or grew up knowing. I guess that has alot to do with this whole situation. I mean, my daughter is not a bad child, she's just a kid being a kid. In the beginning of our relationship though, these things were not so much a problem as they are now..Now it's kind of like i live two separate lives, one with him, then the other with my daughter. But i don't want this, i want our lives to be conjoined together. I love him with all my heart, he's nearly perfect and this is the only problem. I love my daughter also, more than life itself and i want her to be happy along with myself. This whole ordeal is eating me up inside. I desperetly need some advice here..Do you think that my boyfriend will eventual come to and we can be a happy family? Or am I wasting my time? Should I just find someone new who will love the both of us? I'm also afraid that i won't find someone as great as him. From those who know, is this true? Or is it possible to find someone just as great? I'm so confused. Please help me!
Last edited by california87; October 10,2009 at 11:46am.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  October 10,2009, 10:46am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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From what you've written I have a hard time seeing how you could have a long term future with this guy. Your daughter is part of the reality of your life...and a part that he apparently doesn't want in his life. I'm not saying he's 'bad'...just that he doesn't seem to want what you have. Sorry.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  October 10,2009, 10:54am
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Does the boyfriend have significantly different values and expectations around how children should behave, or be raised?

If yes, then you and he have a large lifestyle difference you need to negotiate with him, to come to some acceptable compromise. If you can’t or won’t, then I think it is best to part ways.

I do not agree that he has a lesser say due to not being the parent. To make the merged household work, I think he needs to come to the relationship with the rights and obligations of an equal adult. That said, the burden is on him to have stated to you well before this point about what manner of children’s behavior is appropriate / expected.

If no, or if the problem is the child behaving differently to each of you, then I see the issue as being around the child’s misbehavior, and therefore that is where the corrective action needs to be.

Given that you otherwise like the person, I think this one may benefit from seeking professional advice, like a psychologist.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  October 10,2009, 11:00am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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D_Lion wrote :
I do not agree that he has a lesser say due to not being the parent. To make the merged household work, I think he needs to come to the relationship with the rights and obligations of an equal adult.
Off topic: the potential 'You're not his/her father' or 'You're not my father' problems are one big part of why I'd be very hesitant about getting involved with a single mother.
 
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whatalife1683 is offline whatalife1683 Post #5  October 10,2009, 11:38am
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If you two cannot compromise on this situation, then you need to move on with your life. You don't need the thought that you won't find anyone else. Guess what? There are other guys out there just not 1. If you read what you have written, you kinda contradict yourself. On one hand, you say he is perfect; however, you then state the main gripe about him. It goes to show you nobody is even close to perfect. Seriously, you need to talk to him and let him have some say so. If you are not willing to do this, then your relationship is just hopeless. By the way, most guys would like a say so if in a serious relationship. This is where both parties agree on a compromise which is reasonable. Also, I have to agree I hate when someone would say you are not the father. If I was to have kids with a girl, am I suppose to only discipline our kids and not your kid? This is something that is unfair to a guy in a long term relationship with a single mother.
 
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outdoorjeanie is offline outdoorjeanie Post #6  October 10,2009, 12:08pm
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Whatever you decide to do, remember that your daughter comes first. You are the only one that can protect her and give her what she need to be a healthy adult woman.

Is sounds as though you two are on completely different planets when it comes to how to raise children. It's tough enough between the biological parents let alone someone not related. Best wishes for the best outcome for everyone there!
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #7  October 10,2009, 3:33pm
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I could be wrong, but if after two years "Mr. Perfect" hasn't been able to accept your daughter and "wants you all to himself" you have a problem. I guess I am trying to figure out how you lasted this long with him and all the issues you have with him and your daughter. Your very young daughter. I see this as more than just a problem of different ways to discipline your child-sounds to me like he could take your daughter or leave her.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with him. I admire anyone, male or female, who can accept someone else's children and go into the relationship and all the related issues. But this guy has made his feelings about your daughter very clear. Children can really pick up on things. They know when someone doesn't care for them, so this must be very stressful for your small child. I don't really see things getting any better. One saying I have found true: small children, small problems; big children, big problems. I have children so I am telling you whatever issues or problems they have only get bigger the older they get. How do you think he will handle things then? I say stop thinking about yourself and what you want and put yourself in your daughter's shoes and think about what is best for her.

Another thing - what if you stayed with this guy and had a child by him. Have you ever thought that the way he is behaving he will probably treat "his" child better than he treats yours?
Last edited by TiffanyDiamond; October 10,2009 at 3:35pm.
 
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Carnae is offline Carnae Post #8  October 10,2009, 3:58pm
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It's verrry obvious - YOUR DAUGHTER!!

I agree with what the lady above me has said. He's really NOT perfect if he cannot/will not accepty your daughter. Seriously - what does he expect you to do - give up your daughter, pass her off to other relatives, leave her in the street, just murder her???

I've been a single mother for most of my kids' lives, and I can tell you right now - NO GUY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY CHILDREN. PERIOD!

I think if you really pay attention to your heart, you'll realize that you already know the correct answer for yourself. There really is NOT any confusion. It's a matter of your heart saying this is nuts and unacceptable, and yet you're arguing in your mind, and don't want to accept this truth.

So the question really becomes - why on earth do you think you won't find a DIFFERENT man who can really love you AND your child? She's verrrry important! Certainly a LOT more important than this man.

I know it's hard to choose to be single instead of accepting an unacceptable situation. But if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. Just think of how this is affecting your daughter and her mental health, and her self-esteem? She's getting the message that she's not important, and that there is something intrinsically wrong with her just because this guy has issues with kids.

I'd say it's time to cut bait, and try a new fishing line.

Good luck. ~smiles~
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #9  October 10,2009, 4:46pm
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red flag # 1
really, could it be any clearer?
wrote :
he tells me he's not ready to be a father.
red flag # 2

wrote :
it's just it seems as though it's "his" way or no way. I've tried talking to him about how i feel about something or how i think it should be done and that we should compromise but he seems to just get mad. He's from Poland and he always says how they do this in Poland or that in Poland. Alot of his values and beliefs are different than mine. And it's like when i voice my opinion, it's "wrong" because that's not how he was taught or grew up knowing.
compromise is a must in any relationship, kid or no kid.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #10  October 10,2009, 4:58pm
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You and your daughter are a package deal. He doesn't want half of that package. I don't see any confusion here... you're not a good match, no matter what kind of chemistry you have.

You've already gotten some EXCELLENT responses. I hope you take them to heart.
 
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