Boyfriend dressed up in old fashioned outfit!

Hi Happy!

What an interesting story, and so complex! It would make a good short film!

You ask why you reacted so strongly. Reading through, I wonder if he was expressing anger towards you, in an indirect way? It's never easy to be the target of anger, and when it's indirect it's also very confusing. ?? Just a thought, could be way off-base.

Darn those artistic, brainy types! They can be irritating!

Hi!

Some post on this board (the dress question) reminded me of something that happened to me in the past...something that was not fun or pleasant.

I didn't get a chance to talk about it much or how it made me feel and would like some imput at this time, even though this happened long ago.

I had a bf at one time...one who was very counter cultural. He was brainy and artistic, things I liked in men. He was also very fond of the 60's and felt those times were so much better than now. I don't share that view but I know many who grew up in the 60's did.

He did something at the very end of our relationship (it was petering out, really) that really irritated and disturbed me. We decided to meet up for dinner, as friends (the relationship was pretty done by then), at a cute indian restaurant in a beach town in California. It was a very hot, summer with balmy nights.

Anyway, I hadn't seen him in awhile...he comes in wearing, and I am almost embarrassed to say this or that I was actually with him, an old fashioned outfit complete with TALL hat, LONG GREY SCRUFFY beard (he grew it out), long shirt and VEST. Everyone else, including me, were wearing summer dresses, summer wear, light clothing due to the heat. He was dressed like someone from the old wild west movies or the outfits they dress people up to get old fashioned photos...that is how he looked.

This was in sharp contrast to the visage he had when I met him. Very short hair, nice looking loose trousers or jeans, tees...he was hip and current when I met him and was a reason I said yes to another date.

We have dinner and even though I am hating seeing him in this outfit (made him look ODD and OLD, VERY unattractive I could barely look at him) I was pleasant and nice and made nice during the dinner...but I hated it. I could barely concentrate on the food.

I then asked him "what is with the get up"? He wants to make a "statement". What I gather from the conversation is he is depressed, hates the times we live in (see above about the 60's) and is wearing this particular outfit because the hippies at times wore this kind of outfit for some reason or another (didn't I know this???). He was depressed about his life, our culture and this is one way it came out.

I had a strong reaction to this. Even though I am very attracted to artistic people and I myself enjoy funky, fun, colorful, interesting, artistic clothes...I hated this. It made me feel angry at him, annoyed, embarrassed and depressed. I did not enjoy being with him in this outfit. But I kept quiet and just was nice. In fact, I said nothing until later.

After that there was NO chance of my EVER being with him again. It was over. He effectively squelched any smidgen of desire that may have been left. Good riddance! I felt embarrassed I even dated him even though in most other ways he was fine.

I have often wondered...why did I react so strongly? I am thinking because it's a negative way to make a statement. He looked OLD and ODD, not interesting and fun. Nothing wrong with being old...not at all...but why look like the male version of hag? Why work at it? He stood out like a sore thumb, drew attention to himself in a bad way (everyone else was dressed in happy, light summer clothing enjoying the wonderful evening) and I doubt anyone would've understood what the heck he was trying to say. I am willing to bet they would have avoided him at all costs. And, in a sense, standing out like this without considering the feelings of the one you are dining with is pretty self centered. It wasn't Halloween. I wasn't expecting to dine near someone who wanted to be a one man show.

Later I mentioned how it made me feel, not wanting to change him but just say...it felt odd to me and what is going on? He scoffed at my attitude and suggested I was "close minded" and acting like a "small town girl" (even though I am pretty urban, live and visit Los Angeles all the time). In his mind, a "cool" person would've thought it was funny and interesting. I did not. Everyone around us just ignored us.

Looking back I see what BS he was delivering. First of all, one of the things he liked about me was how I dressed (nice, interesting and sexy and fun). IF I had done the same thing (dressed to attract attention but in an ugly way), I DOUBT very much he would've thought it was "cute". He would have never dated me PERIOD. What BS for him to think he can get away with looking as bad as that and still have me be pleased!!! It's a KINDNESS to dress NICE for others. It's not a kindness to standout like an oddball!

Second of all...it screamed "I am an oddball and I have issues". It was all about his depression, anger and his REFUSAL to FIT IN in ANY way AND in a negative way. I mean it was a really, nice, balmy evening...why wear HOT, uncomfortable, UGLY clothes on such a nice evening? It didn't fit at all.

This was a long time ago but I remember being upset about it the next day and was not sure why.

Of course, I am over it now. The lesson is that being unique is all good but being so counter cultural you want to make a scene in a negative way, is really not very nice at all. Unless there is a good reason for it, why shock people? There is something to say about fitting in to a certain degree or being conventional in a certain way. But why? Maybe because it's really stressful to not? I still don't know. Maybe it's being polite to go with the flow...and just plain nice. Maybe making a scene and standing out too much is rude because it causes stress?

Any thoughts? Does anyone on this board think my reaction is superficial, shallow or small minded? Just curious.

Aren't you glad you didn't have this disappointing experience? I shudder when I think about this experience and am so glad I am NOT with him. One of the reasons I could not be with him was because he was too unconventional...too rejecting of "ways" that were actually positive and life affirming. It's like being contrary for the sake of being contrary. That was him.

YES, clothes matter!!! LOL

Hi!




He did something at the very end of our relationship (it was petering out, really) that really irritated and disturbed me. We decided to meet up for dinner, as friends (the relationship was pretty done by then), at a cute indian restaurant in a beach town in California. It was a very hot, summer with balmy nights.

Anyway, I hadn't seen him in awhile...he comes in wearing, and I am almost embarrassed to say this or that I was actually with him, an old fashioned outfit complete with TALL hat, LONG GREY SCRUFFY beard (he grew it out), long shirt and VEST. Everyone else, including me, were wearing summer dresses, summer wear, light clothing due to the heat. He was dressed like someone from the old wild west movies or the outfits they dress people up to get old fashioned photos...that is how he looked.

I have this vision of Abraham Lincoln in my head now that just won't go away. But even funnier is that you said you were at the end of a relationship and you hadn't seen him in awhile. I am wondering how long it took to grow out that long, grey scruffy beard? Yall had not seen each other in quite awhile.

This was in sharp contrast to the visage he had when I met him. Very short hair, nice looking loose trousers or jeans, tees...he was hip and current when I met him and was a reason I said yes to another date.

We have dinner and even though I am hating seeing him in this outfit (made him look ODD and OLD, VERY unattractive I could barely look at him) I was pleasant and nice and made nice during the dinner...but I hated it. I could barely concentrate on the food.
Here I think you are possibly angry with yourself upon seeing his odd appearance, you are wondering how you could have ever been remotely attracted to this impersonation of a person you once dated. Did you, in your own mind, know it was over with OR were you hoping for a reunion until his odd appearance?
I then asked him "what is with the get up"? He wants to make a "statement". What I gather from the conversation is he is depressed, hates the times we live in (see above about the 60's) and is wearing this particular outfit because the hippies at times wore this kind of outfit for some reason or another (didn't I know this???). He was depressed about his life, our culture and this is one way it came out.
He sounds depressed maybe even mental to go to the extremes he has. I have noticed this alot where I live. I wonder if I am living in an institution?
I had a strong reaction to this. Even though I am very attracted to artistic people and I myself enjoy funky, fun, colorful, interesting, artistic clothes...I hated this. It made me feel angry at him, annoyed, embarrassed and depressed. I did not enjoy being with him in this outfit. But I kept quiet and just was nice. In fact, I said nothing until later.
I think sometimes we hope that those we love will never change, yet change is inevitable and as evidence shows....not for the better. I am not sure what your strong reaction to it was about, I think you need to dissect the situation especially since it is still on your mind today and it's been quite some time ago since this happened.
After that there was NO chance of my EVER being with him again. It was over. He effectively squelched any smidgen of desire that may have been left. Good riddance! I felt embarrassed I even dated him even though in most other ways he was fine.

I have often wondered...why did I react so strongly? I am thinking because it's a negative way to make a statement. He looked OLD and ODD, not interesting and fun. Nothing wrong with being old...not at all...but why look like the male version of hag? Why work at it? He stood out like a sore thumb, drew attention to himself in a bad way (everyone else was dressed in happy, light summer clothing enjoying the wonderful evening) and I doubt anyone would've understood what the heck he was trying to say. I am willing to bet they would have avoided him at all costs. And, in a sense, standing out like this without considering the feelings of the one you are dining with is pretty self centered. It wasn't Halloween. I wasn't expecting to dine near someone who wanted to be a one man show.
Did you feel he upstaged you somehow?

Later I mentioned how it made me feel, not wanting to change him but just say...it felt odd to me and what is going on? He scoffed at my attitude and suggested I was "close minded" and acting like a "small town girl" (even though I am pretty urban, live and visit Los Angeles all the time). In his mind, a "cool" person would've thought it was funny and interesting. I did not. Everyone around us just ignored us.

Looking back I see what BS he was delivering. First of all, one of the things he liked about me was how I dressed (nice, interesting and sexy and fun). IF I had done the same thing (dressed to attract attention but in an ugly way), I DOUBT very much he would've thought it was "cute". He would have never dated me PERIOD. What BS for him to think he can get away with looking as bad as that and still have me be pleased!!! It's a KINDNESS to dress NICE for others. It's not a kindness to standout like an oddball!

Second of all...it screamed "I am an oddball and I have issues". It was all about his depression, anger and his REFUSAL to FIT IN in ANY way AND in a negative way. I mean it was a really, nice, balmy evening...why wear HOT, uncomfortable, UGLY clothes on such a nice evening? It didn't fit at all.

This was a long time ago but I remember being upset about it the next day and was not sure why.

Of course, I am over it now. The lesson is that being unique is all good but being so counter cultural you want to make a scene in a negative way, is really not very nice at all. Unless there is a good reason for it, why shock people? There is something to say about fitting in to a certain degree or being conventional in a certain way. But why? Maybe because it's really stressful to not? I still don't know. Maybe it's being polite to go with the flow...and just plain nice. Maybe making a scene and standing out too much is rude because it causes stress?

Any thoughts? Does anyone on this board think my reaction is superficial, shallow or small minded? Just curious.

Aren't you glad you didn't have this disappointing experience? I shudder when I think about this experience and am so glad I am NOT with him. One of the reasons I could not be with him was because he was too unconventional...too rejecting of "ways" that were actually positive and life affirming. It's like being contrary for the sake of being contrary. That was him.

YES, clothes matter!!! LOL