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CapnCrunch23 CapnCrunch23 is offline
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NeedHelp2009 wrote :
It's a good idea to talk to his ex. But I don't have the number (don't even know her name). I don't think I could ask his son to share the number without letting him know. I once asked the boy one simple question about his mom (her job, I think). The answer is "I don't know". )
I have to disagree with contacting the ex. I really don't see the point. You're asking her for advice on a man she divorced. From what I read your problem is with your BF. not the child. I would be hesistant to involve an ex into relationship unless it specifically was an issue between the child and I.

If you do plan on contacting the ex. Are you going to run this past your BF first. If I were him I would be offended if you did not. something to consider there.

To me this reeks of communication breakdown. Imo I don't feel going to the ex is going to resolve or shed some light on your issue in anyway.
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; October 5th, 2009 at 09:49 am.
- October 5th, 2009, 09:42 am
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NeedHelp2009 NeedHelp2009 is offline
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coastalmom wrote :
Dating with kids is hard. I know, I've tried. Between work, home, kids, and activities there isn't much time left to share with anyone else. And good luck having a reliable schedule. Things are always changing. But that's part of having kids. If your boyfriend can't manage his schedule, then he shouldn't be dating. Or, he should limit it to days when he doesn't have his son over. As for the sleeping over part, no one has or ever will stay over at my home when my kids are there. That's not the example I want to set for my kids.
My BF only has his son over on weekend once every two weeks. They usually got to finish what they had scheduled together (e.g. dental appointment, baseball game, etc.) before I went to meet them, which would be late afternoons.

The only reason I stayed over night was because he told me that his son needed to go to bed early and it would not be fair for the boy to ride with us in the car to drive me back to the parking place. I now drive my own car over to his apartment when his son is visiting.

You may ask why I could not leave earlier. It was rather complicated if I did that with my BF. I felt that he would expect me to spend over 1 day with them whenever I was there. If I told him that I needed to go that night to write my thesis or do something else, he would get upset (although he would not admit it when I asked) and say "you don't need an excuse to leave if that is what you want to".
- October 5th, 2009, 09:57 am
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scarlet13 scarlet13 is offline
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scarlet13 How many Fates turn around in the overtime?

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honestly? this guy sounds like way too much work.

i'd probably cut my losses and jet.
- October 5th, 2009, 10:07 am
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coastalmom coastalmom is offline
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NeedHelp2009 wrote :
My BF only has his son over on weekend once every two weeks. They usually got to finish what they had scheduled together (e.g. dental appointment, baseball game, etc.) before I went to meet them, which would be late afternoons.

The only reason I stayed over night was because he told me that his son needed to go to bed early and it would not be fair for the boy to ride with us in the car to drive me back to the parking place. I now drive my own car over to his apartment when his son is visiting.

You may ask why I could not leave earlier. It was rather complicated if I did that with my BF. I felt that he would expect me to spend over 1 day with them whenever I was there. If I told him that I needed to go that night to write my thesis or do something else, he would get upset (although he would not admit it when I asked) and say "you don't need an excuse to leave if that is what you want to".
Well then, it sounds like you would have problems with this guy even if he didn't have kids. He's not being respectful of you or your time. If it's more work than fun this early on, why stay?
- October 5th, 2009, 10:08 am
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NeedHelp2009 NeedHelp2009 is offline
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CaptCrunch23 wrote :
I have to disagree with contacting the ex. I really don't see the point. You're asking her for advice on a man she divorced. From what I read your problem is with your BF. not the child. I would be hesistant to involve an ex into relationship unless it specifically was an issue between the child and I.

If you do plan on contacting the ex. Are you going to run this past your BF first. If I were him I would be offended if you did not. something to consider there.

To me this reeks of communication breakdown. Imo I don't feel going to the ex is going to resolve or shed some light on your issue in anyway.
Thank you very much for you understanding. I like that kid very much! Although I don't completely agree with the way they bring up the boy, I keep my mouth zipped.

The ex? I don't think that I will contact her in any means (don't know her number or where she is). She had talked to her son on the phone, when my BF was out to the grocery store, that my BF couldn't compromise the kid's life because I was there (it was about where to put the cat litterbox) and told the boy to talk to me about moving the box. I have left and will leave such issued between the parents.
- October 5th, 2009, 10:08 am
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coastalmom wrote :
Well then, it sounds like you would have problems with this guy even if he didn't have kids. He's not being respectful of you or your time. If it's more work than fun this early on, why stay?
It sounds strange on my side, doesn't it? I am still thinking about all the good time we have spent together and hope both of us can make some improvement. I don't know whether things would be different if I had conversation with him at the beginning about how I felt and that I would expect some respect from this relationship. Or, I could have suggested earlier that it might be better not for me to go over when the kid was around. All of these seem to be a routine now and it may be more difficult to make any change.
- October 5th, 2009, 10:17 am
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CapnCrunch23 CapnCrunch23 is offline
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NeedHelp2009 wrote :
Thank you very much for you understanding. I like that kid very much! Although I don't completely agree with the way they bring up the boy, I keep my mouth zipped.

The ex? I don't think that I will contact her in any means (don't know her number or where she is). She had talked to her son on the phone, when my BF was out to the grocery store, that my BF couldn't compromise the kid's life because I was there (it was about where to put the cat litterbox) and told the boy to talk to me about moving the box. I have left and will leave such issued between the parents.
Well you're doing the right thing by staying out of the parenting.
I would do the same, unless I was directly asked my advice on a particular matter. I think you're making the right decision in not contacting the ex.

Since I am neither divorced or have a child. I can not put myself in his shoes. Seeing that this is fairly new to him, dating after a divorce with or without a child is difficult. Right now you are sort of the guinney pig for him while he learns to do so.

If I were in his position..Yes. absolutley!!, my child would be a priority and I would do anything within reason for him.. but I would also be very considerate to the new person in my life. Meaning I will not use my child as an excuse. I will make sure that she is comfortable and I am giving just as much attention to her as I am my child. In turn, bringing the 2 different halfs of my life together somehow.

Yes.. you do need to cut him some slack, but are you willing to continue to make an effort with a man that does not seem to be considerate of you and not does not seem to want to put an effort into furthing your relationship.. just my take on things..
- October 5th, 2009, 10:36 am
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Harvey7 Harvey7 is offline
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sabete2002 wrote :
Harvey, picking up the phone to speak to his ex-wife is a bad idea. This issue is between the OP and her boyfriend. His ex has nothing to do with it and should not be involved. She's hardly likely to give objective feedback anyway.

Dear Sabete,
That was my point exactly she lacks any objectivity and keeps making excuses for him. You can learn an lot about a person from their ex-soul mates, but you have to be open minded. By the way, if I called your ex. for a reference on your strengths and weakness, what do you think that he would have to say about you? (Smile!)

Now she drives an average of 140 miles round trip on the weekend there are 52.8 weekend in a year or 7,400 miles to see him and sleeps on the couch, now add $3.00/per gal. for gas =$2220.00 for travel not including wear and tear on the car. I did not read that he gave her a gas credit card, did you?
I told her to re-read the post and to ask herself, why, she posted in the first place?
There is nothing wrong with speaking with the first wife to learn about him Funnything about people's history, it is a reasonable predictor of a persons future behavior.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; October 5th, 2009 at 10:41 am.
- October 5th, 2009, 10:36 am
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NeedHelp2009 NeedHelp2009 is offline
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Harvey7 wrote :
Dear Sabete,
That was my point exactly she lacks any objectivity and keeps making excuses for him. You can learn an lot about a person from their ex-soul mates, but you have to be open minded. By the way, if I called your ex. for a reference on your strengths and weakness, what do you think that he would have to say about you? (Smile!)

Now she drives an average of 140 miles round trip on the weekend there are 52.8 weekend in a year or 7,400 miles to see him and sleeps on the couch, now add $3.00/per gal. for gas =$2220.00 for travel not including wear and tear on the car. I did not read that he gave her a gas credit card, did you?
I told her to re-read the post and to ask herself, why, she posted in the first place?
There is nothing wrong with speaking with the first wife to learn about him Funnything about people's history, it is a reasonable predictor of a persons future behavior.

Harvey7.
Harvey, my apologies for the confusing on the driving distance. It's about 90 miles around trip between his and my home. 70 miles was for last Saturday when I had to drive from the girl's school in another state.

I posted my question here hoping to get advice on how to have a nice conversation with him and tell him how I feel and whether it's possible for us to improve the relationship. There were some emotional moments on both sides when he and I talked on the phone last Saturday and I asked him why he needed this relationship with me. He later texted me that he felt insecure sometimes esp coz I talked about ending things with him the night before, and that he was sorry about forgetting our plan. I had a second thought after reading this msg. Maybe he doesn't know how to show me that he likes me? Or if I am able to have a discussion with him about the situation, he may understand it better and make some efforts for improvement? It's hard for one to see it through when he/she is in a relationship. That's why I posted here in the first place asking for help. (I also want to be fair that he can be sweet when things are right.)
- October 5th, 2009, 10:54 am
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NeedHelp2009 NeedHelp2009 is offline
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CaptCrunch23 wrote :
Well you're doing the right thing by staying out of the parenting.
I would do the same, unless I was directly asked my advice on a particular matter. I think you're making the right decision in not contacting the ex.

Since I am neither divorced or have a child. I can not put myself in his shoes. Seeing that this is fairly new to him, dating after a divorce with or without a child is difficult. Right now you are sort of the guinney pig for him while he learns to do so.

Yes.. you do need to cut him some slack, but are you willing to continue to make an effort with a man that does not seem to be considerate of you and not does not seem to want to put an effort into furthing your relationship.. just my take on things..
According to what he told me, this was the first serious relationship he has had since his divorce 5 years ago. Me, myself, am neither divorced or have a child, either. So I don't know whether this is common. I did have one bad experience from a previous relationship when the kid badmouthed about me in front of my ex-BF, his mom and his grandparents and led to the breakup between my ex-BF and me (I was not the first one whose relationship with his dad was broken up by that kid). I told my current BF about my fear. The good part is that his son is a very sweet boy and easygoing boy. I guess that I may actually be the guinea pig as what you said...
- October 5th, 2009, 11:02 am
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