Do I give him a second chance.....


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Geegirl123 is offline Geegirl123 Post #1  October 1,2009, 7:21pm
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I was seeing a guy for four months. All of a sudden, he stated he would like to be 'just friends'. I was devastated. We were already intimate, and saying 'I love you' to each other. He would not give a straight answer when I asked him why the sudden change. He stated that I was smothering him (which was not true) and that he was unhappy. About two months ago I had an opportunity to speak to him after three months of silence. I finally found out why he dumped me. He stated that his ex-wife hurt him (she started seeing another guy while they were married) and because of this he is afraid to committ himself in a relationship. I asked him a couple questions; are you still in love with your ex-wife (no) do you want to try to get over her (yes) and one important question, how do you feel about me (he still loves me) I have many doubts. I still have feelings for him and because of this I told him that I would talk to him and support him in any way to try to get his ex-wife's psychological 'hold' out of him. One question remains, do I give him another chance and try to help him break the 'spell' she has over him. If so, how?
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #2  October 1,2009, 9:57pm
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It seems as though he may be a great guy and that you've fallen in love with him, but the timing might not be right.... Based on his reaction and the explanation that he offered, it is apparent that he is still not over his wife.

I hope I'm not being hurtful, but the real question may be -- do you want to be the gal that helps him get over his ex and (possibly) be his rebound?

If I were in your position, I know I'd be tempted to give him a second chance and try to work things out. It seems, however, that there's a high likelihood that you'll get hurt if (for some reason) he's either not able to get over his ex or (perhaps)does get over her, but moves on to someone else after you've helped him forget her.

The above are worst case scenarios to keep in mind to protect your heart from disappointment, but there's of course the chance that you two will work things out and that he'll get over his ex.

Before deciding to give him a second chance, however, I encourage you to first decide whether you're willing to go back with him knowing that there's a chance that he may never get over his ex and that you may be his rebound (I'm sure you're an incredible individual, but sometimes even the greatest people become rebounds when the people with whom they're involved, have not fully gotten over their previous relationships).

....Best wishes
 
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nogamespls40 is offline nogamespls40 Post #3  October 1,2009, 10:19pm
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Honestly, the best thing you can do is let him know that you do care about him, but think it is best he gets himself together first. This man is not emotionally available to you, does not mean he does not care about you, but he needs to work on him first before he can truly be open to sharing a loving and caring relationship with you. He is not over his wife or the pain from the heartbreak yet and because of that, you clearly stand to be hurt badly in the end. For the sake of both of you, please give this man the space and time he needs to heal.

As for a spell, there is no spell to be broken. He was a married man that was cheated on by the wife he loved and is in pain and heartbroken. Unfortunately, you can't help him repair his broken heart, but you can give him the space he needs to heal himself. Put yourself in his shoes and then ask yourself if it would be remotely possible for you to actually be emotionally available to love another when you are still dealing with a broken heart. I think he does like you and see you as a great woman, but he does not want to subject you to the emotional roller coaster that he is dealing with right now. He needs time and truly should not be dating anyone right now.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  October 1,2009, 10:21pm

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When it's over it's OVER! All of the Kings men and all of the zzzzzzzzz kings horses could not put Humpty Dumpty together again. He is lying to you about his wife. move on or do you need the house to fall on you?

Call his wife and invite her to lunch, buy her a few drinks and you find out why she dumped your guy.

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Lanc is offline Lanc Post #5  October 1,2009, 10:26pm
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I'm suspicious of this guy. Tell him cause & effect. She cheated; he left. Case closed. It's a wrap. You are not her & have not done anything wrong.

Could be he is just looking for sympathy & is being a drama queen about it. Perhaps this is his personality flaw & the reason his wife went looking?

This one smells.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  October 2,2009, 8:41am
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You are his rebound, plain and simple. He's not in love with you, he's in love with the idea of being involved with someone ...anyone, at this point.

Think of yourself as a bandaid covering the wound his ex-wife gave him. Doing what a bandaid does, you keep him from bleeding and you protect him from outside exposure and infection, but ultimately, you are still just a bandaid. The healing part is up to him and, thankfully, it does happen eventually with or without your help.

The bad part - for you - is ...once the wound is healed, the bandaid gets tossed into the trash because it's no longer needed anymore.

Don't be a bandaid. It won't end well for you ...trust me, BTDT.
 
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smileatjen is offline smileatjen Post #7  October 2,2009, 9:55am
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I agree with the other posters. I think you are a rebound and I don't think that is healthy for you. He can't love you in the way you want to be loved. You may get some of the responses you are seeking, but honestly sometimes my theory is the past is sometimes good to keep the past.
 
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ennoidyam is offline ennoidyam Post #8  October 2,2009, 11:36am
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Harvey7 wrote :
When it's over it's OVER! All of the Kings men and all of the zzzzzzzzz kings horses could not put Humpty Dumpty together again. He is lying to you about his wife. move on or do you need the house to fall on you?

Call his wife and invite her to lunch, buy her a few drinks and you find out why she dumped your guy.

Harvey7.

Ha Ha! Well said! I totally agree! Never read the same book twice...the ending is always going to be the same.
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #9  October 2,2009, 4:39pm
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Geegirl123 wrote :
I was seeing a guy for four months. All of a sudden, he stated he would like to be 'just friends'. I was devastated. We were already intimate, and saying 'I love you' to each other. He would not give a straight answer when I asked him why the sudden change. He stated that I was smothering him (which was not true) and that he was unhappy. About two months ago I had an opportunity to speak to him after three months of silence. I finally found out why he dumped me. He stated that his ex-wife hurt him (she started seeing another guy while they were married) and because of this he is afraid to committ himself in a relationship. I asked him a couple questions; are you still in love with your ex-wife (no) do you want to try to get over her (yes) and one important question, how do you feel about me (he still loves me) I have many doubts. I still have feelings for him and because of this I told him that I would talk to him and support him in any way to try to get his ex-wife's psychological 'hold' out of him. One question remains, do I give him another chance and try to help him break the 'spell' she has over him. If so, how?

He lied to you. He will do it again.

Lie = No Respect!
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #10  October 2,2009, 5:01pm

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the problem isn't his ex wife. the problem is him.
 
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