How much space do I need to give my bf?


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alwayslost is offline alwayslost Post #1  September 30,2009, 3:43pm
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My bf and I had a huge fight on sunday over a serious issue (not gonna go into details but in short he hid vital info from me and I found out on my own in a psycho stalker way which I know I shouldn't have and regret) and I feel like it could end in a breakup if I don't try to smooth things over. I really want things to work out. I know I need to give him some time and space to think, so the only contact i've had with him this week is responding to a text he sent me yesterday. He was obviously upset in that text. I was thinking of writing him a handwritten letter and mailing it to him. In the letter I wanna apologize to him for acting the way I did and ask him if we can just put everything in the past and start over. Also I want to let him know that I realize I need to be supportive of him since he's going through a rough time in his life (another issue). When should I mail out the letter? If I mail it out on friday, is that too soon? I want to give him his space but at the same time, I don't wanna wait too long to the point where he might think I really don't care about him.

Also, am I doing the right thing? If not, let me know what I should do. I will do anything to keep our relationship strong.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  September 30,2009, 3:47pm
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You give him as much space as he needs/wants. If the amount of space is never seeing him again, thats his decision.

Without knowing much, I'm guessing you messed up. The only thing you can do is apologize profusely and let him forgive you in time. Its a possibility that whatever you did, maybe unforgivable and you need to accept that.

There is nothing you can do to "hurry" it up. If you try, it will only push him away.
 
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alwayslost is offline alwayslost Post #3  September 30,2009, 4:05pm
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Honestly, I don't wanna go into details cuz I respect him and I'm sure he doesn't want the whole world to know what happened between us but basically there's something he didn't tell me about himself that he should have. A few months ago something didn't feel right as if he were acting different or just distant. I went overboard and psycho and I looked him up online and found out way more information that I probably should have. I did tell him the truth as to how I found out all the info and of course, it was psycho (which i regret) and so I guess there's trust issues now. So basically he was the one in the wrong for not telling me what I needed to know but I too was in the wrong for the way I reacted and handled the situation.

I really don't know how much space he needs which is why i'm asking. I really think both of us need to chill out and have a clear head to think before communicating with each other again. I think i've gained control of the situation as far as controlling my emotions to be able to think but I dunno about him.
Last edited by alwayslost; September 30,2009 at 4:08pm. Reason: Left out information
 
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ohiossteacher is offline ohiossteacher Post #4  September 30,2009, 4:38pm
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alwayslost wrote :
He was obviously upset in that text.
Unfortunately, the tone of a text message is up to interpretation by the person who reads it. I think that if you wanna talk to him, then talk to him. If you have given him three or more days, then go talk to him. The more distance you give, the more he might withdraw and if that isn't what you want, then go talk to him. I will tell you that hardest thing to do is confront someone you love no matter if it is a break up or to say I am sorry to smoothing things over. Don't wait.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  September 30,2009, 5:02pm
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I am not a fan of “space.”

Anyone who gives me “space” gives me space to fit someone new into my life.

I would not send a letter. Write it, that’s fine, but do not send it – that’s a “game over” move. Writing may help you sort through your feelings, and compose your thoughts, though, so it’s not wasted effort.

I suggest you consider recomposing your thread, to include what you discovered, and how you discovered it. You’ll probably get better advice that way.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #6  September 30,2009, 5:39pm

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D_Lion wrote :
I suggest you consider recomposing your thread, to include what you discovered, and how you discovered it. You’ll probably get better advice that way.
I have to agree with this, The best advice is given when the full details are provided.

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alwayslost is offline alwayslost Post #7  September 30,2009, 5:43pm
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CaptCrunch23 wrote :
I have to agree with this, The best advice is given when the full details are provided.

.
I guess so- I found out he was going through a divorce with another woman and I found out by looking him up online. I basically did my own research/background check on him cuz I felt like he was hiding something from me. That was my intuition.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #8  September 30,2009, 5:59pm

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Well then, the plot thickens! So you never knew he had been married? If that is the case..To me that is big time shady!

I would not be apologizing to anyone who withholds vital information such as a pending divorce. Regardless of how you uncovered this information. I would not allow him to put this feeling of guilt back on you. He is the one that should have been honest and up front from the beginning. He dug his own hole here.

This would be a dealbreaker in my book.
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; September 30,2009 at 6:14pm.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  September 30,2009, 6:12pm
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Sounds to me like he should be the one apologizing to you for being deceptive and underhanded. He needs to be given space until he gets a divorce. I had a similar experience several years ago (I posted the Cliff's Note version in another thread.) I dated a man who forgot to mention his divorce was not final. I found out about this when the wife began stalking me and making ugly threats. Our relationship did not survive because of trust issues... how can you trust a person who deliberately deceives you? Plus a man in the middle of a divorce is not ready to be anyone's boyfriend. Without getting into the minutiae, the situation became an ugly one for many reasons. It also cost him a bundle to finally cut the strings, and when they were cut, he not only lost a wife but a girlfriend as well. It's now six years later and we talk periodically but it will never be the same because he violated my trust and placed me in danger. How dare he keep such a secret from you! I wouldn't call what you did snooping. I call it staying informed. Today I let anyone I'm getting serious with know I'll background check them and I invite them to background check me. The only men who balk are those who have something to hide. This man's ex could be a nut job. I speak from experience. Run! Who knows what else he's hiding. You have nothing to apologize for. He's upset because he got found out.
Last edited by Alli824; September 30,2009 at 6:16pm.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #10  September 30,2009, 6:37pm
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CaptCrunch23 wrote :
I would not be apologizing to anyone who withholds vital information such as a pending divorce. Regardless of how you uncovered this information. I would not allow him to put this feeling of guilt back on you. He is the one that should have been honest and up front from the beginning. He dug his own hole here.

This would be a dealbreaker in my book.
I know you aren't going to heed this, but the above is dead on.

Don't let him play this "you don't trust me" game ...the fact of the matter is, he isn't trustworthy ...regardless how, you found out. He isn't mad because you don't trust him, he's mad because he got caught.

Honestly, you need to give this guy all the space he wants ...outside of your front door.
 
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