Insulted? by Boyfriend's Friends! What to do?


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voteoften is offline voteoften Post #1  September 28,2009, 6:47pm
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I need advice on a reasonably urgent basis. My BF of one year has some long term friends (ie at least 11 years) who have done/said something that is a bit insulting, both to me and my BF. Just to make things simple, I will spell out the cast of characters, with fake names:

Lovey – BF of one year
Dick and Mavis – Lovey’s friends of at least 11 years standing (DM is short for Dick and Mavis)
Princess – my young daughter
DM’s Kids - Dick and Mavis’ children – there are two and they are about my daughters age.

About a month into dating Lovey, DM invited us onto their boat for lunch. There was another couple along who were separate long term friends with DM. Lunch was great, about 2 or 3 hours probably. Dick talked about a boat trip that they were taking. DM discussed with Lovey some aspects of a trip 11.5 months in the future. They were going to the other side of the country and hiring a sail boat and were going to sail for a week. DM and Lovey had all gone on at least one sailing holiday together, possibly the previous year. Dick was anxious to get the flights, etc all sorted out. Dick asked me about my sailing experience, which I do have a reasonable amount of both lessons and practical experience. At no point did I act interested in going along. I made no presumptions. We all chatted about lots of other things and everything was very convivial. We parted happily. I am not an obnoxious person. I tend to be well liked and I avoid controversy, etc with people I do not know. I am not, I believe, overbearing.

The next day Lovey told me Dick had called the previous night and said to him that he didn’t want Lovey to bring any strange women on the holiday, that Dick would be happy to pay Lovey’s portion, but no strange women.

Obviously Lovey probably should have kept this to himself, but he didn’t.

I was very insulted on so many levels. Am I “strange”? Did I act as if I was presuming that I could go along? No. Lovey said they liked me and that I had behaved in my usual, friendly, non-presumptuous manner that many people like. Lovey said something along the lines of once they did have someone on board that they didn’t really know and she was a pain, etc. I asked Lovey if this had been Lovey’s date and Lovey said no, it was someone else.

Lovey went on to say that Dick was a bit odd and very much a control freak. (Indeed, flashing forward ten months – DM had told a number of people that they were going and other people hired boats for the same time. They had some planning meeting and Lovey reported to me that Dick was going to disabuse these friends of DM’s of the notion that they were be rafting up, etc. Dick didn’t want any of his friends encroaching on his holiday in ways that might inconvenience Dick. Dick ended up chickening out and not speaking up to these other people who threatened to ruin his holiday)

So the comment about the strange woman was made about 11.5 months ago. Since then, I have been at Lovey’s house two or three times when DM and their kids were present. Each time very pleasant. I have also been at their house. They have apparently mentioned to Lovey when I was not present that we should all go out to eat etc.

Seven months ago, when DM and I were at Lovey’s house having dinner, I was talking about a trip I was taking the following month with my daughter, princess. Mavis asked if Lovey was coming and I said he didn’t know as he never plans things that far in advance. I acted matter of fact about it and she expressed surprise and dismay to Lovey that he hadn’t made firm plans to join us. (Lovey did end up flying out to join us for a few days, which was a surprise.)

On a subsequent dinner with Lovey and DM, Lovey was talking about visiting a circuit of friends in Europe. (Lovey hardly ever stays in hotels as he has friends everywhere.) Mavis chimed in that they would come along. I thought that this was presumptuous as maybe, as this was something Lovey was talking about planning, I might have something to say about it. Or not.

So, I feel insulted on a number of levels. These people are his friends, not mine, but Dick said I couldn’t go, before the subject was raised. I guess he was trying to nip things in the bud. I think he is the one who was presumptuous. Lovey hasn’t had the best track record in holding down a girlfriend. He is extremely intelligent and involved in a number of high level enterprises and I suspect he has a touch of Asberger’s syndrome. His IQ is off the charts and very practical (ie not romantic at all). For the first 9 months I wondered if he gave a damn about me most of the time. So the odds were that he would not be with me in 3 months, much less 11.5 months. So, why was Dick making this preemptive move?

Lovey’s inability to hold onto a GF is also a reason why he may not have said to Dick 11.5 months that he wasn’t going to be treated like a deckhand. Lovey also tends to just let insults roll off of him….. Believe me, I have given him some doozies and as with any high achiever trying to change the world, etc, he has a lot of detractors and insults hurled at him in a public manner, but he just takes it on the chin. So, it doesn’t surprise me too much that he didn’t pull Dick back into line at the time.

As I write they are on their holiday, along with four or five other boats. Everyone else will have their children and spouses with them, except for Lovey, who is paying for half of a boat with four other people on board, yet he is not allowed to even consider bringing someone with him.

We were at Lovey’s sports club a couple of weeks ago and Lovey was catching up with an acquaintance. Someone we see every week, but don’t always speak to at length. Lovey was filling this guy in on what he was up to and the holiday came up. The friend asked me if I was going. I said no. He asked if I was invited and I said no. It was embarrassing for all three of us. The thing is that as we catch up with people, especially over the holidays, he will mention his trip and whether I am with him at the timee or not, people will ask if I went and they will probably follow up with a “why not”. So, I told Lovey that I did not want to contradict him in front of others and what reason would he be giving for my absence. He said that he would say there was a scheduling conflict in our holidays.

I feel bad for me, but I don’t know why. These are his long term friends. In some ways I think he should have told him to shove it. But that is presumptuous of me to think. I feel bad for him, because he may realise that everyone else is allowed to have loved ones along, except him. The thing about him is that he believes in not causing problems or criticising.

I told him that time he can take me or me and princess, and that DM will not be aboard as I will not spend my holiday worried I am upsetting someone. He grunted affirmation. I didn’t push it because I don’t want to seem like a pain and a psycho.

I have decided that if these people invite me to their house again, I will not go. I may go to Lovey’s house if they are there, but not to their house.

Here’s the thing – if I keep dating Lovey I will see these people again at some stage and if they say it was too bad I didn’t come or that maybe next time or if they ask to tag along to one of Lovey’s holidays, I don’t know what to say. I am playing with the idea of saying I have a headache, or just telling them that there is no point in being disingenuous as I know I was banned.

I am hurt. There are risks though in getting a word in. What is the benefit and what is the potential cost. I am really angry too.

Apologies for the length. I just wanted to make the circumstances as clear as possible.

Any advice is welcome.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  September 29,2009, 12:13pm
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Here are some of my thoughts after reading your post. If he is a successful person who is running various businesses, then he also has the skills to manage people, unpleasant or confrontational situations, and he most definitely has the capacity to say "no" when it is necessary. He could not be successful without the above skills.

So, when his friends are being disrespectful to you.....I have to wonder why they feel like they can get away with it? The fact is that their attitude and lack of respect toward you actually stems from him and his attitude toward you - at least it's what he is portraying to his friends. If you and him were truly a strong, closely knit couple, his friends would not dream of stepping in between the two of you - they would get shot down for it on the spot.

So maybe you need to spend some time thinking about what are you getting out of this relationship and how good is it really? It sounds to me like you are walking on eggshells a lot and often around him and his friends. Perhaps it's time to take a good look at this and ask yourself if your needs are being met and if this relationship is actually worth it? Just food for thought - I'm not saying that any of the above is accurate since I don't personally know the people involved and so it's hard to judge.

By the way, if you do feel that your relationship is good and worth keeping, then becoming aggressive or unfriendly won't help you. Your best bet is actually to work on becoming accepted into the group so that you are not "the strange" woman in the future. If his friend honestly does have issues, then it will take some serious effort on your part to break through his barriers and be part of his "in" circle.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  September 29,2009, 12:19pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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voteoften wrote :
I need advice on a reasonably urgent basis. My BF of one year has some long term friends (ie at least 11 years) who have done/said something that is a bit insulting, both to me and my BF. Just to make things simple, I will spell out the cast of characters, with fake names:
fficeffice" />> >
Lovey – BF of one year
Dick and Mavis – Lovey’s friends of at least 11 years standing (DM is short for Dick and Mavis)
Princess – my young daughter...

Apologies for the length. I just wanted to make the circumstances as clear as possible.
And I apologize for not reading it all. You lost me at calling your daughter 'Princess'.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #4  September 29,2009, 12:21pm
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First of all, whatever weird tags that you're using that are being turned into those smiley-face characters, please stop. They apparently aren't working, and the extra random characters made your post harder to read.

But I read it. All of it. And really I can't see how you managed to interpret all that into a personal insult against you.
These people clearly didn't know you at all, and what they said had nothing to do with you personally. They wanted to do their own thing with a small select group of friends, and you were not yet well known enough to be part of that group. That's not an insult, that's just the reality of the situation at the time. So what? You're not going to make yourself part of that circle of friends by being thin-skinned and holding grudges for years at a time.

My advice to you is to take a lesson from your boyfriend, and learn to let such silliness roll off you. Continue to be pleasant and sociable, and the people worth being around will warm up to you. And if they don't, why would you care what they think anyway? Don't let someone else's pettiness make you petty.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #5  September 29,2009, 12:23pm
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DancingFool wrote :
.....
By the way, if you do feel that your relationship is good and worth keeping, then becoming aggressive or unfriendly won't help you. Your best bet is actually to work on becoming accepted into the group so that you are not "the strange" woman in the future. If his friend honestly does have issues, then it will take some serious effort on your part to break through his barriers and be part of his "in" circle.
This is worth repeating. ^^^^
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  September 29,2009, 12:34pm
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DancingFool wrote :
... If he is a successful person who is running various businesses, then he also has the skills to manage people, unpleasant or confrontational situations, and he most definitely has the capacity to say "no" when it is necessary. He could not be successful without the above skills.

...
Actually, if he has Asperger's Syndrome, he probably does NOT have the skills to manage people or unpleasant/confrontational situations. "Aspies" are very, very intelligent, but have poor social skills and do not pick up on most social skills that come easily to others.

I know, my son has Asperger's Syndrome.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  September 29,2009, 12:40pm
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You've been socializing with these folks for over a year now. Have you struck up any rapport with Mavis? Would you even want to go on a vacation with them (aside from Dick's rudeness about the trip just past)?

If you foresee you and Lovey being together for the long-term and additional trips are planned, you've been around long enough to be entitled to your own voice and express whether you'd like to go, regardless of Lovey's ability to stand up to his overbearing friend.

At this point, I would try to take the high road. If you're in a group of people that includes Dick and someone asks why you didn't go on the trip, you might turn to Dick and ask HIM why. Otherwise, I would not bring it up and behave as normal around him. Certainly do not bring up the "strange woman" comment. Dick will surely deny making it, and since it's now long in the past when he did make it you will come off oddly for bringing it up now. Just chalk it up to him not knowing you well at that time and let it go.
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #8  September 29,2009, 2:03pm
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voteoften wrote :
I told him that time he can take me or me and princess, and that DM will not be aboard as I will not spend my holiday worried I am upsetting someone.Parinoid psycho He grunted affirmation. I didn’t push it because I don’t want to seem like a pain and a psycho.
> >
I have decided that if these people invite me to their house again, I will not go. I may go to Lovey’s house if they are there, but not to their house. Absolutely childish response which will only give them fodder
.
DancingFool wrote :

If you did not catch it the first two times:
By the way, if you do feel that your relationship is good and worth keeping, then becoming aggressive or unfriendly won't help you. Your best bet is actually to work on becoming accepted into the group so that you are not "the strange" woman in the future. If his friend honestly does have issues, then it will take some serious effort on your part to break through his barriers and be part of his "in" circle.
kevin76 wrote :
First of all, whatever weird tags that you're using that are being turned into those smiley-face characters, please stop. They apparently aren't working, and the extra random characters made your post harder to read.
Double ditto
.
Wonderwoman402 wrote :
Actually, if he has Asperger's Syndrome, he probably does NOT have the skills to manage people or unpleasant/confrontational situations. "Aspies" are very, very intelligent, but have poor social skills and do not pick up on most social skills that come easily to others.

I know, my son has Asperger's Syndrome.
From a MENSA "aspie" who has plenty of experience dealing with "aspies" (including my gifted, potentially aspie (still trying to fully diagnose) daughter), that is pretty spot on.

Biggest advise: quit being so insulted... whether you react verbally or not, it can be seen like a blaring beacon. People generally do not gravitate towards annoyed / upset people... they like fun happy people and you will be treated accordingly.
 
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #9  September 29,2009, 2:49pm
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I personally would have the "they can pound sand" attitude, and that's my better advice. If you are over 21 and are letting them rule your life, then maybe you are a strange woman. If that's the case and they really bug you, then all I can say is...Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
 
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voteoften is offline voteoften Post #10  September 29,2009, 3:19pm
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Thanks for the responses.

Here is some additional information.

I didn't use any smileys in my post. If some were put in and then taken out, I have no control over that. I see one and I didn't put it there.

Most people, including Lovey's friends, think that we are a very solid couple and when they discuss us, they include us as a unit and speak in future terms, including years in advance. I don't encourge this as we have only been dating a year.

I am glad I posted this as everyone I have discussed this with on a personal basis think that it is pretty insulting that Dick just flat out told Lovey that he could not bring anyone when it was never suggested that I go and the trip was so far into the future. They are pretty outraged. I guess it just goes to show the benefit of the internet and anonymity. It also lets you guys bag me.

Dick needs Lovey aboard as Dick can not handle the boat on his own, but only on Dick's terms. I consider this to be an affront to Lovey and I think Lovey does as well, but Lovey isn't all that great about discussing feelings, positive or negative. Lovey was quite insulted by it when Dick said it and was considering not going.

There was a comment about me walking on eggshells around Lovey and I don't really think that is accurate. There are just a wide ranging group of things that Lovey just won't talk about, so I don't bother. I say my peace once and leave it.

In regards to being nasty or resentful around these people, this whole scenario doesn't enter my mind when I am with them. We all have a good time, or at least I do. I have only seen them about 5 times over the course of the year.

When the issue came up 11.5 months ago, Lovey and I discussed it. It has only been mentioned twice since. The first time I referred to it to him was after his acquaintance asked if I was invited - I later asked what reason he would be giving so that I would not contradict him. I really don't want that embarassment again. The other time was when I asked him if he would take me next time, without DM. He agreed and I left it at that.

Probably the reason this has come up is that he is on the holiday now and I am kicking myself for offering to lie about the reason I didn't go.

I welcome more comments. Thanks
 
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