Been married twice--a handicap?


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Seuss is offline Seuss Post #1  September 28,2009, 5:53am
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Hi all,

In scanning some threads here, I see that there seems to be a lot of weight placed on "baggage" and old relationships and that more often than not, the advice is, "RUN AWAY!" if someone is dating a person with a past. Don't we all have pasts?

Anyway, I've been married twice. Without going into details about the how and why (first one was just not right from the start--I married my best friend, not my soulmate, second one ended when my wife found treatment for a mental illness that made her feel better than she'd ever felt in her life and she wanted something other than what we had), I'm wondering if this makes me damaged goods? There's no animosity and any baggage I was carrying for either relationship has long ago been jettisoned, but does this make me sound like a relationship red light?

I'm not sure how to approach this subject with the lady I'm seeing now. It's early in our relationship, so I'm not going to force it, but the day will come when the cards will have to go on the table. I'm a 2-time loser in the marriage department, although neither instance was because of a major failing on my part (infidelity, mistreatment, etc.). One we just realized we didn't love each other the way a man and wife are supposed to, and in the second, there was a mental illness involved that was completely separate (and hidden) from me for years.

So how much do I lay down? How do I combat the "damaged goods" impression it might leave? I'm not damaged, I'm healthier than ever, in fact, but a track record like this is going to haunt me.

Thoughts?
 
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beaner is offline beaner Post #2  September 28,2009, 6:13am
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You're dating a woman who doesn't know that you've been married twice? I think that discussion should take place sooner rather than later. You'll learn a lot about her in the process I think. Anyone who concludes that someone who has been married twice is a loser based on that fact alone is foolish. Good luck!
 
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sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #3  September 28,2009, 6:23am
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Some people will judge you for having been divorced twice. Often those same people have been divorced once themselves AND maybe had live in committed relationship (or two) fail.

In sense its hard for people not to judge because you represent what they fear so they want to there to be this huge difference between you and them.

People will have these judgments. You cannot control what they think. Be honest about your past. You don't have to explain or defend your divorces. Everyone has a story and its rarely in their mind their own fault except in choosing the wrong person.
 
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sheerdetermination is offline sheerdetermination Post #4  September 28,2009, 6:54am
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You tell people how to perceive you. If you make something a red flag issue then they will too. If you bring all your baggage to the first date, there won’t be a second date. Dating is supposed to be fun. You are not going to marry everyone you date so it's best not to share everything right up front. When you do, you are basically just slandering your own name all over town. When someone starts falling in love and getting serious with you, then the baggage starts being discussed. You might even hold that card a while and somewhere down the road when she feels compelled to share some of her baggage, you can say “I understand” and share some of yours. It won’t seem like such an issue later on when a relationship is already established.
There will always be exceptions. There will always be that someone who slaps you in the face and tells you they never would have dated you had you told them that at the start.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #5  September 28,2009, 7:41am
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the way you've explained it here - as if things are wrapped up - i think says positive things. however, you are clearly a person for whom marriage is not a forever thing and who dates people for whom marriage is not a forever thing. i mean, for example, my parents might have divorced, but they would never have married again. shacked up, but not married. so your divorces do say where you are on what marriage is.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #6  September 28,2009, 7:41am
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No so much "damaged" as well proceesed goods. Look, turn the picture around. Say you met someone your own age who had never been married. Wouldn't you wonder about that too? Anyway, no one can accuse you of being commitment shy. Me. I'm kinda in a similar boat; two long term relationships (18 & 9 yrs). I recall being castised by a counsellor when I bemoaned having ruiend another fine relationship. It was pointed out to me I hadn't had none or 20 relationships. I was was comparatively stable in such regards. You are too. We're both great catches. And honestly, I've never senced my emotional history has been an issue. I've plenty of others. But that's another post.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #7  September 28,2009, 8:01am

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Is it a handicap? Only if you eat Green eggs and ham, mam!

No handicap at all you might say that you're an experienced pro. You certainly have defined taste as to what you like in a woman and what you don't like as well. Now it's a question of finding a personality that is synergistic with yours and finding a mature lady that's fun to hang with. No one really thinks of you or other divorced people as damaged goods, that all in your mind. lose it because it pulls you down it all in the past.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; September 28,2009 at 8:06am.
 
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singlemom21 is offline singlemom21 Post #8  September 28,2009, 11:51am
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Well I'm currently dating a man that has been married twice. You are not "damaged goods" so much as a victim of circumstances.Things happen, neither one was your fault and I'm sure she will understand that. My BF's situation was similar to yours one wife cheated, and the other wanted somethinge else. I love the man I am with and will eventually be wife #3. Does that bother me, sometimes. But I love the man and I'm with and that's all that counts.Good luck and I hope it works out.
 
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graceventually is offline graceventually Post #9  September 28,2009, 1:39pm
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You seem to have a good attitude about it, and I think that will help a great deal. But sadly, it will influence the way some people perceive you. Some years ago, I dated a man who had been twice-divorced (one wife had mental illness, and the other left him for another woman), and I had a friend drop me over it. She never even heard his story. I have decided, however, that this tells me more about her than about the gentleman in question. Even though I am now engaged to someone else (whose one ex-wife moved in with another woman....how do I find these?!) I have not chosen to actively renew a friendship with this lady. I didn't care for what I learned of her attitude.


You will undoubtedly find a few folk with similar views, but they will be the minority. All in all, I think a positive, open attitude about your life is your best ally in dating, and in getting past any concerns that friends or family of your future partner may have (if they do). Good luck!
Last edited by graceventually; September 28,2009 at 1:43pm.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  September 28,2009, 8:12pm
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Harvey7 wrote :
Is it a handicap? Only if you eat Green eggs and ham, mam!

No handicap at all you might say that you're an experienced pro. You certainly have defined taste as to what you like in a woman and what you don't like as well. Now it's a question of finding a personality that is synergistic with yours and finding a mature lady that's fun to hang with. No one really thinks of you or other divorced people as damaged goods, that all in your mind. lose it because it pulls you down it all in the past.

Harvey7.
*agrees with this post*
 
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