Fear of Intimacy. Anyone experience this?


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Aussiegirrl is offline Aussiegirrl Post #1  September 25,2009, 8:16pm
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I recently came out of a disasterous, short-lived relationship. Of course, I was left feeling very hurt and insecure.
As a result, I took myself off to see a counsellor. Normally, I rely on the kindness of my friends to help me though any personal dramas, but something seemed different this time. For one thing, I wasn't angry. Another thing is that I didn't hold out any hope at all, that I would be able to patch things up with the guy in question.

After several months in the hot-seat answering hundreds of questions, the counsellor told me that I was very fearful of intimacy and this is most probably why all my relationships had ended.

I'd really love to hear from anyone who has been given a similar diagnosis! I know this is quite personal, but it would be helpful if anyone has advice for overcoming this problem.
Last edited by Aussiegirrl; September 25,2009 at 8:28pm.
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #2  September 25,2009, 8:31pm
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I think it's time for you to take a walkabout and get in touch with yourself.

A lot of us who have been burned are fearful of intimacy. It's opening yourself up to possible new hurts, but without that intimacy we can never know true love and that is sad too. I have made so many mistakes over my life and one of them was fear of intimacy. It kept me from getting close to some very special women. I am over that now...thankfully. Don't let your life go by like this.
 
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Aussiegirrl is offline Aussiegirrl Post #3  September 25,2009, 8:39pm
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Avalon1k wrote :
I think it's time for you to take a walkabout and get in touch with yourself.

A lot of us who have been burned are fearful of intimacy. It's opening yourself up to possible new hurts, but without that intimacy we can never know true love and that is sad too. I have made so many mistakes over my life and one of them was fear of intimacy. It kept me from getting close to some very special women. I am over that now...thankfully. Don't let your life go by like this.
Thanks for replying! But how did you get over your fear of intimacy? Was it a simple process? Did it take years to accomplish?
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  September 26,2009, 8:04am
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AG,

The first thing you have to do accept who you are. Realize that you have this tendency.

The next time you are in a relationship, take a step back and analyze your actions. Are you doing something that is caused by your fear of intimacy?

The solution to your problem is probably two fold. First, you should continue with counseling! Second, you have to be your own critic! Part of you needs to stand outside yourself and say, "No, we're NOT doing this because we know that we are only doing it to try to wreck a good relationship."
 
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Aussiegirrl is offline Aussiegirrl Post #5  September 26,2009, 3:43pm
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DDjr wrote :
AG,

The first thing you have to do accept who you are. Realize that you have this tendency.

The next time you are in a relationship, take a step back and analyze your actions. Are you doing something that is caused by your fear of intimacy?

The solution to your problem is probably two fold. First, you should continue with counseling! Second, you have to be your own critic! Part of you needs to stand outside yourself and say, "No, we're NOT doing this because we know that we are only doing it to try to wreck a good relationship."
Thanks, yes, I am going back to counseling next week. It is very difficult to understand which of my actions are motivated by 'fear of intimacy' and which are motivated by other things. Mostly, I seem to be the one in a relationship pushing for more intimacy... but I guess what I call "intimacy" is not the accepted definition of what intimacy actually is. Anyone care to give me a definition of "intimacy"?
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  September 26,2009, 5:00pm
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I define intimacy as connecting on a mental level with the person you're with. Feeling comfortable being you, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable around your partner. In simple words, letting the wall down, and letting another person in.
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #7  September 27,2009, 2:32pm
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Aussiegirrl wrote :
Thanks for replying! But how did you get over your fear of intimacy? Was it a simple process? Did it take years to accomplish?
Our fears can be our biggest enemy. The problem in my case was I was not even aware of the intimacy issue for years. Being aware is a big step...now you can deal with the issue. It's tough to open up totally to another person and I think you have to feel that they will have some sort of unconditional love. Hey...none of us are perfect. I hope you can resolve this fear soon and my prayer for you is that you meet a man who can be intimate and share himself as well.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #8  September 27,2009, 3:00pm
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Aussiegirl, just like I think everyone has baggage but it is whether they deal with it or not, I think on some level, to some degree everyone has some fear of intimacy. If not why would all of us singles still be here? You did the best thing you could do, to seek out counseling. IMHO I think we get over that fear a snippet at a time when we start placing our trust in another and letting our vulnerabilities show. There is no magic formula to promise you won't be hurt again, but there is chance in everything in life.
 
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Aussiegirrl is offline Aussiegirrl Post #9  September 28,2009, 3:03pm
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landstar59 wrote :
Aussiegirl, just like I think everyone has baggage but it is whether they deal with it or not, I think on some level, to some degree everyone has some fear of intimacy. If not why would all of us singles still be here? You did the best thing you could do, to seek out counseling. IMHO I think we get over that fear a snippet at a time when we start placing our trust in another and letting our vulnerabilities show. There is no magic formula to promise you won't be hurt again, but there is chance in everything in life.
Thanks Landstar.
Yes, I think that trust is the biggest issue for me. In many ways, I feel I am open and interested in people, and yet I don't trust them, even when I like them and appriciate them!
The counselor asked me "Can you ever feel safe in a relationship?"
And I replied "No. Of course not. Your partner could leave you at any time for any reason. It may not even be your fault. You have absolutely no control over how someone else behaves." Honestly, I thought she was asking me a trick question!
But then she shattered me by saying that people were supposed to feel safe in their relationships! Really? I still can't quite get my head around this one.
 
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Aussiegirrl is offline Aussiegirrl Post #10  September 28,2009, 3:07pm
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Avalon1k wrote :
Our fears can be our biggest enemy. The problem in my case was I was not even aware of the intimacy issue for years. Being aware is a big step...now you can deal with the issue. It's tough to open up totally to another person and I think you have to feel that they will have some sort of unconditional love. Hey...none of us are perfect. I hope you can resolve this fear soon and my prayer for you is that you meet a man who can be intimate and share himself as well.
Thanks Avalon, yes, it is good to be aware of our fears, even though they are difficult to face up to!
Part of the problem seems to be that I am only attracted to other people who also have a fear of intimacy- because these are ultimately the ones I will feel "at home" with, simply because they operate the same way as I do, so I understand them.
If I meet someone who desires intimacy then I am not likely to be attracted to him. So I really have to work at turning myself around.
Last edited by Aussiegirrl; September 28,2009 at 3:13pm.
 
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