Shepherd3597 is offline Shepherd3597 Post #1  September 22,2009, 7:34pm
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Well,

We are madly in love. We live in the same town. She is willing to move if I move for my career. We have most things in common. But there are three things I am not sure what to do about. She seems insistent that if we have future kids that they are home schooled or privately schooled. Public school is out for her. And for her it seems to be a deal breaker. The other thing is home birth. I get the feeling that is the same thing. Finally while I am ordained and a very committed Christian she is charismatic and I think part of her really wishes I was too. I think these are important issues because they are important to her. She has two small kids and I am fine with her home schooling them if we get married but am not sure I want my kids home schooled. I would never forgive myself if she or our child died in a home birth. I guess what surprises me is she has said before she does not think she could ever leave me but with these issues she seems very black and white. Seems to me that we could at least try to work through them but I guess I am wondering if they sound like deal breakers or if the idea that she is inflexible should be a deal breaker for me?

It is hard because after 9 months together we just get along in so many other ways.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #2  September 22,2009, 9:14pm
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Love can work through these issues if you're both willing to either be flexible or accept the conditions of the other.

Some of the most intelligent people are home schooled or private schooled. Fact is that even those students that receive parent help in any school do better than those that do without. The important thing to realize about teaching is the ability to teach the subject matter and most people do better in some subjects than others. If she is qualified...then it's possible..but if not private school seems the other option she is open to. I've known a few parents that home schooled for elementary or even through middle school but put their kids in public or private school for high school.

Home birth can be reasonable for some women and others it would be impossible. Was she able to have her other kids that way and is she open to hospital or intervention in an emergency?

I really don't see that she is inflexible but rather these are issues that are important to her. If she was like this across the board on most issues....then that's another story. You said she was willing to move if you changed careers so that's showing flexibility.

Just talk through your thoughts with her and think about what you are open to. All couples disagree on some things so you either have to meet in the middle or one of you has to give up some ground sometimes.

Good luck!
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  September 22,2009, 9:30pm

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Her feeling are real and maybe based on some prior experiences that had turned out poorly for her or kids.

I also believe that there is nothing wrong with home birthing with a midwife and regular visits to the Doctors for check ups and he be involved in the delivery.

I also believe in a private school "non sectarian" education verses public school educations. Home schooling retards social development and getting along with other people is a large part of living and working well with others.

The situation calls for some premarital counseling to bridge the difference of understanding and misunderstanding by someone, who is totally objective. That is why counseling was invented to bridge the gap!

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; September 22,2009 at 9:34pm.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #4  September 22,2009, 9:44pm
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home schooling or home birth, i would be OK with, provided she's equipped to handle it. those things in combination with the charismatic thing - that gives me pause. that sounds like she's "holing up" and her charismatic christianity is... how she explains it. but i'd have to honestly ask which came first. i come from a closed-off tribe like that, and really, i don't think it's the best thing - not if you're having kids. i would get into the theology, and the medical science, of it, but this isn't the place.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  September 23,2009, 5:53am
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How you raise your kids is actually a very serious matter and an important one to agree on for the couple. I would suggest that you both talk about it and try not to argue because you already disagree, but rather try to understand the reasoning behind your respective wishes.

Only once you understand why each of you feels the way that you do, can you actually open a dialogue to reach some form of compromise. Or you may find that the differences cannot be bridged and it is all indeed a major dealbreaker.

Also, I'd like to point out to you OP, that since she already has children, it does matter how you raise them even if they are not yours. Imagine what's going to happen when you have your own kids - can you really have a situation where your step-children are home schooled while your children go to private school? When all the kids start questioning the different treatment how are you going to explain to them why some of them are being denied something? Can you see the can of worms here not to mention the potential psychological and emotional issues that will arise? Also there is the practical financial perspective - how many children can you realistically afford to send to private school given the high costs of such schools?

As others have already pointed out, home schooling has a lot of negatives, including social isolation and retardation. Social skills in a way are even more crucial in life than learning the laws of physics. What is her fear of public schools - is it general attitude that can be cured with information? For instance, in a community where I grew up, the public school had higher quality education than the private school. This is rare but it happens. Would this be applicable to the area you live in? Would this change the way she feels about the means of education for her children?

Just food for thought for you OP.
 
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Shepherd3597 is offline Shepherd3597 Post #6  September 23,2009, 10:18am
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She seems to think that public schools will corrupt her children. Seems to be a belief system thing. Not Christian enough. I liked public schools. I think they made me better able to adopt and not be so sheltered. I tend to be more of a what does not kill u will make u stronger. I don't really feel like it has to be one way or the other. I open to doing some of these things her way if that is what is needed. I think I just felt surprised when she was like I am not fleable on this and you have to be behind it for it to work. We are going to talk about it tonight.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #7  September 23,2009, 12:09pm
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I'd be more concerned about the rigidity and inflexibility.

Could she be saying these are "deal breakers" just to get her way? Controlling? Maybe you should try calling her bluff.

They are all very important issues--Educating your children, Worship/religious practices, Medical treatment---that will not go away. You will have to decide your position on them. I think you would be wise to press for some compromise or resolution before you move forward in the relationship.

I'm curious to know what her reaction would be if you were adamant that the birth NOT happen at home. Would she be willing to reach a compromise like using a birthing center? This would be YOUR child too. Your concerns and wishes are equally important as hers. They should be validated and honored too.

Same thing goes for schooling YOUR child. Would she really be willing to let your child attend private school or would she insist on home-schooling when the time comes? Private school seems like a fair compromise.

I think you have good reason to pause, take a step back and do some serious thinking about these things. Maybe they are deal breakers. If so, better to break the deal now then wait until more children are involved and end up with greater brokeness and suffering because children are involved.

At the least, it will be a good test in your ability to work through issues which you both feel strongly about and reach a compromise-- compromise being a solution where each party's needs are addressed and met, NOT one person being convinced by the other person to abandon his/her needs, wishes or desires.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  September 23,2009, 12:18pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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WYskywatcher wrote :
I'd be more concerned about the rigidity and inflexibility.

Could she be saying these are "deal breakers" just to get her way?
+1

I can understand things such as the education of one's children being very important....but for one parent to predetermine what form this will take (without even knowing what options will be available when the time comes) and say that these are 'dealbreakers' seems quite unreasonable and rigid.
 
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #9  September 23,2009, 3:15pm
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Personally, I'd walk away...for the same reason cows don't mate with horses. Sooner or later you'll be fighting over which college your kids are allowed to go to or who's football team you watch on TV....sorry...that's a fools paradise.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #10  September 23,2009, 4:13pm
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Her agreeing to follow you around the world is not worth the trade-off of her getting her way in everything else. Your fundamental beliefs don't mesh. Don't give those less important wonderful other things center stage.

If it is an ultimatum - which it sure sounds like - I'd tread very carefully before making a commitment of any kind. The attraction of opposing forces wanes quickly.
 
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