Is there a cure for resentment in a failing marriage?


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sadandconfused is offline sadandconfused Post #1  September 21,2009, 6:13pm
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My wife and I have been married for 4 years. For about the last 9 months we've been going through some serious times. She's left to live with her mother a few times. She hasn't worked since last January nor is she looking for work. She says she loves me but "doesn't feel that way about me anymore". The way she acts towards me are definitely signs of resentment. If you've followed any of my posts then you would know that I have never cheated on her other than with porn. She knows everything because I've confessed a few weeks ago. Anyways, even before this confession, she has shown signs of resentment during times when she's told me she trusted me and things like that.
So what I'm trying to get to is that I am wondering what steps can be taken to try and get rid of the resentment problem so maybe we can be the couple we used to be. At this stage she is not for any marriage counselling nor does she seem fond of any personal counselling for herself. Its almost like she doesn't want to get better because she loves feeling this way about me.
The real kicker here is that about 2 weeks ago she moved back in with me because she had a fight with her mother. She is only here as a boarder because she "doesn't feel that way about me". I can feel the resentment every single second I'm around her. She masks how she feels by pretending to be happy around me but you can see through her how much of a wreck she is. Because she won't go to counselling, I'm not sure what to do. I still love her to death and would love to repair our marriage but it needs to start with letting the past go for her to ever get any good feelings about me back. Something needs to happen very soon because I'm close to making her find somewhere else to live because I just can't live in so much negativity.

Is there a cure for resentment that can help our marriage in the state that its in or should I give up on it all? She needs help and we all see the problem in her. Logically we want to get rid of the problem as we used to have a very happy life. I want to fix my marriage but its never going to get better if she can't forgive me and everybody else in her life for the mistakes we've made.

Should I ask her to leave. I feel like I should but she has little money and I'm afraid she might do something stupid because of how she feels inside....like everyone in her life failed her and we are all the one's who made her life this way. She needs to accept responsibility for her own actions and control her feelings. I'm not sure if she can do that living with me....she can't do it living with her mother. She doesn't have any other friends or family to stay with. I'm lost.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #2  September 21,2009, 6:51pm
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Marriage counseling.
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #3  September 21,2009, 8:46pm
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She sounds like she has some serious depression issues. You see what you did is the same as cheating on her. There is no difference in her mind. She needs help....you need help. Work on your issues then come together and work it out in counseling. She will have to trust you again and that takes time. I will tell you this...if you still love her then fight for this relationship cause in the end it will be worth it.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #4  September 21,2009, 9:35pm
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What is it she resents?
 
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Trish64 is offline Trish64 Post #5  September 21,2009, 10:17pm
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Not really I did marrage counceling six times before I woke up and relized it would never change
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #6  September 21,2009, 11:04pm

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My Dear Sir, It's to little to late! For the want of a nail the horse was lost.
Your attempting to close the barn door after the horse ran away! Fin.
It's over, you are wasting your time and stop trying to cry on every one's shoulder, you destroyed her respect for you as a person and she despises herself for feeling that way. Move on and leave the poor women alone!

Harvey7.
 
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vivv_l is offline vivv_l Post #7  September 22,2009, 6:01am
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Firstly, how is porn counted as a form of cheating? Its perfectly normal and healthy, unless there is an unhealthy addiction to it that affects all aspects of daily life.
Secondly, what is the resentment she holds against you?
Find out, help her release it, and if at this point she is still unable to forgive you then give her space.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  September 22,2009, 6:22am
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wrote :
At this stage she is not for any marriage counselling nor does she seem fond of any personal counselling for herself.
There's really not much you can do if she's not willing to go to counseling, either for the sake of the marriage or for herself.
Do you have kids??

Sounds like she is very close to throwing in the towel at this point.
You might want to consider talking to a lawyer.
Good luck.
 
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mT_TechGrl is offline mT_TechGrl Post #9  September 22,2009, 6:53am
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vivv_l wrote :
Firstly, how is porn counted as a form of cheating? Its perfectly normal and healthy, unless there is an unhealthy addiction to it that affects all aspects of daily life.
Secondly, what is the resentment she holds against you?
Find out, help her release it, and if at this point she is still unable to forgive you then give her space.
This is pretty much on target. Also, As Thinker stated below, you do not and cannot control the situation or force counseling. You can however, take action on your own. Seeking therapy to maybe understand why this all happened in the first place and work from there for the relationship or any future relationship. Leadership by example!

If you re-read your post, you have been focusing on her and her role versus being objective and tackling your role - which is pretty much all you can control at this time. Taking steps to review what has happened in a positive way and definitely avoid any negativity. Hope this helps.
 
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Tough Truth is offline Tough Truth Post #10  September 22,2009, 6:56am
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sadandconfused wrote :
She hasn't worked since last January nor is she looking for work. She says she loves me but "doesn't feel that way about me anymore". The way she acts towards me are definitely signs of resentment.
I second the diagnoses of "Depression." But it is much more than that. The behavior pattern is also what is seen out of someone that instead of having the strengh to end the relationship themselves, needs you to do it. This would be due to all the guilt developed from you "needing" her so much that you are not letting her go when she needs you to let her go.

wrote :
Anyways, even before this confession, she has shown signs of resentment during times when she's told me she trusted me and things like that.
See the above. Stop being trapped by your own ideas that the resentment has to be from you doing anything wrong. The resentment could simply be you being who you are. Have you considered that inspite of how you've always felt about her that the two of you should have never married in the first place? People have extremely bad habits of hoping or believing the other person will "change" and very often get married for all the wrong reasons while intentionally thinking the "change" will make things work.

wrote :
So what I'm trying to get to is that I am wondering what steps can be taken to try and get rid of the resentment problem so maybe we can be the couple we used to be. At this stage she is not for any marriage counselling nor does she seem fond of any personal counselling for herself. Its almost like she doesn't want to get better because she loves feeling this way about me.
Wow! Who says "she" is sick or that "getting better" is going to make things like they "used to be?" Has it yet crossed your mind that "things" never were like you thought they were?

Once you face the "resentment problem" has only one step to cure it, and that step is letting her go, it will be cured.

wrote :
The real kicker here is that about 2 weeks ago she moved back in with me because she had a fight with her mother.
Well of course she did. You're an enabler that was willing to take advantage of her emotional instability due to your own desperation.

wrote :
I'm not sure what to do. I still love her to death and would love to repair our marriage but it needs to start with letting the past go for her to ever get any good feelings about me back. Something needs to happen very soon because I'm close to making her find somewhere else to live because I just can't live in so much negativity.
Gosh, look at that! You already know what you have to do. However, there is a vast lacking in your own thought processes on this. You're the one that needs counseling as you can only control your own behavior and actions, not hers. You need help letting go of someone that wants to go, but your own emotions are causing the other person guilt, and you are enabliing them in being weak. Hence, she resents you. Let her go, deal with your own problems, you can't help her. Until she helps herself, the two of you are toxic for each other.

wrote :
Is there a cure for resentment that can help our marriage in the state that its in or should I give up on it all? She needs help and we all see the problem in her. Logically we want to get rid of the problem as we used to have a very happy life. I want to fix my marriage but its never going to get better if she can't forgive me and everybody else in her life for the mistakes we've made.

Should I ask her to leave. I feel like I should but she has little money and I'm afraid she might do something stupid because of how she feels inside....like everyone in her life failed her and we are all the one's who made her life this way. She needs to accept responsibility for her own actions and control her feelings. I'm not sure if she can do that living with me....she can't do it living with her mother. She doesn't have any other friends or family to stay with. I'm lost.
99% analyzing her, 1% considering how you yourself feel. The fact she now has no friends, after four years of marriage, is a giant warning sign to any male that wants to be happy himself. Did she have hardly any friends at all when you met her? If not, that should have been a first huge warning sign, if she did why did she let them go and not work at her friendships?

Stop feeling sorry for her. Try loving yourself. You need out of this relationship perhaps more than she does. Stop making her your responsibility. Send her back home to mom. Get counseling yourself immediately, not to repair your marriage, but to repair YOU!
 
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