Is there a cure for resentment in a failing marriage?


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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #61  October 7,2009, 10:58am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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Some people find it easier to avoid resentment by being separated for 5 years or more but if you find this too delusional then take heart.

She is depressed. It really doesn't matter what caused it, you're both stuck till it can be fixed. She can't hold down a job and has poor relationships with her family and apparently no friends to turn to.

She needs professional help and quite possibly medication. Are there enough of you still, sort of, close enough to her to force her make an appointment with her doctor?

I don't think you need relationship advice at the moment. She doesn't sound well enough to deal with a relationship crisis at this point in her life.

Living with a depressed partner can be a living hell.
I wish you lots of luck.
 
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mrspro is offline mrspro Post #62  October 19,2009, 11:47am
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YES. There is a cure. It is FORGIVENESS!! Both of you need to open the Good Book (Bible) and read any of its thousands of verses on forgiveness. I would start with the Lords Prayer in Matthew 6: 9-13 Try and show your wife the two verses just after Matt. 6:13 That is some food for thought for 'grudge bearers'.
(And by the way, by viewing Porn you DID cheat on her - that's one of the many slick, evil, sneaky methods by which the devil gets in and destroys perfectly viable marriages...he knows our weak points)
P.S. I have been married for 32 years, so I guess you could say my spouse and I have some experience in forgiveness!
 
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mrspro is offline mrspro Post #63  October 19,2009, 12:05pm
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vivv_l wrote :
Firstly, how is porn counted as a form of cheating? Its perfectly normal and healthy, unless there is an unhealthy addiction to it that affects all aspects of daily life.
Secondly, what is the resentment she holds against you?
Find out, help her release it, and if at this point she is still unable to forgive you then give her space.
~~~~
vivv_ YES. Porn viewing IS cheating in 'thought' which can eventually - and easily- lead to deed. If you do the research you will find nearly ALL serial killers, kidnappers, stalkers, and the most heinous; pedophiles were/are regular viewers of pornography. It is NOT normal and certainly NOT healthy. It is terribly addicting, particularly to men, but also some women. ANY addiction is damaging to a relationship or marriage (think drugs, alcohol, gambling) Your viewpoint is fatally naive.
 
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mrspro is offline mrspro Post #64  October 19,2009, 12:20pm
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TroyW wrote :
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

Friends7 = FREAK,

Please go back to church and thump that bible somewhere else, people like you are the reason I don't go to church anymore.fficeffice" />

First of all with only 4 years of marriage alimony wont even be on the table.

Second, if his wife had cared about his needs sexually he probably would not have had to resort to porn in the first place.

Third, a part of being an adult instead of a child is having a JOB, only selfish, childish narcissistic people expect others to support them without putting any effort into supporting themselves.

Fourth, If porn is adultery then you better turn off your TV, Radio, Computer, quit going to art museums, because someone's art is some one else's porn, and by your definition anyone that has ears and eyes are adulterers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are soooo wrong! Porn viewing is adultery in 'thought' Porn is a pox upon our modern world. It is addicting and has NO place in a marriage or relationship. I am part of a long marriage that started in 1973. You do the math. Porn has never been, nor will it ever be between us. Successful relationships contain a great deal of praise and adoration of each other. How are young married men going to do that with their faces glued to porn?? And to this day, my love and I still view each other's bodies, hair, eyes, skin, ideas, minds,etc. with love, lust, and lots of invested time.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #65  October 19,2009, 2:55pm
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Well it will be very hard to do, but you would have to just listen to her and let her vent all her feelings basically without denying or arguing with any of it and you would have to be able to then validate her feelings without taking it too personally that those feelings were likely caused by something she feels you did.

Most people cannot do this on their own. They need the help of a counselor.

There's a book called How to Get Your Lover Back which talks about this subject in depth. The title is kind of unfortunate but it's really just a book about how to love someone and I recommend it for your situation.

Good luck.
 
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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #66  November 9,2009, 1:55pm
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wrote :
What is it she resents?
Right! You must address the ROOT of the resentment, take it head-on, openly and be willing to make changes - both of you.

Underneath the resentment is something that she feels is unfair, inconsiderate, unfair, or something like that.

You need to get it out in an open conversation and be willing to do something about it.

Simple example: sometimes a spouse no longer takes care of themselves, stop taking his wife on dates, etc - it becomes boring and unromantic.

Tend your love like its a fire - you need to tend it, and feed with fuel like nice dry wood - so she needs attention, and a husband who takes care of himself! Now you need to build a new one with HER, your wife!!!
 
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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #67  November 9,2009, 1:58pm
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I agree - a good counselor could really help with helping to keep this honest talk on-track. Many churches have a counselor on staff - or find a marriage counselor who has a good reputation!
 
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AsianGal is offline AsianGal Post #68  November 10,2009, 5:28pm
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likiliki wrote :
My marriage ended in pretty much the same way. My wife did about the same actions... After 4 years of trying to console her.. I knew that it would drive me into depression... at that point we had been married for 44 years. She had left the marriage bed and had no place to go. I still loved her, but moved out. I made sure she had all she needed, because she never had a job. I kept financial care of her and saw her regulary. She passed away after 6 more years had passed. I had been a faithful and loving husband ... I still do not know what was wrong. When she was dying she told me she still loved me, but no longer liked me. She asked to be interred in the same spot as me.

All of the above happened because she had a brain tumor that affected her personality.

can you change her? will anything help help?? am I to blame???
The answer to all of these is NO.
Did you ask her mother why she sent her back to you???
If you still love her find a way to take care of her... and yourself also.
Real life is hard
Lee K
That is terrible to read.
I'm sorry it happened.

Being married for 44 years must really have taken alot of love, effort, compromise and sacrifice for the two of you.
Most of all, I am very envious and heartened to hear that you still took care of her although you moved out. (though I wonder why)


To others:

When a woman trusts a man she places so much trust in him his every word is truth to her. Many times, she even denies herself her own thoughts and doubts to cling to his word as truth as it is his word as a man and as her partner.
Once this has been broken she is hurt beyond belief and it really is a very painful experience which is very hard for her to get over since its like a person realising there is no God when he is abandoned (example).
They become lost, heartbroken, betrayed and wretched.

To Op:

Think about what you have done.
Pornography even from a non-religious point of view is questionable because you are fantasizing about other women in your own marriage bed.
Would you like to know that you do not sexually excite your wife and she needed to have pictures and videos of young, virile and very well-endowed men who are far more good-looking, younger and efficient in the sack than yourself before she could have sex with you?
That you knew in her mind she is picturing Joe, John, Jake having sex with her and touching her instead of you?

To many women this is very heart breaking and to others even, a betrayal because most women like this do not even cheat in their minds.
It hurts them and also damages their self esteem that you have sex with other women in your mind and perhaps you had been viewing some very hardcore/objectionable porn which even normal people might find disgusting?
You have to ask yourself if you really love your wife why do you keep saying she is a problem - her feelings are a problem?
Try to sit down and reflect one day quietly if you have been unfair to her.

She might be a traditional woman who expects to be the homemaker while you are the breadwinner?
Have you actually sat down and worked the roles out in marriage with her or just kept expecting her to work and find work?
Is she qualified to work? Does she even want to work?
You have to ask yourself that.

Talk to her realistically and gently and set down the basic foundations of your marriage.

4 years is not a long time at all.
I've been with my partner over 8 years and we're still going strong.
We have already worked out that I want to work before having children and then settle down to raise kids as a homemaker working part time perhaps 2 days a week as we believe children need their parents, while he will try to tone down his work to spend more time with family.
We are willing to live within a budget no problem to spend time with kids.

My partner even tells me I don't even have to work as it is his duty to care for me. I care for him by making sure all his needs are met and that I create a loving home for him whenever I'm not working.

We agree that so-and-so is out of boundaries and so-and-so we will run by one another or if we are uncomfortable with it.

Ask yourself, have you agreed and settled to roles and rules of marriage?
If you really want to work things out with your wife, you should both sit down and agree that you make a proper effort to stop doing what you both agree not to do or is out of boundaries, and she doesn't keep living in the past.
 
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princessbevas is offline princessbevas Post #69  November 10,2009, 6:33pm
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wow...Sounds like you just told the story of my marriage, except that I experienced some resentment myself, but I was always the one who was willing and is still going to counseling, while he lives this care free life. It seems you're wife might not be interested in making your marriage work, and if that is the case, she needs to have a serious conversation with you, so you can know where to go from there. It seems you still love her and want things to work out, but maybe it's time to let go and give her all the space she needs. i don't want to tell you to wait for her to come around, because no one knows how long that could take. But at he same time, you can't save a marriage that does not want to be saved. Maybe she has her own personal stuff that she is not sharing with you, but you can't be responsible for her actions.
 
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princessbevas is offline princessbevas Post #70  November 10,2009, 6:40pm
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I'm actually still in counseling, by myself at this point, and even when we went together nothing was different....I've realized that he will not change and I've decided to leave him...only, he doesn't know it yet, but I'm working on the plan to leave because I've tried everything else.
 
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