1sttimer is offline 1sttimer Post #1  September 18,2009, 9:12am
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UPDATED ON 9/18/09

Need perspective again-below is the history of my past post. Over the last month, I have been patient-to the point that I have become hurt by all of this. I just can't go on auto pilot after being with someone for six months anymore. So I started the "conversation" where are your feelings at now and actually told him my perspective of what I thought was going on with him in this relationship- to how he is now vs. when we were first together. Things I see in him of how he disconnects and consumes himself in work to aviod his feelings, etc. how he is pulling away from me like he told me he did with his wife when things got rocky. Let me add this. I am a therapist and do this for a living and I finally could not keep this inside anymore. He in return told me that he is not good at intraspection that I want I said he needs to think alot about-that I maybe right. That over the last couple months to deal with what he is going through he is only living day to day and the most he looks ahead to is the weekend we spend together which is a big change for him. He has not recently looked at anything long term. He told me we are not clicking recently and initally he thought it was me, but since I pointed out several things to him it hit home and he is seeing this maybe all about him. And we made the decision to talk on Saturday afternoon after he had time to think. I think he was welling up on the phone but I am not sure and he then said he did not know if he was the man for me since I may want more than he can give right now but that he loved me.

I made the choice to give this sometime-I know a month is not alot but this relationship defocused me-which I let happen. I really do not know what to do-stay in it, give it up, wait. I really do love him and he has many great qualities but things have changed over the last two months and has become very distant and consumed in his work. We do spend the weekends together and enjoy each others company but during this time-he is just different and I see it and it hurts to see that things have changed. Any advice here? This is really causing me alot of hurt being in limbo.

Old post: I am a new one to the boards only found this site yesterday and I think it is great. I need some feedback. I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 5 months and we are both 40 and spend the weekends together. The first three and a half months were great, he asked to be exclusive after a month, said he was falling in love two months into the relationship and has always been very attentive until a month ago. I noticed he became distant (not as affectionate and lost himself in his work). He still called on a daily basis and we spent the weekends togetjer but not the same. Well, over the weekend, I asked him what was going on and he said he has been depressed and somedays does not want to get out of bed because he is thinking about his divorce that was just final and moving from the marrital home four months ago (he lived there alone for three years). I was upset as this came out of no where. From the beginning he told me he was over things and he had been separated for three years and I was the first person he dated.

Last night, I was over at this place and began a conversation again as this is consuming my thoughts. He said that at this time he can not give me any assurances about us any more but that he did love me. He said the feelings that he is experiencing are new and he does not exactly know how to deal with them. He said he did not want us to stop seeing each other and he never even thought that us not spending time together was an option-as I put on the table us taking time apart so he could figure out what he was feeling. He said this new feeling is overwhelming him and that the feelings of love that he used to experience all the time with us has taken a back seat to this. I recommended he attend counseling and he said if it continues for a month or two he will consider it.

I did not sleep much last night and just have this horrible feeling that I can not shack. What is your opinion? Do I wait this out? If I end things, it will hurt, but I do not want to jump the gun on this and end it to soon.

UPDATED ON 9/18/09

Need perspective again-here is the history of my posts. Over the last month, I have been patient-to the point that I have become hurt by all of this. I just can't go on auto pilot after being with someone for six months anymore. So I started the "conversation" where are your feelings at now and actually told him my perspective of what I thought was going on with him in this relationship- to how he is now vs. when we were first together. Things I see in him of how he disconnects and consumes himself in work to aviod his feelings, etc. how he is pulling away from me like he told me he did with his wife when things got rocky. Let me add this. I am a therapist and do this for a living and I finally could keep this in anymore. He in return told me that he is not good at intraspection that I want I said he needs to think alot about-that I maybe right. That over the last couple months to deal with what he is going through he is only living day to day and the most he looks ahead to is the weekend we spend together which is a big change for him. He told me we are not clicking recently and initally he thought it was me, but since I pointed out several things to him it hit home and he is seeing this maybe all about him. And we made the decision to talk on Saturday afternoon after he had time to think. I think he was welling up on the phone but I am not sure and he then said he did not know if he was the man for me since I may want more than he can give right now but that he loved me.

I made the choice to give this sometime-I know a month is not alot but this relationship defocused me-which I let happen. I really do not know what to do-stay in it, give it up, wait. I really do love him and he has many great qualities but has changed over the last two months and has become very distant and consumed in this work. We do spend the weekends together and enjoy each others company but during this time-he is just different and I see it and it hurts to see that things have changed. Any advice here?
Last edited by 1sttimer; September 18th, 2009 at 08:43 am.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  September 18,2009, 12:00pm

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Dear First Timer,
I read and re-read your post several times, needless to say you've lost your objectivity and are acting very obsessive and compulsive and could use some therapy yourself to find out why, with your eyes wide opened that you allowed yourself to fall for this man?

If you had declined his offer on exclusivity you would not have had this problem. He no longer has to compete for your love and affection, he has it and you on a string like the Frank Sinatra song, I've got the world on a string! (Buy the CD.)

You have become his wife! I will give you a unique solution, if you really want one? Call his (ex-) wife and invite her out to lunch or to join you for dinner /drinks your treat. It should be interesting to meet your emotional mirror image or double ganger. It should help to fill in the missing components of the relationship and his history is a predictor of the future as well because we do repeat ourselves. Now ask yourself, if you have a better solution? Why do you want a man who can't return your love?

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; September 18,2009 at 12:03pm.
 
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Ms666 is offline Ms666 Post #3  September 18,2009, 12:20pm
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Apparently becoming a professional therapist does not require learning to write in a clear and concise manner.
 
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beentherehavetee is offline beentherehavetee Post #4  September 18,2009, 12:21pm
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You are wearing this guy down, really! You've been dating only 6 months and all this need to talk and to be introspective yada yada yada.....reading your postalone made me tired
.
He is admitting to you that he does not want an exclusive relationship. He is giving you a way out by saying basically that it's him not you. He can't meet your needs.

You seem to be pressing this guy for too much too soon. It's only been 6 months! Augghhhh.

I'd be interested to know how your talk goes on Saturday though. Careful... you need to keep the relationship light or you will certainly lose this guy!
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #5  September 18,2009, 5:31pm
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wrote :
Apparently becoming a professional therapist does not require learning to write in a clear and concise manner.
My thoughts exactly. I'd eat my hat if that was written by a credentialed therapist. Could you make it through a minimum masters in psych without knowing the word is introspective?

I don't see this one working out. He's not over his ex.
 
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SoNotRight is offline SoNotRight Post #6  September 18,2009, 6:19pm
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You got some harsh criticism, but I got what you were trying to express and I have to tell you that he isn't likely to change. He's got issues that he's not able or willing to overcome and he's telling you that he can't give you what you need. I've been there...it won't get any better so you might as well take some space and let this go. If a man really loves you then he shouldn't make such drama over it all..he'd just do it and be there. So, he's just not feeling it the same way you are...sorry, but like I said, I was in your shoes recently and it hurts...hurts badly, but it won't get better, OK?
 
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