sandlocks83 is offline sandlocks83 Post #1  September 15,2009, 8:19pm
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Hey everyone,

I need a little guidance on this issue. I would like to stay friends with an old flame (we broke up about a month and a bit ago), but don't know how to. I have never stayed friends with any of my exes but this one is a bit different. It was a mutual break-up because of bad timing. Both of us were hurt even though we really tried to minimize the pain - it hurts either way. We agreed on staying friends, but as I have mentioned before, I have never done this. I usually heal and move on - rarely do I talk with any of my exes. I've learned to heal and shut doors on old flames (no second chance or chance of reconciliation). However, I would like to preserve this friendship, but I'm so inexperienced that I'm scared I might automatically shut the door. It has literally become an automatic reaction to any of the break ups.

Has anyone ever stayed friends with an old flame and if yes, how did you go about in doing this? How long did you wait before you were able to build a proper friendship? I know it's different for everyone, but approximately. I know I will have a lot of trouble with this and I know many of you will say that it is better to move on - I know the drill. But this is different and in all honesty, I don't want to destroy everything we built (and neither does he).

Any advice on this matter would be appreciated. Thanks.
 
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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  September 16,2009, 9:19am
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Hi Sandlocks and welcome to eHarmony Advice!

I am friends or friendly with almost all of my ex's (with the exception of one who treated me poorly and whose friendship I did not want after we broke up).

I don't remember needing to try hard or think about it, it came naturally to me. As I see it - and I'm sure there are many who will disagree with me - when you love someone, unless things went very badly, love doesn't go away, it just changes.

My 2 cents is if you are afraid you'll put up walls between you, talk to him and let him know that this is new territory for you and if he feels you pushing him away, it's not intentional. On your end, if you see yourself slipping into your own patterns of shutting down - stop, realize what you are doing and stop doing it, either by just stopping or perhaps by reaching out to him instead.

One thing I will say is that if this friendship keeps either of you from moving on with other romantic interests, it might be best to get some distance from each other.

Hope this helps, just my 2cents.

You might also find this thread helpful:
http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...x-authors.html (Expert Q & A with "Everything you always wanted to know about ex" authors!)
 
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Bootsky is offline Bootsky Post #3  September 16,2009, 9:32am
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I am friends with one ex in particular because he seeked me out. I did need to wait a good year and a half before I was able to talk to him and not be jealous of his new conquests or girlfriends. You have to remember that being friends with an ex means hearing about his new girlfriends/people he is seeing and that might be hurtful to you. Especially if you just broke up because of bad timing. I do not see a problem with being friends with an ex, but I do think that for me personally, I have to have time to separate the love I had for them with the person I care about as a friend. Good luck in whatever decision you make, I would just tread carefully so you don't get your feelings hurt.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  September 16,2009, 9:53pm

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The easiest way is to invite him to join you for lunch at a public place on a weekend or a Mall or Flea Market. The 2nd. is what hobby's do you share? Maybe go to a sporting event or a play, bike riding or or skating,Tennis, hiking, Golf, or brunch with the Sunday Times? A non pressure situation except be careful what you wish for your liable to get it.

Harvey7.
 
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targetgirl43 is offline targetgirl43 Post #5  September 16,2009, 10:32pm

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I agree with my friend Harvey7 here...keep it light but also be cautious.
I am a little further along in a similar situation. I agree with Admin Lori-your love does not go away but it changes.

I recently met up with my ex and it had been 5months. It was a nice quick lunch; just to catch up on family, friends, jobs. No talk of other relationships. I know that would be hard.
I don't think there is a timeframe-just what feels right to you.
There has to be a clean break though, you need to have time to have moved on with your life and have new things to share.
Also not only did I think about how I will react to hearing about a new person in his life, I had to think about what will his new girlfriend think about him staying in touch with an ex. That's always a hard situation.
 
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Valtyr is offline Valtyr Post #6  September 17,2009, 1:21am
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Yes indeed, I am currently friends with my last girl friend of three years. We still talk when we have time. We are both in college so we are busy a lot. We broke up a few months ago. We have been talking all the while since then and hang out when there is time. As for staying friends with an ex there really is no procedure to going about it. Use common sense, and move at a pace that makes you, and your friend comfortable that is it. As for the moving on part, I always thought it somewhat strange that people would shut out a person they profess to be in love with. I always thought of it as a somewhat childish way to protect ones self. So you are taking a step in a positive direction by remain friends.
 
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sandlocks83 is offline sandlocks83 Post #7  September 17,2009, 4:05pm
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Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate them a lot.

When the talk of friendship was coined, it felt natural because there were no hard feelings on either end. I feel like we both care deeply towards one another but the fact that we're both inexperienced in this made me shiver (he hasn't stayed friends with any of his exes either and he never does).

So, I took your advice and we have agreed to let some time pass before we take the step towards building a proper friendship. In all honesty, I believe that it would have been better if we built that first before being in a relationship - would have helped us a lot and the timing therefore might not have been a factor so much.

It's a very hard situation (at least for me). However, I believe I have made the right choice in leaving this door open instead of shut. The only big problem is the fact that neither he nor me can see each other as friends but as something more than that. That's what makes the whole situation difficult.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #8  September 17,2009, 6:37pm
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sandlocks83 wrote :
Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate them a lot.

When the talk of friendship was coined, it felt natural because there were no hard feelings on either end. I feel like we both care deeply towards one another but the fact that we're both inexperienced in this made me shiver (he hasn't stayed friends with any of his exes either and he never does).

So, I took your advice and we have agreed to let some time pass before we take the step towards building a proper friendship. In all honesty, I believe that it would have been better if we built that first before being in a relationship - would have helped us a lot and the timing therefore might not have been a factor so much.

It's a very hard situation (at least for me). However, I believe I have made the right choice in leaving this door open instead of shut. The only big problem is the fact that neither he nor me can see each other as friends but as something more than that. That's what makes the whole situation difficult.
It sounds like you've made a wise decision in putting off this step for now. The highlighted part indicates that neither of you are ready for a 'friends only' relationship.

I have remained friends with a particular ex. We talk about lots of things now, but it took some time before either of us was ready for that. We were actually both in other relationships before we really talked again. My heart is breaking right now over him because he's moving several states away in 2 weeks. But the important thing in this is that we were not able to immediately share things.

Give yourself some time and reassess at a later date when you've both moved on. Good luck!
 
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