Lindseee is offline Lindseee Post #1  September 13,2009, 4:49pm
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So I posted a topic a few months ago and since the replies and advice I received REALLY helped me out (thanks!), I figured I'd pose a new question. My old post is here: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...wont-he-2.html (Why won't he...)

The nutshell version is that I had a medical condition which required brain surgeries and steroids which made me gain weight. I felt that he wasn't attracted to me anymore because of the lack of a physical side to our relationship.

I'm remaining healthy and have continued to lose the excess weight and am only 10 pounds away from where I used to be. I'm also MUCH more comfortable and confident with myself. While he's more affectionate now, there is still no move toward anything more physical outside of snuggling up together and little kisses here and there.

I voiced my concerns and told him that I feel like he isn't attracted to me because of the weight. We talked about how I felt, he assured me that he thinks I'm beautiful, and was actually brought to tears over the thought that he was hurting me in any way. His explanation for his behavior though, is what is perplexing.

He acknowledged that he's been a little "weird" about the physical thing, and explained that he has somewhat of a past. I had a pretty good idea of what he was like before we were together, so this came as no surprise. He said that all of his previous relationships were purely physical, and there was no emotional connection at all, which is how he wanted it.

He went on to say that our relationship is the polar opposite of what he's used to. He doesn't view me like the others, he holds me in higher regard, I'm not just a physical conquest, and I mean more to him than I could ever imagine. I believe him completely. I know he loves me, I can almost feel the emotion coming out of him sometimes. I just don't get the disconnect between the emotional side of things and the physical side. He didn't know how to explain it either.

For instance, the morning after we had this big discussion, he told me how all he wanted to do the night before was pull me close to him, hold me, and kiss me like I've never been kissed before. I then said, "why didn't you?" and his response was, "I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me."

What's going on here? I've tried initiating things and he just freezes, which leaves me feeling awkward and confused, so I've pretty much given up on that. On the other hand, the way he looks at me sometimes is so intense it sends shivers up my spine, but he won't act on it.

For some background, he's in his early 30's, very successful at his job, is extremely close with his family and has a great circle of friends. Up until he met me, he was very happy living the bachelor lifestyle. Let's just say he had quite the little black book, and girls were never scarce.

I've heard from his friends and family that I'm the first girl he's ever called his "girlfriend", and they say the way he treats me as compared to the one or two other women he ever brought around them is completely different--in a very good way.

I've met everyone of any importance in his life, and they always tell the same story. He's gone from being the rockstar life-of-the-party to the guy who would rather spend the weekend with me, shopping for shower curtains and bedding (he's letting me redecorate his place), and then curling up together with a bottle of wine and a DVD.

He promised me he was going to sort through his issues, and readily admitted that he knows he has work to do, but said that we are worth it, and he is willing to do whatever it takes.

So, my questions are: What can I do to help him? Does this make any sense? Or does this really have more to do with me than he'll admit? Outside of this problem, we are extremely happy and compatible, I just don't know if I should try to press the issue, or let him do it on his own. I fully intend to stand by him as he stood by me through my problems, but I am unsure of where to go from here.

Thank you all in advance for any insight you might have!
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  September 14,2009, 10:31am
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He won't be intimate because he loves you too much? ...that's new =) ...but maybe not too far off the mark.

One idea is, he's scared of you, literally. More specifically, and especially if this all started happening after your surgeries, he's scared of 'hurting' you (not emotionally, but physcially) ...it's like how you pick up a wounded bird with a broken wing - very carefully. Subconciously, that might be the kind of thing he's going through. How would you react if you thought that giving someone the big-O might kill them? ...I mean, it's funny, but probably not too far off base.

I've heard of this happening with couples where the wife has gone through a difficult pregnancy/delivery, where certain medical conditions cause 'restrictions' on what can and can't be done (most guys would just rather not do it at all than to take the chance of doing something wrong and hurting you), and I'm sure you can find lots of examples of this in couples where terminal illnesses are concerned.

Maybe you could try going at this from a medical standpoint and assure him that it's completely safe? - if it is.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  September 14,2009, 12:03pm

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I believe that the both of you could use some couples counseling 3 or 4 sessions at most to look at unresolved issues that the both of you are experiencing anxiety over.

Harvey7.
 
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organizedmayhem is offline organizedmayhem Post #4  September 14,2009, 9:19pm
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I think for some people it is much easier to be physically intimate with a stranger than it is with someone they care about. Real feelings and risks are involved in true intimacy and that scares some folks to death, especially if its something they're not familiar with. If you two can't discuss the matter together, then I'd say he could use some counseling to sort through his feelings. You certainly shouldn't expect to remain in a limbo-like status forever.
 
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tom1385 is offline tom1385 Post #5  September 14,2009, 11:25pm
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Going through something like what you went through is very hard, and I'm sure he really cared about you to stay with you.

He really does care about you, but maybe he still wants to play the field - so he is unsure of what to do and how to approach it. Either that or maybe he feels a bit guilty about something he did during the surgery. He could just be unsure about his true feelings and doesn't know how to express it. There are a plethora of reasons (as Biker mentioned where he literally doesn't want to hurt you), he'll just have to sort it out.

I've gone through something like this myself, I've been with someone that I really cared about for years, but I just didn't have that physical attraction with them anymore - but I found it so hard to break it off because of the emotional attachment we had.

I didn't want to take advantage of her when I was going through this phase - I became a bit more distant and I just needed some time by myself to sort things out. I honestly told her I don't know where things were headed. But that was me when I was 21.

From what he is telling you (that he wants things to work), and he sounds like a stand up guy staying with you during the ill times, it sounds like he just needs some time to sort things. Just worry about staying healthy and your variables for now.
Last edited by tom1385; September 14,2009 at 11:35pm.
 
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Lindseee is offline Lindseee Post #6  September 15,2009, 12:01pm
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EN_Ken wrote :
Speaking as a man who has had a bit of past himself, I can understand why he feels compelled to treat so differently as I felt that way when I met my current girlfriend. What he is overlooking, however, is that in an attempt to show you that you're special, he's making you feel the opposite.

When a man holds off on being sexually intimate, he sometimes does it because he believes that by not becoming sexual, he is showing her that he respects her and that she is special. While it can sometimes come across this way to the woman he's with, especially if he states it, more often than not it makes the woman feel neglected and shunned.

On some level, he's likely afraid that he'll become the man that he was if he were to become the intimate and affectionate with you and to a certain extent, those fears may be justified. Regardless, if you're feeling neglected, then you need to tell him that if he wants to make you feel loved, he needs to be more affectionate with you.

-Ken
FrankTalks.com

Thank you so much for this reply. It helps to ease my mind that this DOES in fact happen.

The bizarre thing is that I DO feel loved. There's no lack of affection. Out in public he's always got his arms around me, he's always giving me kisses and has his hands on me. We snuggle up on the couch together and I fall asleep with my head on his chest every night we are together. There is just a lack of anything progressing, which is SO opposite from the "old" him, that I can't help but feel like something's wrong with ME, when in reality it might just be him.

To everyone else that replied as well: thank you. It really has helped, and if things don't progress more shortly I think I will suggest him seeing a counselor either by himself or with me, to help him/us sort through whatever might be wrong.

Hopefully this is a passing thing, because I agree...it's not fair to me, him, or us as a couple to be in limbo like this all the time!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  September 15,2009, 12:53pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Lindseee wrote :
He promised me he was going to sort through his issues, and readily admitted that he knows he has work to do, but said that we are worth it, and he is willing to do whatever it takes.
So you can choose to wait around while he sorts through these issues, without knowing if or when he'll actually be able to do so. Or, you can try to find someone who has such issues already sorted out. Good luck.
 
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blueshoe is offline blueshoe Post #8  September 15,2009, 1:18pm
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I think all realtionships that are mostly just sexual wires the brain differently. Here you are a healthy person and he is not. He can't respond unless theirs the thrill of a sexual conquest. Like couples whose relationship is mostly physical they marry, and then it peters out. ( no pun intended )

If you think this really could go somewhere I would insist at some point he get counseling for possible addiction issue. If you can keep it non -physical it would be healthy for him but tough for you. If you can wait till he catches up fine but I would still do it under some kind of credile counseling or mentoring. I always wonder with men who proably should be married by now but aren't.
 
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Lindseee is offline Lindseee Post #9  September 15,2009, 3:05pm
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blueshoe wrote :
I always wonder with men who proably should be married by now but aren't.
I know, I know...because on paper, he would be snapped up immediately. My friends have said the EXACT same thing.

To be honest, from what his friends and family have told me, he didn't really think too highly of the many females before me, or, aside from his mother and sister, women in general. I've asked him about that, and have only gotten that he was hurt pretty badly a long time ago, but he won't say what happened.

I don't want to wait forever for him to have some kind of "awakening", but I feel like I at least owe him some time to try to sort things through. In the meantime, I'm hoping I don't start feeling ugly or neglected, because I've come way too far!
 
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Lindseee is offline Lindseee Post #10  September 15,2009, 3:06pm
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jayjay wrote :
So you can choose to wait around while he sorts through these issues, without knowing if or when he'll actually be able to do so. Or, you can try to find someone who has such issues already sorted out. Good luck.
Thanks. I am going to take some time to figure things out myself as well.

Just had to say, you look EXACTLY like the dad of one of the kids in my class. I had to do a double take!
 
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