tiara2161 is offline tiara2161 Post #1  September 10,2009, 7:55pm
tiara2161's Avatar

I'm back

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

Maryland

Posts: 33

See profile

Hi everyone.
Sorry this is so long but I really need some advice. My ex fiance and I broke it off 5 years ago. We had a horrible relationship and didn't talk for a long time while I got over it. We both had issues but he was by far the worse offender (tons of cheating and physical abuse). But we have both changed since then. I have been talking to him (and hooking up sometimes) over the past year since I have been single. He tried to get me back several times over the past 5 years but I was always with someone and didn't think I had feelings for him anymore. But I assumed his attempts to get me back were genuine. He recently asked me back after I had dated someone unsucessfully for a few months and was very adamant that I gave it a chance so I was like okay. We went out Friday night to a movie and Sunday to a restaurant and ate crabs on the water, and had a truly great time. It was perfect as far as I could tell. I asked him on Sunday if he could fix my hot water heater Monday evening because I didn't have any hot water and he knows how to do these things, and he said yes. Monday I sent him a friendly text saying what a good time I had and asked if he was still coming over. I was in a good mood that we had such a great date. I didn't hear back. I finally called, and asked if he was coming by, because I do have a tenant renting my second bedroom who can't take a shower at this point, so I needed to know. I asked him if he wanted me to fix dinner for us, figuring I would do that since he was doing me this favor. He said he would call when he got off work. I never heard anything from him. I called him the next day and said if this is how it is going to be, then lose my phone number. He said that I asked him what he wanted for dinner (he misheard), and that made him think I was jumping right back into our relationship where we left off, and he got scared. I told him regardless of what I said, he still has to at least text and let me know he isn't going to make it. He said fine then don't talk to me anymore. This was two weeks ago. I heard nothing, and I was really sad. I didn't realize over the last year we have become really good friends, and I really missed him. Then today he calls me, asks how I am doing, and as we are talking I hear a knock at my door. It's him he wants to "check on how I'm doing" and of course have sex. He said that he loves me and still wants to marry me, but that he is independent, very busy, and doesn't like the pressure of having to call someone every day.

Okay here is where I need advice. He said that I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to relationships. He said what he wants from me is this - he calls when he wants and if we both have time we go out on a date and have sex afterwards. If he doesn't have time to call he doesn't call, and if he doesn't have time to answer the phone or call me back then I don't get mad. He apologized for standing me up that one night and agreed he should do what he said he was going to do. I said this sounds like you just want to be friends, and he said yes. He said that is how you let a relationship progress naturally. I said that is fine, but then we can't have sex, because if we are having sex then I expect more (i.e., have some accountablity to me and don't date other people). I told him he should want to call me, and if he doesn't feel this way let me find someone who does feel that way about me.

I really don't know what to do. I didn't realize that I do have a lot of feelings for him. While we didn't talk for two weeks I went on a couple dates and was only thinking of him. I can't figure out if he is trying to win some power struggle at this point (or maybe I am?!!) about the calling every day issue. I am just worried that if I allow him to treat me this way now, things will never naturally progress to a relationship, because he can date other people, sleep with me, and basically call me whenever he feels like it. This seems like a horrible situation, but he made it seem like I am in the wrong for not going along with it. Sometimes I am not smart when it comes to relationships, so please, any help would be greatly greatly appreciated!!!
 
  Reply With Quote
Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #2  September 10,2009, 9:39pm
Avalon1k's Avatar

I live for little moments when she steals my heart again...

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2009

Hawaii

Posts: 1,900

See profile

Guys like this attract women. They know which buttons to push to get what they want (sex). If that's all you want from a relationship go for it. If you want something more, then move on.
 
  Reply With Quote
tom1385 is offline tom1385 Post #3  September 10,2009, 9:48pm
tom1385's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Aug 2009

Sacramento

Posts: 94

See profile

Sounds really complicated.

Well first off, It sounds like he is listening to tapes made by "Badboy lifestyle" and there is one section which he writes:

"Women think and react based on emotions, as long as you don't treat them well, and make them angry - they will be thinking about you. As long as they are thinking about you - even negatively, you have won."

Many on the board will probably roll their eyes (Like I did), but it really does work - Don't ask me what kind of players I hang around, haha. They treat their women this way and the women go through a revolving door in their lives, and them having all the benefits without the relationship work.

Basically, a normal "nice guy" will only give you one emotion - Love. However a "bad boy" will give you multiple emotions - Love, Hate, Anger, Mistrust, Disgust, etc. While there are more reasons not to be bored, is this the type of person you want to be with? These men don't react on emotion, they react on pure logic when it comes to women - they do what is the most beneficially to them, and they do whatever it takes.

Men are able to think logically and compartmentalize very well when it comes to women - if he doesn't want a relationship, but he is able to just get sex whenever he wants, and he is able to not call back whenever he wants, this is very beneficial to him. He could string along multiple girls at once and juggle based on his schedule.

In fact, based on his history of cheating - if he really wanted to win you back, he would show it by letting you know where he is at by calling. But it really doesn't sound like he has changed - nor does it sound like he wants to.

As long as he keeps treating you this way, and you allow him to do it, he is going to keep testing the limits. You've already set the limits, where if he doesn't call and treat you the way you want him to, you wouldn't talk to him again. But if you keep allowing him to come into your life again whenever he chooses, he is going to keep doing it.

I'd like to think people can change, but abusive people and cheaters typically don't. You should really save yourself the trouble, I don't see it going well down the line if he is going to just abuse you or hurt you again.

Whatever you decide, proceed with caution. It is tough to forget about someone in your past, but I find the easiest way is just to sever all ties, wish them luck and try to move on with life. There are plenty of fish in the sea!

(Sorry about the poorly constructed post, I just started typing random paragraphs everywhere!)
Last edited by tom1385; September 10,2009 at 10:11pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  September 10,2009, 10:15pm

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

East Coast

Posts: 1,079

See profile

My first question is who fixed the Water Heater?
(Check for a thermostat to adjust the temp.)

It's not going to work out because (1) you don't keep your word. (2) you make poor emotional decisions, rather then a rational decision maker. It's all listed above. "We had a horrible relationship." (tons of cheating and physical abuse). "Then today he calls me, asks how I am doing, and as we are talking I hear a knock at my door. It's him he wants to "check on how I'm doing" and of course have sex. He said that he loves me and still wants to marry me, but that he is independent, very busy, and doesn't like the pressure of having to call someone every day."

" I said that is fine, but then we can't have sex, because if we are having sex then I expect more (i.e., have some accountablity to me and don't date other people). I told him he should want to call me."

Both of you are emotional decision makers and no matter what you agree to, it is still subject to change based on both of your moods.

Forget it, because there is no mutual respect and neither one of you can honor an agreement it's what you want at the time and that's it.
I also think that therapy would be a waste of time and money!

Harvey7.
 
  Reply With Quote
tiara2161 is offline tiara2161 Post #5  September 10,2009, 10:44pm
tiara2161's Avatar

I'm back

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

Maryland

Posts: 33

See profile

Harvey7 wrote :
My first question is who fixed the Water Heater?
(Check for a thermostat to adjust the temp.)

It's not going to work out because (1) you don't keep your word. (2) you make poor emotional decisions, rather then a rational decision maker. It's all listed above. "We had a horrible relationship." (tons of cheating and physical abuse). "Then today he calls me, asks how I am doing, and as we are talking I hear a knock at my door. It's him he wants to "check on how I'm doing" and of course have sex. He said that he loves me and still wants to marry me, but that he is independent, very busy, and doesn't like the pressure of having to call someone every day."

" I said that is fine, but then we can't have sex, because if we are having sex then I expect more (i.e., have some accountablity to me and don't date other people). I told him he should want to call me."

Both of you are emotional decision makers and no matter what you agree to, it is still subject to change based on both of your moods.

Forget it, because there is no mutual respect and neither one of you can honor an agreement it's what you want at the time and that's it.
I also think that therapy would be a waste of time and money!

Harvey7.

Harvey - thanks for your advice. But I am confused - why do you say I can't keep my word? I didn't promise him, or give him my word, about anything?? Unless I'm missing something... I can't help but think you were quick to judge me. I know it is easy to think someone who was once in a physically abusive relationship is crazy, but that isn't the case. I am a very successful professional who got in that relationship, but I also got out of it, 5 years ago. It took me awhile to get over it, but I assure you none of the therapy was wasted. Most people, statistically speaking, never get out. You would be surprised how many females are in a physically abusive relationship, it doesn't make me less of a person that I got trapped in one and then got out. And I'm not crazy.

You said I can't honor an agreement, but again I ask you what is the agreement that I am supposed to be honoring? Did you actually read my post? I did not promise him anything?? I am having a bad night, and although I am completely open to suggestions, I truly don't know why you are being so against me.
 
  Reply With Quote
Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #6  September 11,2009, 10:00am
Laughingdaily's Avatar

Ride along, and Remember to laugh every single day!!

Enthusiast

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 626

See profile

Disclaimer time once again: Anything posted here is not directed toward anyone of either gender, not directed toward the OP, or anyone else of either gender or anyone else for that matter.

OK, got the disclaimer out of the way. After reading the OP's story it appears to me that perhaps people should realize sooner or later that a persons past behavior in general is usually a "VERY GOOD" indication of what future behavior one may expect and or accept from that person.


This is not gender specific either, just in case anyone was wondering. Nothing here is directed toward anyone of either gender or anyone else for that matter.
 
  Reply With Quote
tiara2161 is offline tiara2161 Post #7  September 11,2009, 1:26pm
tiara2161's Avatar

I'm back

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

Maryland

Posts: 33

See profile

Please people I need some advice on this. Thanks for your help.
 
  Reply With Quote
Doodler is offline Doodler Post #8  September 11,2009, 4:37pm
Doodler's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Dec 2007

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Posts: 153

See profile

You heard him say he wanted to be "friends" but he must have whispered the "with benefits" portion. That is what he is looking for, despite anything else he says. If FWB is what you want, by all means continue on with this "relationship." In my opinion, he is not even your friend, because friends treat each other with respect.
 
  Reply With Quote
Mainah64 is offline Mainah64 Post #9  September 12,2009, 6:47am
Mainah64's Avatar

is taking his mini van to the dragstrip in the spring - aiming for mid 15's

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2009

South western Maine

Posts: 717

See profile

Why would you want to be with a person that lied, cheated, and abused you in a past relationship? Are you really suprised that he continues to use and disrespect you? You must know he has a lack of character and integrity.

If you want a fwb on his terms, then go for it. If you expect that he will change, that you can fix him, and that he'll 'come around' and eventually be interested in a monogamous ltr, fugetaboutit. Curb 'm, otherwise...

The drama will continue.
 
  Reply With Quote
bekka74 is offline bekka74 Post #10  September 12,2009, 7:30am
bekka74's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Apr 2009

penna

Posts: 48

See profile

ok tiara, im happy u saw that this relationship was bad 5 years ago and got out. im wondering what made you two start talking again in the first place? while you were in therapy did he also go for therapy and maybe anger mang classes? i do believe people can change so if you two both put in the time and see something there you both want then thats great. however he already said he wants the friends with benifits while you want the relationship, commitment, etc.... im sure this part will sound bad but even w/ the relationship he doesnt need to call every day. yes its nice but you both need time apart. my advice is this..............try the friends thing ( i know the no sex part will suck but..) go out do stuff, hang out whatever...the point is to see if he keeps his "friend" dates with you. if he doesnt he wont keep real dates with you. if he wont agree to it at all even for say a month then he wants the sex and nothing else..sorry i know that will suck if its true but atleast you'll know. i wont tell you to give up, just step back and see if you can see things differently, ask your roommate, friends...people who see you both as to what they think. you also need to see things from his perspective. this will all take time but if the relationship is worth it whats a month or two making sure it will work the second time around when you two may end up together. keep me posted id like to know what happens
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« Are you serious ... or no? | Relationships | Sexuality vs. Seduction »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Dating after death of fiance Sun_Rise Ask a Dating Expert 12 September 19,2011 7:38pm
Amazingly depressed about this online dating joeyjoe Dating 108 June 17,2010 7:58pm
i met my fiance on e-harmony stereogirl Success Stories 18 September 4,2009 10:12pm
I want to have sex with him... pikliz124 Ask a Dating Expert 47 July 14,2009 9:58am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 4:37am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0