He wouldn't Commit so I Left; Now I think I made a Mistake


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esthar is offline esthar Post #1  September 9,2009, 5:20pm
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he wouldn't commit so i left; now i think i was wrong
i would love to get some feedback on my situation; it's all i can think about and i'm really beginning to wonder if i acted too rashly; the more i look around at these sites and think about reentering the dating world the more upset i'm getting because i think i threw away a really good guy.

i've been dating this guy for almost a year now; we're both in our late 20's; we met one month after i got out of a relationship so i was very willing to take it slow (he hasn't had a committed relationship in 5 years); about five months in we took a break after he told me he didn't think he could be what i needed (I was going through a family issue). He came back around a few months later and things have just been escalating since then. At times i've been sure we're headed towards a life-long partnership because of the incredible compatibility and chemistry we share when we're together. Then he pulls away again and becomes distant, citing this mysterious undiagnosed depression that 'brings him down and he doesn't want to bring me down too.' Of course I've questioned if he's dating other people but he's told me i'm the only one, although we've never verbally committed to exclusivity. For the most part I know what he's doing though, and if there is/was anyone else, I would be surprised. Anyway, we've been on his rollercoaster for months. When I bring up commitment he puts it off, saying he needs to get his life in order (he hates his job and in this recession, that could take forever to straighten out). Finally he sat me down last week after I wrote him an angry email (first time ever doing something like that; we never fight) about the fact it was bothering me he'd gotten a new roommate who's a friend of his who's a girl and I was feeling threatened (they adopted a kitten together, bla bla) and told me look, i'm feeling so much pressure and stress from you, i just don't know what i want and it's not fair to you, you deserve more, i really think you're the perfect girl for me, but i don't know why i can't commit, i just don't know if i want to spend the rest of my life with you yet. I said, look, i'm just asking you to introduce me as your girlfriend and asking for consistency and fidelity i'm not asking you to marry me here. He said, yeah well, that's pretty much where a relationship at this age is going. So I said well, if you're trying to end this, just tell me, and of course he said no, no, i don't want to lose you, i'm just trying to be honest, i'm just trying to figure things out. He'd also asked me to a wedding in a few days; i asked if he still wanted me to come, he said 'if you want,' i said 'f that, not good enough, i'm not coming, forget it,' he tried to backtrack 'no i want you to come,' i said 'nope, bye,' walked away, sent him an email a few hours later saynig i say no choice but to go our separate ways and hoped we could be friends eventually, then deleted him from all my social networks and basically cut him off. He was shocked and hurt and protested (but not enough or we'd be back together), called several times over the next few days, texted, emailed ... i stuck to my guns and said i wish things were different but they're not. i appreciate your honesty, you're clearly not ready to be with me, please stop contacting me asking to be your friend, i'm not ready, i'm only interested if you want to be with me.'
I haven't heard from him since (about half a week).
I've been feeling empowered that i moved on with my life, but this guy is really great and really senstitive, bla bla, etc etc, and I just feel as if I freaked out and pushed him away when all along things really were getting better all the time and he'd come light-years from the closed-off man he was when we met.
there's nothing i can do at this stage, right?
Should I contact him, apologize, explain, express recognition/gratitude for his honesty and his efforts (that's something he said in one of his post-breakup messages; 'i wish you could give me some indication that you appreciate i'm trying to create a life i'm happy with; a life i want you to be a part of' ); i have given him no indication, just been a super-cold, completely cut-off stranger and he's never seen me act like this; i've been super sweet and patient and supportive all along.
Now I'm wondering if i took things too far and disrespected the gently growing relationship we had and the trust we'd built up; becuase i do tend to sabotage things or at the least, have devastatingly high standards that always fail me.
Thoughts???
Please????!!!
 
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SoNotRight is offline SoNotRight Post #2  September 9,2009, 5:29pm
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OMG...I can relate to your post so much. You did the right thing. It's hard and it hurts, but you did the right thing.

It took me a year and a half of listening to the same kind of stuff from the guy I thought was my soul mate. But, the truth is...if he were my soul mate we wouldn't have had the same type of issues you described.

It sounds like your guy was like mine...enjoyed having a girlfriend as long as he could get away with only investing the bare minimum into the relationship. A quality like that won't change. I know this is true because my guy and I "took a break" the last time he acted all distant and I asked him to do his thinking then come back only if he had a clear heart and was ready to really give us a chance. He called, we got back together...it was great again...for a month or so. Then, he reverted back to the same old behaviors.

It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks...your guy is who he is and either that works for you or it doesn't. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy...it just means that it's not meant to be. Because truthfully, would they way he treats you make you happy another year from now, ten years? No, in fact it would bother you even more. So, he just isn't the guy you are meant to be with and neither was mine.

Good luck and take time to heal from it all.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #3  September 9,2009, 5:47pm
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I agree that you would have been hearing that same line for years & years if you let it go on.

I also don't buy the "I want to wait until I have my financial stuff in order". He can do that with you if he valued you.

What would holding off a committment do to help his career??

If he had doubts as to whether he could ever support a household then the statement would hold some water. Then he would never be able to commit anyhow. Also, that would mean that he had no confidence & if it appeared that he was confident then it was all a front.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #4  September 9,2009, 5:53pm
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You already told him what you wanted from him and he told you he couldn't give that to you, at least for now.

So move on with your life. If he realizes some day that he wants you the way you want him, he will ask you back. Sometimes someone has to lose something before he realizes what s/he wants. Also, never let anyone think s/he can take you for granted. By wanting him back after what has happened, I will not be surprised if he will think that about you.

From your description of how he has acted towards you, however, unfortunately I have to say that he doesn't seem to think you are the one for him. So if I were you I would do my best to forget him completely.

I do not know any guy who will act as flaky as that guy to you if he truly thinks you are perfect for him.

I personally think you did the right thing by dumping him.
Last edited by EMTZ; September 9,2009 at 6:00pm.
 
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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #5  September 9,2009, 6:04pm
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Congratulations for getting off of the roller coaster ride
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  September 9,2009, 6:09pm
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I got about halfway through the second paragraph and i can pretty much tell you that you got rid of a guy that didnt view you as *the one*. i think you did the right thing unless you want to throw away more of your time on someone instead of finding someone that you love that really loves you.
 
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grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #7  September 9,2009, 6:20pm
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As hard as it seems now you did the right thing. Life is way to short to be waiting for someone else to join you on your life journey. Find someone that is already on the same path you are, who is excited to be with you, who will gladly tell the whole world that you are his girlfriend. What you wanted/needed from his is not unreasonable, you wanted loyalty, consistency, honesty and trust. He was not able to give them to you for whatever reason. Sometimes love is not enough to keep a relationship going, that's why Eharmony has 29 dimensions of compatiblity...29!!!! That's a lot of dimensions! So if your ex had only 2 or 10 or 12, then it was never going to work, it takes a lot of compatibility for a relationship to last a lifetime, and even then there is no garantee.
Don't call him,text him write him or attempt any communication. Move on, you did not make a mistake, you cleared the way for a new partner to join you on your path. He may be right around the corner, wondering where in the world you are.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  September 9,2009, 6:25pm
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I walk away from women for financial reasons all the time. And "job stress" is often a reason to be distant and dismissive.

That he would get a roommate other than you is a big concern - that is a major lifestyle downgrade, and doing it with a person other than one's partner is a sign the end is at hand.

Despite the naysayers, I agree that economic worries do prevent interest in a specific woman I may have at the time. That is just her loss, when she is interested and I am not, as is always the case.

Still, I agree that this is high-risk to chase: he could forever have the "excuse" for not committing to you.

I think moving on is best.
 
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saulgoode is offline saulgoode Post #9  September 9,2009, 6:43pm
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Things go bad, bad things happen.

Someone cheats.

Someone grows frigid.

Someone lies.

Someone betrays.

Make your own decision, don't listen to anyone on this board, but remember that if things aren't what you want, and if you're not getting what you need from a relationship, then people tend to stray.


- Saul
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #10  September 9,2009, 6:45pm
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saulgoode wrote :
don't listen to anyone on this board
Including Saul
 
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