He wouldn't Commit so I Left; Now I think I made a Mistake


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
legend29 is offline legend29 Post #21  September 10,2009, 3:32am
legend29's Avatar

men are like a box of chocolates...you never know what you'll get!

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

NY

Posts: 4,600

See profile

EMTZ wrote :
You already told him what you wanted from him and he told you he couldn't give that to you, at least for now.

So move on with your life. If he realizes some day that he wants you the way you want him, he will ask you back. Sometimes someone has to lose something before he realizes what s/he wants. Also, never let anyone think s/he can take you for granted. By wanting him back after what has happened, I will not be surprised if he will think that about you.

From your description of how he has acted towards you, however, unfortunately I have to say that he doesn't seem to think you are the one for him. So if I were you I would do my best to forget him completely.

I do not know any guy who will act as flaky as that guy to you if he truly thinks you are perfect for him.

I personally think you did the right thing by dumping him.
I wholeheartedly agree!

In my experience, if a man really, really wants a woman..he will move mountains to keep her. He is not flaky, nor reserved...and sees her as a catch that he must have before any other man gets his hands on her.

Men can be quite assertive...even the shy ones...when they know they are about to lose a woman they can't imagine not having in their life anymore. The OP's ultamatum should have given her SO a significant 'wake-up call', but his apparent reticence speaks volumes...I would leave this man alone if a committed relationship was what I wanted with him.
Last edited by legend29; September 10,2009 at 7:51am.
 
  Reply With Quote
boccabum is offline boccabum Post #22  September 10,2009, 5:54am
boccabum's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 974

See profile

reenz wrote :
Um, I'm not even sure where to begin here. If they were just friends and she was pressuring him for a relationship, that would be an entirely different issue. But if she's been romantically involved with him for a year, then I think him not wanting to offer her a full commitment is just selfish. If after one year he still isn't interested in committing to her... not even as a marriage partner, but merely as a boyfriend... then he has absolutely no business at all to kiss her, have sex with her or play with her emotions. I personally would not get physically involved with anyone unless the committment was already there. Contrary to your advice, I think she already gave him way too much while asking way too little of him.
That's exactly why he did the right thing by letting her go. To me, that's the opposite of selfish. But if you want to call his honesty selfish that's your choice.
People have a right to reflect on what they're doing and adjust their lives after realizing it's not right for them. Just because you date someone for a year doesn't mean you're obligated to continue something wrong for you.
And, you said she gave way too much while asking way too little of him. What did she give that he didn't give? They dated each other, it didn't work out, he bowed out. It happens all the time. She admits, herself, that this is a great guy.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #23  September 10,2009, 7:02am
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,438

See profile

wrote :
They will "screen" you pretty early on to see what you will tolerate
this is so true. its critical to kick these guys to the curb at first offense because its only going to get worse if you put up with it.
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #24  September 10,2009, 7:33am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,209

See profile

It's normal to have regrets about a recent break up. However, in those moments we tend to see our ex partner in a better light than he actually is. So don't do that to yourself.

You were right to end things and from the situation, he sounds weak - meaning he kind of told you that this is not working for him, but at the same time he left you hoping. Instead of saying straight up that things are not going to work out between the two of you, he gave you excuses about work. Forget them because that's just another way of saying it's not you it's me. You did the right thing by ending things and don't regret it.
 
  Reply With Quote
Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #25  September 18,2009, 7:39pm
Rainfallgirl's Avatar

has tied the knot

Enthusiast

Joined: Aug 2009

Georgia

Posts: 582

See profile

I wouldn't trust a man who adopted a kitten with someone other than me.
I wouldn't trust a man who lived with a woman other than me.
I wouldn't trust a man who after all that time was unwilling to call you his girlfriend.
You did the right thing. Always trust your instincts and it sounds like you did. That was the right thing to do. It is painful but it is will be worth it in the long run.
 
  Reply With Quote
kahappy is offline kahappy Post #26  September 20,2009, 2:57pm
kahappy's Avatar

knows her glass is half full. :)

Quick Study

Joined: May 2008

New York State

Posts: 197

See profile

I dated someone like this, too. I had to end it because he was miserable with himself, hated his job, was depressed, etc. etc.
Best thing I ever did. He wasn't going to help himself and I couldn't force him to. Same applies to you. Now you're free to find someone who actually has his life together and room for you in it!
 
  Reply With Quote
TomatoSauce is offline TomatoSauce Post #27  November 7,2009, 12:55pm
TomatoSauce's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2009

Portland

Posts: 6

See profile

your post remind me of the movie "He's Just Not That Into You "

Watch this movie, it will truly enlighten you.
Good luck, there is someone out there for you that truly love you.
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #28  November 7,2009, 4:30pm
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,901

See profile

He won't acknowledge you as his girlfriend and he is living with another woman with whom he adopted a kitten? Why do you think you made a mistake kicking him to the curb?

I think what you did was entirely sensible.
 
  Reply With Quote
Alli824 is offline Alli824 Post #29  November 7,2009, 4:58pm
Alli824's Avatar

thinks opportunities do have a shelf life.

Enthusiast

Joined: Nov 2007

Fort Lauderdale

Posts: 914

See profile

A half a week without contact is not a long time. You also said he called you several times trying to patch this up but you were adamant you didn't want him to be in touch until he was ready to commit. You disconnected him from all your social networks-- a pretty strong message as far as I'm concerned. Only a doormat would contact you after that.The way I read this you didn't think he "grovelled enough."

Most men need a couple of weeks to think things through. This may not be a popular opinion, but if you're truly interested in this man I would reach out to him again in a couple of weeks. You're in your late twenties - young as far as I'm concerned. Clearly state your expectations and if he's still waffling then walk. By then he should have had a good dose of missing you, and his ambivalence at this point will clearly tell you he's just not into you. I also want to mention if he suffers from depression and is on meds it would explain a lot. Depressed men are difficult to have relationships with.
 
  Reply With Quote
neardc is offline neardc Post #30  November 7,2009, 5:11pm
neardc's Avatar

Kumbaya, people!

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Near DC (duh!)

Posts: 7,740

See profile

Just noting that the OP posted this thread two months ago and hasn't posted again since (even to respond to the several pages of responses from September).
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Cut to the Chase... or Couch? | Relationships | Prenups: Do or Don't »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
he wouldn't commit so i left; now i think i was wrong esthar Ask a Dating Expert 1 September 9,2009 3:26pm
I've made mistake!!! Tina2005 Dating 20 August 27,2009 3:07pm
Im pretty sure I have made a mistake v_v MinchA598 Using eHarmony 3 July 19,2009 5:48pm
He isn't ready to commit aingr Relationships 26 July 12,2009 7:11am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:49am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0