He wouldn't Commit so I Left; Now I think I made a Mistake


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
saulgoode is offline saulgoode Post #11  September 9,2009, 6:55pm
saulgoode's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2008

Posts: 1,308

See profile

EMTZ wrote :
Including Saul
ESPECIALLY Saul.
 
  Reply With Quote
mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #12  September 9,2009, 7:04pm
mylifesabeach's Avatar

is happy.

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2009

On the Maryland Shore

Posts: 124

See profile

You done good! I had big commitment problems in the past and have also done what this guy is doing myself back when I was young and thoughtless. And I knew exactly what i was doing.

Unfortunately, he either thought he had you wrapped and could lead you on til he came accross the one he really wanted OR he is commitmentphobic. Either way, bad for having any kind of good solid relationship. If it is the latter, and you hung out for years and years waiting for him to get over it, you can pretty much be assured he would have dumped you and moved on. Once he no longer feared commitment, he would not want to be with someone that would put up with that!

If you look out for yourself, and don't let yourself be mistreated you will be much more attractive to the opposite sex. That is the members of it you would want. There certainly are people out there that are looking for someone that will put up with being mistreated. They will "screen" you pretty early on to see what you will tolerate, their cheating, drug use, anger issues. If you see it all and stay around you pass! With this guy if you put up with his vaccillating you pass. If you don't he will move onto someone that will.

It is a nightmare to be married to someone that is not committed to you. You would be on your own and exhausted, always watching your back, trying to analyze everything he said.

If it was me I would have no contact whatsoever with you. He will more then likely start contacting you after he thinks you have cooled off. He will apologize blah blah, didnt want to hurt you blah blah, can we get together just watch a movie, blah blah something something.

He'll have a lot more respect for you if you cordially decline and in the long run i can just about guarentee you'll feel better about yourself. Its never fun to feel manipulated.

Your very smart for your age, wish I had been!
 
  Reply With Quote
mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #13  September 9,2009, 7:05pm
mylifesabeach's Avatar

is happy.

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2009

On the Maryland Shore

Posts: 124

See profile

I meant I would have no contact whatsoever with him. Geez i am bad about the typos
 
  Reply With Quote
Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #14  September 9,2009, 7:15pm
Mr_Right's Avatar

says this is the best wedding picture!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

USA

Posts: 4,386

See profile

esthar wrote :
He was shocked and hurt and protested (but not enough or we'd be back together), called several times over the next few days, texted, emailed ... i stuck to my guns and said i wish things were different but they're not. i appreciate your honesty, you're clearly not ready to be with me, please stop contacting me asking to be your friend, i'm not ready, i'm only interested if you want to be with me.'
I haven't heard from him since (about half a week).
I've been feeling empowered that i moved on with my life, but this guy is really great and really senstitive, bla bla, etc etc, and I just feel as if I freaked out and pushed him away when all along things really were getting better all the time and he'd come light-years from the closed-off man he was when we met.
there's nothing i can do at this stage, right?
Should I contact him, apologize, explain, express recognition/gratitude for his honesty and his efforts (that's something he said in one of his post-breakup messages; 'i wish you could give me some indication that you appreciate i'm trying to create a life i'm happy with; a life i want you to be a part of' ); i have given him no indication, just been a super-cold, completely cut-off stranger and he's never seen me act like this; i've been super sweet and patient and supportive all along.
Now I'm wondering if i took things too far and disrespected the gently growing relationship we had and the trust we'd built up; becuase i do tend to sabotage things or at the least, have devastatingly high standards that always fail me.
Thoughts???
Please????!!!
(but not enough or we'd be back together),
 
  Reply With Quote
timesawastin is offline timesawastin Post #15  September 9,2009, 7:48pm
timesawastin's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 8

See profile

mylife - wish I would have known you years ago. I was with this one crazy guy who played all sorts of mental games but I was really in it for the six. He so badly wanted to marry me, telling people we were engaged when we were not and one time I asked why he told me "no one has ever put up with me as much as you have" at the time I thought it was a compliement. When I left him he did everything in his power to try to woo me back, cards, phone calls, begging, no way, he attacked me once and that was one time too many. instead, I married my rebound and we're divorced.
 
  Reply With Quote
sasha979 is offline sasha979 Post #16  September 9,2009, 7:56pm
sasha979's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2008

USA

Posts: 227

See profile

My ex did the same thing to me. He was never ready to commit, always had some type of excuse. We broke up and I never heard from him again.

A year or so later his "issues" disappeared enough for him to commit - to someone else.

I wish I would have seen through my ex's lies instead of falling for his excuses. If you aren't happy in a relationship you deserve to find one that will make you happy.
 
  Reply With Quote
Seneca is offline Seneca Post #17  September 9,2009, 7:58pm
Seneca's Avatar

a Dios

Quick Study

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 230

See profile

Do that young man a HUGE favor.

Don't ever speak to him again. Ever.
 
  Reply With Quote
boccabum is offline boccabum Post #18  September 9,2009, 8:25pm
boccabum's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 974

See profile

Well you got what you asked for, right?
Here's a guy who is honest enough with himself and you to tell you he's not ready to fast-track a relationship to a point that would cause it to fail. You gave him the ultimatum and he called you on it.
If you want a relationship with THIS guy then it has to be on mutually agreeable terms-not just yours.
I'm not sure you can get this guy back. You'll have to show him you want HIM and not just a relationship in your time frame. I can see him thinking he was just a means to an end (relationship). Now you realize he's a one-in-a-kind guy. Step back. Give him some time to breath and miss you...then try to start over. Or find a guy who just wants a relationship with anybody who meets the "criteria".
 
  Reply With Quote
reenz is offline reenz Post #19  September 9,2009, 10:56pm
reenz's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2008

Posts: 197

See profile

boccabum wrote :
Well you got what you asked for, right?
Here's a guy who is honest enough with himself and you to tell you he's not ready to fast-track a relationship to a point that would cause it to fail. You gave him the ultimatum and he called you on it.
If you want a relationship with THIS guy then it has to be on mutually agreeable terms-not just yours.
I'm not sure you can get this guy back. You'll have to show him you want HIM and not just a relationship in your time frame. I can see him thinking he was just a means to an end (relationship). Now you realize he's a one-in-a-kind guy. Step back. Give him some time to breath and miss you...then try to start over. Or find a guy who just wants a relationship with anybody who meets the "criteria".
Um, I'm not even sure where to begin here. If they were just friends and she was pressuring him for a relationship, that would be an entirely different issue. But if she's been romantically involved with him for a year, then I think him not wanting to offer her a full commitment is just selfish. If after one year he still isn't interested in committing to her... not even as a marriage partner, but merely as a boyfriend... then he has absolutely no business at all to kiss her, have sex with her or play with her emotions. I personally would not get physically involved with anyone unless the committment was already there. Contrary to your advice, I think she already gave him way too much while asking way too little of him.
 
  Reply With Quote
Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #20  September 9,2009, 11:40pm

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

East Coast

Posts: 1,079

See profile

I don't think that the lack of a commitment was the real problem. You came into the relationship with problems after breaking up with a different guy, but you never resolved your issues with him and you also had unresolved issues with your family as well?

You found a nice boy and made him over to fit your image, of what you wanted your man to be, except he was still a boy and when he rebelled at your stressing him out, you kicked him to the curb.

Now your ready to repeat the process again because you think that you made a mistake? There is nothing wrong with both of your ex's. Who is the problem? You are the problem so trying getting into therapy and find out why, or you will keep repeating the game again and again. Grow up.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; September 9,2009 at 11:47pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Cut to the Chase... or Couch? | Relationships | Prenups: Do or Don't »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
he wouldn't commit so i left; now i think i was wrong esthar Ask a Dating Expert 1 September 9,2009 3:26pm
I've made mistake!!! Tina2005 Dating 20 August 27,2009 3:07pm
Im pretty sure I have made a mistake v_v MinchA598 Using eHarmony 3 July 19,2009 5:48pm
He isn't ready to commit aingr Relationships 26 July 12,2009 7:11am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:49am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0