Am I the cause of a breakup?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
ashri is offline ashri Post #1  September 7,2009, 8:05pm
ashri's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 5

See profile

Thanks in advance for any thoughts. I know a man for about 2 years, last 9 months into a serious relationship. We are in love and are thinking of a life long commitment.

When he first spoke to me he had an ongoing relationship. We were just friends, we never met but spoke online purely platonic friendship. He said he did not believe in love but was with her more for companionship. They met once a week, sex was involved. The way I understand, she hoped for something more from the relationship, possibly marriage and thought he will change with time.

We started developing interest in each other 10 months ago, he broke it off with her soon after he realized he has feelings for me.

My problem is this: I feel as though I came between them. And if I had not been there in the picture, may be they would still be together. And I feel guilty a bit. We never met/ nor had sex till 5 months after the break up but the feeling of guilt bothers me. Am I guilty of their break up?

I also have this vague thought he misled her because I cannot think of any girl continuing a relationship for 2.5 years with no hope or promise of a future. Do you think there are girls out there who wait for 2.5 years with no commitment? Is it possible he cheated her/misguided her? We are all in our mid 20's.
 
  Reply With Quote
CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #2  September 7,2009, 8:12pm
CreolePrinces…'s Avatar

It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

The Dirty South

Posts: 2,575

See profile

There's really no point in you trying to figure out the answer to this question. Likely there are multiple reasons for the breakup, as most times when a person cheats, there already exists problems in the relationship. There are only two people who really know what happened. Your boyfriend will only give you his perception of events and his ex...well, I seriously doubt you'll want to as her about the relationship, especially if she knew he was seeing you before he had completely broken it off with her. I say your best solution is to let the matter drop and not think twice about it.
 
  Reply With Quote
j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  September 7,2009, 8:44pm
j0hn8andy's Avatar

.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2009

California

Posts: 5,104

See profile

I don't see what you gain by this speculation.

Rather than feel guilt about coming between them, why don't you consider that you did her a favor? If he couldn't see his way clear to give her what she wanted after 2 1/2 years, it's unlikely he ever would.

At least now she is free to find a man who will love her. That's the way I would look at it.
 
  Reply With Quote
simplemind is offline simplemind Post #4  September 7,2009, 8:55pm
simplemind's Avatar

comes to her favorite season--cool weather and beautiful colors.

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

St. Louis

Posts: 1,340

See profile

"thought he will change with time."

Why is it, that so many women do this?

Whatever their relationship was, it was not satisfying for him. It made it possible for him to look elsewhere, assuming he is not a person to step out on an existing relationship regularly. His action was his choice.

You might have chosen to absent yourself--would that have made him love her? Unlikely.

Suggestion? Don't assume responsibility for another person's actions. He acted, not you.

Any of the gentlemen out there that would like to illuminate this a bit?
 
  Reply With Quote
ashri is offline ashri Post #5  September 7,2009, 8:56pm
ashri's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 5

See profile

Many thanks CreolePrincess and j0hn8andy I'll work on it.
 
  Reply With Quote
MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #6  September 7,2009, 9:05pm
MCMLXXII's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jul 2009

...in the Bible-belt.

Posts: 252

See profile

ashri wrote :
My problem is this: I feel as though I came between them. And if I had not been there in the picture, may be they would still be together. And I feel guilty a bit. We never met/ nor had sex till 5 months after the break up but the feeling of guilt bothers me. Am I guilty of their break up?
Isn't this a question best answered by him?

You may not have been the sole reason he ended his previous relationship, rather his feelings for you swayed his decision.
 
  Reply With Quote
ashri is offline ashri Post #7  September 7,2009, 9:16pm
ashri's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 5

See profile

Thanks simplemind.

The thing you have mentioned about "thought he will change with time" is so true. It is my sincere belief that a change cant be forced unless a person wants to but I see many people wait it out for a variety of reasons.
 
  Reply With Quote
flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #8  September 8,2009, 1:41am
flowerchild66's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 336

See profile

I think your "guilt" is actually your alarm system tripping due to the inconsistencies of your guy's story.

"We are in love and are thinking of a life long commitment." vs "He said he did not believe in love..."

"When he first spoke to me he had an ongoing relationship." However, "We were just friends, we never met but spoke online..." If he was in a relationship, why was he online putting himself in a position to have an emotional affair?

You don't have her side of the story at all, but you do have certain facts available to you: he's OK with starting a relationship before ending the current one, he's OK with using his former girlfriend's vulnerabilities for his own gain, i.e. "They met once a week, sex was involved. The way I understand, she hoped for something more from the relationship, possibly marriage...", he's OK chatting up women online.

Perhaps he did tell his girlfriend that she was just a filler, OR he told her the same things he's telling you about your relationship. People have a funny way of rewriting history so they come out blameless. Maybe your intuition has awoken and is warning you that you may be treated to what his now ex-girlfriend was treated to.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wendy_BBW is offline Wendy_BBW Post #9  September 8,2009, 9:19am
Wendy_BBW's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2009

San Pablo, CA.

Posts: 74

See profile

You go, flowerchild66, you nailed it.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  September 8,2009, 9:35am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

I say don't fret about this, just deal with your relationship with him as best you can. I wouldn't care one bit if a woman broke up with a boyfriend to be with me.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Some statistics on single people | Relationships | boyfriend disappears »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Christian Breakup Cures PreachersSon BaptistViewPoints 17 July 26,2010 6:33pm
Breakup Survival Kit sc4me About You 33 March 14,2010 4:34pm
getting over breakup... lostdude Relationships 5 July 10,2009 10:33am
Getting over a breakup crises069 Relationships 11 June 10,2009 8:05am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:34pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0