Men care more about ownership than love


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lilbangladesh is offline lilbangladesh Post #1  September 7,2009, 7:58am
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Or rather, they seem to think that ownership *is* love.

Frankly, I'm ready to give up on relationships because I've never met a man who gave a damn about how I experienced the relationship. I don't expect a man to understand my feelings; I get that that's advanced physics for a guy. I just want him to care about how I feel. And in 40 years on this earth, the only men I met who cared about how I felt about anything was my father, my uncle, and my close male friends (who are gay, or incompatible for other reasons).

I've never had a problem getting a man to commit. I've asked many a time, "Why can't I have him committed?" but not why he won't commit. In fact, men have a tendency to try and rush me into commitment before I'm ready. (I did finally learn that if a man proposes on the first date, running might be the best course of action.)

But in every single relationship, it's always about him and what he wants. My needs and wants NEVER come into the picture, even though I'm very direct and I'm not shy about communicating them. I've learned, actually, that the best way to guarantee that I DON'T get what I want is to state that I want it. Then he will go out of his way to make sure that I don't get it. And then, of course, he starts demanding sex, because after all that, I don't want to have sex with him anymore.

And the beauty is that when I break up with these gems, as I inevitably do, they cry, "Why did you leave me?" meaning, "How dare you leave me?" "Well," I say, "I was unhappy and my needs aren't being met." "So? Why should that matter?" they say. "If I'm unhappy and not getting my needs met, why do you think I would stay?" "Because that's what girls are supposed to do."

AUGGGH!!!!

Monogamy just doesn't work for me. When I'm dating a bunch of guys at once, I get treated like a queen, but the minute I commit to one guy, I get treated like crap. But the thing is, I don't have the energy or time to do the multiple relationship thing anymore. (I've always been open and up front during the times I've not been monogamous, so I never played anyone. Lying is never cool.) Dating a bunch of guys is a lot of fun, but it's not deep or meaningful. Plus, because I'm not a bedhopper, the more guys I date, the less sex I actually get.

This time around, almost everyone I was dating this summer fell in love with me. I had a lot to choose from and I took my time. This one guy asked me for a commitment, and I told him to give me a few weeks to figure out if it was what I wanted. After a few weeks, I agreed. I completely up-ended my life for this guy. I had to break up with all my other guys, most of whom, even though I was not in love with them, I cared for very much, so these conversations were painful and not fun. And then as soon as I did this, the fun began!

I completely up-ended my life to make this commitment happen, and he was unwilling to change his life even a teeny little bit. He wouldn't make any time for me, and worst of all, when we did make plans, when plans changed, he didn't think it was even worth a phone call to at least let me know. And when I complained, he thought I was asking for too much. I was just asking for basic courtesy and respect! But it's only something I've ever experienced OUTSIDE a relationship!

The mercy of this was that it was short, but I am very bitter. If he never had asked me for a commitment, had he flaked on me one too many times, I would have just let him go with no hard feelings, but it hurts so damn much that he expected me to rearrange my life for him, yet I was not even worth a phone call. He just did what he did because he wanted to make sure I wasn't having sex with anyone else. He didn't care about my feelings. I was just his exclusive sexual property. And the sad thing is, I have the sinking feeling that it wouldn't matter WHO I chose; I would have had the same result. The fact that I backed the wrong horse doesn't matter.

Every relationship, I get treated like property. Any need and want I express is treated like an insurmountable burden. No one cares if I'm happy or not. It doesn't even cross his mind.

It's so damn painful to get involved with someone who says he loves you and wants to marry you (different guy) and then to find out after a year and a half, that he doesn't care about your needs or even your personal safety. He's mad when you leave, but it never occurs to him to even lift a finger to try and keep you. He owns you and that should be enough. Any unhappiness on your part is your fault.

I'm not a high maintenance person and I don't really need a lot, but I need to feel that I *matter* to the other person, but I never do. Hell, one time I got kidnapped by a cab driver and I almost got hit by a bus getting away, but the guy I was dating couldn't be bothered to care that I almost died. Men just expect me to be at their beck and call, and when I have a need or desire, they just disappear. They never care about my feelings at all. Either they move in and take over my life, trying to reorder it to their satisfaction, or they just put me up on a shelf. And my unhappiness either becomes a source of amusement to them or unbearable squawking. It has never occurred to a single man I've ever dated that perhaps things might be more pleasant if they actually tried to make me happy.

It doesn't help that Patti Stanger has articles on here stating that as a never-married 40-year-old, guys are going to be looking at me from now on, wondering what's wrong with me. What's wrong with me is that I refuse to waste time trying to fix a guy, trying to force a guy to care about me when he never will. If I wanted to get married, it would be the easiest thing in the world. Lots of men want to marry me. But no one wants to love me; they only want to own me. I think they think that ownership is love. And that love means that they don't have to care about how I feel. After every relationship, the guy may be crying out his love to me, but I have to face the hard fact that the relationship was all about him and his needs and desires and my needs and desires never mattered to him at all.

Fine. I give up. I'm never going to be in another relationship ever again. At least when I'm single, I can pretend that people care about me, instead of having it rubbed in my face when I am in a relationship that no one ever will.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  September 8,2009, 10:00am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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"but I am very bitter"

No! ...really?

I'll have to get back to this one later when I have more time ...but, this is going to be verrry interesting.
 
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86CJ7 is offline 86CJ7 Post #3  September 8,2009, 10:21am

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Just read some of your other posts and do feel for what you are experiencing. What age range are you searching in? Have you thought about dating older men?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  September 8,2009, 10:22am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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What I will say is....how my partner feels does matter to me. However, she does need to realize that doesn't always mean I'm going to do what makes her feel best. There are other factors to be considered.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #5  September 8,2009, 10:24am
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This could be an interesting story. All we need to know now is the story behind the OP to see what may be causing so much turmoil with this scenario.

In my humble opinion it seems there is only half of the story here. Have to see
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  September 8,2009, 10:28am
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wrote :
I just want him to care about how I feel.
Okay flipping back to what i really believe....

he DOES care. men care. they care a lot. yeah there are some that dont/cant for various reasons but i dont believe they are the majority at allll. they are an infinitesimal minority

he shows you he cares by doing for you, by fixing your stove by working hard for a country house for you to enjoy and come and bake cakes and plant flowers, he shows it by changing the oil on your car by helping you with your resume by giving you warnings and advice. he cares greatly.

the problem is when as women we try to shove them into our definition of *caring*.

we had a thread about *emotional accountability* yesterday that i think is a huge reach for most men. its very difficult for men to get emotional and share emotionally. not that they never do but the experience is different for them. there are men out there that are able you just have to find them

if you want the equivalent of a man saying "you look fat in those pants" just tell him he doesnt care.

i have to go back and read the rest of your post now. the caring thing jumps out at me every time and i almost always think its the most important thing to address.
 
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Wendy_BBW is offline Wendy_BBW Post #7  September 8,2009, 10:46am
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Don't allow bad relationship partners to make you bitter. That's handing over your personal power and happiness to them. Why would you allow what someone did or didn't do to you to define your future relationships(ie. deciding you will no longer have reltionships)?You may not be in relationships with them any more but it's obvious that they still have a major role in your life. Don't allow that. You need to learn to recognize the right men for you to be involved with. There were warning signs whether you noticed it or not. I think it's something to take notice of, that according to you, all of your past relationships have been the same. Look within.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #8  September 8,2009, 10:58am
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Great post, Nanette! I totally agree that men show they care in ways that are very different from the way women do. We just have to learn to recognize and appreciate their expressions.

I really do feel for you, OP. I can tell that you are hurting right now. It's nice to come up here and vent. Just coming off a relationship that didn't work is a great time to be bitter and rage and howl at the moon. The Lord knows that you will find plenty of like company up here. Margaritas are especially tasty at times such as this.

BUT once you purge yourself of all that hurt and anger and disappointment you have to search for a place of philosophical acceptance and try to figure out how to find more contentment in the future. It's a sad fact of reality that you can't control how others manage their emotions - you can only control your own as best you can. I'm afraid that I am under-qualified to give tips to an extremely beautiful woman who men seek to own. I'm kind of an average gal myself. But I have challenges too; they are just different. The only thing that I can advise is that if you can't find some way to let go of the feelings that you are expressing right now (very understandable feelings, in my opinion) then you risk carrying baggage into the next relationship that is almost guaranteed to deliver a self-fulfilling prophesy. The common denominator in this string of failed relationships is you - which is a good thing, because you actually have some control over yourself. It would be much worse if the matter was entirely out of your hands.

I don't know, but maybe you can spend some time contemplating exactly what it is that inspires this sense of ownership that men feel for you and figure out how to manage that more effectively. There are good and honorable men out there; you just have to keep looking until you find one. Certainly there are other extremely beautiful women out there who are successful in relationships. What are they doing right? Perhaps some of the more aesthetically pleasing posters can jump in here with some pearls of wisdom?

I wish you happiness.
Last edited by last12C; September 8,2009 at 11:09am.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #9  September 8,2009, 11:26am
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Like another said we haven't heard the other side of the story and you are the common denominator in each one of these. I do have empathy for you, but am curious as to why a man would feel as though he "owned" you. Were you in a position where they were taking care of you?
 
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graceventually is offline graceventually Post #10  September 8,2009, 11:40am
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I can appreciate that you're hurt, OP; and that you want a safe place to vent. But at some point, go back and read that post, and see if you can imagine a man feeling attacked when he hears those words? Few men want to be told that they are just like all the other guys that have hurt you, or that you completely discount the ways in which they have been showing their feelings (which, as Nanette so eloquently expressed, are often not the ways you or I would do it). Or, if he opens himself to you and is vulnerable enough to propose marriage; you will dismiss that by saying that "lots of guys" have wanted to marry you and you equate marriage with "ownership". You use that word several times, but never define it. I would think that would frustrate a man hearing it in a (possibly heated) conversation. Think of how he would be likely to feel as he hears it: he would want to deny it, he would be afraid you were ending the relationship over it, and he would not know what it means nor what he can do to change it - all at once! That sounds like a recipe for disaster, so you may want to avoid serving it up again. Perhaps some less emotionally-charged phrases and expressions would get your concerns and feelings across to your partner in a way that he could hear them better, in the future? But that's for another time.....of course we are here to let you let it all out now. Best of luck to you!
 
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