HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #1  September 4,2009, 1:02pm
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Hi.

I am curious what you men think of a man who is almost 40 year old male who refuses to work.

My friend 37? married a man who is the same age and who refuses to work. He doesn't want to work because he doesn't want to work for "the man".

My friend doesn't like this but married him anyways as this was the first man who really treated her well and she knows he will never leave her. My friend is very very cute and has an amazing personality...just not good luck in the men department. Also, he does have a pile of money from his late mother, enough to buy her a home and provide income for them both so she figured this was good enough and to leave it at that.

He knows she would greatly prefer he had some ambition and wanted to "do" something more but even so, he won't. And it's not just about money...it's about admiring your man and that being productive is sexy in a man. At the wedding he said "I will do whatever I can to be worthy or your love" yet he is not sincere in changing this.

This turns me off so much. I'll tell you why... IMO a man who doesn't want to work is less of a man. I am sorry, I just think it's true. They are disconnected from the "protect and provide" instincts. To not want to make something of yourself is not a nice quality at all. And if everyone had his leftist (not wanting to work for "the man") we would have not created anything in this world!

Perhaps I am coming off as too judgmental. I don't actively dislike him at all...he is a nice guy but I do think less of him. Not because he isn't making a certain figure of money because he has no desire to better himself.

And by the way, many men are like this these days. Many women are supporting their men and very unhappy while doing so.

Men, what are your thoughts on a man like this?
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #2  September 4,2009, 1:21pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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I'm a woman, is this ok? It's just I was in exactly that position 10 years ago and I left him.

Again, it wasn't about the money. I was embarrassed when people asked me what he did because he literally did nothing, all day, every day. He was a gentle person, could be funny, capable of great creativity and he would never have left me but he just opted out and that was that.

He would occassionally have a little 'I'm not working for the man' style rant which annoyed me on two levels. 1) Being left with all the bills I couldn't afford to take some idealistic stance because we'd starve and he didn't mind me working for "the man" to pay his bills! And 2) It was a damn lie; he was just plain lazy.

I feel for your friend. Looking back I feel that I did the right thing, but 10 years ago I was 10 years younger and 10 years braver, it'd be hard to be in that place now.
 
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Tinderbox is offline Tinderbox Post #3  September 4,2009, 1:28pm
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No reason to work if he is independently wealthy, but you didn't say what he does spend his time doing. Does she work? Or do they spend their time traveling or enjoying life together in other ways? Perhaps they want to raise children together with both parents at home.

If they're both happy and paying the bills then it's none of your business. Not everyone has to follow the same script, particularly if there is an income already there.

HappyandLight wrote :
At the wedding he said "I will do whatever I can to be worthy or your love" yet he is not sincere in changing this.
Does this mean she married him on his promise he would change something? Otherwise that could just be a generalized romantic statement.

To be frank, you sound jealous of your friend's new found happiness.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #4  September 4,2009, 1:33pm
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wrote :
And by the way, many men are like this these days. Many women are supporting their men and very unhappy while doing so.
First order of business. This is completely inaccurate. While there are a lot of people currently unemployed, I know they all are desperate for work. I know hundreds of men-literally. And ALL of these men work. A few are currently unemployed. The guy you describe is completely rare and a fraction of the population of men.

That being said...I think he's just lazy. Even if he's well off, a person with idle hands also has an idle mind. If he's useless in society, he's useless at home and probably in bed! I don't respect that at all.

Frankly, I've known many women that are just like this guy. Why is it OK for a woman to not want to work (outside of the child-rearing role?) in these days but not a man? I don't hear too many women complaining about their female friends not wanting to work. Only when that rare man who does this behavior is it something to talk about--why?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #5  September 4,2009, 1:33pm
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wrote :
And by the way, many men are like this these days. Many women are supporting their men and very unhappy while doing so.
First order of business. This is completely inaccurate. While there are a lot of people currently unemployed, I know they all are desperate for work. I know hundreds of men-literally. And ALL of these men work. A few are currently unemployed. The guy you describe is completely rare and a fraction of the population of men.

That being said...I think he's just lazy. Even if he's well off, a person with idle hands also has an idle mind. If he's useless in society, he's useless at home and probably in bed! I don't respect that at all.

Frankly, I've known many women that are just like this guy. Why is it OK for a woman to not want to work (outside of the child-rearing role?) in these days but not a man? I don't hear too many women complaining about their female friends not wanting to work. Only when that rare man who does this behavior is it something to talk about--why?
 
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86CJ7 is offline 86CJ7 Post #6  September 4,2009, 1:36pm

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H&L, replace "man" with "woman." and let me know what you think about your post. That is the situation many men face continually.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  September 4,2009, 1:40pm
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HappyandLight wrote :

I am curious what you men think of a man who is almost 40 year old male who refuses to work.

My friend 37? married a man who is the same age and who refuses to work. He doesn't want to work because he doesn't want to work for "the man".

My friend doesn't like this but married him anyways as this was the first man who really treated her well and she knows he will never leave her. My friend is very very cute and has an amazing personality...just not good luck in the men department. Also, he does have a pile of money from his late mother, enough to buy her a home and provide income for them both so she figured this was good enough and to leave it at that.

This turns me off so much. I'll tell you why... IMO a man who doesn't want to work is less of a man. I am sorry, I just think it's true. They are disconnected from the "protect and provide" instincts. To not want to make something of yourself is not a nice quality at all. And if everyone had his leftist (not wanting to work for "the man") we would have not created anything in this world!

And by the way, many men are like this these days. Many women are supporting their men and very unhappy while doing so.
Can I answer, even not being a man?

My first husband lost his job a few times. During the 70s when Carter was President, we had a very bad recession, gas lines around the block. When he did get a job, it was last one hired, first one fired. It can put a real strain on a marriage.

My second husband had his own business, so no problem there, other than convincing him we had enough money to retire!

I do admit I had far more respect for my second husband, for a whole host of reasons, not all of them having to do with money.

Men do get self esteem from work, far more than women. They usually take a great deal of pride in being able to provide for a wife and family.

Personally, once I had enough money, I quit work. I haven't worked in almost 10 years. It took me a few more years to convince the second husband, but he finally closed his business and retired. I am grateful we had 4-5 years together without work before he died.

But inherited wealth can also provide. In your friend's case, I would say to leave it alone. It's her life, she's living it. Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether you respect him or not. I personally would not have a problem with a man not working if he had inherited wealth. Not so long as I was not supporting him. And it's not clear your friend is supporting her husband.

The one thing I would say is that your friend should make sure her name is on Title and Deed to that house. Even if he did pay for the whole thing. Just in case she decides to give up that man with the "pile of money" who "doesn't want to work for the man".
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #8  September 4,2009, 1:42pm
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HappyandLight wrote :
My friend doesn't like this but married him anyways as this was the first man who really treated her well and she knows he will never leave her.
Well, isn't that expected? Realistically, he really doesn't have enough options with his choice of life
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #9  September 4,2009, 2:27pm
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Tinderbox wrote :
No reason to work if he is independently wealthy, but you didn't say what he does spend his time doing. Does she work? Or do they spend their time traveling or enjoying life together in other ways? Perhaps they want to raise children together with both parents at home.

If they're both happy and paying the bills then it's none of your business. Not everyone has to follow the same script, particularly if there is an income already there.

Does this mean she married him on his promise he would change something? Otherwise that could just be a generalized romantic statement.

To be frank, you sound jealous of your friend's new found happiness.
*********

I assure you I am *not* jealous. I have a man who has his own company. For many reasons, I totally prefer that than my friend's husband.

And, no, she is not happy with *this* at all. She has expressed this several times to me. She does not make a lot of money herself and he has to be very very frugal to keep things together. They also want to have kids...and with things being frugal and such, there is stress already. She's *already* wondering how they are going to do it and she does not want to be the one who works while he stays at home.

Worse, he can't even do things at home. He has zero organizing skills and *task* skills.

In fact, he barely had health insurance...and just bought some at her prodding.

No, I do not want a man like this. NOt jealous...very happy with my man.

Of course I wish them well. I socialize with them often...and it's fine. I have never suggested she do anything except just recognize her needs and express them. Never advocated staying or leaving, I mostly listen.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #10  September 4,2009, 2:33pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
Can I answer, even not being a man?


Men do get self esteem from work, far more than women. They usually take a great deal of pride in being able to provide for a wife and family.


But inherited wealth can also provide. In your friend's case, I would say to leave it alone. It's her life, she's living it. Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether you respect him or not. I personally would not have a problem with a man not working if he had inherited wealth. Not so long as I was not supporting him. And it's not clear your friend is supporting her husband.

.
********

Of course everyone can reply. Thanks for sharing.

And I don't say anything to her or anyone else. I really don't care that much...only in that it changes how I view his character and I feel for her but I am not active in my feelings at all. And, obviously, it's her life...I am not posting her to change it or her at all...just expressing really.

If she wants support from me in anyway, I'll give it. I've always supported her and what she wants.

I guess one thing it's made me realize...I know I do not want a man like that.

I wish them well.
 
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