taking it slow. how to slow down the emotional intimacy?


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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #71  October 29,2009, 6:24pm
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Just an observation - a few texts a day is freaking you out? Think about that! What is behind YOUR strong reaction? FEAR. You are falling for him. A few texts in themselves do NOT have the power to ruin your work day - you could ignore the texts - but you CANT because of your FEELINGS! Your emotions are strong - be glad that you are a person of feelings!!! Be scared and in love and enjoy it!

I have to add that just like some people LOVE to talk, others are introverted - and so this carries-over into other forms of communication like texting. Personally, I would like lots of interaction provided that there is good face-to-face interaction. I like texting and emailing! it reveals the person's character - and I like when they have a great sense of humor!

Other people just want to wait for a date and be silent in-between. Even with dates - some are open and ready to meet. Some are flexible - others freaking out over any change. Its all very revealing.

You dont sound comfortable, so do you prefer a cooler person who gives you less attention? Do you prefer to be spoken to less? Uncomfortable with people who speak openly about their feelings.

What if he says that he loves you? He is outgoing - he could say that soon.
Last edited by LookinUp; October 29,2009 at 6:33pm. Reason: the love doctor is IN
 
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Sir_Real is offline Sir_Real Post #72  November 9,2009, 6:52am
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Just my tuppence-worth, I am that guy! Lol not literally, but have just come out of a relationship where I was hyper-attentive from the start. The reason? I fell in love with the girl, simple as that. Was it infatuation, lust, neediness or any of that stuff that gets mentioned when love happens so 'early'? Who can say, certainly not me, I thought she was 'the one' (and sadly still do).

Incidentally the way the relationship progressed was somewhat different to many people's experiences it seems. We met on Match.com (she winked at me first), she looked lovely and her profile looked great too. After a couple of introductory emails we very quickly got to chatting on MSN (for hours), within a couple of days she happily gave me her phone number (without me asking for it), and the communication was thick and fast on all levels. She told me she wasn't used to all the attention, but liked it.

She came to visit me for our first date (as she felt it gave her more control) we went for a lovely walk in the summer countryside, she asked me to 'give her a snog', I was happy to oblige. She ended up staying for 3 days, and we were 'physically intimate'. I was very surprised that she was happy to move this quickly, she assured me that it was because I had been gentlemanly in my communication with her, and had not once mentioned sex...so she didn't think I was expecting it, and hence trusted giving herself to me in that way.

Anyway, long story short, 5 months down the line and I'm single again and completely devastated that she doesn't think I am the guy for her...she still claims to 'love me to bits', but not in a 'life partner' kind of way. I don't believe that the speed with which we got to know each other or got intimate had any bearing on this, although in retrospect I would probably have been wise to take things a little slower and maybe I would have been less hurt...but it is impossible to control your feelings, and they can make you behave in ways that you never normally would. My advice (FWIW) is to go as fast as you feel comfortable with, and if the guy can't accept your pace then you're not a good match unfortunately. Good luck anyway :-)
 
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TallTrimTexan is offline TallTrimTexan Post #73  July 15,2011, 8:24pm
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1.) I would address your concerns immediately (on your next date)...if he cannot handle your demands, or becomes melancholic, somber, or God-forbid, angry; then you know he is NOT what he seems and it may be best to get out of such a toxic and potentially dangerous setting.


Opie, thanks for this very articulate thought. I just ended a six week relationship with my first successful EH match in two years for this exact reason. Like several other posters, I have a job that is not always conducive to personal calls or texting. I chose to address this situation, along with his "instant relationship" assumptions via a phone call, which turned out to be a wise choice. He did become angry and threatening, quite a departure from the mild mannered engineer I thought I'd been getting to know. He was a widower and I am guessing stuck in the "anger" stage of grieving. I would encourage our OP to set whatever boundaries are comfortable for her, and insist that he comply. If she continues to feel like moving more slowly than he does, perhaps there really isn't enough chemistry and spark to sustain a relationship long-term. Sometimes the ones that look best on paper and meet all your "must haves" are still not a good fit - a lesson I just learned the hard way. Best of luck to you!
 
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Turan is offline Turan Post #74  July 15,2011, 11:04pm
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sounds like two different issues....a couple of texts a day isn't very clingy and is a simple way to maintain a "no hands" contact....if you thinks he's leaning in too fast, I'm guessing it isn't the texts but some other signals and if so, those signals are important to attend to. But I dont' think a few texts a day is overboard, unless the content is in sonnet form....
 
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exanimatebylove is offline exanimatebylove Post #75  July 21,2011, 12:21pm
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You like this guy, he obviously likes you, theres chemistry... Whats the problem!??! lol!!!

I'd kill for that!!!
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #76  July 21,2011, 3:12pm
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jayjay wrote :
Well....the thing is, the emotional need you're seeing in him isn't going to go away because you 'have a talk' with him. He might or might not be able to hide it from you for a while....but it will still be there.
^^^^^^^This
 
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annother is offline annother Post #77  July 21,2011, 3:38pm
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This is an old thread. The OP is probably long gone by now.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #78  July 22,2011, 6:49am
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Oopsies! Thanks for pointing that out, annother.
 
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Jessix is offline Jessix Post #79  July 22,2011, 10:50pm
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Well, some people are different. Personally, I feel that by growing attached emotionally before physically offers a more intimate closeness when the physical aspect comes into play. He is probably texting you because you're on his mind. There's nothing wrong with a guy that want's to express himself. It's his way of seeing how you will react to him telling you of his day. Afterall, communication is a very important aspect in any relationship. Messaging another person isn't exactly moving quickly. Just go with the flow, everything happens for a reason! (:
 
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