taking it slow. how to slow down the emotional intimacy?


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k9d333 is offline k9d333 Post #31  September 17,2009, 7:56pm
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Hi I dont know who you are and your age,but tome slowing down would always be honest and tell the truth if he cant handle that you have your answer. k9 GOOD LUCK
 
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Uncle Apple is offline Uncle Apple Post #32  September 17,2009, 8:01pm
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You can't slow down the attachement. By now it's likely too late, to even try to slow it, anyway. But you can slow the rate of the inevitable progress (but to stop it is impossible!). However, some times when going slow, one person thinks "we're going too fast" regardless. And the other will always tend to think, "No, we're going too slow". The rest, I think everyone knows.
 
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jlgpurrera16 is offline jlgpurrera16 Post #33  September 17,2009, 8:09pm
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I think you should be honest and let him know, I just got through that when they aren't been honest with me, and no explanation, and right now we aren't seen each other anymore and is really painfull. I think you should tell him that you just want to still dating until you get to know each other better, or until both feel is the right time or you feel is right..
 
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Trenchant is offline Trenchant Post #34  September 17,2009, 8:34pm
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There is a lot of good advice here (Bigfincat)...and a lot of bad (Quendy)

Among the most pertinent points here is in how much (or little) you seem to know this guy. With as much as he seems to want to communicate with you, it sounds like you haven't been taking many opportunities to get to know him or express your feelings. The fact that you're using the number of dates as your primary measure of the relationship's progression means that you probably aren't communicating enough to demonstrate any serious interest already, and the fact that you don't feel "safe" riding in a car with him for a day trip shows a serious problem as well.

Of course there are a number of explanations for his behavior, ranging from an innocent inability to sense your awkward displeasure to being emotionally unstable and clingy -- and without further information, any guess by posters here would likely be premature (one cannot draw the line between healthy skepticism and paranoia from within a vacuum of evidence).

I would like to suggest, however, that your answers here might warrant some extra investigation on your own part. If you are trying to make a distinction between emotional and physical intimacy with regards to timelines of appropriateness, then I think you need to find out for yourself what you're comfortable with -- but realize, also, that you cannot expect them to deviate too far from each other. You should not be having physical intimacy with people with whom you don't have emotional intimacy, and you cannot have emotional intimacy if you won't even let them ride in the same car as you.

And without going too far into personal preferences, I will just say that four months is a bit on the long end of waiting for physical intimacy -- the issue should *not be whether or not he will "resent" the wait so much as whether or not you would be doing it as a "favor" to him (physical intimacy should be a mutual expression of passion, not a giftset or reward for "time served"). If you're focused on timing, then you aren't ready. And if you're never ready for the guys you actually like, then maybe there is more to the subject that you should address (trust issues, just a guess).

In sum, I think you should be polite and up front with how you feel about his texting and explain how you are really tentative with establishing relationships with people. And I think you should learn more about yourself and what you want from a relationship.
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #35  September 17,2009, 9:31pm
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Sorry I couldn't read all replies (back problems, cant sit long)
curiously enough this happens to be the first day in over a month that Laura and I have not spoken to eachother (was really busy day, was only able to leave a message)
Different people feel comfortable communicating Differently (go figure!)

bottom line
Communicate how you feel
Don't make him feel bad about communicating (lest he might stop)
Communicate to him how important this is to you and that you might be "unsure" / "learning" a new way of thinking/acting

DON'T NOT COMMUNICATE!!

just my .02
Good luck!
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #36  September 17,2009, 9:39pm
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AZnurse wrote :
I agree, Treeye, set the pace. Be up front with him though and don't lead him on. Tell him what your expectations are especially during work hours. Tell him you'll call him later. Honestly, guys are pretty dumb and sometimes need a message tied to a rock thrown at their head to REALLY get it. Sounds like he is excited about you...but I agree with you, slow burn is far better than burn out.
LOL - so true...
Last edited by lacedwithhope; September 17,2009 at 9:40pm. Reason: And I mean that in the nicest possible way!
 
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Felixkid is offline Felixkid Post #37  September 17,2009, 9:42pm
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bigfincat wrote :
You are definitely projecting here.

Even if I am thrilled with a woman that I start to see I have no desire to even communicate with her daily....3 or 4 times per week TOPS.

I would rather skip the more or less nonsense texts & discuss those things in person when we get together.
I would Totally disagree with bigfincat. There are a few people I talk to daily about nothing and I totally enjoy it.

I just ended a relationship where I started to feel like your guy. I was texting her every other day to daily at times and she slowly started to respond less and less. I felt there was a problem so I asked if I was "smothering her" and she said no. A week later we broke up because we were "too similar" (so I don't think it was smothering?). So don't just change your behavior and start talking to or seeing him less, he will think you are losing interest and therefor may start closing himself and his feelings off to you. Tell him that you want to take it a little slower because you do really like him. He will probably respect that. He will still want to "yell it from the top of a mountain", but he will know its not helping his cause. Yeah, guys can be dumb, but the good ones are a little less dumb...at least I hope we are... Good luck!!

AZnurse wrote :
Be up front with him though and don't lead him on. Tell him what your expectations are especially during work hours. Tell him you'll call him later. Honestly, guys are pretty dumb and sometimes need a message tied to a rock thrown at their head to REALLY get it. Sounds like he is excited about you...but I agree with you, slow burn is far better than burn out.
 
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Tanzenlieber is offline Tanzenlieber Post #38  September 17,2009, 9:51pm
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Actually, your question has given me some insight into the behavior of a woman I have met. She and I have gone out a couple of times, and I know she likes me because of the things she says about me and the way we are together, and I know she enjoys my company. Yet she is telling me she is afraid. So I'm getting the message. I say, okay, I will back off and give you space if that's what you need.

There's a lot more to this story that I'm not going to share, so don't jump to conclusions about my situation. My point is, though, if you feel he is moving too fast, tell him. Tell him he needs to back off or he risks driving you away. Something like that. Let him know you like him but you want him to slow down. And yeah, don't respond right away when he texts you. Make him wait. He will respond one of two ways -- he will get frustrated and leave, in which case you didn't want him anyway, or he will respect your feelings and back off and give you the space you need.

That's my advice, which is worth exactly what you paid for it.
 
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OscarWild is offline OscarWild Post #39  September 17,2009, 11:08pm
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I've seen some responses that say it's too much or too needy and would reply that it depends on how you see it. If you like someone you tend to see the good things and overlook the others... in case of a txt message...tell him up front. nicely! Dont let it become a issue...I had a talk with someone I'm seeing after two dates...we are in love for sure? Who knows...but we certanily like each other. She mentioned the intensity was overwhelming...(conversationally) It's out in the open...no worries...She will call me or I will call her in a day or two...communication is the key.
 
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tiffany_case is offline tiffany_case Post #40  September 18,2009, 1:17am
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Hi,

I found your problem quite interesting. I have met a guy who is viewing the relationship as you are. We have had two dates and hit it off right away, we are really compatible and I am very hopeful. He though, strongly wants to slow things down and keep it slow so we build on our relationship and learn about eachother slowly. Because as you say, those relationships works better.
Once a week is not enough for me though, I want to spend more time with him. Goodness I have been on my own long enough, very picky, never find anyone suitable, so this new guy is like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and I want to grab it and have all of it now.
Sorry to have digressed, but maybe I should listen to what you have said and what he is saying and slow it down to his pace. I suppose its easier to jog alongside someone and go the whole way, than sprint and eventually lose eachother, someone is always going to be faster.
So thankyou for your question, it has helped me, and as I am the other person in this, just tell him why you want to keep it slow, tell him you really like him and want it to work, like my guy keeps telling me, but you want it to last and discover eachother slowly.
 
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