Would you have a relationship with this loser?


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tom1385 is offline tom1385 Post #1  September 2,2009, 9:55pm
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First, I'm not talking about dating or anything short term, I'm talking about a long relationship with intentions of marriage.

Edit: I made this post in preparation of going back to the dating world after a summer of failed eH (Busy without any chance of going outside). Hopefully I can salvage useful advice from this board and have it offset the "usefulness" of the eH match system.

I'd like to hear it from your "pretend perspective", whether is it that of a man approving of his 20 year old daughter or someone who is just thinking back to her days as a 20 year old.

-----------
Preface (about myself):

I've had two long relationships before, but both were with international students, so their perspectives on an ideal boyfriend are a lot different because of the culture. I'd prefer to have a relationship with someone from this hemisphere though, so I'd like feedback so that I could "better myself" or maybe hold off on a long term relationship until I get my stuff together.

I don't live at home with my parents. I do own my home, however it is only in name (My parents bought me the house).

My parents provide for me, and pay for all my schooling, and are planning to pay for my medical school expenses. My parents do this because all they want me to do is do good for the community and focus on studying until I get out of med school.

I go to school full time and I do research for free. I don't work, because I don't need the minuscule money I'd get for working 20 hours a week. However, I do spend the 20 hours a week volunteering to tutor and mentor kids and work at hospitals.

I've been blessed with a silver spoon. However, this is the bad part - from my perspective of a female, I'm a loser because I don't work and I live off my parents.

I don't have any plans to work for at least 4 years because of med school, and after I finish with med school and my residency (7 years total) and during residency I will be working 80 hours a week for minimum wage.

I might join the military to live in Europe for 1-2 years (I can bring my family to live with me, it wont be in the war zone).

This sounds dumb because us guys are supposed to be morons and live in the moment, but I have everything planned, and it screams "not a man".
------------------------------------

Questions:

Right now, should I get a steady job to show that I can at least provide for myself? Or would you not care (from a female perspective)?

Would a girl be afraid to commit because they'd have to move around and travel? Would you relocate around the country and globe this young? Would you be able to wait at least 7 years to settle down?

Would me working 80 hours a week be too much during 3 years of residency? My sister was only able to go out with my brother-in law only 3-4 times a weeks. Plus I would be studying like crazy for Medical school for the 4 years before residency.

Pretend that you at least find me somewhat physically attractive, have fun with me, have interesting conversations, have things in common, spend quality time together and find me tolerable at worst. (Just the basics required for a LTR).

Also pretend you had other options and you didn't have to settle for me.

I know everyone has different opinions and not all girls would do the same, but I'd like to hear all of your personal perspectives so I can see if there is a consensus in some areas.

Thanks in advance for answering these questions!
Last edited by tom1385; September 2,2009 at 11:28pm.
 
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tom1385 is offline tom1385 Post #2  September 2,2009, 10:30pm
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I have had two for two years each as stated in my preface. They have completely different world views because of their backgrounds compared to that of the western culture. They were both international students at my school, but after graduating, they had to move back home.

I've worked as an office receptionist for the better part of 6 years before I entered college. I've never worked as a waiter, but I have worked as a real estate assistant and landlords for 4 years now as well. I've had to collect rent from people who have given me the workaround, and other weirdos. (Of course, I didn't get paid for any of this).

I understand what impoverished and normal people have to do to survive, and I am very thankful that I don't have to sleep minimal hours.

I'm also asking if you would be willing to wait for 7 years and live that kind of a life? Or should I wait until after I finish med school to find someone? The next 7 years of my life are concrete, and after a few months of being with someone, I would tell her of my plans. I'm just hoping that the majority of people would not run because of the demands.
Last edited by tom1385; September 2,2009 at 10:50pm.
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #3  September 2,2009, 10:42pm
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Coming from a female who's had similar concerns as an academic (with the exception that I do work and parents aren't paying), I'd suggest dating and not waiting until you're done with your program. I put off dating during the first two years of my program because they were pretty intense, but am now dating. I decided that I no longer wanted to put "life" on hold

Rather than wondering whether women would be willing to accept your current lifetstyle and future plans, why not just date and find out? Be forward about your intentions to pursue medical school and to work/travel abroad early on. This will help you determine which women will be willing to see things through with you (e.g., pursue a LTR) and which will not.


....Best wishes
 
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tom1385 is offline tom1385 Post #4  September 2,2009, 10:46pm
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Thanks for the input, I was planning to try it, but I was curious, would you consider me "non-relationship" type material because I do not work and my parents pay my way? I keep hearing women complain about their men being bums, so I don't want to be in that category.

It is very common that many people think that I'm a spoiled kid because my parents bought me everything, but I was born on the streets and still live in dangerous Las Vegas. Even Harvey had the implication that I was a silver spoon kid with no perspective, which I think is pretty common when they hear my parents paid for everything.

Actually, I'm probably more worried about the not having a job issue more than anything. And Harvey also stated I was a bum and needed to get a job, and he is a guy.

I like to be proactive rather than reactive, so rather than going out to date and then finding out she hated me because I didn't work, I'd rather just work in the beginning and have it be a non-issue.

Just so you all know, I appreciate every comment. My fatal flaw is trying to being a perfectionist, always trying to have everything detailed and perfectly planned before anything is done. I like to have control of the situation and sometimes I can't help myself but find every single source of information and perspective :/.
Last edited by tom1385; September 2,2009 at 11:22pm.
 
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tom1385 is offline tom1385 Post #5  September 3,2009, 12:39am
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Well, I don't work for money. I work to help the community. I have plenty of money and I don't need to buy anything.

I live a pretty weird and complicated life in regards to income. I help my family with all their properties and I manage a lot it here in Vegas because they aren't around, but I don't get a paycheck.

I also "work" 20 hours a week tutoring and mentoring kids and a few extra hours at a hospital, but I do it all without pay because I don't need the money. I also work in a research lab at school for 15 hours a week but I do it for academia rather than pay. Would this typically be enough to offset the "I don't work for money?" Or should I just tell them my money is from that? haha.

From my perspective, I really don't see the difference between me putting 40 hours a week into volunteering and lab work on top of school any different than having a job, but then again my perspective is a bit skewed (which is why I'm asking). Of course, I don't know if you or Harvey actually read my entire long winded post because I type too much.

Just so you know, there are many people who go through medical school because of grants or parents paying for them and they don't work. Most med students do volunteer work and research instead. Both my brother and sister went through med school without working a job. Being a physician is supposed to be a noble job, rather than working for money, we work to better the community and life in general.

I guess I should explain the "Asian" culture - typically parents take care of their kids and their school with expectations that their kids would take care of the parents when they work, rather than having a "retirement" fund (well, that part isn't the case with my parents). So in return, I am supposed to help better my community and volunteer with my time rather than try to make extra scrap money that wont even matter. (Does this seem very plausible, or would it be too foreign to accept?)
Last edited by tom1385; September 3,2009 at 1:15am.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  September 3,2009, 2:58am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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The fact that you are "asian" and looking to date a woman from "this hemisphere" is probably more your problem than anything else. Are you seeking out other asian women? ...or american women? I don't intend to make that sound racist, it isn't ...you said yourself, the cultural perspectives are quite a bit different. For asian women - at least the traditional ones - it's perfectly acceptable for you to be doing what you are doing how you are doing it ...for american women, not so much.

For dating, I'm guessing it is acceptable, but for a relationship? No. Women, and I'm not even talking about the gold-digger types here, need to know that you can take care of yourself. Knowing - or believing - that, without your parents, you would likely be a failure is a big issue.

Honestly, I'd stop worrying so much about a 'relationship' and concentrate on your life and maybe a little 'dating'. You sound a little desperate to me and women can pick up on that. There is also the negative stereotype of asians that you have to contend with (I think we all know what I'm talking about) ...not sure how you do that, though.
 
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winn is offline winn Post #7  September 3,2009, 3:20am

Please tell me where I can find a normal man???

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Maybe my perspective is a bit different....I don't see you as a bum because, even though your parents are helping you out in a big way, you are taking the initiative to make something of yourself. I've done a lot of university in my time and studying to become a doctor is a very big committment that takes a lot of hard work and long hours of study, even before you get into the residency part of doctoring. I think people that say you need to get a real job or that you are spoiled or immature are missing the boat.
To answer your question....I don't think you should put your dating life on hold but i do thinkyou should be very honest with any girl you date that this is what your goals are and your parents are helping you go for those goals by helping you financially. As long as you follow through, you are already showing any girl you date that you are responsible and able to provide in the future. I also think it's important that you keep giving back to the community. if you are faithful in all this, there will come a day when you can legitimately start making money again and perhaps repay your parents for the kindness and love they have shown you for helping you achieve your goals. No woman would refuse to see that as a big bonus in a relationship with you.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #8  September 3,2009, 7:13am
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This is a problem. The problem isn't your situation. It isn't even you, OP. Its the fact that anyone that goes into a first date and thinks long term relationship before even getting to know this person. It seems like they're trying to hedge their bet before even beginning on the journey.

For you, OP, I do understand your fears, but really, there shouldn't be any because you're looking way too far in the future. There isn't even a woman in the picture, and you're worrying about success in a long term relationship. If you're going to get hung up on this, you're not going to be successful dating.

As you are in school, you're probably surrounded by like minded individuals. Hopefully, you will meet and date some of these individuals who totally understand the kind of commitment medical school demands. Despite the fact that you think your situation is a obstacle to dating, it isn't. What it is, is that you have an opportunity to do what you want in life without saddling the debt that will come after med school. You have free time as opposed to having to work a part time job just to make ends meet and to face your studies. This gives you the time to date and meet like minded people as i've said above. Many of us in school dated and even had long term relationships with no prospect of future earnings like you have.

I don't believe you should "put your life on hold" to finish medical school. As you said, that's 7 years from now. You will find that a lot happens in 7 years. If you take your approach, and wait until you're "financially available" to have a relationship, you're going to find that you're seven years behind the times and even possibly missing out on "the one" that you met in medical school that could have followed you all the way. More than likely, you'll find that in 7 years, another major obstacle will present itself that you think you'll need to overcome first.

Besides, here is another aspect you should consider. When dating, do not disclose financial information. The person your dating should NOT know that your family supports you. The person should not know that you how you are paying for med school. The person should NOT know how you "make a living" as long as you are not imposing on them to do so.

My current girlfriend only has a hint of how much i make and I like to keep it that way. She has a hint of how much i'm worth, but nothing conclusive. This dating situation is NO different than relationships back 10 years ago for me financially. My dates typically had no idea how much i was making, or IF I was making anything at all. Financial information has always been a very personal issue for me and if a woman requires a financial disclosure form for me to date her, then I'm not going to date her.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #9  September 3,2009, 7:15am
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I don't think you fall into the category of a "bum" that most women stay away from. If you were sitting home on the couch every day and your parents were paying for you, that would be different. medical school takes a lot of time, concentration and is a lot of pressure and if you have the ability to not have to work while going through that, I think it's great. Also, I think it says a lot of your character to volunteer so much of your free time so that's great as well.

I don't think you should put your dating life on hold until your done with school and should get out there now. It might be difficult to have a steady relationship with so much going on in your life but if you meet the "right one" then I'm sure you'll both figure out a way to make it work. I would definitely be upfront with anyone you date, but don't spill all your plans in your first or second date because that might scare a woman away. I would wait a few dates and if you're continuing to see the same person after a few weeks, then get into all these details.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  September 3,2009, 7:38am
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Your parent's ability to pay for your schooling is good for you and does not make you a spoiled brat - it simply means that you won't graduate with six figure loans looming over your head. It is not uncommon for parents to plan for college expenses and to provide for their kid's future in that respect. For those of us who are not so lucky.....well...we don't exactly pay for med school with our part time job, we pay for it via massive loans that will burden us for a long long time. So you really need to lose the attitude you seem to have about your situation and actually appreciate what you are getting out this deal.

To be honest, I would easily date you because you are intelligent, because you do have a plan and a future, because I hope that by going to med school you have some quality of kindness and caring about humanity. I don't mind at all dating someone who works long hours and quite frankly the right woman will support you through the tough times of residency instead of getting in your way of it. Emphasis on the right woman.

Here is my dealbreaker though - for whatever absurd personal reason you don't see yourself as a successful person that you are. You have a major chip on your shoulder about your parents paying for your educations and finances. Your posts scream of serious issues that I would not want to "fix" or deal with.

Since you are intelligent, lose the attitude, work on your self esteem, get out and have fun and focus on med school. Get out and date and don't look at every single date as the potential wife. When you meet the right one, things will flow and it will all be right and work out, but you have to be open for that to happen. If you are paralyzed by the attitudes you've described in your posts.....well....it will never happen for you.
 
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