I think I have come to a decision.


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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #11  September 3,2009, 6:21pm
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is trying not to

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I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy for all involved. It is truly a loss and will forever change your daughter's views on life. Be prepared.

As far as your bf, I think you both do more expecting than communicating. I would not base your decision either way on this unfortunate situation. No one really knows how to handle accidental death. Let this pass and give yourself time to grieve. Stay in touch with him if you need to but tell him how you feel, what you need, ask him for his time, his call, his touch. It will come to make sense and then you will be able to decide.
 
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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #12  September 3,2009, 6:26pm
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1passionatefem wrote :
Well, he has only called me once to see how I was doing and that was on Monday night. This has shown me alot that if he cared and was there for me the communication would have been more. I decided a couple weeks ago that I was going to give him the space he needed and let him contact me to get together and do things. This lack of communication on his part really shows me how much he cares about me. When he needed me through his move and to talk I was there for him and now when I need him-almost poof.

Am I on the right track here?
Are you sure you aren't just looking for a reason to sack this guy? When you were helping him with his move, was he calling and asking for your help and/or advice constantly, or were you just providing these things without request? And, do you really think the two situations are the same, and is this really a matter of quid pro quo?

Your instincts might be sound about him and the relationship, but I think the evidence against him as related to the young woman's death is a bit weak. You got the call on a Saturday morning, and he checked in with you on a Monday; OK, where is the problem with that? Unless you've asked him to participate further (i.e., could you pick up my dry cleaning, or I could use some help with feeding the daughter's friends), he probably has no idea what your expectations are in this intensely sad, tragic and emotional situation.

I know from recent, personal experience, when it comes to grief and death, many people simply don't know what to do, and usually wait from some sign or request from those experiencing the loss. (BTW, not many men are going to bring a covered dish over and sit in the living room while the household is in major grief mode.) Thus, for all you know, his past experience in dealing with such a tragic situation is to stay away.

In my opinion, you should focus on yourself and your daughter for the time being and leave any decisions about your relationship with this guy for a future date when the emotional field isn't so crowded with minefields.
 
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Buzz_Mooney is offline Buzz_Mooney Post #13  September 4,2009, 10:58am
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Had I found myself in his situation, just beginning a relationship when a close family member suddenly dies, I would be inclined to take my cues form the woman. To do anything like go over to her house, help with arrangements, etc. unasked, would feel like I was forcing my way into someone else's life. After all, who am I? I don't know the girl or her family; I'm a complete stranger to most of the people involved. What I feel he should have done, is say "Please, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I'll check back in with you in a couple of days", and it sounds like he may have done exactly that. Perhaps he's trying to NOT invade your life at the worst possible moment.
 
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