skpowell3 is offline skpowell3 Post #1  September 1,2009, 3:48pm
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Well I will turn to you guys for the answers to my questions, I have asked my friends, co-workers etc...and they all say........Just move on!!! I have been "best friends" with this guy for 3 years(best friend with benefits) and he recently met a girl that he has know for 2 years that he met camping 2 years ago, he claims he hasn't talked to her in 2 years and when she came to visit, its like she never was gone?? So now he has decided to date her. He says,.....nothing changes with our friendship except no more benefits. So I feel hurt at this point because in over 3 years I guess I fell in love. He has told this girl we were nothing but friends, no sex involved or anything just friends, so we could continue being friends. I was hurt and told her the truth, she confronted him and now he says he hates me, I lied, he never did anything with me and I was never a friend or anything!! And in all this I still love him and hope that maybe just maybe he will back. Am I wrong? How do I move on? I feel like I lost the best thing in the world, but was he really? Opinions wanted........SKP
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  September 1,2009, 4:11pm
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Welcome to the boards, skpowell3.

You sound young to me. Whenever FWB happens, there's the potential that someone is going to get hurt, especially if one person develops feelings and the other one doesn't. If that other person goes out and finds someone he/she would like to date, the other person is pretty much left in the dust.

In all honesty, the people telling you to forget him and move on are right. He is gone. The odds that he will ever trust you as a friend again...slim to none. You lashed out (it doesn't matter that he was less than honest with her, it doesn't matter that you care about him and that you were mad, and it doesn't matter if you think he was wrong in what he told her) and it wasn't your place to say anything. Your actions were probably viewed as being spiteful. Additionally, you damaged his relationship with this woman. Granted, being dishonest wasn't a bright move on his part, but this isn't your issue to deal with, it's his. You overstepped your bounds, and you can't take it back.

Forget him, forget about him being your friend, and forget about anything ever developing here. It's done. Sorry to be so harsh, but it is what it is. Move on and find happiness with someone who wants to be with you in the same way that you want to be with them. Cut your ties and leave him to sink on his own.

Best of luck to you.
Last edited by brneyedangel; September 1,2009 at 4:15pm.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #3  September 1,2009, 4:12pm
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I would try to have a conversation with your friend and tell him how you feel about him and that you told the girl he's dating the truth because you were upset that he is now dating her. IMO, you probably shouldnt have said anything to the girl and I can see why your friend is upset with you. He didnt tell his new girl about your physical relationship because he didn't want her to be jealous and ask him to end your friendship. While it's not a good start to a relationship for him to be lying to her, he did it to preserve what he had with you. And you basically stabbed your friend in the back by telling this girl, who means nothing to you, and jeopardized his relationship which in turn backfired on you and now jeopardized your friendship. You probably should have just gone to your friend from the beginning and expressed your feelings for him and never said a thing to the girl but you can't take it back now.

I think whenever friendships are FwB, it sort of muddies the friendship. Why did he never pursue a relationship with you in those 3 years? And why didn't you ever tell him how you felt before he found someone else?

My suggestion would be to talk to your friend and if he wont talk to you then write it in a letter. If your friendship means that much to him, he won't ignore you if your letter is genuine and honest. Or just wait it out and hope his relationship with this girl doesnt work out and at that time you can try to rekindle things again. I think if his feelings for you are the same as your feelings for him, he will end this other relationship because it hasnt been going on very long. But before you talk to him about anything, I would take a step back and make sure you are sure about your feelings for him. You might just be shocked he found someone or maybe just scared of losing the security of having him there, and not necessarily that you're in love with him.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #4  September 1,2009, 4:32pm
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You both got what you wanted out of your "friendship" and that's no-strings sex. Unfortunantly, you didn't play by the rules you two set up and developed feelings. You can't blame him nor (like brneyedangl said) was it right to have talked to his new girlfriend. I'm sorry you lost your friend only to realize that he is what you wanted all along.
But maybe he isn't what you really want. In all the time you were trading "benefits" did it ever occur to you to try and take it to another emotional level with him and actually date? No. There might be a reason for this. Think about that and for now, chalk this one up as casualty of getting involved with someone intimately in a way that's unhealthy and lesson learned for next time.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  September 1,2009, 4:33pm
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I'm afraid I'm going to have to be like all those others who tell you to...Just move on!!!

It doesn't matter how much time you put in. He wants somebody else. This can happen to people who've been married for 20 years. If you haven't been able to make him love you in three years, it's simply not going to happen. For your own good, you should...Just move on!!!

I'm assuming you are both pretty young. He hoped to get by with lying to her and keeping you as a friend. That right there tells me he's not mature enough to be a man. A man would have owned his part in your relationship, cut you loose, and gone with her.

I can't imagine what you hoped to gain by telling her the truth. Did you think he would Thank You for showing him to be a liar? That's not how it works, and it's really a shame you had to learn that the hard way. You were vindictive, and I'm sure you're not proud of yourself for that.

I don't say that to put you down. I just know that people usually don't think well of themselves when they act in ways that are less than honorable.

If it's any consolation to you, his relationship with her probably won't last. It began in lies, and something will break them up sooner or later. But I wouldn't wait around for that to happen, if I were you. I don't think he will forgive you for what you did. And even if he did come crawling back, you know he doesn't love you.

In the long run, you really should hold out for a man who will love you back, and bring out the best in you. This man brings out the worst (vindictiveness), and that's not good for you.

I usually don't care whether people follow the advice I give. But I do in your case, because I really don't feel you two belong together.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #6  September 1,2009, 4:33pm
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You both got what you wanted out of your "friendship" and that's no-strings sex. Unfortunantly, you didn't play by the rules you two set up and developed feelings. You can't blame him nor (like brneyedangl said) was it right to have talked to his new girlfriend. I'm sorry you lost your friend only to realize that he is what you wanted all along.
But maybe he isn't what you really want. In all the time you were trading "benefits" did it ever occur to you to try and take it to another emotional level with him and actually date? No. There might be a reason for this. Think about that and for now, chalk this one up as casualty of getting involved with someone intimately in a way that's unhealthy and lesson learned for next time.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #7  September 1,2009, 6:27pm

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brneyedangel wrote :
Welcome to the boards, skpowell3.

You sound young to me. Whenever FWB happens, there's the potential that someone is going to get hurt, especially if one person develops feelings and the other one doesn't. If that other person goes out and finds someone he/she would like to date, the other person is pretty much left in the dust.

In all honesty, the people telling you to forget him and move on are right. He is gone. The odds that he will ever trust you as a friend again...slim to none. You lashed out (it doesn't matter that he was less than honest with her, it doesn't matter that you care about him and that you were mad, and it doesn't matter if you think he was wrong in what he told her) and it wasn't your place to say anything. Your actions were probably viewed as being spiteful. Additionally, you damaged his relationship with this woman. Granted, being dishonest wasn't a bright move on his part, but this isn't your issue to deal with, it's his. You overstepped your bounds, and you can't take it back.

Forget him, forget about him being your friend, and forget about anything ever developing here. It's done. Sorry to be so harsh, but it is what it is. Move on and find happiness with someone who wants to be with you in the same way that you want to be with them. Cut your ties and leave him to sink on his own.

Best of luck to you.
Very well put, BrneyedAngel. Excellent post!!!
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #8  September 1,2009, 6:33pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I'm afraid I'm going to have to be like all those others who tell you to...Just move on!!!

It doesn't matter how much time you put in. He wants somebody else. This can happen to people who've been married for 20 years. If you haven't been able to make him love you in three years, it's simply not going to happen. For your own good, you should...Just move on!!!

I'm assuming you are both pretty young. He hoped to get by with lying to her and keeping you as a friend. That right there tells me he's not mature enough to be a man. A man would have owned his part in your relationship, cut you loose, and gone with her.

I can't imagine what you hoped to gain by telling her the truth. Did you think he would Thank You for showing him to be a liar? That's not how it works, and it's really a shame you had to learn that the hard way. You were vindictive, and I'm sure you're not proud of yourself for that.

I don't say that to put you down. I just know that people usually don't think well of themselves when they act in ways that are less than honorable.

If it's any consolation to you, his relationship with her probably won't last. It began in lies, and something will break them up sooner or later. But I wouldn't wait around for that to happen, if I were you. I don't think he will forgive you for what you did. And even if he did come crawling back, you know he doesn't love you.

In the long run, you really should hold out for a man who will love you back, and bring out the best in you. This man brings out the worst (vindictiveness), and that's not good for you.

I usually don't care whether people follow the advice I give. But I do in your case, because I really don't feel you two belong together.
There is nothing wrong with that lie IMO.

Who knows if that relationship will last but that would have nothing to do with the lie about his sexual history with his friend.

Why would he tell his new woman information that would ultimately lead to the end of the old friendship with the OP? I would say that a huge percentage of people would not want their new date to remain friends with a recent sex partner. That is pretty much guaranteeing that this person will be out of your life for quite a while if not ever.

I think that is completely unwise.
 
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DeBrown is offline DeBrown Post #9  September 1,2009, 6:59pm
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Hi,

I have to agree with the majority-- move on! There is absolutely no point whatsoever in trying to contact him one last time-- you are going to start looking creepy, like a stalker, if you do.

You blew it big time. So what? I guarantee every single person here, including me, has blown it big time at some point in our love lives!

In my opinion, it is very difficult, if not impossible, for a woman to have a FWB for such a long period of time without developing feelings.

But this guy made the rules clear... it was a FWB relationship and nothing more. If there is one thing I know for sure-- if a guy says he's not in love with you, or he only wants a FWB relationship-- believe him. No matter how much you WANT him to fall in love with you, or think you can MAKE him fall in love, with great sex or gifts, or being there for him, or whatever... IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. When they say they aren't in love.... they are not, and nothing is going to change their minds.

It was way over the line for you to contact the new GF and tell her about you. I agree with the person that said he is immature to handle it this way, he should be man enough to tell her the truth, but on the other hand, it was totally not your place to do that for him.

Forget him. Grieve, cry, go out with your girlfriends, and then.... move on!

Sorry to be so blunt, but as I said, we've all made stupid mistakes in our lives, and I guarantee you will live through this. :-)
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #10  September 1,2009, 7:09pm
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I know it is easy for everyone to say move on. It is not our heart that is hurting. But you deserve someone that wants to be with you for more than just FWB.

Consider this a life lesson and decide what you want that you didn't get from this relationship.

Consider this a relationship lesson and decide what qualities you want from a partner that you didn't get see in this person. Honesty would be at the top of my list.

Consider taking some time to process it before jumping to the next relationship.

Hope you realize you deserve better and I hope you find it!
 
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