firstdate is offline firstdate Post #1  September 1,2009, 3:27pm
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I've been on E-harmony for a couple months, and recently met a very sweet woman. We started talking and went on a first date, and hit it off pretty well. I hadn't dated in a long time so I was quite caught up in the thrill of it all. We've only been dating for about two weeks now, and we've seen each other almost every day.

Here's the problem: I don't think I'm ready for a commited relationship yet. In fact, based on how I've felt for the past few days, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship at all. I've discovered that I'm not as physically attracted to this girl as I thought I was (though she is attractive, it's just not there for me). I've also felt overwhelmed with the huge change in the pace of my life since I've met her. I know she's not the girl for me at this point. What I don't know is how to tell her this without hurting her. The very, VERY last thing I want to do is hurt this woman. Any advice on how to handle it? I know it's only been a couple weeks but we've made enough contact with eachother to develop a small emotional attachment...
 
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snowygirl is offline snowygirl Post #2  September 1,2009, 8:08pm
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Hi! The first thing you need to do is be honest with her. Being honest, even though it may hurt is the best thing. It's only been two weeks, and she may be upset, but she will get over you and move on. You should be upfront with her, but be gentle and sincere.

Secondly, get off eHarmony if you are not looking for a relationship. I have first-handedly fallen in love with someone from eHarmony who realized one year into our relationship that he did not love me and he was not ready for a long-term relationship. Don't pretend - listen to you gut. You will know when it's time.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  September 1,2009, 8:48pm

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It's been a long time since you've dated? Were you married or in jail? " We've only been dating for about two weeks now, and we've seen each other almost every day." My question is why? Has anyone forced you to see her every day?
Your post is absolutely ridicules, unless it's love at first sight, there is no one in there that has a problem of a similar in nature. " Here's the problem: I don't think I'm ready for a commited relationship yet. In fact, based on how I've felt for the past few days, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship at all."

Have you been intimate with her? The first few weeks is a getting to know you process, to see if you can become friends first. If you don't feel the emotional attraction, you move on to make new lady or male friends, but no one makes a commitment after only 2 or 3 weeks. What do you tell her? I like you as a friend or nothing at all and move on.

In truth, I don't think that you know anything at all about dating and what a relationship means to people. Have you set any goals for yourself? What are you trying to accomplish with your time on eh?
You lack basic knowledge and maybe you need to read some books or take a course or two to broaden your horizons. Actually if one of our mature lady's might give you some lessons would be a blessing of sorts for you.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; September 1,2009 at 9:37pm.
 
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DeBrown is offline DeBrown Post #4  September 1,2009, 9:11pm
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Hi Firstdate,

Snowygirl is right on. You need to break it off right now, and do it honestly. Face to face would be best.

Be completely honest and unwavering. Don't say "maybe in the future" or anything like that. Make it absolutely clear you have decided this won't work.

Something like "I have really enjoyed my time with you and you are a wonderful woman. However, I have decided I am just not ready to have a relationship at this time and I am ending our relationship as of now. I wish you all the best of luck in the future in finding the right man for you."

She'll be hurt, but she will live. Don't have any further communication with her, that would only muddy the situation.

Although I think Harvey was entriely too harsh on you, I do agree with him that seeing her every single day for the first 2 or 3 weeks is taking things a little fast. No wonder you're dizzy! :-) If you date in the future, take it much slower!!!

Also I agree with snowy that you should get off of eHarmony. It is for people who are ready for a serious, long-term relationship.

Best of luck to you!! :-)
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #5  September 1,2009, 10:22pm
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You don't have to get off of eHarmony. eHarmony is a dating site, meant to find dates. If they become relationships, all the better.

With that said, just be up front and open. And you just need to accept that her feelings may be hurt. Tell her you don't think she's right for you so you can both move on.
 
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86CJ7 is offline 86CJ7 Post #6  September 2,2009, 12:20pm

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[quote=firstdate;726949]I don't think I'm ready for a commited relationship quote]

Be honest with her and yourself
 
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mercury12 is offline mercury12 Post #7  September 2,2009, 1:06pm
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geez Harvey, lighten up
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #8  September 2,2009, 2:27pm
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Firstdate - is it possible that things are moving way too fast for her too and she is having similar thoughts to yours?

Making momentous decisions like "always and forever" or "never in a blue moon" with only 2 weeks experience in a relationship falls way short of Genius.

Maybe you could give some thught to sitting down with her and saying what you posted here - that you've suddenly gone from "Park" to "Overdrive" and it is a struggle for you to deal with. Ask her if maybe the two of you could try to "find yur stride" - a stride that is more sustainable than the initial glandular fireworks. She may surprise you not only because she has been thinking the same thing but maybe she knows a way to try to steady the boat a bit.

Don't be too quick to make yourself a vicitm of our Society's bass-ackwards idea that people are disposable.

Local opinion(s) may vary

Good luck !
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #9  September 2,2009, 2:34pm
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I agree with the other posters. Be honest with YOURSELF and with her. It's ok to have discovered that you are not interested in a relationship right now as long as you communicate that to her.

With that said, based on your comment that you have seen each other almost every day for 2-3 weeks, and you are feeling overwhelmed, sounds like you may have some boundary issues. Do you ever find yourself saying, "yes" when you really would rather say "no?"

Always be honest with your feelings and open with your communication. You are not responsible for how other people feel, but you are responsible for communicating honestly about your own feelings. If you don't want to see her anymore, own that, and tell her immediately, face-to-face.

Will she be hurt? Possibly. OR Maybe she will be relieved too.

Best of luck to you.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #10  September 2,2009, 2:39pm
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got her profile back! Thank you tech guy! :-)

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Seneca wrote :
Firstdate - is it possible that things are moving way too fast for her too and she is having similar thoughts to yours?

Making momentous decisions like "always and forever" or "never in a blue moon" with only 2 weeks experience in a relationship falls way short of Genius.

Maybe you could give some thught to sitting down with her and saying what you posted here - that you've suddenly gone from "Park" to "Overdrive" and it is a struggle for you to deal with. Ask her if maybe the two of you could try to "find yur stride" - a stride that is more sustainable than the initial glandular fireworks. She may surprise you not only because she has been thinking the same thing but maybe she knows a way to try to steady the boat a bit.

Don't be too quick to make yourself a vicitm of our Society's bass-ackwards idea that people are disposable.

Local opinion(s) may vary

Good luck !
+1
This local agrees!
 
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