Please help me...I'm at a loss..


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jacsmit is offline jacsmit Post #31  September 1,2009, 3:00pm
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KiskaKitty wrote :
Seems to me he's trying to let you down gently. It may feel like you have a really good connection to him, but how well do you REALLY know him? You said you've only been going out a couple of months. I think sometimes people see a lot of potential in the early stages of dating, that when things go south they're afraid to let go of that dream. Keep both eyes open, don't contact him. If he truly wants to be with you he knows where to find you.
Hmmm, couldn't get multiquote to work - pretend the text messages are up there too - to which KK responded...

OP, factor in what you're thinking/feeling along with what the other folks have said - but I have to tell you that I very much agree with the above. I used to be a "nice guy" and those are exactly the things I would say when I wasn't into a girl any more, but wasn't assertive/strong enough to tell her directly. I was hoping she would break up with me, so I could get out of the work/pain/etc in doing it. I'm not proud of it - and am now much more direct/clear on things - but I'm talking from experience on this.

I'd recommend being clear and direct with him - about your thoughts/feelings/intentions/the-situation/etc - and then asking him whatever you believe is the best question(s) at that time (how long will this take? do you still want us to be together? - whatever is most appropriate) - and then based on his answer (not just the content but also the way it's delivered - body language, tone, hesitations, etc) - decide with your heart, gut, mind - what you think is right, and go with that - be it sticking with him, or breaking up (and maybe this wouldn't be a forever thing - maybe he'd realize what he was losing after he's had some time alone).
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #32  September 1,2009, 3:59pm
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jacsmmit-Thanks for the male perspective. I don't think that he is the type to not be direct with me. He's actually, quite the opposite and very blunt and direct in most cases. I do think there is a chance he would rather I just end things because he doesnt feel he can offer me anything right now and maybe is hoping I just give up. I tend to look out for other people too much and that is many times to my own detriment. So i am still thinking right now that most of his actions come from his very poor childhood and self worth (or lack there of) at the moment. I think he feels like he has too many problems and too much baggage and I dont and should just find better. If I walk away then I am proving to him (which he probably wants) that everyone walks away, just like he experienced with his own family. I'm trying to show him that I will be with him thru the good and the bad and it's okay to show me his weaknesses. Many times before this happened, he would say that nothing bothers me and am I really as good as I seem. This understanding and caring on my part though, can only go for so long. Im not going to continue to be a mind reader etc. What is needed at this point is a conversation between us. I am not forcing it though and am waiting for him to initiate it. When we do talk, I plan to lay out my feelings/thoughts etc. When we talked about 3 weeks ago about how he was feeling, he did say he wanted things to work between us and is working things out on his end. I honestly dont believe he wants to lose me but just cant handle focusing on me at this point. If he were acting like a jerk, out with other women, telling me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me etc, then I wouldnt even have started this post. But this isnt the case here..which almost makes it that much muddier.

To OverAnalyzer-I do have many hobbies and sporting activities I am engaged in, in addition to trying to start up my own company while I am unemployed. I've hardly turned him into a job. He really doesnt know the extent of how hurtful this entire thing is to me, although I'm sure he is aware. I havent been bothering, harassing or crying my heart out to him. I was using this post to get out how I was feeling and also get some other perspectives but he definitely doesn't have any idea how I'm dealing with things and have tried to stay very upbeat with all communication with him.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #33  September 1,2009, 7:33pm
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Well just to update anyone who cares to read this...he called me tonight and we had a long talk. He basically said he wants me to do whats best for me and he's concerned because of how things have been between us and he knows it isnt fair to me but he has to have it this way. He said he ultimately wants to work through his issues and have things work out with us but he can't guarantee that. He said the issues he's dealing with have nothing to do with me and have always been there but he ignored them because he was busy with work and just kept moving along in life. But now things are different and he isn't happy with himself so can't make me happy. He said he wasn't calling me or asking me to hang out because he doesnt want me to get the impression that we're progressing because he can't handle being in a relationship right now. He admitted that if I was doing this to him he doesnt think he would be responding the way I am. He said at this point he doesnt want to be around anyone, it isn't just me and is only doing activities alone.

I told him I want to be there for him if/when he needs it and am not expecting anything from him right now. I admitted this isn't what I want and am of course hurt but I'm not going to just walk away because he's going through a tough time. If he needs to take some time to himself then that is fine and we will just see how things go. I really am not in any position to date anyone else right now anyway so I dont think it makes sense to completely cut all ties. I will just concentrate on my own stuff and let some time go by and regroup and decide from there. Who knows, he might get out of this funk or I might move on without even realizing it.

But I appreciate all the feedback I've received from everyone. It definitely helped me make some decisions.
 
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PetiteNSweet is offline PetiteNSweet Post #34  September 1,2009, 8:17pm
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Hi Sawyer,

I know your relationship ran a longer course than mine. I went out with this guy one time. The Red Flags went up on that first date dinner. I should have put the Red Flags up during our Guided Communication instead of waiting. What he put in his profile about
how he can easily handle conflicts was nothing more than to make himself look good. He's about to lose his high paying job shortly and
in his words: "I'm totally stressed out". His contradiction made me sick. In his profile he repeatedly stated that he totally beleived in
communication and his was a great listener and he wanted a long term
relationship. Another pack of lies to make himself look good in a profile. I called him once after that first date. Left him my email
address. Never heard from him again and I couldn't be happier.I even offered to help him firnd a job if he needed my friendship and help.
I certainly don't need his. Listen to eHarmony's advice. RED FLAGS. Don't stress yourself out. You are trying to help him. Be a
good person to him and trying to save a relationship that started out
great. If he's so stressed; then he wouldn't want to even hang out with his friends. He needs to get off his butt and find a job instead hanging out with his friends. And his complaints about how he's afraid of being lied to and cheated on because of past experiences is all a cop
out. Tell him to grow up and stop using cop outs that have been used
and abused way too often. Everyone of us has had past bad experiences. In order to move on we need to put the past on the shelf, learn from it and move on. Find someone that deserves you.
Don't settle for someone who doesn't And please; just my opinion,
stop calling him. He's probably out there laughing with his friends yet
when you call him, he's acting as if he has been nominated for an
Academy Award. A healthy relationship means that two people share
the good times and the bad times and lean on one another for support. He wants out. Now show him the door.

Good luck and don't get stressed.

"No man is worth your tears and the one that is will never make you cry".
 
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