Please help me...I'm at a loss..


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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #11  August 30,2009, 1:46pm
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Geetysburg-Thanks for the response. He is not unemployed yet. His employer is giving him a little time to look for another job so he is still at the same one that is letting him go and because of his profession, works very long hours.

Based on the advice I am getting, it seems like everyone thinks you just bail when your partner is going through a tough time. He has told me time and time again this has nothing to do with me and our relationship. But I see your point, I am wasting time on a hopeless situation...at least for now.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #12  August 30,2009, 1:49pm
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Also, i don't want to seem like I am a naive person because I truly normally am not. The thing that keeps me from just walking away so easily is that, 1. we had a great relationship before he found out about his job, 2. he has had so many people let him down in life, and 3. is a wonderful man by all other accounts than how he is acting in this current scenario.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #13  August 30,2009, 1:55pm
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I'm curious to know... Do you know if he has been diagnosed with depression (now or in the past)?
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #14  August 30,2009, 1:57pm
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Sawyer76 wrote :
Also, i don't want to seem like I am a naive person because I truly normally am not. The thing that keeps me from just walking away so easily is that, 1. we had a great relationship before he found out about his job, 2. he has had so many people let him down in life, and 3. is a wonderful man by all other accounts than how he is acting in this current scenario.

I feel obligated to again point your full attention to NUMBER 3 "THIS CURRENT SITUATION" and you say he is not actually unemplyed yet?? PLEASE LOOK AT THIS FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS......HUGE RED FLAG WAVING!!

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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #15  August 30,2009, 2:15pm
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I don't know if he has been now or in the past diagnosed with depression. He mentioned to me in the past that he would never take pills because he thinks they are for weak people so I can only assume it was suggested to him and he turned it down. I do believe (from my own diagnosis of him) that he has anxiety issues and he has admitted to having severe sleep deprivation where he often goes nights without sleep and this is also something he refuses to take pills for.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #16  August 30,2009, 2:22pm
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Sawyer,

First, I want to say that I'm so sorry for the pain you are so clearly experiencing with this. I hope you will believe that the rest of what I have to say is no way meant to pick on or blame you; it's perfectly normal that you would want to hang on to someone who seemed so perfect for you.

That said, I disagree with those who responded that he may be "playing" you and/or that he just can't commit. From what you've written, though he may have his share of baggage to work through (and who hasn't/doesn't?), he is showing maturity and responsibility for facing and trying to deal with some major obstacles that have arisen, and he's doing that one thing we women are constantly saying we wish men would do more of better - communicating!! He's even going to therapy... how many women have wished obviously troubled men they've been in relationships with would do that??

I agree with him that he is telling you exactly what's wrong, but you're not listening... or, rather, you're not really hearing. He is saying that these other issues (job, past insecurities) require all of his focus and energy to deal with right now, so that he doesn't have enough left to give you in a serious, committed relationship.

Of course the time he's still spending doing casual stuff with his buddies and whatever else you said are different - they don't cause him any additional undue stress the way any new, serious relationship does if you're trying to build/hang on to it in the midst of major life changes/upsets. Those other things are distractions from his burdens, ways that he can release some of his anxiety. He doesn't have to worry about letting them down or risk losing them.... and he may not care as much.

As much as it hurts, I think the best thing you can do is let go - let him know that you're there if he wants to talk if you think you can do that, but otherwise, stop calling and texting.

I'm not saying he will follow through and deal successfully with his issues - I don't know him and certainly can't know that. But from what you've shared with us it sounds as though he's at least trying, and more importantly, as much as it hurts, he is being honest enough to tell you that he can't give you what you want/need from him, at least for now.

I truly hope that one way or another, it all works out for the best for both of you.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #17  August 30,2009, 6:24pm
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Thank you Work in Progress. You really spelled things out in a way that makes a lot of sense to me. I agree, I am not listening to him or hearing him...probably because I dont want to accept it. What you mention about the reasons why he is able to hang out with his friends is exactly what he has said to me. I do believe we will eventually be together like we were but in the meantime I guess I should just back off.
 
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dietpepsi is offline dietpepsi Post #18  August 30,2009, 7:50pm
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I can't put my finger on what the root cause is -- but if he respects you as a person and values you as a member of his support group, you should hear from him every 2 weeks until he sorts things out.

You should leave him alone and just do your own thing for a while. Your last communication should be short, positive and supportive.

If 3 weeks passes by without hearing from him, then there's your answer.
Last edited by dietpepsi; August 30,2009 at 7:54pm.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #19  August 31,2009, 7:58am
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Thanks dietpepsi. I do believe he respects me as a person. He tells me all the time how he thinks I'm the best person he's ever met and he thinks I'm great. Since this all started, I hear from him like every few days but usually a text that says something like "I'm sorry I'm not there for you. You definitely deserve more than I can give you right now". To which I reply, that he doesnt need to apologize and that I am here for him.

After much analysis on my end, I'm starting to think the root cause of the problem is that I was the only one he told about his job situation and I thought I was being understanding by telling him everything happens for a reason, your job doesnt define you etc. But at the same time, I was still pushing him to go out every weekend and getting mad at him when he didn't want to do anything. He kept telling me he wasnt in the mood to be around people. Or he would say he didn't want to go too far from home. I was definitely giving him a hard time and telling him I was tired of doing nothing (because we did that for several weekends). So looking back, he kept saying I wasn't listening to him and now I see, I wasn't. I should have been more understanding about what he was going through and realized there will always be more weekends and he needed to deal with this the way he felt comfortable, not the way I wanted him to. I was just trying to take the optimistic approach to dealing with him problem and I pushed him so much to do things, that he eventually started to tell me to make my own plans on the weekend because he didn't want to commit to anything in advance...and that's when this all started going downhill. After several weekends of him not wanting to see me, I complained more, he pulled back more, called less etc.
 
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chefertiti is offline chefertiti Post #20  August 31,2009, 8:42am
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I truly believe that when a man, at the early stages of a relationship tells a woman about all of his previous baggage; abuse, bad relationships where he was lied to and cheated on by his partner and he did absolutely nothing wrong--he's laying ground work. He gets you to look at him as the poor, wounded creature who needs you to save him, be especially sensitive to his needs and provide for him (as demonstrated by your "helping" him look for other employment, when you should be focusing on your own job search). Then when he decides to leave the relationship, he can point out his previous history and how it has damaged him to the point that he cannot sustain a healthy romantic relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I am not denying the fact that there are people who come from truly horrendous backgrounds. Is he one of them? Who knows?

I am curious, is your friend losing his job because of the economy or because his job performance is not up to snuff?

I find it interesting that you have posted to this board seeking advice, but you have rejected the advice from the posters who have not quite told you what you want to hear.

I think that the man in question is trying in a gentle way to tell you that he no longer wants to pursue a relationship with you, as evidenced by his failing to return your calls and his un-willingness to spend time with you. I would let it go. But I get the distinct impression that you are going to continue calling him; forcing him to be a bit more blunt, and hurtful in getting his message across.
 
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