Understated is offline Understated Post #1  August 26,2009, 6:53pm
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Ok, we all think about it to one degree or another. Sex is not love, and love is not sex, but the two go together often enough that we sometimes confuse them. When we love someone, or are attracted to someone, the idea of having sex comes up. If you are in a commited relationship, it is ideal if both partners are of the same disposition concerning this. So here is the question, how does the subject come up?

How do you find out if the person you are with has the same ideas as you? If you bring up sex, you risk having them think "I knew it, this is about getting laid!". If you don't broach the subject, you risk having them think "What's wrong? Why isn't this person interested?". So, what are ways to bring up sex without the other person assuming you have a motive or assuming you have no interest if you don't bring it up?

I have a personal interest in this. I have been in a sexless marriage for 7 of the last 12 years, and not much after the first year. Anyone who has read my posts knows why. So, when the time comes, after my wife and I divorce, and I have taken time to rediscover myself, and unload some of my personal emotional baggage, I will be dating again and will run into this problem. I admit, I am a sexual person. However, when I am lucky enough to find someone new to share my life with, I would hate to chase them off by having them assume that having sex is my goal.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  August 26,2009, 7:21pm
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I think that connecting on an emotional and intellectual level first makes for a simpler transition to intimacy . I'm not a woman, but I would imagine that for women intimacy channels a much different thought process than it does for men. Women have to find that comfort level with you, and that is often done through a bond which doesn't involve intimacy (at least for the decent women out there). Try to fast-forward past the intellectual and emotional connection, and you won't have enough stepping-stones to walk on to cross that pond and get to intimacy. You'll be flailing.

Approach a relationship the right way, and establish effective communication with a potential mate, and it will create less confusion down the line. Take the time to find a mate who's truly right for you, and you will fare even better. Best of luck.
 
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keepitreal43 is offline keepitreal43 Post #3  August 27,2009, 5:07pm
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I can't speak for all women, only myself.

Sex is very important to me and not to thrown around like a wet dishtowel. I am sharing myself with that someone and it is therefore important to me. I think women to tend to emtionalize it more than men do. We have to be pretty comfortable with you.

I think in a relationship, it is important as well as in a marriage. When there is no sex, I really belive you lose that intimacy and the relationship starts breaking down. (at least that is how my marriage ended).
 
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Diann1950 is online now Diann1950 Post #4  August 27,2009, 6:46pm
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keepitreal43 wrote :
I can't speak for all women, only myself.

Sex is very important to me and not to thrown around like a wet dishtowel. I am sharing myself with that someone and it is therefore important to me. I think women to tend to emtionalize it more than men do. We have to be pretty comfortable with you.

I think in a relationship, it is important as well as in a marriage. When there is no sex, I really belive you lose that intimacy and the relationship starts breaking down. (at least that is how my marriage ended).
I have to agree with you, many women need the security of a committed relationship to be comfortable with sex. That doesn't mean those of us doing without are not wanting it every bit as much as any guy. Some of us have been out of dating, in relationships that weren't full and complete and now are just trying to find our way back to what most people would consider normal. It takes a while and hope it will come naturally when the time is right.
 
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