How do you know when to end a friendship?


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cutie5633 is offline cutie5633 Post #1  August 25,2009, 1:07am
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I met this guy outside of this club, a little over a month ago. We exchanged numbers, and a couple days later he told me that he has a girlfriend.... so we just agreed to be friends. As the weeks went on...I started to like him as a person... he talked about some of the things that he was going thru... and even though I hadn't gone thru some of the things he talked about, I deeply empathized with him. The more that I learned about him the more I cared about him, he has just gone through so much and I really wanted to be there for him. I have been blessed to have a few people in my life that are really great people...the kind of people that wouldn't hesitate to do something for you if you needed help. That was the kind of friend that I wanted to be for him....someone he could rely on, cause although i don't know his full story, I could tell that he doesnt have someone like that in his life. But lately I have started to feel used and that he really doesn't care much about me or my feelings. For instance, I invited him to come hang out with me on a Friday night, and he told me that he couldn't because he was trying to save money( related to the issues he is having), and he wasn't able to pay for gas to come out here ( we live about 30 to 45 mins away). Well money is not all that important to me and we hadn't gotten a chance to spend any time together in a couple of weeks... so I offered to help him with gas money, and he came. Now he has spent the night several times before, and usually he leaves pretty early in the morning. This time he brought an extra pair of clothes and he stayed till late in the afternoon.... he was going to meet up with his friends for dinner later that night. I felt kind of used because I had to practically beg him to come hang out with me and he complained about his lack of money... I don't mind giving him some money if he needs it.....but I kinda just thought he used me for money so he could hang out with his other friends. And the other night we had sex for the first time...it was a big mistake and it was absolutely aweful....he came in the first 3 minutes and was kind of disappointed... so i suggested we try again. We did... and there really wasn't any real connection between us...he actually stopped and said that he felt like what we were doing was wrong...and that he had it in his mind that he wasn't going to cross the friend zone with me... and that he was disgusted with himself that he did. He told me that he wasn't attracted to me in that way... and that he thought he was but he wasn't.....and that a couple of years ago he probably would never have even talked to me cause he had really high standards. He suggested that maybe I should do some kegels to tighten up me vagina walls.... cause he really couldn't feel anything or find a guy with a really big penis. We are suppose to be friends..and yes we probably shouldn't have had sex, but all of the stuff he said really hurt my feelings. I think my feelings were hurt more because I would never say something to my friend that I know would hurt their feelings, and the sadest thing is, is that he doesn't realize that saying things like that could potentially hurt someone.... to him he is being honest. So the other day I txt him and let him know that he did hurt my feelings and before I could say why he did...he automatically assumed I was talking about the sexual act and that it must have hurt my feelings that he stopped...when really I didn't care about that aspect at all... if he didn't stop, it wouldn't have been long till I ended it myself....he kind of insinuated that I got the wrong idea, like perhaps I liked him to be more of a friend... when that is just not the case. But he got really defensive and he didn't even ascknowledge the fact that I felt hurt. All I was going to tell him was that there is a certain way that he should talk to people and that there is a difference between being honest and wrongfully honest... and that he should exercise some sort of judgement in deciding between the two... before he speaks. I asked him if we could just talk over the phone and he basically just ignored me. And today I text him just to say hi and kind of to see if he would text me back... and he did, just like nothing ever happened. Now getting back to the matter at hand... when I say Im going to be someones friend, I mean it. I would do anything for them to show that I care...but in this friendship with this guy, I don't feel like he appreciates or respects me at all. I want to work at being friends with him... cause I dont like to throw away relationships... that is something I really value. But I guess I want to know... how to tell when to just throw in the towel and be done with someone? I know he is going through a really difficult time right now, so I have a great deal more patience with him then I do other people....but I don't feel like he is a very considerate person.... and I hate the feeling of being used.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  August 25,2009, 5:36pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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It could be that he doesn't have anyone who he can rely on in his life because he treats people the way he treats you. I can empathize with wanting to help him, but at the same time, what are you getting from this friendship? Friendship is about being there for each other. It is not a one way street where one person constantly gives while the other person constantly takes. In all honesty, what you have with this man is not a friendship. It isn't a relationship. Unfortunately, he is using you.

If I was in your shoes, I would cut ties with him immediately. This is not a healthy situation to be in. You deserve to be treated with the respect that a true friend would give you.

Best wishes to you.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #3  August 25,2009, 5:40pm
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What you've posted is enough for you to answer your own question. You seem like a giver and he a taker. Your definition of friendship is completely different from his.

Get out of this one and find one that better suits your personality and complements your own beliefs. You are not required to be his caretaker just because he's going through a tough time - we all have tough times. Take care of yourself.
 
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beentherehavetee is offline beentherehavetee Post #4  August 25,2009, 6:53pm
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When to end this so called friendship? Immediately!

First of all, the guy told you he has a girlfriend. Let his girlfriend be his support and let her be the shoulder he cries on. You entangle yourself in his mess and become emotionally involved. Then you sleep with him knowing he has a girlfriend- only to have him belittle you in the worse way with his comments. And you are still trying to hang on to this man for what?????

It was really painful to read this post. This guy does not deserve your friendship. Drop this guy now!
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #5  August 25,2009, 8:06pm

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The time to move on is when you find yourself posting to a board and asking: How do you know when to end a friendship. NOW IS THE TIME TO MOVE ON!
there is no friendship, just sex for gas money!

Harvey7.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #6  August 25,2009, 8:12pm
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We exchanged numbers, and a couple days later he told me that he has a girlfriend....

The time to end it has already passed. This guy is a user. If he has a gf, why was he exchanging numbers with you? He's not the kind of person who knows how to treat people or how to be a friend.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but move on and find a real friend.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #7  August 25,2009, 8:25pm
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Whose idea was the sex? Yes the guy sounds like an insensitive user, and it definitely sounds like there are a few issues if he finishes in three minutes and then complains that he can't feel anything the second time, but i'm just trying to figure out why you slept together when you knew he had a girlfriend and had decided to just be friends.
It's not helpful saying chalk it up to experience and move on, but it's about the only option i can see.
 
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cutie5633 is offline cutie5633 Post #8  August 25,2009, 10:10pm
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I thank you guys for your responses....to answer your questions of why I slept with him and he had a girlfriend...the quick answer is that he broke up with her two weeks ago, and we didn't do anything till they did....still the experience sucked
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #9  August 26,2009, 1:43am
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Yep...time to end this. The line was crossed and you cannot go back. I would NEVER cross this line with any of my female friends. Their friendship is too important to me.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  August 26,2009, 8:57am
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You acted like the perfect host for this parasitic tick. Please elevate the bar, and stop sleeping with jerks or lending them money, why would you even call this parasite a friend?
cutie5633 wrote :
I thank you guys for your responses....to answer your questions of why I slept with him and he had a girlfriend...the quick answer is that he broke up with her two weeks ago, and we didn't do anything till they did....still the experience sucked
 
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