Love me, love my family, is this just his pattern?

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harasarah Post #1 August 24,2009, 7:17am

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I live with my boyfriend of 13 months. I have always impressed upon him that my large family is extremely important to me, especially since they live 11 hrs away by car, he doesn't want children & he isn't close to his family at all because they're all "junkies & crooks" which is not too far off.

Here is the thing: He'd rather go drinking at the lake with his friends than come home with me to see my sister who's about to have her baby any day, and my little brother who is leaving for boot camp in 2 weeks. We tried to fly home this past weekend and plan to try to fly home again this weekend(he is a private small plane pilot- visually rated so the weather has to be good all the way over the mountains etc). I've always told him that I want him to want to be a part of the family, but he refuses to give up his labor day weekend at the lake (I honestly don't want to miss it either) if again, we cannot go this weekend. All the while my mom is telling me to just buy a commercial ticket and come home alone. The point is that I want him to be as excited to go my family's as he is to the lake to see his family of friends.

What hurts the most or what set me off this morning is that he said he had "porn tapes from the ground to the ceiling" with his previous long term live-in girlfriend. He's 44 and I am 30. It has been his pattern to live with a girl which to him is just like being married until it falls apart then move on. Okay, so am I just another step in his ladder? He and all his friends tell me that he loves me more than anyone else he's ever dated and he wants to be with me forever but I am feeling so isolated because he isn't being supportive. I've given up so much time with my girlfriends to stay home and clean to make things work smoothly with him, but it seems like I can never do enough. Now, again his friends come first. I want to just tell him that he can have all his friends, and that if he doesn't want to extend the "family of us two" to the rest of my family, then he can't have me. Am I being irrational?

Last edited by harasarah; August 24,2009 at 7:19am.

DancingFool Post #2 August 24,2009, 8:34am

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You seem to have two issues in your post.

As for the family bit - they are your family not his. No, it's not rational for you to expect for your boyfriend to love your family or be as excited about being with them as you. The SO's family events are more of an obligation than a pleasure for most people.

As for him being a serial monogamist....well....it's always hard to tell, but likely he'll continue the pattern. I guess that's the problem with those kinds of guys - logic says eventually he'll marry someone, but will that be you or not? Best advice I can give you and set yourself a deadline by which either you will leave him or the relationship will move forward.

D_Lion Post #3 August 24,2009, 9:47am

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Are you talking here about one weekend – Labor Day holiday – where he is putting the friends before your family? I think that is fine – especially if that is a tradition, or something which had been planned. If it is every weekend that he is jettisoning you to be with buddies, then I’d say he has his priorities messed up.
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neardc Post #4 August 24,2009, 9:50am

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He is your boyfriend not your husband, so he has no formal relationship at all to your family (despite his claim that living together is "just like" being married...lol). Although you "want" him to feel a certain way, that's simply not something that you can orchestrate. If you do get married, then over time he may feel more of a connection with your family as he gets to know them, but at this point he feels none. And, his view of a relationship with you apparently does not include participating in your family events simply out of a sense of obligation to you or a desire to make you happy.

The porn tapes, the control issues with your feeling that you have to spend an excessive amount of time cleaning in order for things to work "smoothly" for him, your feeling that you can't ever do enough are not positive signs -- and certainly not signs of a healthy, equal relationship. At 44 years of age, though, it's unlikely that he is going to change in any significant way.

What are your hopes and plans for the future? Do you wish to marry? (Not everyone does...) Do you want to have children? Is this really the man who can provide you with the kind of relationship and future that you want? If not, I've no doubt that there are much more family-oriented men out there who would...

With respect to your wishes to go home within the next couple of weeks.... Listen to your mother and buy a plane ticket. Let him have his weekend at the lake (which is fine, really), and you go and spend some special time with your family.

Wiseman2 Post #5 August 24,2009, 1:05pm

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Yes, you are another rung in his ladder of free rides with women.

.......He is a taker and a user, and will keep doing so.

You are 30, so please don't waste anymore time on this guy. Move out and date him, until he wants what most men are willing to do for all your services...marry you, he's got it made, you AND his freedom, why the heck are you worried about pleasing this user and looser?

harasarah wrote :

I live with my boyfriend of 13 months. I have always impressed upon him that my large family is extremely important to me, especially since they live 11 hrs away by car, he doesn't want children & he isn't close to his family at all because they're all "junkies & crooks" which is not too far off.
Here is the thing: He'd rather go drinking at the lake with his friends than come home with me to see my sister who's about to have her baby any day, and my little brother who is leaving for boot camp in 2 weeks. We tried to fly home this past weekend and plan to try to fly home again this weekend(he is a private small plane pilot- visually rated so the weather has to be good all the way over the mountains etc). I've always told him that I want him to want to be a part of the family, but he refuses to give up his labor day weekend at the lake (I honestly don't want to miss it either) if again, we cannot go this weekend. All the while my mom is telling me to just buy a commercial ticket and come home alone. The point is that I want him to be as excited to go my family's as he is to the lake to see his family of friends.
What hurts the most or what set me off this morning is that he said he had "porn tapes from the ground to the ceiling" with his previous long term live-in girlfriend. He's 44 and I am 30. It has been his pattern to live with a girl which to him is just like being married until it falls apart then move on. Okay, so am I just another step in his ladder? He and all his friends tell me that he loves me more than anyone else he's ever dated and he wants to be with me forever but I am feeling so isolated because he isn't being supportive. I've given up so much time with my girlfriends to stay home and clean to make things work smoothly with him, but it seems like I can never do enough. Now, again his friends come first. I want to just tell him that he can have all his friends, and that if he doesn't want to extend the "family of us two" to the rest of my family, then he can't have me. Am I being irrational?

TiffanyDiamond Post #6 August 24,2009, 3:00pm

is so in love!!

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Wiseman2 wrote :

Yes, you are another rung in his ladder of free rides with women.

.......He is a taker and a user, and will keep doing so.

Exactly! It sounds like you are doing all the work and bending over backwards in this relationship and he is doing all of the taking and using. He is not going to change his ways nor will he ever even try to bond with your family - even if he ever decides to marry you - which I doubt he will. The way a person behaves while you are dating is the exact same way they will behave if you marry them. People do not change their basic personality traits. You also mentioned that he does not want children but you didn't say whether or not you want children. If you do you should probably know that he will not change his mind about that either.

PR_Princess Post #7 August 24,2009, 3:10pm

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I think you just need to read over your post because it seems you have already arrived at your own conclusion about this man and where this relationship is heading

The last people I would be listening to is his friends on this situation...they tend to be a bit biased

as they should be.

HappyandLight Post #8 August 24,2009, 4:04pm

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The thing is, it doesn't matter if the outside world thinks your desire for your man to meld with your family is asking too much. That's not the issue.

The issue is this is part of your dream? You want a partner who will share in the joy in your family or will at least try. And you don't want to go to family events alone, you want your partner to be *with* you, no? And what you have to ask yourself is, if he is unwilling to do this, can you live with this a be happy?

I am in a new relationship...we are both in our forties. He took me to see his elderly mother and we saw her almost everyday for a week. I enjoyed myself and wanted to. We laughed and chatted everyday and I never met her before. I made an effort and had fun even though they were not "my" family. I knew it was important to him so I did so, but I also really and truly enjoy most older people and chit chatting. It was fun. I didn't blow off this trip.

If I married a someone with a great family, I'd feel *blessed* for the most part. It's nice being a part of something larger.

I'd also ask how engaged is he in this relationship? Is he willing to only engage in activities that he likes? Marriage is a partnership...being part of a whole...and another family. If he is not willing to visit with your family...what exactly does that say about his commitment to you and his willingness to make an effort in your relationship?

So you just have to look deep within. It sounds like this is so far off from your ideal, you will feel lacking and sad because of it. But only you can decide.

By the way, the porn stuff sounds yucky. Ew. I am all for being free sexually and expressing oneself but to have so many videos is obsessive. Too much of a focus on this tells me he doesn't have other more positive focus? He doesn't sound like he has that great of character...but only you know.

MCMLXXII Post #9 August 24,2009, 10:10pm

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Hi Harra: Yep, you're being irrational.

Your family is your family. He's obviously not a family person - neither am I. It's unfair to put the squeeze on him for not embracing your family. This leads to resentment.

Question: Okay, so am I just another step in his ladder?
Answer: Yes.

I know someone with similar behavior as your boyfriend. He's 8 years older than his girlfriend. Because he has no intention of marrying her, he's told me in very clear terms, "I'm just waiting on her to leave." I know he cares for her but he's steadfast on his position against marriage...and he knows his stance on marriage will eventually cause her to leave. If your boyfriend has a pattern of live-in girlfriends, perhaps one of the reasons they left was because he didn't want to marry 'em?

I wish you all the best. I hope your boyfriend is able to enjoy the lake and drive safely on your way home to visit family.

TiffanyDiamond Post #10 August 25,2009, 2:03pm

is so in love!!

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My family is extremely important to me and I enjoy spending time with them - we have sooo much fun together! So I can relate to what you are saying. Yes, they are cookey, crazy, good people, some not so good people, lots and lots of people, sometimes we're all in each other's business, we're helping each other - all of that. We're almost like the family in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Well, not really that bad...but you get my point. Anyway my ex-husband-I even had to drag him to HIS own family's events. It drove me crazy and it was always a bone of contention in our marriage. He just did not want to be bothered - and he has a great extended family. What I think you need to understand is that he is not going to change no matter what you say or do. He is not into that and you have to decide if you can live with someone like that. Frankly I feel like from your post he is probably not planning on marrying you so maybe you need to look for someone who finds family as important as you do. Sorry.

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