1sttimer is offline 1sttimer Post #1  August 20,2009, 11:01am
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I am a new one to the boards only found this site yesterday and I think it is great. I need some feedback. I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 5 months and we are both 40 and spend the weekends together. The first three and a half months were great, he asked to be exclusive after a month, said he was falling in love two months into the relationship and has always been very attentive until a month ago. I noticed he became distant (not as affectionate and lost himself in his work). He still called on a daily basis and we spent the weekends togetjer but not the same. Well, over the weekend, I asked him what was going on and he said he has been depressed and somedays does not want to get out of bed because he is thinking about his divorce that was just final and moving from the marrital home four months ago (he lived there alone for three years). I was upset as this came out of no where. From the beginning he told me he was over things and he had been separated for three years and I was the first person he dated.

Last night, I was over at this place and began a conversation again as this is consuming my thoughts. He said that at this time he can not give me any assurances about us any more but that he did love me. He said the feelings that he is experiencing are new and he does not exactly know how to deal with them. He said he did not want us to stop seeing each other and he never even thought that us not spending time together was an option-as I put on the table us taking time apart so he could figure out what he was feeling. He said this new feeling is overwhelming him and that the feelings of love that he used to experience all the time with us has taken a back seat to this. I recommended he attend counseling and he said if it continues for a month or two he will consider it.

I did not sleep much last night and just have this horrible feeling that I can not shack. What is your opinion? Do I wait this out? If I end things, it will hurt, but I do not want to jump the gun on this and end it to soon.

UPDATED ON 9/18/09

Need perspective again-here is the history of my posts. Over the last month, I have been patient-to the point that I have become hurt by all of this. I just can't go on auto pilot after being with someone for six months anymore. So I started the "conversation" where are your feelings at now and actually told him my perspective of what I thought was going on with him in this relationship- to how he is now vs. when we were first together. Things I see in him of how he disconnects and consumes himself in work to aviod his feelings, etc. how he is pulling away from me like he told me he did with his wife when things got rocky. Let me add this. I am a therapist and do this for a living and I finally could keep this in anymore. He in return told me that he is not good at intraspection that I want I said he needs to think alot about-that I maybe right. That over the last couple months to deal with what he is going through he is only living day to day and the most he looks ahead to is the weekend we spend together which is a big change for him. He told me we are not clicking recently and initally he thought it was me, but since I pointed out several things to him it hit home and he is seeing this maybe all about him. And we made the decision to talk on Saturday afternoon after he had time to think. I think he was welling up on the phone but I am not sure and he then said he did not know if he was the man for me since I may want more than he can give right now but that he loved me.

I made the choice to give this sometime-I know a month is not alot but this relationship defocused me-which I let happen. I really do not know what to do-stay in it, give it up, wait. I really do love him and he has many great qualities but has changed over the last two months and has become very distant and consumed in this work. We do spend the weekends together and enjoy each others company but during this time-he is just different and I see it and it hurts to see that things have changed. Any advice here?
Last edited by 1sttimer; September 18,2009 at 8:43am.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #2  August 20,2009, 4:28pm
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It sounds like he is being honest with you and is just now going through his mourning period. It's all part of divorce.

Just give him space but be there for him. If he pushes you away or stays distant you may want to take a break. If he's that broken up about it, it may be too soon for him to even begin to sort out his feelings toward a new relationship.

When he's not feeling sad talk to him about it and then decide the best thing to do.
 
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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #3  August 20,2009, 5:50pm
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Yeah, give him a little time maybe. I'm sure he'll come around. Just be supportive as you see fit and follow your heart.

It can only hurt for a little while. It could be good forever.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  August 20,2009, 5:57pm
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okay. this is what i would do:

i would take fewer of his calls. if you talk daily make it every three days or so. i wouldnt spend weekends with him at all. the talking and you being too close is probably putting too much pressure on him. let him work it out but dont worry about it and stop telling him you are concerned. get busy with your own life and your own happiness. obviously i couldnt say what he is feeling, but if you back off it will take the pressure off of him as he sounds like he is overwhelmed or getting there.
 
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Mainah64 is offline Mainah64 Post #5  August 20,2009, 8:12pm
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Sounds like you were his rebound. That sucks.

I don't know all the pyscho babble but there does seem to be a disconnect when someone finally realizes that the past marriage/relationship is over. At that point many go into a new mode and start fresh or wallow in the emotional wreckage for a bit.

I wouldn't wait too long, keep contact limited and see if he comes around and grasps what is in front of him. It sucks.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #6  August 21,2009, 6:06am

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He is going through a mid life crisis which is not out of the norm, but what is a problem is, He is consuming my thoughts! You should offer to join him in couples counseling and not threaten him with the loss of your company! You are triggering some of his anxiety rather then being a loving, Rock of Gibraltar. He will emerge a much stronger person after therapy and he needs you to lean on right now. Stop being so concerned with yourself and make therapy a fun thing for the both of you.

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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  August 21,2009, 7:05am
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I don't think this is a "rebound" relationship. I get the impression that he is falling in love with you and that feeling is terrifying him. I think he's been pulling away since he realized he was in love with you because a part of him maybe reliving his divorce. The more he loves you, the more he will pull away unless he finds a way to deal with it.'

As for you, be supportive, but don't smother. Let him call you. And most importantly, let him NOT call you. The worst thing you can do is to make him feel like he HAS to do something, or he's forced to do something.
 
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WoolyOrl is offline WoolyOrl Post #8  August 21,2009, 7:09am
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[quote=1sttimer;715934
Last night, I was over at this place and began a conversation again as this is consuming my thoughts. He said that at this time he can not give me any assurances about us any more but that he did love me. He said the feelings that he is experiencing are new and he does not exactly know how to deal with them. He said he did not want us to stop seeing each other and he never even thought that us not spending time together was an option-as I put on the table us taking time apart so he could figure out what he was feeling. He said this new feeling is overwhelming him and that the feelings of love that he used to experience all the time with us has taken a back seat to this. I recommended he attend counseling and he said if it continues for a month or two he will consider it.
[/quote]

Speaking from the perspective of a guy who has gone through some horrific things in his life and understands the value of a good therapist....

This stuff doesn't resolve itself overnight, and you can multiply the timeframe of healing by 4x if he doesn't see someone (either privately or in a group setting) who can help him. He's definitely experiencing borderline depression.

It's not that he doesn't love you, or even that he still loves his ex. He is finally experiencing the "hole" in his life. It's very common for guys to have a delayed reaction to traumatic events - we tend to suppress and ignore what we're feeling and go on auto-pilot. We often don't even realize that we are ON autopilot. Now that he's with someone in a healthy loving relationship a switch in his brain goes "click" and let's those feelings out of the box. His brain has decided that he's ready to deal with the perfectly natural grieving process.

So what's your move here... if he makes the healthy decision to seek help then stick it out. If he avoids it or suddenly seems "better" then you get out. If you pressure him too much his brain will flip the switch again and the demons go back in the box. Hold the line in a gentle, loving way. Be supportive, but DON'T slide into pure friend mode - you'll never get back to the romantic thing. Big danger - he may start to associate you with the feelings he's having, so it's a tricky path you're on. You have to decide for yourself if the path is a yellow-brick-road or a dirt trail.

One last thing - it is possible that, as he gets better, he will become a different guy in certain ways. He'll become more confident. He'll be more independent. Some of his interests will change. He'll take on more / different friends. So be understanding of this.
 
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1sttimer is offline 1sttimer Post #9  August 21,2009, 7:11am
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Wow, thats for your advice everyone. I never thought that his falling in love would trigger him to pull away. I know he needs me to be understand and I can.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #10  August 22,2009, 6:39pm
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Your situation proves the point that there are two types of divorce: 1) the legal divorce and 2) the emotional divorce. The legal portion of the divorce is usually the easy part (which is saying a lot since in many cases it is brutal), it's the emotional divorce that is extremely difficult. Many people think that when the paperwork is stamped and finalized, that's it. To the contrary, the marriage is not REALLY over until the emotional divorce/healing has taken place.

This is also why the first relationship following a divorce typically fails. Often, people move into another relationship before the emotional divorce is final. The new relationship only ends up serving as a band-aid, and ultimately ends.
Last edited by flgal; August 22,2009 at 6:43pm.
 
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