She just wants us to be "dating" and not a relationship.


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secretagent4777 is offline secretagent4777 Post #1  August 20,2009, 7:27am
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I work two jobs (one full-time and the other part-time). I met this lady while at my second job. I have been dating her for the past two months. She has been trying to get into the Army, but she doesn't know if she will get in. She said awhile back that I can call her my girlfriend, so I was thinking that we were finally in a relationship now. We would go to dinner, watch a movie sometimes, and even go to church together. But last night after dinner, she said that she doesn't know what she wants

She mentioned that my father's blessing is important. She also said that my father would want me to marry someone who is a Nigerian Catholic. I am a 32 year old single black man who has never married, and she is a 37 year old white single mom who was twice divorced with a daughter. My parents don't want me to marry a white person, especially since she is 5 years older than me and already has a child with someone else. But even if my parents don't approve of us going out, I told her that I don't care what my parents think. She has been divorced twice, and her in-laws from her second marriage (her ex-husbands parents) didn't approve of her either, since she had a child who was black. She spent the past 18 years raising her child, working, and going to school.

Now that her daughter is away to college, she wants to be focused on herself and not have to compromise with someone else in a relationship. She said that she just wants us to be "dating". I understand that she wants to be focused on herself, especially since she spent so many years focusing on her daugher, but if she doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why does she want to date in the first place, especially if she is trying to get into the military anyway? You would think that if someone is trying to get into the military that they would avoid dating altogether since the military would require her to travel and be deployed in places far away. Isn't the whole point of dating to find someone to be in a relationship with? If she doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why does she keep calling me on the phone, want to have dinner with me, or spend time with me? It makes no sense. Why does she call me all the time wanting me to spend time with her? I love her so much, but I don't want to get hurt in the end. If I don't have a chance in this, why does she want to spend time with me?
Last edited by secretagent4777; August 20,2009 at 7:33am. Reason: I just needed to make more clarifications in my post.
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #2  August 20,2009, 9:00am
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Hi Secretagent: From your post, it doesn't sound like she doesn't want to be in a relationship...she just wants to be casual. If this isn't agreeable to you, perhaps you should pull back a bit. Don't be so available or predictable.

Note: I'm not saying play games with this woman. I'm simply saying don't be at her beck and call.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  August 20,2009, 9:39am
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Sounds like she is at a personal crossroad and still figuring out which way to go. I'm guessing that after all the years of dedication to her family she is yearning for some freedom that she missed in her younger years. As a result, she enjoys your companionship but does not want any strings attached to that at the moment. You can give this some time or you can always back away - only you know what is best for you.
 
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secretagent4777 is offline secretagent4777 Post #4  August 20,2009, 9:42am
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Thanks for the response

I think you are right. She probably just wants a casual relationship. Only time will tell how this all turns out. I will try not to be always available for her beck and call. I looked up the definition of a casual relationship according to Wikipedia:

A casual relationship is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting a more formal romantic relationship as a goal.
 
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secretagent4777 is offline secretagent4777 Post #5  August 25,2009, 9:31am
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Thanks for the advice everyone. I have been thinking about the whole situation over and over again. Most women would just break off the connection altogether if they found someone else. They wouldn't keep calling you on the phone, kissing you, or even hanging out with you. So, I keep getting mixed signals about this.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #6  August 25,2009, 1:16pm
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She just wants a FWB. And I don't know why she wants to join the Army at her age. She may be too old for a first time enlistment anyway.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #7  August 25,2009, 2:18pm
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tweet37 wrote :
She just wants a FWB. And I don't know why she wants to join the Army at her age. She may be too old for a first time enlistment anyway.
She is not too old to enlist; the maximum age for first enlistment is now 42.

Presumably she wants to join the Army because it's good, stable employment that provides excellent benefits and opportunities for education and training.

If all she wanted was a FWB, it hardly seems that she would be spending the kind of time that she is with the OP or interacting with him so much. She clearly cares about him even if she does not feel that she can focus on building a permanent relationship right now.

OP - It sounds like you "are" in a relationship, but you and she each have different goals for it at this point. You'll need to figure out whether this can be "okay" for you for now or not (just as she is trying to figure out what she truly wants...).

People in the military do of course marry (most are married, by far), but it does present a lifestyle that not all can manage. If she does join the Army and make a career of it, you would be the spouse who would have to accomodate to her career, not just because of possible deployments but because it's typical for soldiers to move to another work station every 3-5 years...
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #8  August 25,2009, 2:37pm
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Do yourself a favor and find someone else.
 
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beentherehavetee is offline beentherehavetee Post #9  August 25,2009, 6:00pm
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Ok. As a woman, for me that would mean, I like you...but I don't really really like you that way. I may even sleep with you but that's as far as it will go! No relationship...no future with me. My options are always open.

If you really like this woman, back away a bit or you'll get hurt.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #10  August 27,2009, 2:45am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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secretagent4777 wrote :
If she doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why does she keep calling me on the phone, want to have dinner with me, or spend time with me? It makes no sense. Why does she call me all the time wanting me to spend time with her?
Two reasons - 1) Entertainment and 2) Attention.
 
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