emotional challenges women leaving domestic violence


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niceguy2009 is offline niceguy2009 Post #1  August 20,2009, 7:44am
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Hi first time posting

My ex girlfriend is in a off and on abusive relationship. They have a 1 year old daughter together. Background: He is just in the first stages of aggression but shows all the classic signs. He already has bit her and hurt her a few times that I know. She wants to leave him but something emotional keeps her from taking the final steps to leave him and not come back. Normally I would say she is not ready and may never leave, but through my counseling and advice I have seen her make emotional progress and break throughs, though not to the point where she looks like she is ready to leave him for good.

She went from thinking it was her fault to seeing his true nature. At the start she thought she could make it work with him now she knows he will never change and that she needs to leave. It seems like I am making progress she even broke up with him again just over the weekend but I think they are back together again as he is isolates her even has her cell phone and I have not heard back from her this week which is not like her at all when she is actually away from him, I know she is safe as I know her father but she insists I not mention any of this to him o i don't know much about what is going on right now. Though I do know recently she did tell her mother about the abuse and even told her that she still liked me.
She says she really wants to leave but "he makes it impossible". She doesn't want a future with him as she knows what it will mean for her and her daughter. She even said she loved me just this last week.
I have grown up in domestic violence myself so I know much about it. The question I have what should I do? Can she get past this final core emotional issue? I didn't think she could get past some of the things she has already but she did she has made clear emotional progress if nothing else in her thinking, but I have yet to see her take any true solid steps to get him out of her life. She still keeps most of this secret from everyone, like many abused women do. The things I mention seems to be a general problem as well so many domestic violence victims become slaves to their abusers. Since it is just starting though I have told her my personal life story and even shown her what is happening before it happens I don't think she really knows what she is getting into..though she does know now it will only get worse.

Generic Domestic Violence counseling and help from personal experience is outdated. It only fixes the problems in the final stages when the only option is to escape or have your life in danger. So I am asking for personal advice. I have read many much of the advice given on these boards and know it is very wise.

Is there hope? If she does write back to me again should I keep trying to help?
I know in the end she has to make the choice, but if I gave up earlier she would not have made the progress she seems to have made..and I feel I am her best hope to get out of this. He is isolating her to the point where she can only write a few times a week now. I am struggling with the issue. Even she knows she can't stay with him, but doesn't see a way out. We have a very strong connection with each other but I just don't know what it will take to finish breaking through to her or if I can. I didn't think she would get past some of the problems she has things others didn't think she would get past.. it took some time but I did break through to her on some big things.. that is the only thing that keeps me hanging on, keeps me hoping. If I do try I don't know what else to say. There are psychological ways to break the brain washing the abuser do as I have done it now to a certain extent myself with her, but all the online advice on helping domestic violence victims is antiquated just telling you to leave them be and let the issue resolve itself not telling any on how to counter the brain washing that takes place from the verbal abuse and isolation (which keeps things from resolving normally). If not for personal experience and prayer and knowing her so well I would not been able to help her to where she is at now. I just don't know what to say next to get her to make the next break through as I don't know what the true final core problems are that keep her coming back. She has yet to be full force hit yet the violence is still in the starting stages.

I am trying to not get attached and move on with my life while still helping her, but it is hard. We both still have a strong emotional connection and feelings for each other. How will I know if this back and forth will ever end or not? Or can I at this point...

I am very emotionally torn and need advice.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #2  August 20,2009, 9:57am
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She needs the help of someone who specializes in domestic abuse. It makes sense that she is having a difficult time breaking away from him completely, as she is probably clinging to the "hope" that he will change. This hope is what keeps victims in abusive relationships. It takes someone very skilled in the dynamics of abusive relationships to help victims see them for what they are, realize that the relationship can never be healthy unless the abuser gets very specific help, and decide to leave. That being said, even if she were to leave him, she is going to need some time to heal emotionally from everything she has been through.
 
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niceguy2009 is offline niceguy2009 Post #3  August 20,2009, 7:19pm
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Thank you for your advice. I did speak with her father tonight. Turns out he did know a little about the abuse but I doubt to what extent, it was not asked so I didn't go into details. I agree with everything you said. I did manage to get her to understand that he will not change. From the conversation I had tonight it turns out they are simply put playing with fire. No need to go into any more details. I have told her the information she needs to get past him if she chooses to one day. I understand now it is time for me to move on myself. For those in a situation close to my own the one of the things that opened her eyes the most was an online test to see if your partner might be abusive.
 
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Understated is offline Understated Post #4  August 20,2009, 9:12pm
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The danger involved in you trying to convince her to leave him is your past. When your emotions are added to the mix it can confuse matters for both her and you. Your experience with abuse in the past will lead you to assume that hers is the same.

That said, I am glad you are not giving up on her (that is what the abuser wants, her alone without support). The reason for an outside professional to get involved is because he/she does not add to the emotions involved. They try to get the person being abused to see what the situation really is (not their fault, not normal, not acceptable) and they have the connections nessessary to allow the abused to regain some element of control in the situation. Social services to help out with a place to stay that the abuser does not have access to or even knowledge of, protective orders to help maintain some element of physical safety when attempting to return to normal life, and counseling (social and psychological) to make sure that the abused does not return to ways of thinking that lead into the same situation again.

Abusers are bullys. They rely on the weaknesess and fears of those they abuse. If the abused tries to stand up to them they will do all they can to remove whatever allowed the abused to do so. If it is family or friends that gave them the ability to resist, then contact with these must be blocked. If it is simply the amount of abuse that caused the resistance, then they will ease up for a bit and say they are sorry. Then when resistance slackens they go back to where they were before. "Yes, he beats me sometimes, but only when I do things that make him angry" or "True, he can be overbearing and demanding at times, but he bought me flowers for my birthday this year so I know he loves me" are a couple of the things social workers hear all the time.

The best thing you can do is to connect her to a professional. If the abuse has reached the point where she is physicaly harmed, the police can arrest him even without her filing a complaint. You can call them anomoninously. While he is out of the way, get her to a social services center. They can help her to begin the trip out of this. She has her parents, you, local services, and even federal law behind her. The only thing needed now is her to decide enough is enough.
 
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niceguy2009 is offline niceguy2009 Post #5  August 21,2009, 5:26am
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Understated wrote :
The danger involved in you trying to convince her to leave him is your past. When your emotions are added to the mix it can confuse matters for both her and you. Your experience with abuse in the past will lead you to assume that hers is the same.

That said, I am glad you are not giving up on her (that is what the abuser wants, her alone without support). The reason for an outside professional to get involved is because he/she does not add to the emotions involved. They try to get the person being abused to see what the situation really is (not their fault, not normal, not acceptable) and they have the connections nessessary to allow the abused to regain some element of control in the situation. Social services to help out with a place to stay that the abuser does not have access to or even knowledge of, protective orders to help maintain some element of physical safety when attempting to return to normal life, and counseling (social and psychological) to make sure that the abused does not return to ways of thinking that lead into the same situation again.

Abusers are bullys. They rely on the weaknesess and fears of those they abuse. If the abused tries to stand up to them they will do all they can to remove whatever allowed the abused to do so. If it is family or friends that gave them the ability to resist, then contact with these must be blocked. If it is simply the amount of abuse that caused the resistance, then they will ease up for a bit and say they are sorry. Then when resistance slackens they go back to where they were before. "Yes, he beats me sometimes, but only when I do things that make him angry" or "True, he can be overbearing and demanding at times, but he bought me flowers for my birthday this year so I know he loves me" are a couple of the things social workers hear all the time.

The best thing you can do is to connect her to a professional. If the abuse has reached the point where she is physicaly harmed, the police can arrest him even without her filing a complaint. You can call them anomoninously. While he is out of the way, get her to a social services center. They can help her to begin the trip out of this. She has her parents, you, local services, and even federal law behind her. The only thing needed now is her to decide enough is enough.
Unfortunate as it is she gave on me. After she left him and went back she stopped writing. So as much as I hate it she will be alone but not by my choice. The emotional traps abusive people use are tricky to get out of. The three stages of domestic abuse along with the isolation induces a type of brain washing. Not only is it the hope that they will change it is the fear that keeps them chained.

I had a brief conversation with her dad last night after not hearing back for so long. I told him that he was abusive. He kind of shrugged it off and just said well there is not any long term plans anytime soon. I don't know if he doesn't understand what he has done to her or just thinks she can get out of it anytime. Because the abuser is the babies father he actually seemed to want her to stick with him, no wonder she is so confused. On top of that she does not have a car of her own so her dad said she is using him for that. That was his response after he said she had no long term plans anytime soon. He wasn't worried about her in the least. As I said before their family is playing with fire.

It was getting too painful for me anyway. I was starting to get flashbacks. Also I fell in love with her .. during the natural cycles they go though it would change her personality as well it was very hard for me me to hear her say bad things about me when he was kind, then when he would act up say she loved me. In a way she was doing the same emotional abuse to me and because of my past I had fell into the cycles and traps as well with her. All of this is very sad especially for the little girl. I hope I did help her emotionally get past some of this so one day she can leave him. But it looks like my part in her life might be finished by her choice.

I have told her every step she needs from getting him out of her life to getting custody of her daughter. Hopefully she will remember and one day it will help her. Most of the time abused people will refuse help from a professional. She would have never talked to one for multiple reasons. I would have suggested it if I thought she would have. I am surprised there is not more information to help people like me counsel them in the proper manner because of this natural problem.

Honest this has been one of the most difficult things I have been through in my life. Seeing someone you love go through this.. not being able to truly help, watching them turn their back on you time and time again to return to the one that hurts them. As much as I hate that she dropped communication with me and gave up for now, I do at least feel like I can finally get closure on my part.

Thank you for your concern and reply.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #6  August 21,2009, 5:43am

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You can lead the horse to the water but you can't make her drink it! You made her parents aware of the abuse and how to get a restraining order? Then it time to move on and get on without her in your life. It's up to her and her parents to follow up on and it's no longer your concern. In the end you will wind up the bad guy, move on!

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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #7  August 21,2009, 8:40am
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Forewarning: sorry but the below is harsh.

The simple fact is that she is indeed responsible for her situation. She gets abused yet keeps going back for more.

The other simple fact is that you're involved because you also want to get back with her.

She is damaged goods, and you trying to get into the middle is probably going to end badly for you.

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you stay out it now that there appears to be closure.
 
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niceguy2009 is offline niceguy2009 Post #8  August 21,2009, 11:20am
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I did not realize the full extent of everything until I did speak with her father and that was just last night. Women in abusive relationships do need counsel and help it is hard for someone to know what it does to them emotionally without first hand experience, but I did my part and she actually sees him for what he is now. It is her choice if she stays or leaves. You are correct it is time for me to move on, I realized that when I finally heard the full story last night. Before I was just getting bits and pieces. I didn't even know her father was aware he was abusive at all.
She really did need my advice early on he had totally warped her thinking to the point where she blamed herself for his rage. Anything else at this point however would be destructive for me and for them.

Yes I did tell her in detail everything she needs to move forward with her life if she chooses to one day. So I can truly leave the situation in peace.

Thanks again to everyone for your advice and counsel on this.
Last edited by niceguy2009; August 21,2009 at 11:36am.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  August 21,2009, 12:24pm
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Abusers are very often as violent towards any male acquaintances , as the are of the abused...

Please, if this is for real, it is a job for the pros, not dating drama.
 
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niceguy2009 is offline niceguy2009 Post #10  August 21,2009, 4:29pm
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I appreciate all the advice and attention to this thread. I came on for help and a sounding board. Understated I really want to thank you. You really knew waht was going on. I didn't tell everyone my background or the entire story because I didn't feel it was needed. I did know what I am doing though I have heard the counseling first hand know how to counter the paradoxical logic assesments, how to be patient and answer questions rather than force points.. I really do know how to help from years of experience and research to get resolution myself. But I didn't think I needed to go into all of that. She never was in any danger from talking to me. He doesn't even know I exist. Everyone was very very careful about that.
Understated was correct on many things. First off you were right because of my past I was too emotionally attached. I didn't want to see her or her daughter relive my past, I think it was the main reason I fell in love with her we bonded from this shared experience. Next he was right abused women need someone safe to talk with. Without that person most just ignore the signs and they normally can't break free until they feel their life is actually in danger. Abusers will try everything to isolate their victims and if the person under abuse actually reaches out to trust someone that is a huge step for them. Most of the time they have major trust and confidence issues thus they will not call strangers professional or not for help unless it is in the final stages where they truly are in danger. figai also thank you, your words helped me to see the timeline involved and I realized I was making a mistake thinking she could get past this within even a few years even if I was able to get her past all of the emotional traps he had set. Domestic abuse is a dark world it is modern day torture, and misunderstood by most of the public. Even when someone does seek help it is often the abused that suffers through it. Police help but normally it is after the fact. Unless the abused has strong support from family and friends often their only option is to leave everything they know and love and move.

I have left all of the behind me now so this thread has done it's job no need to keep posting to leave her Thanks again. Maybe this will help others in some way.
 
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