The Silent Treatment! What is that about?


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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #11  August 19,2009, 12:24pm
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I recently had the same "silent treatment" you talked about. Initially it started from a small issue we could have easily talked through in an adult-adult conversation. She said she needed the time to think, and not ready to talk about it.

I was naive enough to continue contact her every day through text, talk to her like usual, asking if she's ready to talk etc. doing all that i can to get her back to talking, how miserably i've failed after more than a month of waiting. She was noncommittal but promised to call/see me on various occasions which none eventuated.

Just past weekend it lead to she asked me to move on and seeing others, pretty much its over.

This is extremely hurtful to see someone you shared so much with over a long time could be doing this to you. Either its through immaturity or they are seeking a way out but can't face you to talk about it in person.

I should have posted my issue as ask for direction from earlier on. Looking back what i (and yourself) should best do is to cut all form of communication, give her/him the time/space they say they need, if they come back, work out what wasn't working then.

Also do not talk about emotions like Bouffy mentioned, do not pester/nagging like I inadvertently did in the hope of bringing her back.

Like everyone else said, it is definitely immature, melodramatic, manipulative, passive/aggressive style of communication and uncalled for in a healthy relationship.
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #12  August 19,2009, 12:26pm
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"women in their caves" is the thread i started seeking help. I now realize i called for help a little too late, and I learnt my lesson the hard way.
 
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beentherehavetee is offline beentherehavetee Post #13  August 19,2009, 12:38pm
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happyquestion wrote :
"women in their caves" is the thread i started seeking help. I now realize i called for help a little too late, and I learnt my lesson the hard way.

So sorry about your situation. I've stopped calling or texting. It started last night, so we'll see how this goes. But I tell you, I'm beginning to see this man in a different light now and it's not pretty. I'm not used to this kind of response or lack thereof. I'm not sure if it's even worth bothering with now.
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #14  August 19,2009, 12:46pm
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Good luck with it Beentherehavetee, I hope all works out for the best. What you've done is the best possible option. Seeing him in different light can also be a positive step towards getting to know the real him. See how long/dramatic this pans out, i guess there should be some ground rule setting for future deals if he does come back, I can't imagine how else you can live through the rest of the relationship having him disappear on you every once in a while.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #15  August 20,2009, 9:04am
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Sounds like emotional immaturity on the part of the person giving the silent treatment. This also may be their way of "conditioning" you into communicating about only what they want to communicate about and only to the extent that they want to communciate about it. We all have times when we are extremely upset about something and need to back away and regroup before discussing it. I would let him know that your intent was not to upset him, that you respect that he needed some space, and that it is important to you that you are able to discuss this when he's ready. If he's never ready to discuss it, or there is a pattern of this type of "silent treatment" behavior from him, the best thing you could do is move on.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #16  August 20,2009, 9:45am
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I don't have any advice, just a comment about my own experience.
My ex would give me a different version of the silent treatment.
If we had an issue, he would say "we'll talk about it later", but "later" never came.
He would never want to talk about anything when I wanted to.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #17  August 20,2009, 10:06am

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beentherehavetee wrote :
How do you handle this? You made a comment questioning your partner's commitment to the relationship and your partner claims to be very upset and needs to calm down. You are getting the SILENT TREATMENT! Do you try contacting the person who is supposedly mentally injured by your behavior, or do you just wait until the other person comes around and calms down and contacts you.

This is so childish! Do people not talk over disagreements anymore? So, what would you do: wait it out, call, email, text, all, or get your walking shoes ready.
You send her some chocolates with a note, if you want a relationship.
If you just want to make your point and I assume that you brow beat her with your opinion? Send her a nice note explaining that you had no idea that she would be upset with you for being so upfront with your opinion. You apologize to her and would like to take her for a nice lunch to mend your fences and to make up with her. In the future if you make a communications mistake please let you know. Dating is getting to know each other. Point, maybe it's to soon to stake you claim and she not comfortable with you yet? When you go to lunch let her talk you listen and respond to what she says and not what you want.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; August 20,2009 at 10:08am.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #18  August 20,2009, 2:53pm
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In general, silent treatment is a form of manipulation not communication. Emotionally healthy, mature adults should be able to communicate about anything.

It's ok to mutually agree to take a break from a heated debate and come back to the subject after you've had some time to digest it. But that's NOT the same thing as the silent treatment.
Last edited by WYskywatcher2; August 20,2009 at 2:56pm.
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #19  August 20,2009, 3:30pm
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Harvey7 wrote :
You send her some chocolates with a note, if you want a relationship.
If you just want to make your point and I assume that you brow beat her with your opinion? Send her a nice note explaining that you had no idea that she would be upset with you for being so upfront with your opinion. You apologize to her and would like to take her for a nice lunch to mend your fences and to make up with her. In the future if you make a communications mistake please let you know. Dating is getting to know each other. Point, maybe it's to soon to stake you claim and she not comfortable with you yet? When you go to lunch let her talk you listen and respond to what she says and not what you want.

Harvey7.
Buy someone chocolates, lunch and a nice note? Why use positive reinforcement for negative behaviors?
 
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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #20  August 20,2009, 4:45pm
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flgal wrote :
Sounds like emotional immaturity on the part of the person giving the silent treatment. This also may be their way of "conditioning" you into communicating about only what they want to communicate about and only to the extent that they want to communciate about it. We all have times when we are extremely upset about something and need to back away and regroup before discussing it. I would let him know that your intent was not to upset him, that you respect that he needed some space, and that it is important to you that you are able to discuss this when he's ready. If he's never ready to discuss it, or there is a pattern of this type of "silent treatment" behavior from him, the best thing you could do is move on.
Insightful advice. I like it.
 
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