shakeitup is offline shakeitup Post #1  August 18,2009, 11:51pm
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You could say I’m hurting. I’m losing friends left and right. When you respond to this, please do not simply judge or call me names, I could really use some solid advice. I feel like my close friends will only judge me more if I tell them all about my issue(s).

W word and the S word that are commonly used to describe women, are trite and considered the ultimate diss. Society’s view on what women can do in terms of sex is really very judgmental and unfair. But, looking back on what I have done recently, I’m starting to think these words can actually apply to me and it makes me sick, because I never knew myself this way. Ever since my dad died and my ex-boyfriend Bob killed my spirit while and after we dated, I started to find comfort in a boy putting his arm around my shoulder, or having short-lived, yet meaningful friendship and sexual connections. I seem to have a way with men and making them have the times of their lives, passionate adventures with me, and falling into lust or love with me for a short period of time. This may or may not be relevant.

But in my current situation with relationships with people (romantic and non), I feel all sorts of messed up.

I am very emotionally attached to Bob up to this point, a boy I dated for two years, we were madly in love with each other, but the love was a messy, stressful, at times malicious war. We officially ended it last August, were on and off a month after that and then I started dating Arnold, a boy at college, and we ended it. Arnold and I broke up at one point but then got back together, but I never told Bob we got back together.

However, I saw him this summer and we slept together. At the same time I was dating Arnold. At the time I was convinced that I was way more in love with Bob and it felt right although I knew it was ultimately wrong.

Two weeks ago Arnold messaged Bob on Facebook asking why him and I broke up (he suspected I was cheating on him and wanted to know if that’s why Bob and I ended, (which is not the reason we ended) . Bob found out I was with Arnold and told him we had slept together and that I got back and forth between the two of them.

This turned into a temporary tiff with Arnold, but he assumed Bob was lying cus Bob sounds like a desperate, spiteful idiot on paper. Meanwhile, Bob is throwing a huge fit, and I’m remorseful and I tell him I love him and always will, because I really truly do, but he basically says he’ll never trust me again and stops talking to me.

On the same page, after my best friend Nancy and her sister (Chrissy)’s friend with benefits/ friend of mine Ken come to pick me up, they take me to a party and it turns into a brawl. I get into a fight with Nancy, Chrissy, and some very trashy, unattractive girls, because I was talking to Ken in a room with the door closed. They assumed we had slept together, which was so presumptuous because we were actually having really deep conversation about our home lives, and sitting across from eachother. Well these girls started calling me a bunch of names (s and w word) and painting this picture of me as a dirty, promiscuous girl. They started throwing things at us and being obnoxious. I also found out from Ken that Nancy constantly talks about how I am a an out of control sex freak (completely untrue, especially coming from a virgin who has always seemed to secretly judge me) and shares all the personal stories I tell her to groups of people. Ken tells me that she is jealous that I am more successful with men and looks. With all of this said and done, Nancy and I have lost each other as friends, and I didn’t deserve that from my so-called best friend.

On top of all of this reinforcement that I’m a horrible person, I kissed Harold before I went to visit Arnold. Harold is a boy that I used to date in high school but until now just hung out with as just friends.

We kissed and at the time I had no guilt, no shame, because I wasn’t thinking. The real reason was because the tension was too much for me to handle and Harold is really handsome these days, not to mention he have old history, so we kissed and it was great. “Good to be back” he says and tells me we should slow down.

I know what I was doing, but I feel like it happened because I was horny, because I remembered how well-endowed he was and I wanted to be with him again, because we used to be really close, and because I know we both wanted to kiss. And not to say that I am guiltless or shameless, because I have never felt it so much but now, and I regret it completely, and I feel stupid for doing it, but at the time I decided not to think and just go. But I know he used to be in love with me and I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have toyed with his emotions that way. He wants to take me out to dinner tonight a beautiful restaurant on the beach. And just when we have the opportunity to do things proper, to do things right, I get back together with Arnold. (I visited Arnold for a week since he lives a few hours away from me- we know each other because we go to the same college).

I regret hooking up with Harold, and I’m mad at myself for my lack of self-control and my poor decision making. I keep making mistakes thinking I can get away with it, and then it just kicks my ass later.

Something Arnold pointed out to me which I have found to be true is that “I only care about whats in front of me”. And I decided that this is to true. And Im trying to fix it. Im trying to change my ways, otherwise the same things are going to happen. I need to see the whole picture. I’m starting to feel terrible about myself, starting to hate myself, starting to wish I could take it all back and do things the right way.

The week I had with Arnold was great and awful and strange because it went from me seriously thinking we should break up for certain (we fought a lot), to me forming a deeper attachment based on comfort and the sense of love and the fact that I really like to be around him, and I don’t want to lose that privilege, and now we are back together. And I like it and I don’t because I am so confused about everything and so scared of the future and I’m so scared to make more stupid mistakes.

But I just told Harold through a text message (my fear wouldn’t allow me to call him or tell him in person) that I had just started reseeing Arnold since I had gone away for a week (I didn’t tell Harold I was visiting Arnold, just said id be away for a week). He responded with a “wow, I just spent a week thinking about you and how I had another shot. Wish you told me you were visiting him, see you around I guess”. I feel bad, but it’s a good feeling to know that I’m doing the right thing, and I am determined to be faithful and keep my eyes on what I have.

However, one thing I realized is that cheating on someone is a sign that they are no longer fulfilling your needs, they are not satisfying you and so you are seeking it other places. And its true in my case, Arnold was not always the best boyfriend and often left me feeling empty, like he took away from me instead of completing me, so when I found fulfillment and love in other places, I accepted it.

Is doing what I want, taking opportunities, enjoying all that I can and having fun as a 19 year old empowering and liberating, or wrongful and making me a worse person?

Please, tell me your thoughts on my situation, what I should do, what I did wrong and right, any advice, helpful somethings,a or comments.
 
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Ms666 is offline Ms666 Post #2  August 19,2009, 7:11am
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Sweetie, you're 19.
Have fun, don't get too serious, ALWAYS use a condom. You are way too young to get serious about anyone right now. Take it from someone who got hitched & knocked up at 21 and spent 8 years in a bad relationship. You need to be out there having fun figuring out who you are. There's plenty of time to be serious when you're older.
Just my humble opinion, but there isn't anything wrong with experimenting sexually as long as: A. You respect yourself and B. You protect yourself from STD's and pregnancy.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #3  August 19,2009, 7:32am
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Ms666 wrote :
Sweetie, you're 19.
Have fun, don't get too serious, ALWAYS use a condom. You are way too young to get serious about anyone right now. Take it from someone who got hitched & knocked up at 21 and spent 8 years in a bad relationship. You need to be out there having fun figuring out who you are. There's plenty of time to be serious when you're older.
Just my humble opinion, but there isn't anything wrong with experimenting sexually as long as: A. You respect yourself and B. You protect yourself from STD's and pregnancy.

What she said. And good luck.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  August 19,2009, 8:31am
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Here it is: Agree with above posts, regarding safe sex and you are 19, single and can date who you want and do what you want. However your distress appears to be more gossip related.

1) Do not put boyfriends/ sexual partners on Facebook.
be more discreet.
2) When you broadcast your private affairs, either in person, or worse, on the internet, you open yourself to gossip and judgment.

It appears that you need attention and drama by over-exposing your private life.
When you stop needing that, the gossip and soap-opera dramas will stop.

Yours is not a question of sexual activity, but rather of the social broadcasting of it.
Decide what you want, dignity about your privacy or drama, that's all.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #5  August 19,2009, 9:25am
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First let me say that personally I think self-control is a good thing and I respect you for wanting to have more of it. It's not like self-control will magically appear the instant you get married - your lifelong habits tend to follow you even after you put on a ring. So I would encourage you to pursue your desire to get your emotions under control instead of always letting them control you.

Second, I think Wiseman2 made a good point above - A lot of your trouble seems to be related to what you broadcast about yourself, more than the actions themselves.

Third, let me add that no one person will ever fulfil all your needs. A SO should fulfil all your sexual needs, but you will always have emotional needs that can only be filled through other friendships, family, etc. Don't put all your happiness on one person, it will never work.

Finally, if you really want to change your behavior, the only way you will ever do it is to change the part of you that is causing the behavior. You've given some hints about what that might be, talking about your father and your ex, and your need to feel comfort and emotional security. I would suggest some kind of support group or counseling, whatever you are comfortable with, to help you work through these emotional issues, otherwise they will follow you all your life. Your comfort and security are a personal, internal issue that nobody outside yourself can fix for you.
Grow in your knowledge of yourself, and in your confidence in who you are. While you're young it's not bad to look around to figure out what you want, but if you find that nothing is ever good enough and you are never satisfied then the problem may be within yourself (and is probably more than can be fixed through an open message board.)
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #6  August 19,2009, 12:10pm
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"However, one thing I realized is that cheating on someone is a sign that they are no longer fulfilling your needs, they are not satisfying you and so you are seeking it other places."

This is a flawed revelation here. If someone doesn't fulfill your needs, you don't keep them around while you experiment, you cut them loose and experiment. You cheat not because someone doesn't fulfill your needs; You cheat because you don't think much of the person you are with, disregard his/her wishes and expect him/her to accept or deal with your transgressions.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with being promiscuous as long as YOU are comfortable with it and you do not deceive people along that route. If all parties involve are adults and can make an informed judgment on that, there should be NO reason you need to feel guilty about your actions. But at the same time, you need to take responsibility for your actions as well. You must realize that this kind of behavior may have secondary consequences and you must be ready to accept them.
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #7  August 19,2009, 1:32pm
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Hi Shakeit: You have way too much drama. I started reading your post, then stopped. Too many players and way too much drama. Follow Wiseman's advice and stop broadcasting your business.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #8  August 19,2009, 3:42pm
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"Feeling bad about seeming promiscuous"

Unfortunately people (especially females) who grow up in the U.S. are taught that their sex-ual feelings are bad.

Overseas people (females) have a much healthier attitude toward their sex-u-ality. (Western & Eastern Europe etc, not in Muslim countries)

All this said, you have to ask yourself, "Am I feeling bad because I have been taught to feel bad? Or, can I see that my sex-ual activity is really just 'acting out' to try to make up for something that I feel I lack?"

As another poster pointed out, there's a lot of drama in your post. (I also only got halfway through.)

Because of the intensity of the drama you describe, I worry that you are acting out.
 
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