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Jato87 Jato87 is offline
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This is a great topic, because I think a lot of men think they have the right to behave like this, and too many women allow them to. You're forgiving his rudeness because he's an alpha male. Whoop de fricken do!!!

You need to tell him that you're an alpha female, and you will not tolerate ANYONE telling you how to drive, which streets to take, where to park, or which table you find most to your liking. That's your own choice as an alpha female, and he needs to learn that!!

Of course, only you know how much challenging him you can get away with without pushing him away. That's entirely your call. But DO NOT allow him to intimidate you just because he's a businessman. Good grief, he's in the same business as Bernie Madoff and AIG---the dregs of society. Put him in his place!

p.s. You can do this sweetly with a smile, without making an ugly scene. But let him know you have some backbone, and will insist on his respect.
- August 18th, 2009, 07:16 pm
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HappyandLight HappyandLight is offline
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Doodler wrote :
I'd be curious to hear a little more about what you mean by "stern".. So he's upset because you didn't do things HIS way. Are you willing to always do what he wants and deal with his "sternness" every time you do something he doesn't agree with? To me, what he got upset about seems very petty. Now, if you had run over his cat or something....
************

What I mean by stern can be everything from "firm", to "austere" to "harsh".

Often it will be something that isn't important.

I'll give an example: He'll be describing a situation to me and if I don't seem to get it, he'll snap back "NO, that's not it"! With the table at the outdoor restaurant it was like "why didn't you take the big table"? I said "it was taken"...He: "no it wasn't". Then I said "well, it was and besides I didn't want to hog a big table for just two people". Then he said "well don't be so polite"!!

I hear him on the phone with his clients and workers all the time and he is tres diplomatic with them. Never have I heard him raise his voice at them or be irritated. He has amazing communication skills, at least with them. He holds back. That's one of the things I find so attractive.

By the way, he made it clear he wants an "equal". He told me in the very beginning.

I am still happy with him overall but have noticed this more as of late. It just makes me wonder. He was sorry and I told him "I know you don't mean it, it's a habit". I am going to try to be less sensitive but still objective.

I won't be leaving him anytime soon. I would say "yes" to this man and we are a like in so many ways. I hope I either get used to it or he tones it down.

If that doesn't happen, I am not sure what will happen.

Be in the moment I guess.

Thanks everyone
- August 18th, 2009, 07:18 pm
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eHA_Admin_Lori eHA_Admin_Lori is offline
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HappyandLight wrote :

I won't be leaving him anytime soon. I would say "yes" to this man and we are a like in so many ways. I hope I either get used to it or he tones it down.
He needs to tone it way down, for sure. Don't accept anything less. You deserve to be treated well, we ALL do.

Good luck!!!!
- August 18th, 2009, 07:23 pm
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HappyandLight HappyandLight is offline
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[quote=Jato87;714299]This is a great topic, because I think a lot of men think they have the right to behave like this, and too many women allow them to. You're forgiving his rudeness because he's an alpha male. Whoop de fricken do!!!

You need to tell him that you're an alpha female, and you will not tolerate ANYONE telling you how to drive, which streets to take, where to park, or which table you find most to your liking. That's your own choice as an alpha female, and he needs to learn that!!

**********
Thank you I enjoyed your post.

I think I portrayed myself as too weak. Actually, I have spoken up to him about this. Even when I was upset, I let him know I thought it was not right.

For example, I said strongly "X, you know you go to far sometimes". The last time I did stand up for myself, I said "Hey!!! I can't believe you are criticizing me because I want to go around the block! I don't have power steering and turning around is too hard! I think you need to get out of the car NOW, I need some time to myself".

So I have, actually.

And lastly, I am not forgiving it because he's alpha....I was just throwing out ideas on *why* he is like this. To try to understand, not necessarily make it *ok*. I didn't know alpha males before so I don't know. But I can see it's probably not the reason and just a personality quirk.

The thing that bothers me the most on how it ruins the mood so quick and easy.

You are right, though. He is just a man. A man with imperfections. I've never come across these particular imperfections before and never had to deal before.

I'll be watching more.
- August 18th, 2009, 07:25 pm
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HappyandLight HappyandLight is offline
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eHA_Admin_Lori wrote :
HappyandLight, I don't normally chime in with advice (I manage the Community here) but I feel compelled to reply to your post because it reminds me of a somewhat similar situation from my past and I wish to perhaps spare you the regret I endured as a result of not going with my gut.

I agree 100% with the two posts I quoted above.

This is not the type of thing that gets better with time and as you grow closer with someone - generally these types of things get worse.

If I was in your position, here is what I would do: sit your boyfriend down and explain to him that you appreciate that he has his ideas about how certain things should be done but that you won't always be able (or willing) to do things his way, and that you are not perfect (nor is he). Make sure he knows how it makes you feel when he is "stern" with you (it sounds like: stressed out, belittled...) and that being treated in that manner is unacceptable to you. Finally, make him understand that if the situation does not improve you will need to re-evaluate whether or not you want to continue to grow your relationship.

Remember: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. People treat us as well (or as poorly) as we expect or allow them to.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Best,
-Lori

P.S. Incidentally, I think it's less about "testosterone" than it is about perhaps a Type-A personality or simply being a high-powered business person / "boss"; I know someone who treats her husband in exactly the same manner and it's NOT a great relationship......I feel badly for him whenever she cuts him down. That's not how people who love each other should treat each other, in my opinion.
***********

Lori, I wanted to acknowledge your post. Thanks for the specific instructions. I do believe you are right that it is about being "Type A" and/or a businessman rather than testosterone.

My "gut" tells me I am safe (for now) and he doesn't mean it. However, I am concerned it would get worse and become intolerable.

I don't know, it's a big question mark.

He said from our very first conversation he wanted an "equal". That was fine with me although in some ways it's impossible to be equal...I do not have his business level but I am more physically fit. ??? We are both brainy types...although I must admit, I don't feel he gives me credit for my smarts sometimes. We haven't discussed the concept of "equality" after that first discussion.

Excellent thoughts...thanks.
- August 18th, 2009, 07:37 pm
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Doodler Doodler is offline
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HappyandLight wrote :
************
.................

I hear him on the phone with his clients and workers all the time and he is tres diplomatic with them. ]Never have I heard him raise his voice at them or be irritated. He has amazing communication skills, at least with them. He holds back. That's one of the things I find so attractive.

By the way, he made it clear he wants an "equal". He told me in the very beginning.........

So he treats his clients and colleagues better than you? And that's OK? He may have verbalized that he wants an equal, but his actions say otherwise. I'm not advocating that you dump him immediately, but his behavior needs to change. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being belittled and feeling stressed and sad? (I'm not sure why, but this topic really has my dander up!)
- August 18th, 2009, 07:54 pm
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GypsyWillow GypsyWillow is offline
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Hi Happy, I am 44 and suffered from low self-esteem in my younger years. As a result of this I tended to hook up with losers or men with definate flaws because I didn't think I deserved any better then that. I suffered some very bad relationships.

You definately have a red flag here. You sound submissive he sounds domineering with issues. No man is SO GOOD that you deserve to be spoken to sharply, disrespectfully, snapped at, belittled etc.

You have tabled this topic for discussion and if he continues with this behavior please get away from him. It means that even after you have been assertive and confronted him it did not penetrate his brain.

It will most likely get worse as time passes. This is what is called mental and psychological abuse. It usually turns into physical abuse after a couple gets married but marriage is not neccessary for it to turn physical.

This is a very serious situation please don't just dismiss it as he would like you to. Dig deep into to this issue taking note of every single flaw, symptom and sign of irregular behavior. A good man does not slam doors, yell at you, bite your head off, give you lack of good communication, give you the silent treatment, play head games, try to turn things around as if it's you that is the problem and much more.

Please question his behavior and be on your toes with your eyes open. Be safe, stay safe and don't become a victim.
- August 18th, 2009, 08:05 pm
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CJF CJF is offline
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wrote :
I am still happy with him overall but have noticed this more as of late. It just makes me wonder. He was sorry and I told him "I know you don't mean it, it's a habit".
I am going to try to be less sensitive but still objective.
I won't be leaving him anytime soon. I would say "yes" to this man and we are a like in so many ways. I hope I either get used to it or he tones it down.
I don't mean to sound harsh but there are some serious red flags here. "I know you don't mean it, it's a habit"...It seems like you are making a lot of excuses for him. How long before you do this every time he acts like this?

He says he wants an equal but this sounds like a man who needs to be in control all the time.

"I hope I either get used to it or he tones it down.".....sorry but you should never get used to it.

It makes me sad that this obviously upsets you. We all want to be treated with love & respect in a relationship. Why should you be "less sensitive" to him acting like a jerk? (sorry)

Tell him how you feel about all of it and how much it hurts you. Don't let him say " I'm sorry" and then not change at all. You will have to ask yourself if you want to deal with it the rest of your life if you plan to stay with him. (unless he gets therapy?)

Good luck to you and never settle for less then how you want to be treated.
- August 18th, 2009, 08:05 pm
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CJF CJF is offline
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double posted
Last edited by CJF; August 18th, 2009 at 08:07 pm.
- August 18th, 2009, 08:05 pm
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yoga_gal yoga_gal is offline
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HappyandLight wrote :
************

What I mean by stern can be everything from "firm", to "austere" to "harsh".

Often it will be something that isn't important.

I'll give an example: He'll be describing a situation to me and if I don't seem to get it, he'll snap back "NO, that's not it"! With the table at the outdoor restaurant it was like "why didn't you take the big table"? I said "it was taken"...He: "no it wasn't". Then I said "well, it was and besides I didn't want to hog a big table for just two people". Then he said "well don't be so polite"!!

I hear him on the phone with his clients and workers all the time and he is tres diplomatic with them. Never have I heard him raise his voice at them or be irritated. He has amazing communication skills, at least with them. He holds back. That's one of the things I find so attractive.

I hope I either get used to it or he tones it down.

If that doesn't happen, I am not sure what will happen.

Be in the moment I guess.

Thanks everyone
Happy and Light, you say that one of the things that you find so attractive about this man is his amazing communication skills with people other than yourself but then you say he holds back. It doesn't seem to me that he is really communicating with them as much as he is putting on an act and not being his real self since he is one way with you and one way with them. Part of the dating process is finding out who someone really is. I wonder if you are finding out who this man really is (maybe the side he doesn't show to people he works with.)

While we are not always on our best behavior, there is no excuse for being controlling or demeaning to another person. No one should have to get used to this behavior.

I am all for being in the moment (comes with the yoga) but that does not mean that you continue to be in situations where someone tries to control your behavior over inconsequential things (which by your consent over little things usually leads to much larger things.) If anyone should be in the moment it sounds like he should try to be in the moment.

I am not saying dump him, but I would communicate that this behavior is unacceptable from here on out, end of story. If he respects you and sees you as an equal then he will follow through. If not, you have your answer.

Best of luck!
- August 18th, 2009, 08:30 pm
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