to leave or stay... incredible guy with immaturity issues


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
ssch is offline ssch Post #1  August 18,2009, 1:41pm
ssch's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 2

See profile

Hi there. It took a lot of tears to end up coming here for advice but I'm hoping I can get some real world insight to help me make a decision. I've been seeing a guy for over 8 months now and I'll try to give a bit of backstory.

I've lived with someone and have been in a longer relationship than he has, he's been in a several year long relationship but has never been this serious about someone. He's still at the point where he doesn't think about moving in or longer commitment yet. I obviously do but I don't ask or expect any of this for him, and he knows that. I'm content with things now.

The problem is how immature and inconsiderate he can be. This guy is someone who I genuinely fell head over heels for. We have so much in common, yet he's so different from anyone I had ever dated. He does all the small things... brings me flowers every month or two, is always offering to drive me to appointments or work, he tells me I'm beautiful every day... and while these things are all wonderful and already overshooting my expectations, my issue is with how he talks to me. He does all this great gentlemanly stuff, seems like the most caring guy around, yet he talks to me like one of the guys. He is rude, selfish, inconsiderate... he knows I'm a little sensitive but when he says something that I acknowledge hurts me, he says "whatever" or just brushes it off. And this repeats over and over.

I don't want him to change who he is. That's not what I want and that's not why I love him, but is it too much to ask to be interacted with like a long term girlfriend, not just a friend? He never apologizes or when he does it's the next day after a night of it escalating and me ending up very upset.

For some smaller incidents, it seems like he makes all his plans revolving around him and not me. He went to the cabin recently and said it was a guy's weekend. He got me to write down the directions from his friend but the friend was surprised when I said I wasn't coming, they all assumed I was, then when he was back from the lake I found out there were other girls there (none of which there's any chance of him cheating, but still).

Recently HE suggested we plan a trip together for next summer. We talked about money, where to go, if we should go with other people, and I've never seen him so excited about anything as he was about OUR trip! He even said we should try to learn a language together, and we agreed if we plan this and something else happens we'd go as friends, just in case. This all sounded great, but then the next day he was suddenly really reserved about it. He doesn't think it's a good idea we go away together (we already have, a big road trip together and also flew somewhere else in the country with one of his friends). What the heck just happened here?!

I hope I'm not just blinding in seeing things going downhill, because I genuinely don't want to let this one go. Not yet. I'm ready and open to do or say anything I can to make him understand how I feel. Yes I have tried talking to him and telling him how I feel he's treating me, but his response is either "call me when you calm down" or "driving you around, telling you you're beautiful, etc isn't enough?" How do I get through?! I just have no idea to get him to show me a little more respect when he talks to me because so far I'm not going anywhere and am ready to walk away.
 
  Reply With Quote
boccabum is offline boccabum Post #2  August 18,2009, 2:29pm
boccabum's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 974

See profile

You say you don't want to change him yet are hoping he will change...
"The problem is how immature and inconsiderate he can be."
If he's so incredible, he wouldn't be immature.
With all due respect...this really doesn't sound like he has the problem. You desperately want him to be something he's not. Either you accept him and his personality or you don't. I didn't read anything in here that smacked of horrible behavior. Just of things that YOU aren't accepting of. So? If you don't like it leave. You aren't and shouldn't wait for or try to change him and you know this.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  August 18,2009, 2:34pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,684

See profile

In my opinion, a partner ought to make at least some effort to accommodate tastes, such as your desire about his rude language. Keep in mind, that unless he has changed for the worse, this is more your issue for selecting this person in the first place. I would deal with this by making specific, direct requests.
[FONT=Arial]
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  August 18,2009, 2:34pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,684

See profile

..
Last edited by D_Lion; August 18,2009 at 2:36pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Understated is offline Understated Post #5  August 18,2009, 2:57pm
Understated's Avatar

is at home.

Newbie

Joined: Aug 2009

Louisvilly, Ky

Posts: 21

See profile

You don't say in your post how old either of you are and your profile has no age so I will be general here. He sounds like someone who is still figuring out who he is. One day he will be suave and mature, the next he acts like he misses his childhood. I can remember when I was like this, I was about 15. Too old to be a kid, too young to be mature. So, if he is 14 to 18 or so he is right on the mark. If older than this, you will have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with Harold or Kumar. The part about having a "Boys Weekend" where you were not invited but other girls were? Think of this as your wak-up call.

You on the other hand need to decide what you expect from a relationship and go for it. If you want maturity and consistancy in your life, keep looking for guys who have these traits. It is never a good idea to pick a guy and try to make him the way you want. If you fail, you waste your time, if you succede, he will resent it eventually because you didn't want him to be himself.

I wouldn't suggest waiting around to see if he settles down. It could be a long wait and there is no assuarce that it will ever happen. There are other guys out there who are more in line with what you seem to want in a relationship so go out and find them.
 
  Reply With Quote
Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #6  August 18,2009, 3:19pm
Oregon_Coast_…'s Avatar

We're one of a kind, like dip di-dip di-dip, doo-bop a doo-bee doo

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2008

OR

Posts: 2,405

See profile

I'm sorry, but you come across as more than just a little sensetive. You come across as REALLY sensetive. He is telling you to calm down for a reason.

But anyway, I digress. Here's the bottom line: He's either great, or he's immature. Immature is not a word you use to describe great guys. If you want to be with him, then tolerate his attitude. If you don't, then get out of your relationship with him.
 
  Reply With Quote
CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #7  August 18,2009, 3:34pm
CreolePrinces…'s Avatar

It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

The Dirty South

Posts: 2,575

See profile

To make it short, this seems like his personality and where he is right now at this point in his life. You say you don't want to change him. Well, even if you did, you couldn't. You can't change people. They must change themselves. You can encourage the change but can't force it.

So, either you have to accept him for who he is or move on.

Maybe, given time, he'll be at a different point in his life and more mature for you. Moving in together now may be a bit premature. So, waiting would be wise. That doesn't mean it's hopeless, and it doesn't mean the two of you are headed to splitsville. Perhaps, you just need more time.
 
  Reply With Quote
saltndlight is offline saltndlight Post #8  August 18,2009, 3:35pm
saltndlight's Avatar

I am home for christmas and having a blast:))

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2009

Portugal

Posts: 61

See profile

ssch wrote :
Hi there. It took a lot of tears to end up coming here for advice .
I just need this sentence from you.It doesn't seem you are in a safe relationship, or confort about this.You contradict yourself a few times in your words.You have to face the TRUE: you are not HAPPY, not SECURE with this guy, and you probably feel this is going to end, but you just don't have the courage to end this.
I've seen so much of these happening....women tend to hold unto a failed relationship, suffering endlessly while this goes on and on, just to not have to face the breakup(that will happen sooner or later), i know because i was one of them.
Good luck and hope you find the courage to end this, and wait until you find a guy with whom you just feel alright and happy-Good luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  August 18,2009, 5:34pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

He is totally taking you for granted. Its pretty obvious that you are doing all of the work in the relationship and he apparently expects it.

He throws you a couple of tokens ("beautiful" and flowers every couple of months) and expects it to make the rest okay.

He is who he is today. Take him or leave him. I personally would have said goodbye long ago.


 
  Reply With Quote
ssch is offline ssch Post #10  August 18,2009, 8:07pm
ssch's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 2

See profile

Thank you so much for the upfront honesty everyone, I definitely needed that.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Keeping the status quo | Relationships | He's going bald! Help! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:26pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0