How do you break up with a really nice guy?


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PreachersSon is offline PreachersSon Post #31  August 19,2009, 6:59pm
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How about we all agree that love is a choice BASED ON a feeling? Anything with no feeling is dead, but if all you've got is a feeling, it will eventually fade.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #32  August 20,2009, 12:32pm
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Bouffy wrote :
Love is a choice; Not a feeling. The feeling of being in love is genetically programed into us by our DNA. We are instinctually drawn to mate and procreate.

Loving in the romantic sense is a choice. If he's a good guy that you are going to give up on because you don't 'feel it' then you're doing yourself a disservice.

You'll find the same thing happens to the next guy, and the next one and the next. Just falling for that in love feeling is ridiculous. It's nice to get all lustful and bothered and fired up but why not try and create a little magic of your own?

Consider what you are giving up before you 'can' a good man.

Of course if you are unhappy then eventually you'll become jaded and start treating him badly and he'll leave.

Love ain't all sunshine and rainbows.
Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars,
Any heart, not tough, or strong, enough to take a lot of pain,
Love is like a cloud; Holds a lot of rain

Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They're not fooling me
I totally disagree with everything you stated.

I am with wonderwoman on this as I was in the thread that covered this topic. Love is a feeling and can be felt really deep. You can't have a "deep choice" but you can "love deeply", so, that is just another thing that proves that love is a feeling "love deeply" vs "choice deeply" NOT. True romance comes from within and sometimes can be felt deeply, there is that word again "deeply". You love someone so much that romance just comes so natural, specially if your naturally a romantic person. Go read that thread about "love is a choice". You are so missing out if you don't believe in falling "in love" or romance.
 
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librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #33  August 20,2009, 12:54pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
Hmm, why not let him take you out on your birthday and let him spend money on you, and then break it off with him? As a decent guy myself, I gurantee you that if my girlfriend let me spend money on her for her birthday, and then broke up with me a couple of days later, I would never speak to her again. And if this guy doesn't ever get mad at you, then he's a lame wimp (which is what I am guessing that you recognize).

So go ahead and get what you can from him before you kick him to the curb. And remember, his feelings are secondary. Rather than worry about how bad he will feel, think aboout how good you will feel to get out of this relationship.
I hope you are being facetious.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #34  August 20,2009, 1:20pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
Maybe it is cruel, but it gets the job done.

If more women were honest, rather than trying to be gentle aobut break-ups, more men would learn. What you ladies need to do is intead of telling a nice guy he's "nice" (because nice is a positive term) tell him that he's a wimp and what it is that is making him a wimp.

That's what the OP needs to do: let this guy know she thinks that he's lame, and what/why that is. Then he can make the improvements for the next time.
Being honest is much different than being cruel and using someone are. You can be 100% honest without using someone and without treating them like they're no better than the trash rotting on the curb. Being cruel is not kind, and it is seldom that anyone ever learns anything from being used and treated in a cruel manner--other than how to do the same to others. If anything, the only thing this will prove is that the person acting this way is a bully who gets their kicks from making others feel like crap about themselves.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #35  August 20,2009, 2:07pm
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Bouffy wrote :
Love is a choice; Not a feeling. The feeling of being in love is genetically programed into us by our DNA. We are instinctually drawn to mate and procreate.
Having pickle in a sandwich is a choice, but love is not a pickle in a sandwich unless you're making one for your girlfriend even though you hate pickle.

And since you don't have to be in love to procreate or procreate when you're in love that whole argument is suspect anyway.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #36  August 20,2009, 6:06pm
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PreachersSon wrote :
How about we all agree that love is a choice BASED ON a feeling? Anything with no feeling is dead, but if all you've got is a feeling, it will eventually fade.
Well if love was a choice in any way shape or form, I could have chosen NOT to love my xwife anymore but I could not. It took me a year just to be able to function, besides work, and another year to get my head straight and stop thinking about her every second of my day. And as for the feeling of love fading, NOPE, I was "in love" with her for over 18 years, she could still melt me with just a touch. True love never fades or dies but when it does end you have to learn to live again and that takes time, if it was a choice, you would need no time, just chose to stop loving them, that does not happen if you were truly in love. So for me love is more a feeling, a deep feeling when it is true. If you could just chose to stop loving someone then it is not nor never was true love, sorry.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #37  August 20,2009, 6:08pm
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Oh yes, I would rather be in love because of feel it rather then chose it and the same with her.
 
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Understated is offline Understated Post #38  August 20,2009, 7:45pm
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boccabum wrote :
Well, I wasn't trying to call HER out as much as using that as an example to the other guys reading this...which in fact, agrees with what you said: That being simply and only a nice guy isn't really what works and isn't enough. Many inexperianced young men hear all the time from women that all they want is just a nice guy. So they become that. A nice guy. But they evolve into this one-dimensional person that relies on and thinks that by simply being nice enough, they will win the girl. They try to manipulate with kindness, or to purchase her love. Then they wonder (like this guy probably will) what went wrong.
Somehow, in my twisted mind, I see the majority of posts on here by guys that are failing in their love life. And the majority of things I see is how these guys either never learned or have forgotten how to be a man that attracts a woman. Rather, they're men with the personality of a woman. And don't realize that most women want men (regardless of what they say).
You are confusing "Acting like a nice guy" with "Being a nice guy". Acting like a nice guy is, as you say, just another form of manipulation. As soon as you have the girl interested and attached, you start bringing out the real you in installments. That way, she will see you as a nice guy with some elements that she does not like.

Being a nice guy is just that. You act and think as a nice guy because you are. It is not something you do, it is simply who you are.

If a woman finds herself heading into a relationship with a "Real" nice guy and does not feel that it is a relationship she wants, then just tell the guy that while you know that there are other women out there who would love getting serious with him, you are not one of them. No need to really sugar coat it, but if you do want to keep him as a friend, you should not be harsh or too blunt. This could make him wonder what he has done to cause your loss of interest.

By the way, you did'nt say how far the friendship has gone before this. If it has been platonic with an occasional day or evening out, he does not really have alot of emotional investment yet (I know, cold term, but I couldn't think of a better one). If, however, it has become physical (from long hugs to sex), he has a rather large interest in furthering the relationship and will take it harder when it ends.
 
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Understated is offline Understated Post #39  August 20,2009, 8:32pm
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Sorry, I commited the sin of not reading the rest of the posts before I submitted that last post.

How does this order sound (seems right to me)

Noticing turns to interest to attraction to love/lust running neck and neck to love winning (if lucky) or lust winning (if you find the physical attraction stronger than the emotional one).

The backside of this (aka breaking down as opposed to breaking up which is faster) goes love/lust begins to fade and becomes appreciation/interest which slides into picking out faults/disinterest which finally can become hate/anger.

Relationships do not need to go all the way up or down this scale. If a relationship stops moving up the scale at interest or attraction it can develop into a close friendship but trying to force it any further would cause it to lead to one of those involved to feeling crowded by the other person.

Same on the way down. If a relationship starts heading down the scale and stops at appreciation/interest you can have an ex that you get along with but are no longer with. If it keeps sliding downhill, you can have an ex from hell.

As far as being in love and being in lust, both are "feelings". A feeling is not a choice but something that happens. When you have a physical reaction to a feeling, that is also not a choice. How you react to the feeling IS a matter of choice. Your reactions will be based on past experiences, moral standing, mental state, and even the setting you are in at the time.

The expression "fell instantly in love" simply means that the first two stages happened almost instantly (to lock eyes across a room, for example, you must first notice the other person and be attracted enough to them to keep eye contact long enough for them to notice you).

You can love without lusting and lust without loving, but the best thing in a relationship is when they are together.

Sorry, I tend to get long winded (fingered) when I reply to posts. Guess I will have to find a good listener when I start dating again.
Last edited by Understated; August 20,2009 at 8:36pm. Reason: afterthought
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #40  August 21,2009, 1:35am
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I agree with the guy who said let him pay to take you out for your birthday then dump him. Except you can go one better than that, if you haven't done so already. Say to him- "its my birthday weekend, and did I tell you what I like to do all weekend on my birthday?" then have amazing sex with him the rest of the weekend and then dump him.

At least he will have got his leg over one last time for buying your birthday dinner and you get to say good bye to him in style.

Just my 2p's worth (I'm English).
 
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