How do you break up with a really nice guy?


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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #21  August 17,2009, 6:18pm
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saltndlight wrote :
So tell me Oregon guy, you would be happy if your girlfriend did that to you?
I have a saying:dont' do the others what you don't wish they do to you.
That is very cruel and selfish.
I went through a very hard breakup last year but i must thank my ex that he was honest and gentle at the same time and he never disrespected me.
In the moment it may be hard to accept the true, but after the time you heal and at least you will not hate him/her and can even still respect each other and remain friends.
So my advice is this: start to be more distant so he can "feel" what is happening, refuse to go out with him and lately tell him you don't feel the relationship have a chance for future, but also tell him the good things you saw in him and be friendly.True always hurt less then games or being rude or cruel.Don't use him.
What we sow is what we reap!!!
Time heals everything!

Actually, I did have a g/f once who when she broke up with me, said to me, "When a girl says you're a nice/great guy, but... it means she thinks you're a p**sy. That's what I meant with you." She then went on to say and do what you say is cruel.

In hindsight, I'm grateful that she decided to be candidly honest with me. It helped me to change what was necessary to change within my personality, views, attitude and conduct, in order to build a relationship. If she had not done that and just tried to be gentle, I would have kept assuming that the problem was theirs and would not have looked inwardly to see that the problem was me. This happened during my sophomore year in college. She was the third girl I had ever gone out with.

And yes, later on, I did have a girl break up with me shortly after Christmas, after I had spent money on her. From that, I learned additional signals to look for that spelled a bad relationship, so that I can bail first.

Then again, given the fact I work with teenagers, I may just have a thicker skin than a lot of people...
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #22  August 17,2009, 6:23pm
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saltndlight wrote :
,....
So my advice is this: start to be more distant so he can "feel" what is happening, refuse to go out with him and lately tell him you don't feel the relationship have a chance for future, but also tell him the good things you saw in him and be friendly.

Ack! NO!!!! Don't do the "slow fade" - distancing thing!!! Read the "women in their caves" thread to see how HURTFUL that is!
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #23  August 17,2009, 6:40pm
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PreachersSon wrote :
Having just gone through this recently (I was the breakee, not the break-er, so I know what it feels like.), I would agree with those who've said to be direct, honest, and firm. It doesn't hurt to be kind, either, and give him a reason or two, if there is one. There's a reason the term "letting them down easy" was coined.

I think the approach of provoking a fight, or causing an artificial period of "coldness" are manipulative relationship games, and those who use them should be ashamed of themselves. Just be honest, direct, and leaven it with kindness. They are real people too, with feelings just like you, and there is no need to hurt them more than necessary. It will hurt anyway, and covering it with sugarcoating doesn't help. Sometimes, getting "sugar" in a wound just makes it fester, especially when you know it's fake. Still, there's no point in being unnecessarily hurtful either.

And for what it's worth, I've been broken up with ugly, I've been broken up with deceitfully, and I've been broken up with honestly. And I still respect the ones who were honest. Of course, there's honest, and then there's mean, but you know the difference I'm sure. Sometimes it's fine line to walk, but it beats being deceitful.
This is the BEST advice I've ever seen on breaking up with someone. I agree 100%.

The only things I'd add:
(1) Do the break-up in a public place, like a restaurant or coffee shop. Do NOT do it at your place (you may have a hard time getting him to leave) or at his place... it needs to be at a "neutral" place, where you can leave separately in your own cars (don't let him drive you there... meet him!). If possible, get there early and tell the hostess or waitress what's going to go on so they don't pester you to buy dessert, etc. You don't want to drag it out.
(2) Don't give him a list of things he's done that bothers you. He'll immediately vow to change and ask for a second chance.
(3) Do NOT say "lets be friends" or anything alluding to that. If he has strong loving feelings toward you, it will not be possible and he'll likely turn into a stalker (I know this from experience!)

Since he doesn't want to break up, it will still hurt him. But like PreachersSon says, at least he can look back on it and respect you for being honest and direct. I have a LOT more respect for the guys who have broken up with me decently than the ones who did "slow fades," poofing, crazy-making, or picking fights.

Hmmm... anything else? Well, there's the "Seinfeld" rule... you can't break up with a person unless it's been at least 3 weeks since you've had sex. So if that's going on... cool it.
 
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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #24  August 17,2009, 6:48pm
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If you want to know how to tell him, try telling him, just as you told all of us. You might even want to print your post to prepare for the conversation.

It's OK by the way. It's OK that he's a wonderful, nice guy for someone else, and you're just not into him. It happens. This is why people date each other to see if they have what it takes for the long haul. For you, he doesn't. And, he needs to know this as soon as possible, so he can get on with finding the woman for him, since it isn't going to be you.

But be an adult and woman up. Have the difficult talk in a straight up fashion. Don't do the slow fade out, or the pick-a-fight approach, or any of the other juvenile dumping scenes. Don't leave him all beat up, so the next woman has to pay for your breakup crimes. He deserves better of you.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #25  August 18,2009, 12:44pm
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I would take HIM out to diner and be open and honest with him. Make sure that this is really what you want because he may try to change your mind. Go over what your going to say to him in your mind over and over before the date. It probably won't go as planned in your mind but at least you will have a good plan. He will want to know that if he is such a great guy then why you breaking up with me, have a good answer for that. If you said to him that you love him, he will want to know if you meant it and what changed, have a good answer for that too. You know him best so go over all the replies that you might get from him in your head that way the breakup may go a little easier on him and you. Just my 2 cents.
 
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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #26  August 19,2009, 11:20am
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missy2u2002 wrote :
Ok so I have discovered there is no such thing as love at first site, truely it is just lust!!! However this guy that I have been seeing is a really great and wonderful man in so many ways, but I just do not feel the same excitement as I did. His little quirks and what not's are a bit irritating and some of them I do not believe I can deal with long term.

He tells me how much he loves and cares for me and I have said it back, I do love or care very much for him, but I do not feel that I am "in love" with him. I know it is going to break his heart and I feel just terrible. But I also know it is wrong to lead him on knowing or feeling that there really is no hope for us long term. He wanted to take me out this weekend for my birthday and I just can not let him do that. I do not believe that he has put a deposit or anything yet but I don't want him to spend his money on me.

So there is nothing really wrong with him or anything he has done, how do I tell him? I would usually just make him mad so he would break up with me but I don't believe there is anything I could do that would cause him to do that.( I know thats not right either)

Love is a choice; Not a feeling. The feeling of being in love is genetically programed into us by our DNA. We are instinctually drawn to mate and procreate.

Loving in the romantic sense is a choice. If he's a good guy that you are going to give up on because you don't 'feel it' then you're doing yourself a disservice.

You'll find the same thing happens to the next guy, and the next one and the next. Just falling for that in love feeling is ridiculous. It's nice to get all lustful and bothered and fired up but why not try and create a little magic of your own?

Consider what you are giving up before you 'can' a good man.

Of course if you are unhappy then eventually you'll become jaded and start treating him badly and he'll leave.

Love ain't all sunshine and rainbows.
Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars,
Any heart, not tough, or strong, enough to take a lot of pain,
Love is like a cloud; Holds a lot of rain

Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They're not fooling me
 
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missy2u2002 is offline missy2u2002 Post #27  August 19,2009, 12:18pm
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Thank you all for the advice, I did have a talk with him last night and I explained we live two different lifestyles. I did tell him he is a great guy, but we are too different and I am not looking to make him change the way he is and I am not likely to change who I am and be happy about it. He took it ok, was sad but seemed to understand.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #28  August 19,2009, 12:52pm
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missy2u2002 wrote :
Thank you all for the advice, I did have a talk with him last night and I explained we live two different lifestyles. I did tell him he is a great guy, but we are too different and I am not looking to make him change the way he is and I am not likely to change who I am and be happy about it. He took it ok, was sad but seemed to understand.
Kudos to you for honesty, and choosing what was probably the best solution. Now you can both move on and find the one that is the right match for you.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #29  August 19,2009, 3:18pm
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missy2u2002 wrote :
Thank you all for the advice, I did have a talk with him last night and I explained we live two different lifestyles. I did tell him he is a great guy, but we are too different and I am not looking to make him change the way he is and I am not likely to change who I am and be happy about it. He took it ok, was sad but seemed to understand.
Wow, you went the extremely cruel way. Touche...
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #30  August 19,2009, 5:15pm
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Bouffy wrote :
Love is a choice; Not a feeling. The feeling of being in love is genetically programed into us by our DNA. We are instinctually drawn to mate and procreate.

Loving in the romantic sense is a choice. If he's a good guy that you are going to give up on because you don't 'feel it' then you're doing yourself a disservice.

You'll find the same thing happens to the next guy, and the next one and the next. Just falling for that in love feeling is ridiculous. It's nice to get all lustful and bothered and fired up but why not try and create a little magic of your own?
I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with this! There's a whole 'nother thread about whether love is a choice or a feeling. Love is a FEELING. You can choose what to do with that feeling, but love is a feeling. If it's not there, it's just not there. You can't force it. If you do, you're doing both of you a disservice.
 
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