How do you break up with a really nice guy?


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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #11  August 17,2009, 3:09pm
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brneyedangel wrote :
This would be cruel and it would be using him. They are also two things that leave a bad taste in most men's mouths about women. I'd suggest going with DancingFool's suggestion instead.

As for looking for a nice guy, having him, and breaking up with him, the reality is that not every nice guy equates to a good match for every single woman out there, just as not every kind, caring, and compassionate woman does not equate to a good match for every single man out there. So rather than calling her out on that, boccabum, it might be better to appreciate her honesty in giving that nice guy a chance to find a better match for him. Don't they both deserve that?
Maybe it is cruel, but it gets the job done.

If more women were honest, rather than trying to be gentle aobut break-ups, more men would learn. What you ladies need to do is intead of telling a nice guy he's "nice" (because nice is a positive term) tell him that he's a wimp and what it is that is making him a wimp.

That's what the OP needs to do: let this guy know she thinks that he's lame, and what/why that is. Then he can make the improvements for the next time.
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #12  August 17,2009, 3:16pm
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coming from the receiving end of such breakup, and still going through the emotional upheaval that this caused, let me tell you that you will do him the best favor by being honest about your feelings and forthcoming about the fact that you don't see a future with him. It helps him to find the closure he needs/deserves and he can heal much easier than being given false hope.

What you said about doing something to make him mad, is exactly what my ex-partner did to me, pick a fight out of a tiny situation that could/would have been resolved, and then she just wanted indefinite time, refuse to talk and eventually asking me to move on... the longer this last the worst it hurts the other person, and it sure has hurt me so much, with the "hope/false hope" I grabbed onto, makes each hour spent like day, trying to understand what's going on, trying to wait for the recovery, analysing over and over and hoping for her return...

All you trying to do is not to be the "bad guy", there is no "good/bad" in a relationship, if it doesn't work or the feelings are not matching, it's only normal. All you have to do is to tell him. By doing anything deceptive or leading him with false hope, you ARE making yourself the "bad guy" now.

Let him know the truth!
 
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saltndlight is offline saltndlight Post #13  August 17,2009, 4:02pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
So go ahead and get what you can from him before you kick him to the curb. And remember, his feelings are secondary. Rather than worry about how bad he will feel, think aboout how good you will feel to get out of this relationship.
So tell me Oregon guy, you would be happy if your girlfriend did that to you?
I have a saying:dont' do the others what you don't wish they do to you.
That is very cruel and selfish.
I went through a very hard breakup last year but i must thank my ex that he was honest and gentle at the same time and he never disrespected me.
In the moment it may be hard to accept the true, but after the time you heal and at least you will not hate him/her and can even still respect each other and remain friends.
So my advice is this: start to be more distant so he can "feel" what is happening, refuse to go out with him and lately tell him you don't feel the relationship have a chance for future, but also tell him the good things you saw in him and be friendly.True always hurt less then games or being rude or cruel.Don't use him.
What we sow is what we reap!!!
Time heals everything!
 
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Robert_inSD is offline Robert_inSD Post #14  August 17,2009, 4:17pm
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Be honest and forthright, and do it at least one the phone, if not in person. If you are resolute in your decision, be prompt. Delaying your action just perpetuates the situation, and harms you both.

You'll need to be firm, but it lets you both move on, and lets him at least ask about what bothered you. This will actually allow you both to heal more quickly, and get on with your lives.

My sympathies for the situation for both of you. I faced the mirror of it this last weekend, and although we parted with a hug, I feel badly myself. I know I did the right thing, but it sure was (and still is, after 2 days) not comfortable.
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #15  August 17,2009, 4:23pm
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saltndlight wrote :
So my advice is this: start to be more distant so he can "feel" what is happening, refuse to go out with him and lately tell him you don't feel the relationship have a chance for future, but also tell him the good things you saw in him and be friendly.True always hurt less then games or being rude or cruel.Don't use him.
What we sow is what we reap!!!
Time heals everything!
I agree with other things you said except for the above about letting him "feel" what is happening.

Perhaps by letting him "feel" what's happening to you is a way of setting prelude to your conversation. It's this dragging on period of 'turning cold' without knowing what's really going on that's causing the hurt. the longer you let him "feel" what's going on, the more guessing work he has to do, going through all the wondering, analyzing and blindly holding up hope is exactly this "feeling period" induces. The longer the more hurtful.

Why can't you just say i've been thinking about our relationship lately, and would like to share with you some of my thoughts. Then set a meeting up and break out the news with honesty.

Being nice and saying nice things about him is unnecessary. Just focus on the fact your feelings for each other is not matching, that's what's required for a relationship to work, and therefore, it is not working. Tell him how good he is only leaves him wonder why the hell then you don't want me, he will go through the fault finding with himself and trying to work out what's with him that could have made you leaving. The fact that you are leaving is just about your unmatched feelings for him. simple.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #16  August 17,2009, 4:55pm
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OCG, I'm all for thinking outside the box when it comes to the wiles of dating. But what you've proposed makes no sense. The best break-up accomplishes the job at hand, and hopefully leaves both people with enough emotional energy to proceed with that march toward love.

A tactful breakup will teach him the appropriate lesson. I don't think using him to "punish" him for being too nice is the way to go about it. Sometimes the "why" becomes a point of discussion in a breakup, and sometimes it doesn't. Whether he learn from her or from the next woman, he will learn. But your suggestion might actually make him bitter towards women, and that's not the lesson he needs to learn.
 
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shrek99352 is offline shrek99352 Post #17  August 17,2009, 5:18pm
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Coming from my own experience... Be direct and honest.

My ex-girlfriend was not able to do that, instead she lied her way out of the relationship, tried to get in a fight with me, and now we are no longer in the relationship or even friends for that matter.

4 Years of a friendship gone down the tubes because she could not be honest and direct with me.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but it is something to think about...
Last edited by shrek99352; August 17,2009 at 5:24pm.
 
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PreachersSon is offline PreachersSon Post #18  August 17,2009, 5:20pm
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Having just gone through this recently (I was the breakee, not the break-er, so I know what it feels like.), I would agree with those who've said to be direct, honest, and firm. It doesn't hurt to be kind, either, and give him a reason or two, if there is one. There's a reason the term "letting them down easy" was coined.

I think the approach of provoking a fight, or causing an artificial period of "coldness" are manipulative relationship games, and those who use them should be ashamed of themselves. Just be honest, direct, and leaven it with kindness. They are real people too, with feelings just like you, and there is no need to hurt them more than necessary. It will hurt anyway, and covering it with sugarcoating doesn't help. Sometimes, getting "sugar" in a wound just makes it fester, especially when you know it's fake. Still, there's no point in being unnecessarily hurtful either.

And for what it's worth, I've been broken up with ugly, I've been broken up with deceitfully, and I've been broken up with honestly. And I still respect the ones who were honest. Of course, there's honest, and then there's mean, but you know the difference I'm sure. Sometimes it's fine line to walk, but it beats being deceitful.

For what it's worth, I think Oregon Coast Guy was trying to be humorous, or was ALREADY bitter against women.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #19  August 17,2009, 5:26pm
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PreachersSon wrote :
Having just gone through this recently (I was the breakee, not the break-er, so I know what it feels like.), I would agree with those who've said to be direct, honest, and firm. It doesn't hurt to be kind, either, and give him a reason or two, if there is one. There's a reason the term "letting them down easy" was coined.

I think the approach of provoking a fight, or causing an artificial period of "coldness" are manipulative relationship games, and those who use them should be ashamed of themselves. Just be honest, direct, and leaven it with kindness. They are real people too, with feelings just like you, and there is no need to hurt them more than necessary. It will hurt anyway, and covering it with sugarcoating doesn't help. Sometimes, getting "sugar" in a wound just makes it fester, especially when you know it's fake. Still, there's no point in being unnecessarily hurtful either.

And for what it's worth, I've been broken up with ugly, I've been broken up with deceitfully, and I've been broken up with honestly. And I still respect the ones who were honest. Of course, there's honest, and then there's mean, but you know the difference I'm sure. Sometimes it's fine line to walk, but it beats being deceitful.

For what it's worth, I think Oregon Coast Guy was trying to be humorous, or was ALREADY bitter against women.
I was waiting for the punchline (or the ever-helpful emoticon), but neither was forthcoming.

PreachersSon, this was a great post. As the saying goes, "breaking up is hard to do," and if the person you're dumping is a nice person, it's even more difficult. Most of us have been on both sides of the equation.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #20  August 17,2009, 5:28pm
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Totally random: PreachersSon, your username made me think of that song "Son of a Preacher Man" and now I cant get it out of my head.

I think I need to go now lol I need a nap or something.



 
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