pa88 is offline pa88 Post #1  August 16,2009, 4:57pm
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been wondering bout the guy i've dated for several months. i thought he was really great in beginning but suspicions of his desires soon began bothering me. i heard that he had been with a guy several years ago and tried not to think about it. but way too many signs began showing. can anybody tell me things that i should look for?
 
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Honestgetsdishonest is offline Honestgetsdishonest Post #2  August 16,2009, 5:25pm
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pa88 wrote :
been wondering bout the guy i've dated for several months. i thought he was really great in beginning but suspicions of his desires soon began bothering me. i heard that he had been with a guy several years ago and tried not to think about it. but way too many signs began showing. can anybody tell me things that i should look for?
This is a tough one.

I know you have heard of the term "In the closet"

Well, some guys do not want to come out of the closet. They will do everything they can to keep their desires secret. I have sen men date, even marry women so no one will find out the truth. That way they can keep their job, friends or even make their parents happy.

1. Ask his mother. Mothers can always tell things about their sons. Unless she is a hard core religious and completely in denial.

2. Ask his friends. If this guy has a BEST friend, I mean a friend that he has known for years they would know.

If he has a guy friend that he hangs out with A LOT and the friend is gay...big sign there.
 
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Faerie is offline Faerie Post #3  August 16,2009, 5:59pm
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You should try to be open enough that he would feel very comfortable telling you something like that if you asked. If he's desperate about keeping it a secret, he probably won't tell you unless seriously prompted.

It sounds as though you would be bothered by his bisexuality, and if you've ever said anything out somehow against the LGBTQ community, he probably would be very nervous about telling you.

In any case, ask him, or wait for him to tell you. If you both are serious about your relationship, he'll have to tell you eventually, and if you love him and respect him enough, you will be OK with it. And if you're not OK with it, he's not your guy.

Sorry this is kind of jumbled.

P.S.- Just because he's bisexual does not mean he's going to cheat on you with a guy, or that he'll fantasize about guys while with you. I am a bisexual female, and my boyfriend and I have been happily together for almost a year now, and I haven't though about being with a girl at all in that time. So, theoretically, you have nothing to worry about. There's nothing he can do about it. : )
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  August 16,2009, 6:11pm
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Faerie wrote :
...
P.S.- Just because he's bisexual does not mean he's going to cheat on you with a guy, or that he'll fantasize about guys while with you. I am a bisexual female, and my boyfriend and I have been happily together for almost a year now, and I haven't though about being with a girl at all in that time. So, theoretically, you have nothing to worry about. There's nothing he can do about it. : )
Actually guys are very, very rarely bi-sex-ual. Most guys are gay or straight and nothing in between. A couple of the above posters are very correct that some gay guys will hide this by being married and having children. But this doesn't make them not gay - they're still gay.

If you think he might be gay and he has engaged in same sex relationships in the past, then he probably was and is gay.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #5  August 16,2009, 6:55pm

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pa88 wrote :
been wondering bout the guy i've dated for several months. i thought he was really great in beginning but suspicions of his desires soon began bothering me. i heard that he had been with a guy several years ago and tried not to think about it. but way too many signs began showing. can anybody tell me things that i should look for?
I must say that you are ignorant and a dangerous person to be friends with because you can destroy someones reputation for no apparent reason. If you really want to know ask him! Gay or Bi-sexual men would not waste their time dating on EH. I mean what is wrong with you that you can not just ask him? Shame on you!

Harvey7.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #6  August 16,2009, 7:40pm
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Harvey, you need to calm down a bit! She's not ignorant or dangerous and she's not destroying anyone's reputation by asking on an anonymous board for advice about an unnamed person.

OP, I dated a man who later came out of the closet. At the time, I had no clue and was somewhat devestated when he came out to me a year and a half after we broke up. (I had a post on here about it; you can search for it if you like.)

In hindsight, there were some things that I realize now were not quite right. If he's bisexual as you suspect rather than gay as other posters have suggested, this may be of no help but maybe something will help.

My friend had been married twice and fathered a son. The first time he got married, he had been away at boot camp, came home on leave, and married his high school sweetheart. However, they didn't consummate the marriage until they had been married for 3 months. He told me that he wanted a piece of home with him before he shipped out to an extremely distant part of the country. When they got divorced, he went home and married the girl who had been his best childhood friend as soon as the divorce was final. He could never really explain what went wrong either time.

I was his first/only gf after the 2nd divorce. Within about 2 wks, he started talking about getting married, where he would take me on our honeymoon, etc. Now you would think this would be a huge red flag, but, silly me, we had been friends for a while & I think I was just a little (or a lot LOL) overwhelmed. Keep in mind that while he was planning all of this, he hadn't yet told me he loved me. Also throughout our entire relationship, he was never eager to get physical. When the relationship finally did become 'somewhat' physical, he was unable to perform..... ever. Lots of excuses, but never any real reasons. Also, when we did try anything physical, it had to be completely dark in the room, as in pitch black. (I know...How did I not figure out something was wrong?!?)

We both come from very traditional, conservative, Christian backgrounds. Looking back, it was really difficult for him to come to terms with and even harder for him to tell others. His family still doesn't know and only selected friends know. He struggled with the decision to come out of the closet for a very long time and, I think, he was trying to convince himself with me and with his 2 wives that it wasn't true.

Good luck!
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #7  August 16,2009, 9:31pm
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If you think this guy is into other guys - as a woman - you will always lose.

Good luck.
 
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VictoriaJ is offline VictoriaJ Post #8  August 16,2009, 10:04pm
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As Faerie said...

Just ask him. And you will be more likely to get the truth out of him if you ask in a way that offers him acceptance of who he really is, whether he is gay, straight, bisexual or whatever, and whether or not he is the man for you.
 
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Jedi_Scout is offline Jedi_Scout Post #9  August 16,2009, 10:42pm
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DDjr wrote :
Actually guys are very, very rarely bi-sex-ual. Most guys are gay or straight and nothing in between.
Statistical models break down when you're talking about an individual. Generalizing from anecdotal evidence doesn't work because the sample size is too small and applying a generalization to a specific person also can fail. An individual may vary from the average. It doesn't matter what "most" do when you're talking about a sample size of one.

It also depends on how you define bisexual. For example, there are a lot of guys in prison who would classify themselves as straight and they've engaged in homosexual sex acts. Are they straight because they say they're straight; straight because they prefer women but only will have sex with other men when no women are available; bisexual because they've engaged in sex with at least one man and one woman during their lives; or gay because once a guy has had sex with another man he must be gay?

DDjr wrote :
If you think he might be gay and he has engaged in same sex relationships in the past, then he probably was and is gay.
The poster may have heard unreliable info regarding the guy's past and now may be misreading signs or heard something accurate but is now projecting her own fears or could really be with a bisexual man who wants to play both sides. It's very difficult to tell with the limited information the original poster supplied.

pa88 wrote :
i heard that he had been with a guy several years ago and tried not to think about it. but way too many signs began showing.
I don't know where to start- You heard he was with a guy several years ago. What's the source of the info? What signs are showing?

Even if it is a credible source, the guy could have been experimenting years ago and it may mean nothing more than he was trying to get sexual gratification.

This is anecdotal so you shouldn't generalize from it but it may help you understand the things some people have done. Over the years, I have known some men and women who experimented and who have talked about it. One term I heard to describe girls in college who were experimenting with other women was L.U.G.s (lesbians until graduation). During their college years these girls were primarily with other girls. Several I knew are now married with kids and they now dismiss their time with other women.

I also know of several guys who experimented with other men and then settled down with wives of their own and now have kids. One of them used to make fun of his best friend for having "gay" tendencies and it turned out the guy who was so concerned about his friend being gay was the guy who had been playing both sides.

One of the gay guys I knew actually came out of the closet as a bisexual which was funny because the revelation did not thrill his gay friends. I have no idea what side that guy is on now.

My point is if you're with someone and you want to know what they want, you have to ask them. If you do not feel you are getting a truthful answer then the issue isn't as much about their sexual preference as it is about trust. Without trust, what kind of relationship can you have?
Last edited by Jedi_Scout; August 16,2009 at 10:45pm.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #10  August 17,2009, 8:13am

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singinggirl wrote :
Harvey, you need to calm down a bit! She's not ignorant or dangerous and she's not destroying anyone's reputation by asking on an anonymous board for advice about an unnamed person.

OP, I dated a man who later came out of the closet. At the time, I had no clue and was somewhat devestated when he came out to me a year and a half after we broke up. (I had a post on here about it; you can search for it if you like.)

In hindsight, there were some things that I realize now were not quite right. If he's bisexual as you suspect rather than gay as other posters have suggested, this may be of no help but maybe something will help.

My friend had been married twice and fathered a son. The first time he got married, he had been away at boot camp, came home on leave, and married his high school sweetheart. However, they didn't consummate the marriage until they had been married for 3 months. He told me that he wanted a piece of home with him before he shipped out to an extremely distant part of the country. When they got divorced, he went home and married the girl who had been his best childhood friend as soon as the divorce was final. He could never really explain what went wrong either time.

I was his first/only gf after the 2nd divorce. Within about 2 wks, he started talking about getting married, where he would take me on our honeymoon, etc. Now you would think this would be a huge red flag, but, silly me, we had been friends for a while & I think I was just a little (or a lot LOL) overwhelmed. Keep in mind that while he was planning all of this, he hadn't yet told me he loved me. Also throughout our entire relationship, he was never eager to get physical. When the relationship finally did become 'somewhat' physical, he was unable to perform..... ever. Lots of excuses, but never any real reasons. Also, when we did try anything physical, it had to be completely dark in the room, as in pitch black. (I know...How did I not figure out something was wrong?!?)

We both come from very traditional, conservative, Christian backgrounds. Looking back, it was really difficult for him to come to terms with and even harder for him to tell others. His family still doesn't know and only selected friends know. He struggled with the decision to come out of the closet for a very long time and, I think, he was trying to convince himself with me and with his 2 wives that it wasn't true.

Good luck!
The ignorance is accepted a 3rd. or 4th. party gossip as factual! If your friends and or date, the proper answer is I've dated him and he seems to be a gentleman, but I will ask him about it when I speak to him. Do you mind if I give him your phone number so he can find out who started the rumor? That's a friend!

Harvey7.
 
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