Needing space or cheating....?


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gannj is offline gannj Post #1  August 13,2009, 3:43pm
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My bf and I hacve been together for maybe 5 months. we are together almost all the time and it is great. We sometimes take a break form each other for a weekend maybe a day. When we are on our break and I call him, he sounds angry and it seems he completely forgets about my love. He talks to me like a friend on the phone and always has some excuse as to why he can't talk right now. When he is on hsi way home form work or anything it takes him almost 2 hours sometimes. Whne i ask about it he says 'you know, I have a life too. I have things I have to do". So I say OK and leave it be. Any time I am feeling like he is cheating on me or something, i ask him and we tlak about it. Not an arguement or fight just talk. He assures me that he is happy with me and that I make him so happy and I am his dream come true... he makes me happy and we have amazing times with almost no fighting, but the feelings of anxiety that I have when he ignores me,gives me excuses, or takes forever to get home, is killing me..
What do i do...............
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  August 13,2009, 4:03pm
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gannj wrote :
My bf and I hacve been together for maybe 5 months. we are together almost all the time and it is great. We sometimes take a break form each other for a weekend maybe a day. When we are on our break and I call him, he sounds angry and it seems he completely forgets about my love. He talks to me like a friend on the phone and always has some excuse as to why he can't talk right now. When he is on hsi way home form work or anything it takes him almost 2 hours sometimes. Whne i ask about it he says 'you know, I have a life too. I have things I have to do". So I say OK and leave it be. Any time I am feeling like he is cheating on me or something, i ask him and we tlak about it. Not an arguement or fight just talk. He assures me that he is happy with me and that I make him so happy and I am his dream come true... he makes me happy and we have amazing times with almost no fighting, but the feelings of anxiety that I have when he ignores me,gives me excuses, or takes forever to get home, is killing me..
What do i do...............
Do you have any real reason to suspect that he's cheating on you? It sounds like he spends A LOT of time with you and that he's very happy with you, so what is it, exactly, that makes you think that he's being unfaithful.

Part of being in a relationship is trusting the person you are with. Without trust, you'll never be able to build a relationship that is going to last. Based on what you have posted here, it sounds like any time he is away from you, you don't trust him. You both need to have lives separate from your relationship. That's normal and healthy. It sounds like, at least for you, your life is your relationship.

Unless there is something specific that you've neglected to mention here, I think you really need to cut your boyfriend some slack. He sounds like he really cares about you and he sounds like an incredibly patient man. If you keep questioning him and his faithfulness, you're going to push him away. No one likes to be accused of being unfaithful, especially if there are no grounds for the accusation, and I don't see anything here that justifies your thoughts along these lines. Give him his space when you are apart so that your time together is all that more special, and try to quit expecting the worst, or that's exactly what you'll end up getting eventually. And try to work on feeling more secure in yourself and in your relationship.

Best of luck to you!
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  August 13,2009, 4:37pm
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gannj wrote :
My bf and I hacve been together for maybe 5 months. we are together almost all the time and it is great. We sometimes take a break form each other for a weekend maybe a day. When we are on our break and I call him, he sounds angry and it seems he completely forgets about my love. He talks to me like a friend on the phone and always has some excuse as to why he can't talk right now. When he is on hsi way home form work or anything it takes him almost 2 hours sometimes. Whne i ask about it he says 'you know, I have a life too. I have things I have to do". So I say OK and leave it be. Any time I am feeling like he is cheating on me or something, i ask him and we tlak about it. Not an arguement or fight just talk. He assures me that he is happy with me and that I make him so happy and I am his dream come true... he makes me happy and we have amazing times with almost no fighting, but the feelings of anxiety that I have when he ignores me,gives me excuses, or takes forever to get home, is killing me..
What do i do...............
Are you living together? You haven't said so. I've got to wonder how you know how long it takes him to get home?

I've seen nothing in your OP to lead me to believe he's cheating on you. I think your suspicions have more to do with your own insecurity than what he's doing.

I think that's where you should focus your energy.

The next time you take a break from each other, don't call him. Since he has assured you he's not cheating on you, you either have to take his word for it, have him followed to confirm your suspicions, or break up with him just to get it over with.

I know which one I would pick!
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #4  August 13,2009, 4:47pm
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Sometimes a person just need time to be an individual and not a part of a couple, just like parents sometimes need time to be non-parents. If he's getting angry that you call when you've agreed to take a small break from each other, it's probably because he feels that you are interrupting his personal time. It may have nothing to do with him cheaing or him not loving you. Haven't you ever had a friend call and because his/her name popped on the caller ID didn't answer the phone because you just didn't feel like talking to him/her at the time although that person had done nothing wrong and you weren't angry with him/her? Some people just require more space than others. That doesn't make them wrong, bad, or cheaters. However, if there are other reasons that you have that you suspect that he's cheating, then look into the matter closer. Otherwise, you may start to come across as being too clingy.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #5  August 13,2009, 4:48pm
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Unless your guy has given you specific reason to believe he is cheating then all you have is pure conjecture. Everyone has errands to run from time to time. If he is running these errands after work then they could easily take up to a couple of hours or more to complete especially at rush hour. For all you know he got stuck in traffic behind a traffic accident and could not find a way to go around it. He might have had to go to more than one store to find that one thing he needed to complete a project.

To me you some like the clingy type. You best change your ways or kiss him good bye as he will not tolerate your behavior for long. Good luck
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #6  August 13,2009, 8:08pm

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Your smothering him to death. We all need some time and space for ourselves. When someone takes a time out for themselves they want to spend time away from you or whatever he feels that is bringing pressure on him to escape from or to hang with his friends or whatever to relaxes him.

What is probably bugging him is your insecurity about him and your inability to be a self reliant person that can fulfill much of your needs.
When he is taking the day off he does not a phone call from his boss or from his girlfriend checking on him, he has a phone and can call you if he chooses to, right? But that is not the point, your insecurity is driving him crazy. Maybe you should try some short term therapy to understand your insecurity and how to change it. Try this link.

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - NetworkTherapy.com Directory of Therapists

Additionally you could hire a Private Investigator to follow him for a few days or try the therapy?

Harvey7.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #7  August 13,2009, 9:32pm
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I'm confused, if you sometimes take a break from each other for a day or a weekend then why are you calling him during that break? It's supposed to be time apart and if you're calling him then that's defeating the whole purpose, so it's understandable if he sometimes sounds a little angry or distant if you can't give him even that much space.
Everyone needs some space in their lives, some "Me" time, but it sounds like you are trying to monopolise every second of his day because your insecurity doesn't allow you to trust him out of your sight, and when he is you constantly grill him about cheating.
That's not a healthy attitude for a relationship and to be honest i'm surprised he's still there. I've had a couple of relationships like that, the constant demands for reassurance get very tiring and the constant suspicion is more than just annoying, it's insulting too. When that happens the amount of work going into the relationship far outweighs any enjoyment from it, i stop looking forward to being with that person and start finding reasons to be apart. And i know when it gets to that then it is time for me to leave.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  August 14,2009, 1:38am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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OK....let's put the wonderful eHarmony Advice guys aside. Most of the men I know IRL....'cheating' is their default setting. If you have a suspicion they're f#%$ing around on you.... they are. They probably are even if you think they aren't. I'm not saying it's right....just very common in relatively new relationships.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #9  August 14,2009, 2:18am
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jayjay wrote :
OK....let's put the wonderful eHarmony Advice guys aside. Most of the men I know IRL....'cheating' is their default setting. If you have a suspicion they're f#%$ing around on you.... they are. They probably are even if you think they aren't. I'm not saying it's right....just very common in relatively new relationships.
Thanks for the reassuance Jayjay!
I think I might stay single for the rest of my life now, just to be sure...
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #10  August 14,2009, 2:26am
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Harvey7 wrote :
Your smothering him to death. We all need some time and space for ourselves. When someone takes a time out for themselves they want to spend time away from you or whatever he feels that is bringing pressure on him to escape from or to hang with his friends or whatever to relaxes him.

What is probably bugging him is your insecurity about him and your inability to be a self reliant person that can fulfill much of your needs.
When he is taking the day off he does not a phone call from his boss or from his girlfriend checking on him, he has a phone and can call you if he chooses to, right? But that is not the point, your insecurity is driving him crazy.


Unless you missed a critical piece of information, I'm with Dr Harvey on the above part of his post.

If you agree to take a day off from each other once in a while, then why are you calling him? You already spend a lot of time together by the sound of it. If I were him, I'd be annoyed too, to be honest.

My next question is have you been cheated on in a previous relationship? If so, then you need to deal with this issue and soon, before you lose this guy, who sounds pretty good to me in your post. Depending on the severity, you may or may not require counseling. But one thing is for sure - it's not your current boyfriend's fault and he should not be paying the price for it, especially not unknowingly.

If you have this issue from the past (sounds like it to me - either that or a rather irrational fear), then you should make him aware of it, and you should both work on ways of productively working on resolving it - maybe you can agree that the next few times you decide to take a day off, he will call you himself at a specific time, and then gradually reduce the frequency of calls. Just an idea, of course.
 
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