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Zephyr66 Zephyr66 is offline
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L and I went to Jr. Hi together (1975-76) and reconnected on Facebook in february. We are both diveorced with kids and there was instant chemistry. L told me no one has ever paid attention to her like I have. We became very close and started dating in mid march. We sepent every weekend together. At the end of June, things began to change. L seemed to be pulling away and losing interest. The kicker was the evening of 4th of July when she wanted to go out with just her friends (a mix of guys and gals) to watch fire works. She went on vaction in July and came back to tell me she wished we hadn't become so close, so fast (good advice that I neglected to follow initially) I also have some financial challenges that I have been open with L about and perhaps this has made her hesitant to get close. She knows that I don't spend reclessly and am trying to rectify things (my salary was cut severly this spring)

I have been trying to "stop the chase" and give L the space she needs. She claims she still loves me. Yet, it seems as if I have to initiate everything. When she went on vacation I recieved no post cards or gifts (things that done for her when I went out of town) L has a tendency to tease ans dometimes it becomes sarcastic. I have confronted her on this and she is very dismissive - as in - You're just to sensitive.

Right now I feel L holds the cards. I am becoming resentful as I am trying to go with it (I have told her it is healthy for her to spend time with her firends) yet I don't see her missing or longing to be with me. I feel I am losing my identity and my confidence is at an all time low. We haven't seen or talked to each other in a couple of days as I told L I needed some time and space to get my thoughts together. We are meeting late tonight to talk. I am going to discuss boundaries with L and why I have been mad at myself and her. I have organized my thoughts so the discussion can be as non-threatening as possible.I don't want to fight, but reslove.

I am at the point where I feel that if my "needs" can't be met I am going to have to say goodbye to L. Yet I don't want to lose her and still feel she has the power in this relationship.

How do I get to a place where I feel I am in control of my destiny?
- August 13th, 2009, 09:37 am
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1passionatefem 1passionatefem is offline
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Are you prepared for the end results if you give her an ultimatium? It might be best that each of you take more time out to figure out things.
- August 13th, 2009, 09:49 am
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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Zephyr66 wrote :
I am at the point where I feel that if my "needs" can't be met I am going to have to say goodbye to L.
Those 'needs' may very well be the reason she's losing interest in you. Better take a good look at that.
- August 13th, 2009, 09:52 am
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Wonderwoman402 Wonderwoman402 is offline
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Zephyr66 wrote :
How do I get to a place where I feel I am in control of my destiny?
As far as relationships go, none of us are really in control of our own destiny. You can do everything "right" and love someone with all your heart, but if the other person is not on board or has a change in feelings you can't make them love you back.

It takes two to make a relationship work, but only one to end it. If she is pulling away to the point where she no longer wants to be involved with you, that is her decision to make. If that is the case, I hope she is at least honest enough to tell you and tell you why instead of stringing you along with a little bit of hope, or keeping ignoring you until you give up and go away on your own.

Good luck tonight.
- August 13th, 2009, 09:55 am
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Nanette Nanette is offline
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wrote :
We became very close and started dating in mid march. We sepent every weekend together. At the end of June
Three months seems to be the marker where people decide that they want to continue on or not. Maybe she is not sure, but I have a feeling that she isn't interested in pursuing it further. She should just be direct with you.

I would move on and stop calling her. Start dating others.
- August 13th, 2009, 10:13 am
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Harvey7 Harvey7 is offline
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From my seat on the board of directors, I can see very clearly and the major problem is your JOB! The pay cut is tied into your ego and your self confidence. Your lady friend is not looking for a man to come into her life and to take charge of things besides she just got rid of one of those.

I would hold up on the confrontation with her because your not ready for the answers nor do I think that you have a prepared list of questions? Your lady wants a friend and a lovers but not a Lord and Master!

There are few things that you have control of in life and one of them is yourself and your vocation. If I were in your shoes, I would meet with a Head Hunter and a Psychologist, PHD. Let the Head Hunter find a new job for you at a full salary plus benefits, you now have knowledge and experience to offer a new employer. The Psychologist is to deal with your unfinished business from your marriage and your job. To also define your vision of what you want while you are going thru a mid life crisis. That's what its called and also take a time out from your lady friend without confronting her about anything. You can always invite her to join you in a few sessions of therapy?
Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - NetworkTherapy.com Directory of Therapists

Now is the time to learn to be your own best friend.

Harvey7.
- August 13th, 2009, 12:25 pm
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SavannahGal SavannahGal is offline
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Zephyr66 wrote :
L and I went to Jr. Hi together (1975-76) and reconnected on Facebook in february. We are both diveorced with kids and there was instant chemistry. L told me no one has ever paid attention to her like I have. We became very close and started dating in mid march. We sepent every weekend together. At the end of June, things began to change. L seemed to be pulling away and losing interest. The kicker was the evening of 4th of July when she wanted to go out with just her friends (a mix of guys and gals) to watch fire works. She went on vaction in July and came back to tell me she wished we hadn't become so close, so fast (good advice that I neglected to follow initially) I also have some financial challenges that I have been open with L about and perhaps this has made her hesitant to get close. She knows that I don't spend reclessly and am trying to rectify things (my salary was cut severly this spring)

I have been trying to "stop the chase" and give L the space she needs. She claims she still loves me. Yet, it seems as if I have to initiate everything. When she went on vacation I recieved no post cards or gifts (things that done for her when I went out of town) L has a tendency to tease ans dometimes it becomes sarcastic. I have confronted her on this and she is very dismissive - as in - You're just to sensitive.

Right now I feel L holds the cards. I am becoming resentful as I am trying to go with it (I have told her it is healthy for her to spend time with her firends) yet I don't see her missing or longing to be with me. I feel I am losing my identity and my confidence is at an all time low. We haven't seen or talked to each other in a couple of days as I told L I needed some time and space to get my thoughts together. We are meeting late tonight to talk. I am going to discuss boundaries with L and why I have been mad at myself and her. I have organized my thoughts so the discussion can be as non-threatening as possible.I don't want to fight, but reslove.

I am at the point where I feel that if my "needs" can't be met I am going to have to say goodbye to L. Yet I don't want to lose her and still feel she has the power in this relationship.

How do I get to a place where I feel I am in control of my destiny?
A number of things you have said above are warning bells that this relationship is doomed, IMO.

Spending time with her friends without you could mean that she just needs some time without you (completely understandable to keep her independence in the relationship and not lose her identity to it)... BUT, it also could be a bad sign that she doesn't want you around her friends if you are giving off a lot of negativity because of you low self esteem. Maybe she thinks you might drag the mood down (I hope I'm really wrong on that speculation).

After 3 months of becoming close, she should be wanting to spend more time with you, not less. As I read the OP, you were spending every weekend together, not every day. If she is pulling away and seems to be losing interest, you should take that at face value. The rush and excitement of all that attention you were giving her (since nobody has ever paid attention to her like that before) is gone...the novelty of the relationship has worn off.

This relationship sounds so unhealthy for you if you are losing your identity to it. A relationship should build your confidence, not knock it down to an all time low. You haven't said how long you have been divorced, but it sounds to me like you might have jumped into this emotionally to fill a void in your life creating by your divorce. I know we are only getting part of the story, since that's all we ever get in an OP, but this relationship sounds so one-sided. I think it is important for you really consider spending some time alone to become comfortable and confident with yourself so you will be emotionally ready to be involved with someone else in a healthy way.

Resentment is one of the signs on the road to contempt, the ultimate relationship killer.
Last edited by SavannahGal; August 13th, 2009 at 01:40 pm.
- August 13th, 2009, 01:36 pm
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Dafearon Dafearon is online now
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She doesn't hold the cards, you do. You ALWAYS do. You said it yourself, you need to give her more space. However, you are still attaching yourself and keeping a thread on her so she doesn't go too far. She isn't even trying and she's jerking you around because you've tied yourself to her and will not let go. You want to give her that space, but you dont' want her to wander away from your comfort zone. This is NOT giving her space. This is taking up space. Now she has to try and maneuver into space where you will not be threatened and she's not doing that. Because of that, you are getting resentful.

When someone says they want space, it means they are being suffocated. Intentionally or not. This means you back off and let her find herself. It also means giving her permission to realize you do not belong. You can't control how she feels. She needs to find that love for you on her own without you pointing it out to her.
- August 13th, 2009, 02:11 pm
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TheThinker TheThinker is offline
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If someone describes a relationship as: "He/she holds the cards"... that's not healthy, for either one of you.
Give her the space she's looking for.
Maybe even tell her you're "moving on..."

If it was meant to be..it will be.
Sounds cliché, but I've found it's true.
Last edited by TheThinker; August 13th, 2009 at 03:29 pm.
- August 13th, 2009, 03:26 pm
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angelofmerci angelofmerci is offline
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As I see it the only thing you have done wrong is take things too fast from the start. Everyone at one time or another has lost a job which meant loss of money and status that they had worked so hard for. All these people while searching for a new job sufferred lows in confidence especially as the weeks turned into months. From your OP you still have your job although you took a pay cut. Count yourself lucky and work to keep your job unless you want to become one of the unemployed.

As to the present relationship, she has done everything except present you with a silver platter bearing a note telling you the relationship is over. It is time to move on and put her in the past, the permanent past. Good luck
- August 13th, 2009, 04:37 pm
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