Need advice on boyfriend, friends and money


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justjulia is offline justjulia Post #11  August 12,2009, 11:39am
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Harvy, man you are harsh - I agree with you, but geez man it is a bit direct. Hey if not direct, then what's the point? Not everyone is as secure as we are and one thing I've learned is that really truly powerful, secure, confident people strive to make others feel comfortable, confident and a part of things. Gentleness (and sensitivity) can only be expected from the strong.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #12  August 12,2009, 12:10pm
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jayjay wrote :
What struck me is giving cash to an adult friend for their birthday or Christmas. That seems really strange. Maybe he's giving her kickbacks for business leads.
That's what struck me as odd, too (although I don't know about the kickbacks idea). It's not typical for money gifts to be given to business associates or to adult friends. Nor is it typical to give business associates birthday presents... As the OP suggests, perhaps it's more an issue of "trying to keep up with the Joneses"? Maintaining or cultivating a certain reputation/image even though it's beyond his means?

To the OP.... The reason to go would be to support your boyfriend and because you actually like the hostess. I would probably put it in the "Whatever; I guess it won't kill me to go..." sort of category. It does seem a little petulent to "refuse" to go.

With respect to the gift....if you and your boyfriend have very different ideas about finances and how to handle them, that's something that you are going to have to address directly at some point if the relationship is going to become permanent. You are not married now, so unless you have pooled your resources, he is still responsible for his own budgeting (although I think it was fine for you to bring up your concerns regarding this matter with him). For him, this seems to be more an issue of his self-confidence and self-image, which is a whole different matter all together...
 
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Mainah64 is offline Mainah64 Post #13  August 12,2009, 12:25pm
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neardc wrote :
That's what struck me as odd, too (although I don't know about the kickbacks idea). It's not typical for money gifts to be given to business associates or to adult friends. Nor is it typical to give business associates birthday presents... As the OP suggests, perhaps it's more an issue of "trying to keep up with the Joneses"? Maintaining or cultivating a certain reputation/image even though it's beyond his means?

To the OP.... The reason to go would be to support your boyfriend and because you actually like the hostess. I would probably put it in the "Whatever; I guess it won't kill me to go..." sort of category. It does seem a little petulent to "refuse" to go.

With respect to the gift....if you and your boyfriend have very different ideas about finances and how to handle them, that's something that you are going to have to address directly at some point if the relationship is going to become permanent. You are not married now, so unless you have pooled your resources, he is still responsible for his own budgeting (although I think it was fine for you to bring up your concerns regarding this matter with him). For him, this seems to be more an issue of his self-confidence and self-image, which is a whole different matter all together...
Sounds like an important event for your boyfriend so I would go. Also, you wouldn't want to get into a habit of not accompanying him to important events as he would either reciprocate the behavior or become resentful. How much jealousy is really in this scenario? If there is some it would need to be addressed quickly and thoroughly.

The monetary gifts could be that his Y chromosome is missing that shopping gene and he is doing his best in gift giving.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #14  August 12,2009, 1:26pm
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jayjay wrote :
What struck me is giving cash to an adult friend for their birthday or Christmas. That seems really strange. Maybe he's giving her kickbacks for business leads.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. That's just very odd to me.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #15  August 12,2009, 2:49pm

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jayjay wrote :
What struck me is giving cash to an adult friend for their birthday or Christmas. That seems really strange. Maybe he's giving her kickbacks for business leads.
Jay I agree with that because a lot of people give VISA Gift cards with a cash value of X Dollars, the good thing about cash is not traceable.
As I sit at the keyboard I just had a flashback to when I was about 13 or 14 my Father took me for a ride to pick up a boat on a trailer at a boat dealer and we then drove about two or three hours to someone home. we dropped it off in his drive way. My Father rang the doorbell he spoke to some guy they shook hands and we left to find a restaurant on our way home. I ask my Father why we dropped the boat off and he said that he did a big favor for him. Fin. (end of conversation.)

Harvey7.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #16  August 12,2009, 2:50pm
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LadyJae,

At first I was going to agree with Harvey until I saw your post saying that the person whose house warming and her guests were mainly from the entertainment industry. When I read that remark I could understand your position as these people are usually the highly insecure types that need to have their egos stroked constantly. I normally think of these people as being 'plastic' as they lack depth. The only time these people do anything it usually is something that will get them noticed to forward their careers. As to this particular "friend" of your boyfriends I think if you feel truly uncomfortable around her then do not go. I would try to attend other functions with your boyfriend though as it shows you support him. You do not have to attend all of them but choose wisely. Good luck
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #17  August 12,2009, 3:27pm
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LadyJae99 wrote :
Thanks for the advice, but they're not the type of people who would have a conversation about organic gardening, tree planting, or soup. These are young urban professionals, mostly in some part of the entertainment industry. And are you serious about that last suggestion? I don't think acting ditzy is going to endear me to anyone.
mm. the entertainment industry. ok, so they got no class. my brother works in film. anyways, so maybe we're talking about people who do a song and dance for their living. pitch, wheel and deal. wine and dine clients. that brings you to soup. they have to find a way to connect to people, market audiences, people with money. the status car these days is not a benz or a beamer, it's a prius. pet charities are definitely green these days. that takes us to trees and organic gardening. and it's not ditzy as in dumb, it's ditzy as in *my life is busy and exciting so everything's a whirl* - that's a trick they're all relying on too.

but in any case, i think it will go hard on your boyfriend if you can't be with him on this. he may have to reconsider you, as i suspect you are already reconsidering him.
 
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LadyJae99 is offline LadyJae99 Post #18  August 12,2009, 3:46pm
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jayjay wrote :
What struck me is giving cash to an adult friend for their birthday or Christmas. That seems really strange. Maybe he's giving her kickbacks for business leads.
Seriously??? It's not like he's giving her thousands of dollars.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #19  August 12,2009, 4:49pm
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LadyJae99 wrote :
To Harvey7:

I have no problem with his social networking or social climbing. I just don't think an evening spent being his arm candy is my idea of a good time. I personally have no need to make connections with these people. I have my own social and business network. And I'm secure enough to insist that he goes to the party without me. And I don't intend to be sitting at home alone when he goes out, as my boyfriend is not the only person in my life. And even if I did, so what? Is there something wrong with spending time alone?

I think it's telling that you would refer to anyone at a party as "just an invited guest". At my recent birthday party, everyone was "just an invited guest", many of whom were meeting each other for the first time, and everyone enjoyed themselves without any agendas. Personally, I like to share the important moments in my life with people I love and who want to support me, not people looking to advance their careers at any cost.

It's interesting that you would say "The value of the gift is a sign of the high esteem that he holds for her". So should I assume that he doesn't hold me in as high esteem? And by the way, what do you believe my "true feelings" are about this friend of his?
Did you decide not to go because of them or him? It sounds like your business gatherings are realistic and concrete while his are impersonal and frivolous. You may be embarassed or a bit jealous of his gift giving, but I won't say I wouldn't be either, especially if they are gifts of money (which I also find odd) or something nicer than what he gets for you. Are they token gifts or is there more to it? Is this an exchange or one-sided?

Have you considered that you and your bf are intellectually mismatched or unequally motivated? All in all I feel as a gf if this is important to him, you should attend to support him. This is about him, not you. If you can't do that then maybe you ought to evaluate your position in this relationship.
 
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Jato87 is offline Jato87 Post #20  August 12,2009, 5:03pm
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Lady Jae, I think most good advice has been given, but I’ll offer a recap to couch it a little differently. I think it's your obligation to go as part of a couple. Some had fun bashing the shallow entertainment industry, which is probably valid, but that's hardly relevent. Doctors and lawyers, clowns and congressmen, all have their very dull social events, to which everyone needs to bring a charming partner.

If he’s a little lavish with gifts for his friend in comparison with his gifts for you, that’s an issue you need to discuss separately. I don’t blame you for being concerned, but it’s a touchy issue, and separate from the reasons you should attend this event.

If your goal is an LTR or marriage, you’re going to hope that your friends like him a lot, and you’ll expect him to be there as your partner when they plan events that he won’t find much fun (think weddings.) (Even if he says to go by yourself.) Similarly, at events that are important to his business, he’ll hope that his boss and clients find his partner (you) charming and full of social skills. They’ll remember you.

Lil_lamb suggested that socializing is an art and a skill. She’s right. You can either rise to that challenge and become a star, or you can drop out because it’s just not you. But don’t be surprised that someone else steps in to fill the gap when he goes alone. There will be a ton of women there, all thinking that this poor guy needs to find someone.

So, I’d say your choice of action lies in how much of a partner you consider yourself to be. You know you wouldn’t let him out of going with you to one of your best friends’ wedding.
Last edited by Jato87; August 12,2009 at 5:24pm.
 
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