What to do when your guy/girl is always sick?


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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #31  August 11,2009, 10:17pm
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gothustartus wrote :
Some people bailed, some stuck around.
I like your attitude, Goth.
and ultimately that's what's going to happen - people will either get scared and leave or they will ask questions, get familiar with the condition and then decide how to proceed.

Anyone suffering from a serious medical condition should reveal it as soon as necessary. I do not believe that most conditions need to be revealed in a profile or the first few meetings. But once the relationship is forming and becoming serious enough for both people to develop a certain level of attachment, the condition should be revealed.

I will also add that people should try to avoid the "brutal honesty" approach. I'm sure I've talked about it before in other threads, but it's worth repeating. Unless your illness is very common, the best thing to do is to allocate the right time and place for a proper discussion to take place. Reveal the information calmly, in a safe and comfortable environment (not at a pub over a beer), explain your specific symptoms and how they are managed. Also explain what your partner may have to face in certain circumstances, if you decided to pursue a relationship together.

Yes, be prepared that some people will bail as a result. But if you take your time and make the effort to present the information calmly and accurately - do not say something like "hey, I have terminal cancer but it's no big deal" - if the other person cares about you as a person and as partner, chances are they will stick around, after they've had a chance to process the information and do a little of their own research about the condition.

Remember that you've had some time (maybe even years) to come to terms with the effects of your illness. But you were probably in shock when your first learnt about the condition, it probably felt very lonely and scary at first, especially before you've had a chance to find out more about the illness and all the available treatments for it, which allow you to lead a mostly normal life, maybe with a few minor adjustments. That's how your partner is going to feel too. So, offer them the time to process but also the benefits of your knowledge, which should help with the processing.

Most illnesses can be managed quite successfully most of the time. But both people need to be prepared when the occasional not-so-good times come about. It part of life. And in cases of most illnesses, there is some level of predictability, which should help both parters be prepared and be able to cope, without ruining their existing relationship or, in other cases, without preventing a potential great relationship from forming.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #32  August 11,2009, 10:52pm
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funnyengineergal wrote :
That said, if I really, really, really love a guy (and a relationship after one year, to me, wouldn't happen unless I really, really, really loved the guy) then I wouldn't feel right leaving him because of an illness. Basically this is something that this person has chosen (yeah, I know, I'm weird) to express in their bodies so they could learn an important life lesson. So in my skewed little planet, this would be a chance for me to stand strongly by them and support them as they heal. I can't think of anything more rewarding that watching someone you love heal themselves.
beentherehavetee wrote :
Yes. We're been dating about a year or so.

I am not saying that these conditions are dealbreakers, (although I suspect it will affect our level of intimacy- as it probably already is) but in seeking a life partner, do you sign up for an obvious lifetime of illness and surgery and medical bills too? I know we don't know the future. I, too, may fall ill, but if I were to meet someone and pursuing a serious relationship, some of this stuff I'd let the person know.

Why withhold this information?

When I met the man who would become my second husband, and things got serious for us (a matter of months) he told me he had cardio problems. I jumped in with both feet, eyes wide open, and snatched him right up like I was grabbing onto a lifeline!

I count it a blessing every single day that I was able to love him for 15 years. He died of cancer, so you never know.

I don't know about the life lessons he learned. But I'm learning quite a few about how to start over...
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #33  August 11,2009, 11:55pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
He died of cancer, so you never know.
This is creepy, but the same thing happened to my grandfather - he had 3 very serious heart attacks and a bypass. We were all convinced that he would eventually pass away from his cardiac condition. He died of cancer. I'll spare you the details, but about the only organ that was functioning almost normally was his heart...
 
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DreamingOfJustice is offline DreamingOfJustice Post #34  August 12,2009, 2:35pm
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The only question that comes to mind- and please forgive me if I am raising an already raised subject- is if the chronic illness is in fact communicable. Namely, can you possibly also contract it?

I have not read through all of the posts..

If you could be physically impacted by a disease, such as HIV, herpes, or other condition, you would have a right to know about the condition before you became physically involved with your partner.

Perhaps you can take a little time to seriously reflect on your fears surrounding this situation. Not all medical conditions get worse with time- some actually resolve, or stabilise. Asthma is a good example and so is epilepsy. Diabetes can be brought under control with diet and exercise and adherence to insulin therapy. Are you really concerned about something else- such as being afraid of hospitals? Many people are petrified of doctors and hospitals and they transfer their fears onto their partners who are ill and otherwise dealing with their situation just fine.

Is your partner really taxing you, leaning on you, and not taking care of his/her self? If that is the case, then you might very understandably be resentful if you are constantly left 'picking up the pieces' for them.

Finally...it is difficult to be a caregiver. Very much more difficult than many people realise, until they have to perform duties. If facing obstacles like chronic conditions really is more than you can bear- do your partner a favour, be honest with yourself, and back out as honourably and gracefully as you can.












beentherehavetee wrote :
Yes. Everyone has health issues, I know, but the concern is that these issues were never made known to me until...now that the situation is critical. So how am I the selfish one? I believe the "in sickness and in health till death" part comes with marriage. We are both single adults. If I am to make a life with this person, don't you think serious health issues need to be made known prior?

But thanks for your input.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #35  August 12,2009, 3:25pm
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Your guy should have come clean when you two were discussing becoming exclusive. Up to that point in time his health condition was not a factor. Since he did not come clean I would say good bye and move on.
 
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007girl is offline 007girl Post #36  August 12,2009, 4:08pm
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hello!

It is unfourtuneate we live in a world of people who lack compassion for other human beings. That said......so just a bit of compassion......and if you really LOVE this person......then it should be "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE". IF YOU ARE IN A SERIOUS/COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP......HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE NOTICED SOMETHING......ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE ALWAYS SICK LIKE YOU SAID.

IF YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE UP YOUR MIND TO NOT STAY WITH THIS PERSON BECAUSE THEY ARE VERY ILL.....THEN AT LEAST HAVE SOME COMPASSION AND BE HONEST WITH THIS PERSON TO WHY YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO.

I HAVE BEEN EXTREMELY BLESSED OVER MY 48 YEARS OF LIFE ON THIS EARTH.....AND JUST THE PAST FOUR MONTHS I HAVE BECOME ILL. DUE TO NO MEDICAL INSURANCE.....(LIKE MOST AMERICANS)I CAN'T AFFORD TO GO SEE A DOCTOR. I AM DOING THE VERY BEST I CAN TO STAY HEALTHY......AND I PRAY THAT MY CURRENT HEALTH SITUATION ISN'T SERIOUS. IF IT IS.....I HOPE TO HAVE SOMEONE SPECIAL WHO WILL BE THERE FOR ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.....AS I WOULD IF THEY WERE ILL....DOESN'T MATTER IF IT IS BEFORE WE GOT INVOLVED......OR AFTER.......

LOVE SHOULD BE UNCONDITIONAL!!,
HOPELESS ROMANTIC
 
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