Can't go out without fighting


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twilite25 is offline twilite25 Post #1  August 9,2009, 9:32pm
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Lately when my boyfriend and I go out to a party or social event we get into a huge fight at the end of the night. This past weekend we were out with a bunch of friends for a birthday party. Two of our friends started talking about trading cell phones. I guess I spoke out of turn or interrupted by making a comment on how one of the phone's was really nice and sleek. And one of the guys screamed "SHUT UP!" I was really taken a back and everyone just stopped. He started apologizing profusely and said he didn't mean to yell. I just said ok and didn't say anything until the waitress came to take our order. I asked for water which she forgot so I turned to my boyfriend who was standing behind me and asked it he could please get me some. He ignored me twice and continued his conversation. Even after the guy he was talking to pointed out to him that I was asking for water. I got really upset and started to leave and everyone thought I was mad that the one guy had yelled at me. But really I was upset that my boyfriend didn't stand up for me and then ignored me. We ended up getting into a huge fight about and he thought I was overreacting. I don't feel that I was and I am really upset about it. I need an outsiders advice.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 10,2009, 10:05am
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when a guy starts treating you like this it isnt going to get better. i would not talk to him, and he sounds like he needs space if he is going to react to you like that and i would give it to him in abundance.

dont put yourself in a position where you are going to be treated like this.

dont call him text him or whatever. if he calls i would not even answer at this point or tell him why. if he never calls then you have your answer on how he feels.

my heart goes out to you.

eta: i just want to be clear that i dont think this shouldn be done in an angry way. if he apologizes accept the apology but i wouldt gush over ti. and see him a lot less from now on
Last edited by Nanette; August 10,2009 at 10:20am.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #3  August 10,2009, 10:36am
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Well given the background of what you said, you seem to have a habit of interrupting people while they're in the middle of conversations. And yes, leaving during the middle of dinner for this seems a bit of an overreaction and immature. You should have waited until you got home (or where ever you can be alone with your boyfriend) and communicated your displeasure about this with him in private.
Your getting up and starting to leave a group of friends at dinner is a passive-aggressive way of throwing a fit. That's embarrassing to him and probably made the others feel uncomfortable. And probably the catalyst of your fight later on. You would have probably got a lot more accomplished by gently letting your BF know how bad he was behaving without badly behaving yourself. Get it?
As for the title of your post "Can't go out without fighting"
Read that again. What does that tell you? Maybe you and he aren't really meant to be together. Maybe you're both too young to be in a serious relationship. Remember it takes two to fight.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  August 10,2009, 11:00am

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twilite25 wrote :
Lately when my boyfriend and I go out to a party or social event we get into a huge fight at the end of the night. This past weekend we were out with a bunch of friends for a birthday party. Two of our friends started talking about trading cell phones. I guess I spoke out of turn or interrupted by making a comment on how one of the phone's was really nice and sleek. And one of the guys screamed "SHUT UP!" I was really taken a back and everyone just stopped. He started apologizing profusely and said he didn't mean to yell. I just said ok and didn't say anything until the waitress came to take our order. I asked for water which she forgot so I turned to my boyfriend who was standing behind me and asked it he could please get me some. He ignored me twice and continued his conversation. Even after the guy he was talking to pointed out to him that I was asking for water. I got really upset and started to leave and everyone thought I was mad that the one guy had yelled at me. But really I was upset that my boyfriend didn't stand up for me and then ignored me. We ended up getting into a huge fight about and he thought I was overreacting. I don't feel that I was and I am really upset about it. I need an outsiders advice.
You omitted to tell us about the other fights to put it all in prospective for us to understand what's going on.

Your boyfriend owes you nothing, he was not out of line you were!
You interrupted a conversation without thinking about the result of your being a but-inski! I mean, if your big enough to stick your two cents into a conversation that did not concern you, then your big enough to stand up for yourself. When he said to shut up, why didn't you respond to him directly? With, are you talking to me? Why are you trying to cheat him on the cell phone?

Your the one that owes everyone an apology for trying to start a fight between friends and that is why a lot of women get dumped for being a "but-inski". Shame on you! It's on you, Big Mouth.

Harvey7.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #5  August 10,2009, 11:23am

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Nanette wrote :
when a guy starts treating you like this it isnt going to get better. i would not talk to him, and he sounds like he needs space if he is going to react to you like that and i would give it to him in abundance.

dont put yourself in a position where you are going to be treated like this.

dont call him text him or whatever. if he calls i would not even answer at this point or tell him why. if he never calls then you have your answer on how he feels.

my heart goes out to you.

eta: i just want to be clear that i dont think this shouldn be done in an angry way. if he apologizes accept the apology but i wouldt gush over ti. and see him a lot less from now on

Hi Nanette,
What was your perception of why her B/F owes her an apology?

It was a group of friends and she tried to make a fight between two of them by interrupting them in a private conversation: See Below!
"Two of our friends started talking about trading cell phones. I guess I spoke out of turn or interrupted by making a comment on how one of the phone's was really nice and sleek. And one of the guys screamed "SHUT UP!"

The B/F is not involved it was between her and the guy that told her to shut up. I believe boccabum's post summed it up very nicely!

When your all friends you have to be responsible for yourself and don't expect your B/F to end his friendship over her Big Mouth.! She owes all of them an apology.
Right?

Harvey7.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #6  August 10,2009, 12:00pm
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If you're fighting every time you go out, then you need to reconsider the relationship.

I wonder, though, why it was your boyfriend's job to get you the water. Why couldn't you take care of that for yourself? Waitresses are human; they forget things sometimes, and all you have to do is remind them when they come back to check on the table. Not a difficult thing to do. By insisting that your bf "fix it" for you, you make it seem like you need his attention away from his friends and exclusively on you. Being more assertive (NOT rude, but responsible) with the waitstaff, would be the more adult thing to do.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  August 10,2009, 12:26pm
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Regardless of what else is going on, one thing is crystal clear from this post - the bf and his friends do not respect the OP in the slightest.

It really does not matter whether she butted into the conversation or not, the reaction was rude and out of line. It also tells me that the person reacting felt that it's something he can do and get away with.

The bf - same thing. It does not matter whether she was cutting into a conversation or not, the point was that he was ignoring her completely which is rude and disrespectful. When he took it to the point where the other person got uncomfortable with the bf's behavior and tried to get his attention onto the problem....it's rude gone too far.

So the questions to ask yourself OP are why does your bf lack respect for you? Is it time to sit him down and talk about things or is your relationship gone too far south and perhaps it's high time to move on. One thing that I would not advise you to do is to tolerate being treated that way. Even if you are in the wrong, even if you are cutting into a conversation, there is a polite way to handle that and a disrespectful way to handle and what I'm reading here is all pure disrespect. You can't have that in a healthy relationship and you should never be treated this way by anyone.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #8  August 10,2009, 12:36pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Regardless of what else is going on, one thing is crystal clear from this post - the bf and his friends do not respect the OP in the slightest.

It really does not matter whether she butted into the conversation or not, the reaction was rude and out of line. It also tells me that the person reacting felt that it's something he can do and get away with.

The bf - same thing. It does not matter whether she was cutting into a conversation or not, the point was that he was ignoring her completely which is rude and disrespectful. When he took it to the point where the other person got uncomfortable with the bf's behavior and tried to get his attention onto the problem....it's rude gone too far.

So the questions to ask yourself OP are why does your bf lack respect for you? Is it time to sit him down and talk about things or is your relationship gone too far south and perhaps it's high time to move on. One thing that I would not advise you to do is to tolerate being treated that way. Even if you are in the wrong, even if you are cutting into a conversation, there is a polite way to handle that and a disrespectful way to handle and what I'm reading here is all pure disrespect. You can't have that in a healthy relationship and you should never be treated this way by anyone.
See DF,
What I see is that, while the BF might have been wrong (and there's no dispute at that), her reaction to it was just as wrong. And yes, interrupting someone in middle of a conversation for something she can do herself is rude. She sounds young. And I can extrapolate that her wanting water and asking her BF to get it for her rather than doing it herself was a test. Maybe by the time she had wanted water, she was already angry and frustrated at getting yelled at by the other guy? In any event, her reaction to this wasn't one that displayed her maturity either. Since we don't have the BF's attention but do have her's I'll call her on this one.
If two people continuiously fight and argue every time they go out, something's wrong. And I'll bet you $100 it's not only the BF's fault. I think that by dismissing her own behavior and concentrating on what the BF did, it says that anything she does in response to his misbehavior is OK-justified or not.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  August 10,2009, 3:10pm
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Hmm...... It does sound like the tip of the ice berg with incompatibility here. It's not really about his rude friends your his ignoring your water. It sounds rather rude and rowdy with drinking , most people don't scream shut up at each other, unless that's the case... Also, people don't demand to be waited on in the middle of a conversation... You seem to both be testing (and failing) each other, you for attention, and he by ignoring you. I'm sorry to say but if you are just dating and all this is going on,making scenes, in public, no less, it's the begining of the end (hopefully) or you will have one of those relationshiops from hell forever.
twilite25 wrote :
Lately when my boyfriend and I go out to a party or social event we get into a huge fight at the end of the night. This past weekend we were out with a bunch of friends for a birthday party. Two of our friends started talking about trading cell phones. I guess I spoke out of turn or interrupted by making a comment on how one of the phone's was really nice and sleek. And one of the guys screamed "SHUT UP!" I was really taken a back and everyone just stopped. He started apologizing profusely and said he didn't mean to yell. I just said ok and didn't say anything until the waitress came to take our order. I asked for water which she forgot so I turned to my boyfriend who was standing behind me and asked it he could please get me some. He ignored me twice and continued his conversation. Even after the guy he was talking to pointed out to him that I was asking for water. I got really upset and started to leave and everyone thought I was mad that the one guy had yelled at me. But really I was upset that my boyfriend didn't stand up for me and then ignored me. We ended up getting into a huge fight about and he thought I was overreacting. I don't feel that I was and I am really upset about it. I need an outsiders advice.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #10  August 10,2009, 3:35pm
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twilite25 wrote :
Lately when my boyfriend and I go out to a party or social event we get into a huge fight at the end of the night. This past weekend we were out with a bunch of friends for a birthday party. Two of our friends started talking about trading cell phones. I guess I spoke out of turn or interrupted by making a comment on how one of the phone's was really nice and sleek. And one of the guys screamed "SHUT UP!"
From this loud reaction I would guess that the swap was between the guy who yelled and someone else. The one who wanted to swap was probably coming up with pros, the other cons. This was between them and you really shouldn't have offered an opinion, or taken a side, unless you were asked.
I was really taken a back and everyone just stopped. He started apologizing profusely and said he didn't mean to yell. I just said ok and didn't say anything until the waitress came to take our order. He had the graciousness to apologize for yelling and put your feelings above his. At this point you could have apologized for butting in esp since he was obviously upset.
I asked for water which she forgot so I turned to my boyfriend who was standing behind me and asked it he could please get me some. He ignored me twice and continued his conversation. Even after the guy he was talking to pointed out to him that I was asking for water.
For your bf to not acknowledge your request was quite rude. He could have asked you to wait a second, or said sure, as soon as she gets back.
I got really upset and started to leave and everyone thought I was mad that the one guy had yelled at me.
If you got up to leave without making up some lame excuse like you had a terrible headache and without addressing your friends, shame on you.
But really I was upset that my boyfriend didn't stand up for me and then ignored me.
Stand up for you when you got yelled at? Why? You said he immediately apologized, what more could your bf do? If he blew you off he could have said something but you are a person as well and have the right to respectfully voice your displeasure with any situation.
We ended up getting into a huge fight about and he thought I was overreacting. I don't feel that I was and I am really upset about it. I need an outsiders advice.
It sounds like you fight because that's the only way you get attention from your bf. You sound like a very sensitive and emotional person who may be looking for Prince Charming to be there and rescue you from the Big Bad World. Your bf sounds like he would prefer if you were more independent and didn't lean on him so much.

I was hoping to sound more helpful but I guess I would have to say the next time you go out with your friends, sit back and take a look at the dynamic - see how they interact, what upsets them and how they handle it, how they get what they need. I'm guessing you're either in your 20's or inexperienced with dating - neither of which is a detriment to future success. Just try and be more political and respectful, and let some things roll off your back so you can enjoy your evening more.
 
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